Fucking New Yorkers

On 13 Reasons Why, are rebel spaceship crashes into Imperial Star Destroyers in The Last Jedi included?

INT. Lincoln Museum-NY

Worker

I never heard about a childhood friend saving Abe from drowning.

Do It All Dad

Abe had Austin Gallagher promise to never tell a soul because he couldn’t let the black man know he was worse swimmer than Frederick Douglass.

China warns, real punishment for the NBA is still coming. Do they have pictures of Popovich from puberty before the scarring acne scars emerged? Creating the jovial, gratitude rich personality NBA fans have grown to love and emote about it ad nauseam today.

Kyrie Irving says, “America has enough oppression for him to protest.” Those black sisters in the Verizon commercial are booking national commercial spots, not time in Rikers for shoplifting the nerdy charm of Urkel in a post modern social justice spewing world.

Bernie Sanders vows to create a new America. Where evil doers like the killers of Seth Rich are brought to justice once and for all. Assuming, the case is prosecuted behind closed doors, leak free for his own political convenience.

INT. Bar-NY

Bartender

Saison means seasonal, not the best name for a girl.

Do It All Dad

I still like Lavender better than Saison. The funny part is both names drive my daughter mad with jealousy. So naming any future baby sister those high end hippie names is the rub moron.

INT. Wine Shop Worker

So you’re making money from your comedy then?

Do It All Dad

I’ve sold some books. Working on a play. Got a nice letter from Trump after sending him Do It All Dad Does jokes. You only dream in impeachment inquiries loser.

Bernie Sanders campaigning in Queens. I’m going to transform America and make it work for everyone who can scale Trump’s wall of indifference to American Me dreamers in us all. The Boston Bomber’s vote counts also. He deserves the dignity of participating in our democratic elected process over Don Junior, born with silver spoons in his mouth only his daddy can cash for him.

INT. Good Day Diner

Daughter

Daddy, whose your favorite person in the world.

Do It All Dad

You 3 kids are my favorites. I couldn’t play favorites with you 3 if I tried. Also, me me and papa did that with Uncle John and we all know how that materialized.

How do I give my mother a no thank you card alert without coming across as intentional prick? So Jonathan, never sent us a thank you letter for our wedding gifts, including an old school Nintendo, with Tecmo Bowl. Jonathan only knows manipulative greed.

Peaceful transfer of power. Corey Booker acts like an alleged impeachment inquiry against a President looking into Hunter’s participation trophy board member seat, paying him 52 grand a month for breathing has more legs than Lieutenant Dan.

INT. Bruised Apple Books-NY

Daughte

Daddy look, you’re book is on display in the humor section.

Do It All Dad

It better be priced higher than any books by Jim Gaffigan, or we’re taking our used record and Grateful Dead magnet purchasing power elsewhere.

INT. Jacob Burns Movie Theater-NY

Do It All Dad

1 ticket for the 5 o clock showing of Roy Cohen.

Worker

Sold Out.

Do It All Dad

Fucking New Yorkers. I might as well be living in Florida. At least there, seniors have more skip to their step.

Michael Kornbluth

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