Crawfish is shrimp with more personality.
A Yale Scientist saying, “Reopening America is awfully close to genocide”, doesn’t sound very scientific. This putz breath wouldn’t be hired as a creative consultant on Michael Bay’s next blockbuster man made disaster flick is all I’m saying.
Giving your kids Melatonin to sleep, so you don’t have to read them stories for more than 2 seconds without them passing out isn’t natural. Losing all zest for life, 2 seconds into visiting my in-laws in Delaware, reclining themselves to death in their matching Lazy Boyz chairs tearing apart at the seams, is.
In her new Netflix doc, Michelle Obama says, “She conceded her dreams after having 2 children.” I thought she was disbarred from being a lawyer in Chicago. Also, wasn’t Obama a community daycare organizer? But Michelle conceded her dreams of being Tina Turner in the Wayans’s brother remake, What’s Talent Got To Do With It? I don’t get it.
Didn’t Michelle Obama call the White House a prison sentence? But she paid her mom a White house salary to look after her kids, so what was Michelle prevented from doing exactly, besides cleaning up the Lincoln bedroom before Melania had it fumigated, allegedly.
Having children is a concession that cost me my dreams. Working 80-hour weeks, as a career woman in a monkey suit, with an expense account, over making more brown shit looking Almond smoothies for your daughters, sounds less appealing actually Michelle. At least, children aren’t parasitical, professional liars yet for a living.
Fuck Jay Cutler’s wife for divorcing him because he just wants to hang out with his 3 kids on their Tennessee Farm after he agreed to be on her stupid reality show, giving free advertising to her overrated jewelry business nobody gives 2 shits about it. The man had his head smashed in for God knows how many years and brought way more money into the relationship than you sweet tits. He’s earned the right to sit on his ass and enjoy the fruits of his labor. Oh, he’s not motivated enough for you because he doesn’t want to do broadcasting for the NFL to do his best sad sack Troy Aikman impersonation. Cut Cutler some slack, you narrow minded, user bitch. Jay Cutler is a real piece of shit for wanting to grow closer to his 3 kids and spend more time with them knowing you normally either ignore them, plop them in front of the TV or bore them to fucking death. But I’m sure a pearl necklace from someone else whose isn’t the father of your 3 children, will make the relationship stick, if he sucks off fake news fro Collin Kaepernick in the ESPN broadcast booth no matter what.
I still haven’t a heard a good pitch on why my kids should learn Spanish. Oh, it will make other languages easier to learn. You’ll be able to score cocaine in Cancun that isn’t cut with AJAX. Telemundo is always hiring, because they actually produce solid ratings no matter what, unlike CNN.
Low impact rides on the Peloton Bike are off the list. Nothing is more deflating before a workout than your posh sounding English riding instructor, encouraging you to feel good about your low impact ride, despite her reminding you every 2 seconds, “I don’t do low impact rides ever like bike rides through no go zones in Westminster during Ramadan but that’s just me.”
Learning how my Charles Barkley rookie card is selling for 550 bucks on EBAY after my father insisted I sell it for drinking money for Cancun my senior year in high school is more infuriating than learning how MJ called Scottie Pippen selfish for stalling surgery before his contact renegotiation with Jerry Krause, who was already paying the most underrated number 2 less than BJ Armstrong’s nanny.
Embrace science or risk being branded a religious right fanatic by your lapsed Catholic wife or being called a Nazi if you’re dumb enough to bring up the subject of men’s reproductive rights ever again. Despite, men being obligated to pay child support, forever regardless if they planned on getting them pregnant or was in love with their slippery, sly snatch or not.
At the grocery store I saw huge, succulent strawberries for Mother’s Day I’m assuming, for mama’s boys who act like Trump commenting on Ivanka being a stunner is gross.
Is it me or does Robert Dinero still look like Betsy Ross falling apart at the seams?
Even an Australian accent couldn’t make Robert Dinero any less charming these days since all of Marty’s good parts went to Leo.
If Google doesn’t manipulate search results, then why is it harder to find positive mentions of President Trump than it is to find a film reviewer on Rotten Tomatoes who called the Irishman underrated?
The Corona China Virus has cost Walt Disney 1.4 billion. But they bought Fox so they’d be discouraged to do hard hitting investigative pieces on Jefferey Epstein’s ties to Rape Wood and his underage sex slaves giving pedicures to Matt Groening’s gnarly looking toenails on Lolita Express without a face mask so she’d look more super animated about the privilege.
Every father who has ever lived has a dream for his son? I just remember my dad telling me to write a list on things I like about myself while never offering any personal input in return.
A gay porno star broke Corona lock down rules attending a gay bash at some loft in Manhattan and filmed the entire foray on Instagram. The Strobe Lights weren’t wearing masks for protection either. Spitting on his hand before stroking off the DJ for playing Donna Summer’s On The Radio doesn’t count as washing your hands either.
No father should ever say a girl his out of his son’s league. You might as well say, “I wouldn’t fuck you, if you came from money or not. I don’t care how much bigger your dick is than mine.”
Nothing screams I sold my soul to China more than a LinkedIn post, from a children’s programmer showrunner on LinkedIn, praising the reopening of Disney Shanghai on May 14th. But stay clear of the Bat Man Ride at Six Flags because it’s way scarier than a Wuhan scientist’s life insurance premium after calling into Infowars with Alex Jones.
Trump is so threatened by Obama, he tore up his nuke gifting Iran deal and told the Death to America crowd to pound more sand.
Yeah, Trump is really threatened by Obama’s Five O Clock Shadow part 2.
Trump is threatened by Obama. I don’t recall Obama being JFK with the woman or a playboy like Billy Dee Williams who drinks Bud Light instead of Colt 45.
How threatening is Obama in a dark alley trying to score some crack if Michelle isn’t around packing?
Insisting Trump is threatened by Obama is like saying Chris Rock sweats following Kevin Heart at the Just For Laughs Comedy Festival in Montreal.
What has Obama ever done that’s threatened Trump? Beating Mitt once, begrudgingly endorsing little girl hair sniffer and having his daughter attend a non-Ivy league college when she wasn’t passing out at Lollapalooza, who’s never filled into her mom’s shoulder pads from Grambling State University doesn’t count.
If Trump is threatened by Obama, Jared Kushner sweats Seth Meyers around Ivanka during reformed Jewish single mixers during Yom Kippur.
Trump is threatened by Obama. Yeah, and Tarantino gives 2 shits about Spike Lee’s thoughts on his liberal use of the n word after winning best original screenplay for Pulp Fiction.
Obama was a good man. He was going to ask Bob Mueller to be the best man at his wedding, after Michelle strong armed him into renewing their wedding vows. But chose to pass after Mueller came up with bupkis. Oh yeah, we learned Bob Mueller parts his hair with good old-fashioned elbow grease.