Slow Poke Tim

Tempting line of attack against my mother in law next time she forces my kids to say grace in our home. Rosa, Jews, do grace in Hebrew. Also, care to tell God and my kids why you hit your daughter in Australia because you couldn’t handle being a stay at home mom in Austraila, fondling Avocado’s the size of Babar’s nut sack.

EXT. EVERYDAY DINER

Do It All Dad

Kids, there’s no whimpering in album trading talks involving American Idiot for Joan Jett & The Blackhearts, alright.

INT. ITALIAN REST.

Random Retired Black Guy

Been on TV?

Do It All Dad

Blind Date, all I got out of it was a free meal and herpes.

Random Retired Black Guy laughs longtime.

Disney owns ABC, whose now in the pedophile protection business. What should we call Disneyland now, the Happiest Comet Pizza Chain on earth?

INT. MONSTER MINI GOLF PARTY ROOM

Random Mom addresses my 2 year old boy.

Random Mom

It looks like you enjoy cake?

Do It All Dad

Too bad your fun hole tastes like medium grade Sashimi, I’m assuming. If I don’t want to devour you whole.

England shitting in their knickers.

Random bloke at the pub says, “Turkish President Erdogan says, he’ll send 3.6 million refugees to Europe if the EU doesn’t provide aid to Turkey mate.”

Mate replies, “Now that’s using leverage. Did Trump slip Erdogan a signed copy of Art of the Deal or what?”

INT. COMEDY CLUB-LONDON

Do It All Dad

Unplanned parenthood, let’s talk about it 3 direct hits later. I’ve aged well I know. Despite my wife bemoaning. I’ve sacrificed. She acts like an aspiring comedian in his late 20’s wanted kids ever.

INT. DELI NY

State Trooper

Trump isn’t perfect.

Do It All Dad

He’s made ball busting great again. What’s there not to love about that?

NY State Trooper laughs long time.

INT. COMEDY CLUB-LONDON

Do It All Dad

Unplanned parenthood happens, when you’re a stoner who forgets to ask whether your companion is on the pill because it makes her nauseous. But God didn’t give me 3 kids to have a panic attack about it. Obviously, he never had the same confidence in you.

INT. COMEDY CLUB-LONDON

Do It All Dad

Ziggy Marley being interviewed by High Times. Your dad had 7 kids. Doesn’t ganja drain your life shooter dry? Fake news man.

A school in England banned tag, encouraging kids to play with, “gentle hands.” Does Prince Charles do hand model demonstrations in class? Claiming with shameless glee, “Never worked a day in my life. It’s good to be Prince of Wales.”

Did God bring a cat in our home to wane me off Internet porn for good? Because nobody wants to whip it out again, drunk, on the opposite side of the couch of Pet Sematary, thinking, “Cats are colorblind anyway, this should murky up it’s vision.”

Any Baby Boomer really. Can’t you play some Dylan? This music is sad. You mean Chet Baker, the king of west coast cool Jazz? Whatever, it’s sad music. I don’t even know how we’re related. Your shoulders collapsing when we hug gave you away pops.

My wife wearing her atheism on a sleeve. Daughter says. Truth or Dare? What do you like better, wine or Flake Chocolate? Wife says, Flake. I reply. And Judd Apatow is the chief happiness officer for Brietbart.

Debra Messing blasting the View for letting Don Junior on. His family assaulted our country. You’re assaulting my ears, with your tone deaf dumb dialogue devoid of any punchy, fabulous flourish your Will and Grace Writer’s poop in their sleep.

After my 3 kid was born, my younger brother uses a photo of them together for his new Facebook profile photo. Over Thanksgiving, I say, “I’m thankful for my baby brother stealing my weed, adderall and my life. Because I look better in comparison.”

INT. CAR

Do It All Dad

Photon was like a poor man’s Laser Tag. I never played Photon with Uncle John because mimi & papa only bought one blaster for me.

Daughter

But you had friends then who didn’t care about you supporting Trump.

INT. ITALIAN REST.

Retired Black Guy

I like that one better.

Do It All Dad

One more, this is Russell Simmons on Gayle King. Read my lisp. I didn’t rape any of those vengeful, over the hill ho’s.

Retired Black Guy laughs longtime.

INT. TOY SHOP-CT

Do It All Dad

This is me on Christmas when my daughter was 4. Jida got you a toy chest with no toys in it. When we get back home to NY, will fill it with your 8000 Hanukkah gifts.

Toy Shop owner laughs long time.

INT. HOME

Daughter

Do people eat Mermaids?

Do It All Dad

No, but Neil Young eats out Daryl Hannah now because he’s in the midst of a post middle age, never banged a Mermaid crisis.

A school in England banned tag because it was deemed too rough. For now, England will stick to chasing Conservative Talk Show hosts from entering the country by banning the likes of Michael Savage. Piers get’s a pass because he failed in America.

Kids in England can’t play tag anymore because Tiny Tim identifies as Slow Poke Tim. Aren’t cries of hate speech considered fake news in your country when Mustafa tags Tiny Tim, yelling, “You’re It Infidel.”

Michael Kornbluth

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