Good With God

INT. CAR

Wife

Your parents never took you to the zoo?

Do It All Dad

You grew up in the hick hinterlands of Australia with only 2 TV Stations, showing endless repeats of Astro Boy from Japan. So stop acting like I grew up so deprived compared to you.

INT. HOME

Wife

I was thinking we could meet them at the Bronx Zoo at 11. Karen made sandwiches.

Do It All Dad

So you want me to rush out of Temple while asking God to forgive my explosions of rage because Karen made sandwiches? That’s very reformed Jewy of you.

INT. HOME

Wife

All I’ve done is support you.

Do It All Dad

Encouraging me to stop talking about how much my parents and brother hate me for believing in myself because it’s giving you “anxiety”, gave me that distinct impression also.

EXT. Bronx Zoo

Wife’s Friend

I didn’t know you were religious.

Do It All Dad

I’ve been in the delivery room for 3 of my kids.

Wife’s Frien

So?

Do It All Dad

If your kids were more perfect.

EXT. Hudson River

Daughter

My friend Eva thinks I’m crazy for believing in Mermaids.

Do It All Dad

Does she think the Tooth Fairy is fake news at 8 also? Eva didn’t find money under her pillow last time? She didn’t buy the Rock sleeping in for a change?

EXT. Forrest

Talking Horse

You find a nanny yet?

Do It All Dad

You almost gave me a heart attack.

Talking Horse

Still puffing one hitters in the woods? Can you memorize a solid five minutes of sure destroyer material first champ? But blow me a shotgun 1st.

EXT. Bronx Zoo

Tour Guide

A Tiger’s roar can be heard from 5 miles away.

Do It All Dad

The Tiger must be my spirit animal because I’m louder than Busta Rhymes at a midnight showing of Higher Learning.

This morning I tell my daughter, “Yankees won.” She says, “I heard. Your the reason the Big Apple never sleeps.”

Tour Guide Grandma laughs long time.

EXT. BRONX ZOO

Wife’s Friend

I didn’t know you were religious.

Do It All Dad

Every God loving Jew has to wear his faith on his head? I can’t develop my own thoughts on God through study and self-reflection rather than what the NY Times commands us to think?

EXT. Bronx Zoo

Wife

Allison got the kids stuffed animals.

Do It All Dad

It almost makes up for the fact she told me to get a job after I told her the book editor at the NY Post is looking at my book, Controlling My Kids With Comedy, A Love Story. Only the funniest, most heartfelt book on fatherhood ever, no big deal.

EXT. BRONX ZOO

Bianca

I’m not your sister.

Do It All Dad

My daughter is playing make believe, you dumb mook. But take more offense at your best case, divine intervention powered scenario.

EXT. Bronx Zoo

Wife’s Friend

You went to the city with your 3 kids all by yourself?

Do It All Dad

My creative non-fiction name is Do It All Dad. Don’t wear it out.

EXT. Bronx Zoo

Wife’s Friend

You went to the city with your 3 kids all by yourself?

Do It All Dad

God rode shotgun on the West Side Highway with us. What, you didn’t know I used religious metaphors in relation to my children’s protector either?

EXT. Bronx Zoo

Wife’s Friend

You went to the city with your 3 kids all by yourself?

Do It All Dad

I host the Do It All Dad Year Podcast bitch. Taking my kids for a stroll through Manhattan is more than doable, which I can no longer say for you.

EXT. Bronx Zoo
Wife’s Friend

You went to the city with your 3 kids all by yourself?

Do It All Dad

It’s what Do It All Dad’s do when their checking account isn’t depleted again, again and again.

EXT. BRONX ZOO

Wife’s Friend

So you’re not making any money off your podcasts?

Do It All Dad

How do you know I’m not Marc Maron’s body double? SAG union actor checks in the house.

EXT. Bronx Zoo

Wife’s Friend

I didn’t think your brother was the marrying type.

Do It All Dad

He could’ve given her HPV. So he asked her hand in marriage to make it a wash.

Wife’s Friend

Is she nice?

Do It All Dad

She’s too frail to be an unhuggable cunt.

Michael Kornbluth