Singularly Special

New Book Idea:

Elmer Gantry meets Little Miss Sunshine, meets Tony Robins doc on Netflix.

Children of the Korn is about 3 super-naturally funny yet singularly special kids who help scare kids into conquering their fears, so they don’t turn into hollowed out versions of their parents. Children Of The Korn tour the eastern seaboard in their dads new Winnebago after selling his cherished Stratocaster guitar and record collection while selling his Do It All Dad merchandise in the forms of books, comedy records, whiskey coasters and corn holders along the way to help make his Do It All Dad Year come true by conquering his fear of becoming another wannabe, highly reluctant, yuppie sell out without giving his standup comedy performing career one more shot for the road. It’s a promising start, Children of the Korn, Challah. Thank you very much.

Look, I lived in West Hollywood for 4 years, experimented with men, and Trans gals, you name it. Still, I’m getting tired of hearing my daughter use the term homophobia at camp. Apparently, one camp member confused ageism with homophobia. And I said, “Gay guys, and Trans girls have never been freer free balling on Casual Fridays Matilda. Do you really need to see my Tumblr feed, Bulging Toward Bethlehem? But that’s a good excuse to use for not scoring minimal copywriting job interviews to use on Me-Me, Matilda.

“Son, why can’t you get a junior copywriter job at 46 again? I say, “First, I’ve been too busy condemning evil Mom, 118 comedy records later, Singularly Special coming right up. Second, I’m being discriminated against for being an over the hill, all over the place, highly smutz prone, closet queen. Third, employers have a hard time labeling me mom. So, he’s married, has 3 kids, writes like a total fruitcake, but does objectifying trans material on his comedy record like Funny Enough Fagala. Even worse, he uses his children to deflect such aggressive hate hurled speech on bits like the time Do It All Dad explains to his daughter what Trans is. Do It All Dad says, “Trans is gay about dressing up in woman’s clothing. So, was Shakespeare trans because he dressed up like a girl in all his plays daddy? I don’t know. But I know Kevin Spacy bought the old Vic Theatre because he’s gay about lunging at Othello in tights.”

How did my virtual date go Alexa? It was short lived after Jefferey Toobin from the New Yorker got very defensive, when I started our coffee date with, “Hands up high where I can see them Toobin. Let’s engage in some empty filler talk 1st. Macchiato’s are circumcised Cappuccinos. Being Gen X though, 3 recessions later after 9/11 and post COVID damage done, I prefer straight up espresso, no chaser. Because my generation likes our coffee like our comedy, dark and bitter. For example, Nirvana didn’t kill Hair Metal, Aids did, before Magic made HIV disappear. Shout all you want Toobin. Mummering show me your tits cunt is why Starbucks are closing left and right Seattle and in Portlandia. I know, how is Chaz in charge of Seattle now? Now, every day in Seatle is burnout day, ANTIFA apartheid represent, Challah, singularly special. Thank you very much.

With or without you is about who again Bono? Some Irish Lassie, with fucked up chompers, who swallows but grazes from time to time?

Mick Jagger getting his panties in a bunch over Eric Clapton speaking out against the temporary paralysis he received from the clot shot is lame. Whatever happened to tumbling Dice, Size O? Mick Jagger has become a sell shill shit for Dr. Gnocchi like the rest and I don’t like it, like it.

Fuck anyone who claims Fergie singing the national anthem during the NBA All-Star game ruined her career, including my son, who threw his backpack at me to carry when I picked him up from camp. Only, for me to throw his backpack at him in front of hundreds of parents before yelling, “I’m not your butler bitch.” Singuarly special, Challah. Thank you very much.

Granted, the hushed, breathy, Mr. President vibe Fergie exuded during rendition of the National Anthem didn’t mesh with her beautifully dangerous on fire snatch that’s been known to spread for Mick Jaggar by merely referring to his love juice as start me up crank on par with high grade crystal meth used by the CIA to brainwash ANTIFA into thinking they’re a bunch of Punish vigilante freedom fighter gorillas in black hoodies from Target due to star in Oliver Stone’s New Film, the Day Democracy Died, but you get the gist.

Why did Obama Be Good win the Nobel Peace Prize again? Oh, so Kendrick Lamar’s win for the Pulitzer Prize felt legit, after Obama Be Good rebranded ISIS, ISIL, so they’d sound more start up friendly in the NY Times. The Showbiz Show with David Spade lives Challah, thank you very much.

But yeah, Obama Be Good, rebranded ISIS, ISIL, so they’d sound more startup friendly in the NY Times. That’s an Obama accomplishment for you besides birthing a woke daughter who goes on hunger strikes now over Thanksgiving.

Malia, you haven’t even touched your Tofurky. How you could let me intern Miramax, knowing what you know Dad? At the time, Miramax looked on your resume. Besides, Michelle was your chaperone on the set and that fat Jew couldn’t pin down Michelle if he tried. “

I don’t think Kristaps Porzingis, Latvian Unicorn bust on the Mavs who used to play for the Knicks tried to rape a woman in his apartment complex in NY, the day he tore his ACL. First, going strong to the hole was never KP’s forte. Plus, would Harvey Weinstein try to rape Gal Gadot, only one good leg? But least Harvey Weinstein’s wife of 15 years finally left Hair Clumps, to focus on her lifetime battle with, amnesia.

I don’t know anything manly outside of banging my 3 kids out by mistake because I never mastered the art of the pump fake. All Dad taught me was a half-formed hook shot. So, I ask my wife, “What is a Septic Tank exactly? Does it collect shitty writing fumes from Salon or what? Wife says,” The septic system filters out the poop” I say, “I think there’s a good shit joke in there after shitting on Salon.com prior. Such as, “I’d be afraid to take the plunge into homosexual plunger land these days, especially in New York City, because culturally observant, non-religious Jews are full of enough of shit already. Literally, one tip thrust in, and your hole wrecker causes a mudslide season’s worth of septic shit on your dick.” Singularly special shit schtick, Challah. Thank you very much.

My son insists mommy drop him off at camp today. He doesn’t fuss when Mama applies sunscreen, which normally drags longer than Megan Mccain’s getting comfortable for bed routine, as her husband has to dislodge a series of mouse traps from her belly rolls that perpetually hit the floor to suck up all the cubes of Vermont cheddar left for mouses since she started Fondu Fridays in bed during the height of COVID. Then, my son jump-hugs me from behind, as I’m hunched over by the recycling bin and says, “I’m kissing mama’s Tokus like you told me to.” Controlling our kids with comedy can make our kids great again, my reimagined Yiddish expression laced directives are living proof of it. At the same time, he should be kissing mama’s Tokus as a part of a full-fledged apology campaign after carving up her sticker print painted, flower design housing his endless super-size action figures. But that’s what happens when you show your kid Rambo at 4. To survive mama’s wrath, you become a tokus kissing machine. What was my son’s excuse for carving up his flower printed toy chest? He didn’t like the design on it. At least, my son isn’t revoking his white privilege and took to carving out polo horses just yet.

Most depressing Google search ever, “States least likely to get knocked up in.” 2nd most depressing Google search term, Rob Kardashian on your daughter’s I-Pad. I’m assuming she wanted to empathize better with daddy being the Trust Fund baby fuck up son on layaway in the form of 3 mini-miracles as collateral.

But I’m not complaining about my 3 mini miracles because unlike Daddy, they’ll never feel dumb. Talked down to by lesser brains, temperamental hicks and sketchy slimeball souls, sure. But thank God, they’ll never feel like complete morons who take their 1st sales job in LA without first asking how draw versus commission actually works. They’ll know better than to go barefoot in the showers at LA Fitness on Wilshire Blvd. And more importantly, they’ll never put themselves in a position to confuse snorting cocaine with crystal meth. Only later to hear, “Dude, that wasn’t cocaine, it was crystal meth. I thought you knew the difference. Only to reply with, “I didn’t know I was participating in the fucking Pepsi Challenge.” Can get a Challah for Mini-Miracles? They give singularly special a good name. Slippery When Wet lives, Challah. Thank you, Lord, very, very, very much.

Michael Kornbluth

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