Perfect Swishes

College National Player of the Year or not, Duke grad Danny Ferry being drafted before Shawn Kemp, Glen Rice and Tim Hardaway is some racist ass shit. He was balding in college for Christ’s sake like a senior accountant for Arthur Anderson after they became top auditor shredders for Enron. I also recall Danny Ferry’s vertical jump being whiter than White Man’s Disease. And his last name is fucking Ferry, so what else did you expect flat-footed twinkle toes to achieve in the high-flying NBA post Jordan rules? Plus, I bet Danny Ferry’s singing bonus with Cleavland was more than Scottie Pippen made that year. When Scottie was still being paid less than BJ Armstrong’s nanny. Before MJ was intent on choking out Steve Kerr’s white privilege, for daring to launch an open jumper without a permission note from Michael despite shooting a higher shooting percentage from way downtown than his highness. Even Michael wouldn’t take that bet.

But seriously, what cracker ass GM for the Cleavland Cavaliers thought it was a good look drafting Danny Ferry over Shawn Kemp? Granted, Shawn Kemp was out of high school, but his rippling raw athleticism and ultra-funk filled finishes high above the rim made Clyde Drexler pull out what remaining hair he had. Overnight, he went from Clyde the Glide to Faye Dunaway maudlin nuts in Bonnie and Clyde. Fine, the Cavs had Mark Price already, who looked Michael J Fox and Emilio Estevez had a cross pollinated baby, made in the high hopping hoping institute in Malibu, CA, so they didn’t need Tim Hardaway, who never won a ring in the NBA anyway, despite inspiring Allen Iverson to break more ankles than Meghan Mccain on a booze cruise after going on carb free diet. But you don’t draft Danny Ferry over Glen Rice. He won a national championship at Michigan and was their all-time scorer. Plus, his follow through was smoother than Warren Beatty during his casting couch session with Madonna on the set of Dick Tracy. “Hop on my dick Material Girl. And fuck your demands, I’m only paying you scale.” But Jalen Rose thought Christian Laettner was an overrated pretty boy. Well, some might accuse your boy Chris Webber of the same thing. How many national championships did you win stocking socks? What’s the difference between Jalen Rose and Stephen Jackson? Jalen Rose is smart enough to admit he isn’t educating himself on Hitler into his mid-forties after graduating Michigan University. Perfects Swishes, Challah. Thank you very much.

Michael Kornbluth