Too Sensitive Abe

INT. Yonker’s Raceway

Talking Horse

Your resume is confetti for the next Yankee parade.

Do It All Dad

So you’re the HR Director I had a phone interview with already. I placed a guy at Southern Wine and Spirits. No idea he was black till I met him.
INT. DELI

Deli Guy
10.50.

Do It All Dad

You 3 Kids are cheap dates. You’re way better than the Southern Belle who dined on my homemade Linguini in a white clam sauce and pepperoncinis. Only to ask for leftovers to take home, stupid hick.

INT. DELI

Deli Guy

10.50.

Do It All Dad

You kids are cheap dates. You’re way better than the Southern Belle who dined on my homemade Linguini in a white clam sauce and pepperoncinis, only to ask for leftovers to take home. She lost all sex appeal for me on the spot.

INT. Bedroom

Do It All Dad

Nirvana is extinction of 3 fires, greed, hate & delusion.

Daughter

F Vishnu Dada. Rocky only beat Apollo because he was hungrier. He wanted more visciously.

Do It All Dad

Bernie Maddoff’s greed gave our people a bad name.

INT. Bedroom

Do It All Dad

Nirvana is extinction of 3 fires, greed, hate & delusion.

Daughter

I know you’re scared of mommy boring us to death and of a Nanny who will molest my gorgeous 2 brothers behind my back with you on the road getting your killer set act together already.

INT. Bedroom

Do It All Dad

Nirvana is extinction of 3 fires, greed, hate & delusion.

Daughter

But if you’re not fired up to shine and be the best of the rest when you’re an unfamous nobody. You’ll never know whether you were delusional in real life.

INT. Bedroom

Do It All Dad

Nirvana is extinction of 3 fires, greed, hate & delusion.

Daughter

If you don’t hate being a nobody, you wouldn’t be fired up over earning your Comedy Gold Porsche Mobile Dada. You’d know if you we’re a hack by now Dada.

INT. Bedroom

Do It All Dad

Nirvana is extinction of 3 fires, greed, hate and delusion.

Daughter

Obviously, Vishnu never bombed every mic 1 year in a row. But hating people for making you feel like a delusional hack strengthend your desire to kill Dada.

INT. POST OFFICE

Do It All Dad

Who takes up vaping in their thirties? My douchebag brother in law who took 7 years to never graduate college does. He’s like Van Wilder minus the rich Dad. Take up blunt rolling while you’re at it.

EXT. Home

Do It All Dad

You don’t hear me crying baby. And I’ve been on bum wipe detail for 8 years.

Bigger Brother

Because Matilda is 8 and you’ve been wiping our baby bums in rapid succession ever since. I totally get it Dada.

INT. Bedroom
Do It All Dad

Nirvana is extinction of 3 fires, greed, hate & delusion.

Daughter

Find a way to take Barnstorming Barbershop USA on the road Dada. What if you did a 2 person act with a Shetland Pony who identified with Akward Jews.

INT. LIBRARY

Library Lady

A baseball book. Do you like baseball daddy?

Do It All Dad

My daughter smacks Wiffle Balls against our House like Artie Lange in Little League when the smell of fresh cut crass and going yard was all you need.

INT. POST OFFICE

Do It All Dad

Who takes up vaping in their thirties? My douche bag brother in law who took 7 years to never graduate college does. He’s like Van Wilder minus the rich Dad. Why not dry hump your penis off for old time sake.

INT. LIBRARY

Library Lady

A baseball book. Do you like baseball daddy?

Do It All Dad

No, I just wrote an all star chapter addition to my rookie debut book, titled, Homers, Dunks and TKO’s because I’m a Cricket Zenophobe lady.

INT. LIBRARY

Library Lady

A baseball book. Do you like baseball daddy?

Do It All Dad Do I have ISIS Life tattooed on my fucking forehead?

INT. Home

Wife

Get a job or move out. I’ve sacrificed so much to support your alleged comedy career.

Do It All Dad

You act like a wannabe comedian in his late twenties wanted kids ever. Also, the kids need me around more than you fake feminist.

INT. DELI

2 Year Old Son

Penis, Penis.

Do It All Dad

Your push pop does operate like a penis with the woman’s prior consent, with a lawyer present to create a sworn affidavit documenting your super soaker agreement, that’s correct.

INT. LIBRARY

Library Lady

A baseball book. Do you like baseball daddy?

Do It All Dad

No, I just wrote an Eastbound and Down script Cooperstown Or Bust. Only to show my father I’m not a flaming fruitcake.

INT. Bedroom

Do It All Dad

Nirvana is extinction of 3 fires, greed, hate & delusion.

Daughter

You are a total laugh blowing slut Dada. Being so wild and free isn’t always such a good thing. Giving up on the delusion of Mama loosing all faith in you would help.

INT. Home (V.0)

Do It All Dad

If, “All good things are wild & free.” Then, why are my parents embarrassed about me being a stay at home dad? Whose written 2 books, done 124 podcasts. John Lennon wishes he was this productive during his stay at home dad years.

INT. Daughters Bedroom

Do It All Dad

According to this Religion Explained in 30 Seconds book. Hindus beleive our fate is determined by karma.

Daughter

What’s Karma?

Do It All Dad

Making the Comedy God Killu laugh long time because he gave me you kid.

INT. Fancy Supermarket

American Asian Fish Manager

Is that it?

Do It All Dad

Let me guess. You’re pissed at Andrew Yang for not boasting about knowing any working class Fish Mongers.

INT. Bar-Knob Creek-KY

Austin Gollaher

Honest Abe was also Too Sensitive Abe because he made me swear to never tell anyone I saved him from drowning when we’re kids coon hunting.

Do It All Dad

Because Abe hated being a worst swimmer than Frederick Douglass?

INT. Home

Daughter

Daddy, how has your life changed since you became a father?

Do It All Dad

I still give a shit about what LinkedIn thinks of me. Mimi and Papà gushed about Uncle John at his wedding despite my 3 kids to his zero. So not much actually.

Michael Kornbluth

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