Poop Shamed Experienced

Once my daughter steps on her pink Ukulele guitar. I say. You don’t step on guitars Matilda. My daughter replies. But Jimi played with his teeth. Didn’t he dry hump his guitar in bed at night also Dada? I can deal without that experience.

Comparing the U.S Border Patrol to Nazi’s is stupid. Most of them are 5 degrees of séparation from Menudo.

Blog titles for a new chapter in my Better Than Boobie book. Tortilla Chips Stuck In My Daughter’s Throat Not Manly Enough, I Ain’t No Fag Scholanti? Goat Cheese Is Tangier Than Tang Ciabatta Sandwich Supremacist.

INT. HOME

Do It All Dad

A massage therapist from Malibu who accused Kevin Spacey of trying to get a happy ending is dead.

Wife

What was the cause of death?

Do It All Dad

The Masseuse insisting Kevin Spacey stick to grabbing men in tights.

Blackmail, threatening to spill the solicitation audio to Wiki Leaks.

Ratting on a made gay actor in the Malibu Mafia.

How has Trump encouraged racism Jimmy Carter? Sign off on Prison Reform, hire Ben Carson to run Hud, take Dennis Rodman’s calls. Give the Presidential Medal of Freedom to Mariano Rivera with a whiff of coco butter in the air.

Best Jimi albums in order.

Jimi Hendrix Experience

Electric Lady Land

Band of Gypsies

Jimi Hendrix Blues

My 27 old month son only requests Jimi on Vinyl. Jimi Dada. Today, Jimi jerking off his guitar shaft would be seen as gay projection.

INT. HOME

Over The Hill Hipster Hack

Jimi was useless in a fight.

Do It All Dad

On a head full of acid, you’d be less useful than Jimi’s fluffer. For his turn of spin the bottle of Southern Comfort with Janis during her puberty phase.

My father instructed our DJ to stop playing Jimi’s version of the Star Spangled Banner at our wedding in a sculpture garden outside of Woodstock. Fake news hippie, my dad’s lived in Arizona for 8 years and still hasn’t been to the Grand Canyon yet.

INT. HOME

Daughter

Dada’s snippy because he’s on Adderal.

Do It All Dad

No I’m snippy because I’m sick of being on sandwich detail for you kids 3 years in a row without any relief in sight. Mama working on warming up on the couch isn’t helping.

The only plausible assertion in the fake news Kavanaugh sexual assault story. Is that the only way he’d ever stick his penis in Ford’s direction is if someone shoved it into her general direction after a failed frat jerk on the couch prior.

Abortions just fell to their lowest rate since 1973. Sarah Silverman has made it easier for fat hipsters to just stay no. Especially, when they have to pull out early anyway from excessive meat sweats.

Aaron Sorkin declares Trump dumb again. Dude, you haven’t written an entertaining movie since A Few Good Men and without the Jack cameo, the movie ends up flatter than Ashton Kutcher after Demi got her botox on her drooping neck.

Kayne’s new album is Jesus Is King. Technically speaking, if Jesus is the real son of God, doesn’t that make him a Prince? Does God bequeath the throne to Jesus in the New Testament? Is Kayne making Bible free style alterations during his sermons?

According to the NY Times, poop shaming woman at work is a thing now. Hey Carol, light a match, use a Starbucks across the street from Duane Reade. Just don’t stink up the bathroom like you’ve been in and out of love with your husband for 9 years.

Michael Kornbluth

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