I’m reading my rave review for The Great American Jew Novel to my father from the Midwest Book Review, proving how the book wasn’t too overtly Jewy for the American heartland’s tastes. Soon after, my dad blurts out, “Always knew you can do it.” Just kidding, instead he blurts out, “Eating Kosher outside the home to is very extreme. You’ll never be Orthodox Jewish, you know.” I say, “Because I’m a fancy Faggallah, who owns more pairs of designer sneakers than I’m comfortable admitting. But I bought all of them at the Nordstrom Rack in White Plains, NY, so that must earn me some humble man props within the hardcore Chabad houses in Crown Heights, don’t you think so pops? Pre-Covid, I also never have sex with my wife on the rag, nor got up for mere plowing of her box for Torah commanded business sake every Friday night, after sundown for Shabbat, so I share that much more in common with the hardcore Hasidic, Orthodox Jews than you think Dad. Actually, I identify more with the Hasidic woman homemakers than Orthodox Jews who break down the Talmud every day, arguing for why Madonna’s blown-up camel toe is largely a result of Dennis Rodman occupying her ever expanding territory longer than most.”
Understand, I’m in Scottsdale, Arizona over Christmas Break and famished, yet pretty burnt out on Fish Fillet’s from McDonald’s and I wasn’t feeling a fried fish burrito from Mexican fast food chain Rubio’s just yet. I already done my research on Yelp and found a couple of Kosher haunts nearby I hadn’t tired yet. One place turned out to be a purely vegetarian haunt, which I should’ve realized this from the parking lot, as I spotted an anemic, Zoe Kravitz clone on the outside patio, sucking down another American Spirit for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Then, I track down a Kosher food truck, which was closed, next to a Jewish community center in Scottsdale, Arizona yet I felt like another wandering, starved, direction challenged Jew lost in the desert again, without any imminent relief for hunger pangs in sight. Then, I thought, In and Out is close by. I’ll write off breaking my extreme commitment to upholding the Koshterian Diet because I’m writing a book on the subject, and everybody breaks their diet at some point, right? I don’t want to come across as an all-knowing exalted, funny man Jew, who isn’t a slave to his inhalatory, animalistic leanings from time to time. So, I wait on the line at In and Out off of Frank Lloyd Wright Boulevard and think, “This MILF is so hot. I don’t care if she has 6 million kids. I’d like to inhale her animal style on the spot.” Then, my double, double, cheeseburger, animal style arrives, and I decide tear into it, with zero reservation like the 1st time Jared Kushner went down on Ivanka because his rose water infused lunch didn’t fill him up less than he anticipated. I didn’t enjoyed one nosh of it. The Ivanka Trump of cheeseburger, cheeseburger, it wasn’t. Afterwards, as I receive a Hannukah pedicure away from my 3 kids back east in splendid isolation, I thought, “Are you in and out of God, or what?”
Later, during my trip, my father issued an ultimatum, declaring, by my parents beautifully tilled, well-earned Arizona Estate home while I became at one with the pool and God’s beautiful, imbibed universe, by emphatically stating, “I can make a better burger than In and Out.” So, I put my father to the test, took a pleasant schlep to East Phoenix to a place called the Imperial Kosher Market to pick up some premium ground Kosher meat in the hopes of my dad not burning out the inherent laden flavor again and succeed he did, despite the Imperial Kosher market looking more run down disheveled than Matthew Perry on the set of Celebrity Rehab. I roasted some diced up cherry tomatoes, hand bathed in cold press, Virgin Olive oil, fresh ground pepper, Kosher salt and chopped Mexican oregano from my mother’s Cactus rich garden to throw on top of the bomb burger, which insulated the burger with a rich shield, of sweet sultriness, which drowned out any glaring, dark black char marks on these heaven-sent burgers, enjoyed inside after watching the sunset over the beautiful desert bloom sun. I also saluted some baby bella mushrooms, some sweet Vidalia onions with a sherry wine finish, which took this in and out of God lead family burger creation so much higher, making feel more than alright, in my parent’s home sweet, Kosher virtual home.