Unplanned Parenthood

I don’t like hearing our plan is to have 2 kids and we’re done because parenthood was never on your checklist before.

INT. HOME
Do It All Dad
Bourdain said Medellin in Columbia has gotten its act together after being the murder capital of the world.
Daughter
Can I vacation there with Shannon now? Her mom is from Medellin.
Do It All Dad
Bourdain also worked for CNN.

INT. Hipster Motel BAR-Vermont
Do It All Dad
Do you think Bourdain killed himself?
Mixologist No comment.
Do It All Dad
It’s like believing David Chang would sell off Momofuku to curse less and study Improv under Bobby Lee.
Easiest Halloween outfit ever. Tape a piece of smooshed ham over my nose, add grey highlights and buy a hoodie at the Salvation Army. Who are you for Halloween? Artie Lang on the prowl for Fun Dip. Beer League will always be a comedic masterpiece.

INT. Grocery Store
Do It All Dad
2 for 5.
Worker
Those raspberries aren’t organic.
Do It All Dad
I’ve developed a high tolerance. I’m a Pesticides Sales Rep for Crop Dusters in fly over country.
Worker laughs long time.

Bill Hader and Alex Bornstein have worked their assess off at being hilarious great forever. Their amassed comedic acting and writing muscle is incredible. Mazel Tov to 2 comedy legend pros already. So much more time left to shine.

Jenny McCarthy in her prime was way hotter and funnier and more spunktastic and charismatic than Paltrow or Applegate were ever combined, sorry. So, her face is wrinkle free. I’m only gooping in Jenny’s general direction in a fantasy face off, sorry.

If Angela Merkel is trending on Twitter today. You know it’s a slow impeach Trump train news cycle today. Let me guess, Merkel posted a blog on Medium titled, “Shouldering Climate Change Without Trump?” or “What About Gas Chamber Tax Reparations?”
Great quote by Mark Twain, “Travel is lethal to prejudice.” I’ll still take Michael Savage’s word about what a shit hole San Francisco has become. What does he gain by dumping on the ex-Jewel city of the west before Kamala Harris developed an ego?

EXT. HOME
Wife
You play too rough with the children. That’s why Arthur cried 3 times today.
Do It All Dad
Arthur whimpered out the sound of minor discomfort only once, from me compressing his ribs during a loving bear hug from behind babe.

INT. BAR
Mother
My dad cut off my sister’s speech for making fun of the cops attending.
Do It All Dad
My father interrupted after my joke about Jim Carrey painting my brother’s old Canadian bud from boarding school as an alt-right goon for hire.

INT. BAR
Mother
My brother says kids don’t remember anything before 5. That’s why he never feels guilty for never seeing my son.
Do It All Dad
My mother in law’s excuse for never splurging on gifts for my kids is they’ll outgrow it eventually.

INT. BAR
Mother
My brother’s excuse for not seeing my 2 kids much, is kids don’t remember anything before 5.
Do It All Dad
If your kid has something awful to block out or didn’t have hugging, squeezing and out of the house bonding time.

Scene: Phone call with mom. There’s so much to explore in the Hudson Valley. Growing up, your Dad and I worked. I thought we never went on weekend getaways because Dad always cried, “Who will look after the kids? Sleepaway Camp hasn’t started yet.”

Scene: Phone call with mom. There’s so much to explore in the Hudson Valley. Growing up, your Dad and I were always working. And Broadway plays on the weekend weren’t doable because paying for parking wasn’t worth the cultural enrichment.

How did the name Hudson become so popular? Did Ken Burns ever make the final cut? West Side Highway possesses more personable pop than Hudson. At 5, Hudson tells his dad, “I identify more with whiny yentas on the Upper East Side.”

Michael Kornbluth

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