It’s hard to get kinky with your wife when you’re a Stay At Home Dad, because you’re already choking her too hard financially.
Wife says, “Don’t expect me to suck you off. I say, “Pretend Obama ordered you to leak it.”
Why do I need a smartphone? So I can receive more misspelled texts from my retired mother who has all day to correct them.
I want to flip off my smartphone for a flip phone because I’m tired of getting cagy defensive whenever my daughter asks, “Daddy, what do you do after tucking me in at night?” I say, “I squeeze in some daddy time alright.”
Wife just told me I got her a vibrator for her birthday. I said, “Buzz off, and let me finish already.”
What does Chris Rock have to say to Kyrie Irving that’s so edgy deep poignant again? Sell your soul to the CDC and be a big pharma puppet player like me? Or else no clam bake parties in Martha’s Vineyard with Obama Be Good catered by Snoop and Martha Stewart. Those brownies were major creepers boy. I didn’t know if I was flying or dying.
Why should Scottie Pippen be embarrassed to call out MJ for being a condescending prick during the Last Dance doc Stephen A? You know MJ hogs up all the credit for boxing out Laura Pippen from giving him herpes 1st because she already called 1st dibs on Charles Oakley in the VIP Room at Walter Payton’s.
Capitol Rioters, it was a self-guided selfie tour of the Capital Building.
Bill Gates bought 124 acres of land in North Salem after uprooting the local population one vax shot at a time.
They’re pushing the vax on kids now because Bill Gates doesn’t have enough money. Might as well go for the jugular kill shot. Who would want to have kids anymore anyway where every day is Sharia Law is here to stay day?
Pfizer pushing the clot shot on kids by promising superpowers to come with it isn’t too sci-fi demented scary. What’s next, a sci remake of Fahrenheit 451 except the police firemen are on a mission from God to burn every last copy of of Hydroxychloroquine for Dummies that gives Dan Aykroyd the willies? Take the clot shot Joey and you’ll feel empowered enough to press pause on 13 Reasons Why and cyberbully Kyrie Irving on Twitter for being a Mongoloid Moron for not trusting the media and our government like any boy should. Hey, Joey, have you ever seen a grown man naked? Who hasn’t pooped his pants, 1st? So Biden’s pool parties at his beach house in Rehoboth Beach don’t count as Mr. Groper yells to his female Secret Service Agent, “Told you I was bigger than Boogie Boarder Obama? ”
Dropped by the local library with my kids for old times sake. They offer us masks. I say, “Isn’t burying your head in children books about Fuck Face Fauci sufficient? Socially distancing yourself from the Dooie Decimal System, I get this late in your library management career. Also, don’t you think Drag Queen Reading is scary? Fluorescent library lights don’t look flattering on anybody, especially on a poor man’s Marilyn Manson impersonator..
Pfizer claims their COVID pill reduces chances of hospitalization and death by 80 percent. Yeah, and Jackie Robison sweated the prospect of breaking Ty Cobb’s single season record for stolen bases by the All Star break. Go Jackie go, Jackie be good. Jackie Brown not so much. That movie has aged worse than Dinero on the View these days, who looks like Betsy Ross falling apart at the seams, Challah, thank you very much.