Do It All Dad Does Pleasantville

According to LinkedIn, the Ellen show is looking for a Digital Marketing Manager. What are the must have requirements for this job, besides being pro Bush?

Is it me or does Robert Dinero on the View look like Betsy Ross, falling apart at the seams?

If Google doesn’t manipulate search results, then why is it harder to find positive mentions of Trump on Google, than finding a film blogger on Rotten Tomatoes, who called the Irishman underrated?

Imagine Greta Thunberg debating President Trump on climate change on Pay Per View.

Trump says. Fracking reduces our carbon emissions Greta.

Greta freaks out. So, Neil Young is full of shit now?

Trump says. Neil Young doesn’t take showers to reduce his carbon footprint. That much you share in common babe.

Did you know can you be fined 250 thousand dollars for using dehumanizing language on an Illegal Alien in New York City, like no speak English? Whose translating these insults for Juan exactly? Now, an illegal immigrant in New York City gets a driver license to vote and a hate speech translator to bankrupt Apu, at a Bodega in Flushing.

Do blind men get the beer goggles? Assuming they do, does the seeing eye dog offer a second opinion? We better pass on this one Stevie. You can feel her face, but I can smell her snatch, woof, woof.

This is Ziggy Marley interviewed by High Times Magazine. How did your Dad Bob have 7 kids? Doesn’t ganja drain your life blaster dry? Fake news man.

I have 3 kids now. I’ve aged well I know. Despite my wife bemoaning, I’ve sacrificed. She acts like an aspiring stand-up comedian in his twenties while living in Queens wanted kids ever.

And can we stop calling Queens hot, it’s not. Compared to Manhattan and Brooklyn, Queens is the sloppy 3rd Kardashian sister. You know the extra greasy one, who’s easy to pound at 3 in the morning, like a lamb gyro in Astoria.

My daughter believes in God but she’s always looking for ways to disprove his existence: Daddy, if God created the universe, then who created God? God went back in time in a time machine made by Elon Musk. Real convincing Dad. Thanks for making me an atheist at 4.

My mom asked me if my daughter watched the Woman’s March on Washington, around the time my daughter was learning how to read. Daughter tries to make out one of the protest signs, “Daddy, what’s, pa, pa, Pussy Power? Is that a new show on Amazon Prime?

My wife works at night in the NICU revitalizing blue faced newborn babies for a living. This makes me feel like a total narcissist because all I check for is for retweets.

1 kid only, means your diaphragm is for walls after all.

Actress Rosario Dawson flirting with one-time presidential hopeful, Corey Booker:

Would you run into a burning building for me Corey?

Was it you or Chloe Sevigny who got Aids in the movie Kids? Just kidding. In the end, that white bitch, didn’t feel so privileged after all.

Have they taken the Rocky statue down yet in Philly? Because it promotes white supremacy.

Fuck China. Chinese made Fentanyl has killed more crackers in this country, than Lena Dunham kicking it with Taylor Swift on Instagram.

The NY Times, says mothers who juggle jobs outside the home today, spend as much time with their kids than stay at home mom’s in the seventies. So, all the stay at home moms from the seventies slept on job on one 2 many Quaaludes, haunted by images of Cosby’s family friendly sweaters. I don’t get it.

Wish I subbed my no show, whiny Jewish Grandma for a wise black Grandma for my wedding. Post an ad on Craig’s List. Tyler Perry impersonators are welcome. Must be comfortable performing in front of white audiences only.

I don’t believe ex Knicks all-star Kristaps Porzingis tried to rape a girl in his apartment building the day he tore his ACL. First, going strong to the hole was never KP’s forte. Last, do you see Harvey Hair Clumps Weinstein trying to rape Wonder Woman played by Gal Gadot on only one good leg?

Deplorable is anyone glad Jussie Smollett took a shot.

48 people have been fired at Google for sexual harassment. But Software Engineers are too busy banging out code to hit on girls. Plus, I don’t think their typical Perl script command is, “Massage my Carpal Tunnel, ho.”

Whenever my son whose 3, get’s fussy around mama. Mama says. “Baby gets bored whenever he spends too much time with me.” Always knew he was a quick learner.

Quotes about Mother’s Day aren’t the best sales pitches to use on Millennial Mouseketeers relishing their non-mom status.

It’s difficult but rewarding.

Being a mom has made me so tired yet happy.

Tina Fey doesn’t smirk anymore.

Enough with Israeli aggression. If Hamas fires 700 rockets into Israel’s backyard, don’t expect an Edible Arrangement gift basket in return, with a thank a note written in Farsi

Hillary giving a speech on Cybersecurity is like Kevin Durant giving a Ted Talk on how to ignore cyber-bullying.

Hate is good because it motivates you to seek out places where you feel more valued and appreciated like at a Trump rally behind your wife’s back, to make your sex life above average again. Put my man meat in Indiana MILF, I’m ready to play, play.

John Snow from Game of Thrones, going to rehab in Connecticut for 75 grand a week ruins everything. John Snow was supposed to be the more alpha dog Orlando Bloom in a beard, yet now you get the impression he’d startle easily from a cutting stare by Gordon Ramsey on an episode of Master Chef, celebrity edition for his take on Dothraki Lamb burgers.

Chef Ramsey yells:

This burger tastes like burnt villagers John Snow. And what the fuck were you thinking making Dothraki Lamb Burgers with a rosemary, roasted garlic aioli John Snow? Dothraki’s are never confused for shishy bitches like yourself John, no offense.

What I love about President Trump, still your President, is his relentless optimism and over the top salesmanship. If Trump was diagnosed with HIV today, he’d tweet the next morning. Do I have HIV yes? But my T Cell Count Numbers have never been stronger.

Michael Kornbluth

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