Bjork Jokes Are All I Need

If love is all you need, then why do I shove my son out of the way whenever he crowds me on the couch, for an extended period of time again? It’s a playful shove, prefaced with, “You’re being annoying.” But still.

I only like longing, meditative, ballad driven Frank. Otherwise, he’s just mailing it in with ho-hum song filler garbage like Leroy Brown. The lamest, most boring, Broadway tune imaginable, bound.

INT. HOME

Wife

I can always take Erica to see Bjork in London for my birthday.

Do It All Dad

I’ll work on my Xenophobe issues, taking our 3 kids on the subway to any museum in Manhattan while you’re gone.

INT. BOUNCE-CT

Random Grandma

I fly to Seattle for my grandchildren’s birthdays.

Do It All Dad

My dad doesn’t do the cold anymore. He doesn’t like to take off his shoes whenever he visits for birthdays either.

INT. HOME

Wife enters.

Wife

Is that music from your phone? Turn it off. The sound quality is awful.

Do It All Dad

I’ll take Steven Tyler’s crooning on digital, over your in person nagging any day of the week.

INT. HOME

Wife I’m going to exchange my English passport for an Irish one. Ireland being in the EU, allows our kids to attend any college in Ireland for free. You married well.

Do It All Dad

My parents have inheritance money for that in America babe.

INT. HOME

Wife

Bjork in London. And all you can do is bitch about how we’re not seeing her in Iceland?

Do It All Dad

You know how much I hate English accents for starters. 2nd, Sharia law hasn’t been declared in Iceland yet. 3rd, Northern Lights bitch.

INT. HOME

Wife

Floor seats for Bjork in London, I’m still waiting for thanks, sounds awesome.

Do It All Dad

Bjork will pierce my ears with insufferable despair no matter where we sit. But her angelic complexion up front will make up for it.

INT. HOME

Wife

In England to see Bjork, do you want to stay in the gay part, the posh part or more rural English countryside part?

Do It All Dad

The part where I can’t get arrested for hate speech for calling all 3 options gay.

INT. HOME

Wife

I’m still waiting for the part where you say, wow, thanks for getting us tickets to see Bjork in London for my birthday.

Do It All Dad

If I got us tickets to see Def Leppard for my birthday in Vegas, you wouldn’t be clapping like a seal babe.

Turning Pineapple into Pineapple Salsa is completely unnecessary. Now I’m permanently limp wristed.

Billy Crystal’s eulogy for Ali was very funny and beautiful. Totally worth the watch on YouTube. Ali called Crystal Little Brother. I love that. Still in awe and incredibly jealous about how poetic Crystal spoke about the greatest and time which defined him.

Watching One Crazy Summer with my kids for the 1st time in decades. I say. Cookie is hotter than Demi Moore. 8 year old daughter replies. Finally, you admit it. Do It All Dad laughs long time.

Scene: Kids Birthday Party

Mom

Arthur is here Shawn.

Do It All Dad

Gentiles aren’t emotive types. Don’t take it personally pal. When I will for you.

Michael Kornbluth

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