Justin Timberlake insists spending this much time with his only kid with Jessica Biel is just not human. Jessica Biel with no make up on in sweats failing to give him sustained stiffage should’t be an alien concept for Justin at this point either.
But my younger brother doesn’t do well with an unstructured schedule and has a hard time sleeping from snorting his claustrophobia blues away. At least his vitamin C uptake with Screwdrivers in the AM will boost his immunity.
#LockdownExtended So Naomi Watts stuffs her face with more Red Velvet Cake, thinking she’s quirky off script to all her Instagram followers for another month. She has split custody. Get a grip. Improvise and take virtual Second City 101 babe.
#Lockdownextended. How will Justin Timberlake revert to feeling like a normal serial philanderer again, with dreams of Britney Spear’s scrumptious tight snatch of yesteryear again?
It’s hard to not to feel racially targeted at Whole Foods buying Matzah with a face mask on covering your nose. Yes, I’m Jewish. I celebrate Passover like Jesus the original super Jew. We got Jewish grandchildren in the White House, ha, ha.
It’s hard not to get angry at your mom when she never makes the time to acknowledge the new grandchildren pics you text her from Passover during the #cornoravirus. I text her. This is no way to book a Zoom meeting with your grandchildren ma.
I wish the US surgeon general instructed my neighbors to avoid smoking crap skunk weed during day light hours personally. Who wakes and bakes past college, on a weekday with your baby brothers and sisters at home no less? I wouldn’t call them mensch material.
#Lockdownextended. How will Baby Boomers adjust to remaining virtual Facebook grandparents at large while Biden keeps forgetting the #Coronavirus isn’t what Hunter caught from a stripper in Cancun doing shots up her colo?
#Lockdownextended. But you’re not some wide eyed kid who got drugged and sodomized by the Tiger King under house arrest, smoking brain zapping indoor. So social distancing is still allowing you to come out on top, alright.
The best part about the #coronavirus is calling out your “mom for being too busy to comment on the Seder pics you text her from the 1st night of Passover. No comments yet mom? Even Biden would remember to pretend he gave a shit about the holy week.
Imagine the 1st debate between Trump and Biden. Trump says, “Why did China give billions to Hunter’s Private Equity Fund? Was it hush money to keep the vaccine for #Corona secret, stashed in a microchip made in Tawain up that tore up stripper’s snatch?
You know you’re hopeless, rudderless perv if you still insist on massage therapy at the local happy ending parlor as an essential service to preserve your sanity and drain your hate speech anger issues.
Do It All Dad
Persian Jews hit each other with scallions to symbolize the whips of their slave masters on Passover.
We didn’t do that growing up. Do It All Dad You add extra bacon to your cheeseburger orders at Wendy’s, fake news Jew.
My gentile wife tensing on Passover. Fuck Elijah, close the door, so the cat doesn’t get out. You better hide the afikoman someplace where the kids can’t break the house trying to find it. You didn’t pay for college Jew boy? What are you so bitter about?