My 2-year-old daughter bites my wife’s nipple hard. Then, my wife engages in a lengthy wind up that feels like 10 Mississippi, before giving our daughter, a gentle yet firm enough slap on the cheek, to ensure she never dares to chomp off her nipple again with such booby milk ravished fury. It worked, my wind-up slap on her younger brother’s bum once because he was ranting and raving about going to day care for Pre-K after he hits his baby brother away for trying to console him, didn’t. Maybe, I’m just making up the part about his baby brother trying to console him, so Child Services doesn’t come knocking on my door before I complete this post. Regardless, the cold wall of isolation erected between my 4- year-old son, during our car ride to Pre-K that day, chilled to me the core, especially after my pitch perfect boy, proclaims, “I’m never talking to you ever again.” My future happiness started to escape me like the leaf in American Beauty. Then, my old school Improv acting skills, honed from UCB and Second City 101 kicked into high gear, after the sensation of repelling the room’s interest in caring about whether I’m funny for one more second, before I started to hit my own bum while driving my son to Pre-K school. I blurt, “Hey, Arthur, next time I get angry, I’ll start hitting my own bum.” At this point, I’m hitting my bum with real menacing fury and I won my son’s love back. Thank God, so it’s not too late for you either.
Here are some other pearls of comedic wisdom to control your kids better with comedy. You’re welcome.
Comedy Control Rules
Do Mad Libs because you invent new expressions like dead weight conversationalists to describe Turtle from Entourage next time, he opens his trimmed mouth about the perpetually cursed Knicks on First Take.
15 words to encapsulate my story about how controlling our kids with comedy can make our kids great again.
Relaxed, loose, tingly, silly, high, bombastic, hilarious, alive, excitement, pride, respect, electric, love, God, family, blood, bonding, laughter.
Darker the Better
Read your kids Shel Silverstein poems plenty and they won’t become such easily triggered, nervous wrecks at the sight of a MAGA hat, I promise you.
Other Comedy Control Rules
Kids like it your when you urge them to stop trying to smash your family jewels into Fuji Dust.
Baby loves it when I play Baby Back Harmonia Rib on his rib, because it makes him laugh out loud, with spastic delight long time.
Use nicknames to cultivate a culture of fun at home without any malicious, self-esteem hindering overtones like Waste of Height.
Own the Kiddy Table and make up silly words when you can. Dr. Seuss peaked early. You don’t have to.
God loveth a cheerful giver, who hits their kids with over the top act out buffoonery. Mimicking their ridiculous behavior works like a charm every time as a reflection of how cray, cray, they’re behaving, works like a charm every time.
Never Underestimate the Laugh Power of Surprise
Falling putzy apple tree, two, no four, no infinity times three. Before dropping your head into your kid’s midsection will yank laughs out long time.
You’re funnier than your kids Kindle, start acting like it.
At home with our kids, prize funny over money.
And always remember, funnier Dad, happier baby. You want a photo off old man? I didn’t think so.