Greatest Recession Nation

Broke man on campus interview.

Are you in college?

Yeah, how did you know?

The U Penn mask was a dead giveaway.

Plus, I’m conducting interviews outside the Wharton School of Business.

So, you’re a business major, I assume?

No, I major in gender fluid studies at Oberlin college and minor in films done to demonize whitey by Jordan Peele. I loved his last film Get Out Of My Dreams, Katy Perry. You’re not the added color I’m casting for.

So how does an Economics professor at the Wharton Business School define a Recession today?

Hunter giving up blow for blow painting because he can’t afford good blow anymore.

After President Poopy Pants told the Ukranian energy company to cut out giving Sir Snort a Lot 50 grand a week to push borscht as the new Kombucha.

Drug jokes aside, how would you explain a Recession to your nephew today?

Tocca Boca money won’t get you jack shit in Boca.

Fuck the Vanguard Index. The only thing the Vanguard Index mimics these days is Prince Harry’s depression. I shouldn’t make fun of mental health. Harry tried to kill himself. Harry hasn’t shaved in years.

So, fuck the Vanguard Index. In only DeSantis We Trust, Florida gotta to love it.

Invest in bitcoin, which is Tocca money to use in real life.

You can trade bitcoin for cash or gold teeth fillings from R. Kelly on the cheap.

Dark money rules everything around me, dollar, dollar bills, yah.

What, my nephew just had Wu Tang play his Bar Mitzvah party at Griffith Park in Silverlake?

Is Dave Chappelle still defending R. Kelly in his act these days?

Get off your R. Kelly’s dick already Breitbart.

He’s the black Elvis with weaker bladder control.

Or just the ask the Tooth Fairy for a Money Tree, assuming it’s not made in Wuhan, which is sprayed with Spike Proteins used designed to depress your immune system more than entry in the Dalla’s Buyers’ Club.

What, my nephew identifies with Harry Style’s pansexual leanings in the remake of Peter Pan called, Cock Blocking Puberty Blockers. So little boys never develop enough raging testosterone to fight off advances from Michael Jackson impersonators during Drag Queen Reading Hour once Fabiola calls in sick for the Monkey Pox. How would the King of Popping Cherries defend himself today? All the Beatles royalty points in the world, can’t buy me love?

So, buy a Money Tree, not made in Wuhan, which will definitely yield you more luck than the stock market these days. The 3-year return on the S&P is dropping faster than Meghan Mccain’s belly rolls while despanxing.

A recession is like breast reduction surgery.

It only causes more financial strain.

Because you have to buy your own drinks now.

Plus, your personal worth plummets because banking on your personality to net more angel seed money interest in your dog walking business was a losing bet that caused your next great depression.

Oh, yeah that’s it. You want to explain what a Recession is today on Seaseme Street?

Count Dracula can get count 13 reasons why were the Greatest Recession Nation.

Trump didn’t come up with the term Great Recession Nation we did. One.

Were the great recession nation because Jimmy Carter got his Mojo back which makes him feel smoother than sanding alphabet blocks for his grandchildren carved in Farsi.

Two.

Were the greatest recession nation because Al Gore is trying to be relevant again. Still, why don’t I sweat global warming? Because Al Gore’s speaking career since 2006 has cooled considerably. Three.

Were the greatest recession nation because it’s the great reset, you dumb, sheepish bitches. Klaus Schwab and his Nazi spawn overlords will ensure America becomes Placenta Smoothie Nation in no time, come hell or high water. Four.

Were the greatest recession nation because big tech doesn’t need multiple Talent Acquistion Managers to order in for Taco Tuesdays anymore. Five.

Were the greatest recession nation because deplorable oil riggers are forced to sell solar panels on commission only, which gives Death of A Salesman new life at the local playhouse in Odessa, Texas, once the Friday night lights experience another rolling blackout from relying on wind farms built on quicksand to power increased electricity demands. Opening the border for the next Santana garage band to emerge isn’t helping resolve their electric power demands either. Six.

Were the greatest recession nation because the Big Guy is getting his cut from the Ukraine while Zelensky poses for Glamour magazine with his wife in his finest olive-green shirt from the Gap in Boca Roton. Seven.

Were the greatest recession nation because Biden made shorting Banana Republic stock great again. You can’t even get a decent pair of docker shorts there anymore because of incessant supply chain issues, yada, yada, yada, Jap Breath. Eight.

Were a great recession nation because it takes 6 months to get a custom-made couch from Mexico delivered to your house to burn when you run out of oil money this winter, so the timing will be perfect really. Nine.

Were a great recession nation because Capitalism regains their leverage over your free time and doesn’t have to tolerate your pansy ass requests for remote work anymore. As if your children possess more magnetic potential than the land of free I-Phones if you manage to cross over our border without forgetting to say, “No, Papers, Senior. Democrats bueno, Republicans, Punta Holes. Joe Rogan meh.” 10.

Trumpy Poo didn’t coin Greatest Recession Nation. 11.

Trumpy Poo didn’t coin Greatest Recession Nation 12.

Trumpy Poo didn’t coin Greatest Recession Nation 13.

Only Republicans have bad creditability problems, comprende?

Greatest Recession Nation, Challah. Thanks for tanking the economy over an itchy esophagus to get Trumpy Poo out office because he would’ve schooled Greta Thunberg on Climate Change in Davos. Fracking actually reduces are carbon footprint Greta. Greta says, “So Neil Young is full of shit now.” Trump replies, “Neil Young doesn’t take showers to reduce his carbon footprint. So that much, you share in common babe.”

Above all else, I miss Trump’s relentless optimism and over the top salesmanship.

If he got Monkey Pox and HIV after the Deep State pricked him in his sleep to ensure he doesn’t run for reelection again. Trump would tweet on Truth Social the next morning, “Do I have HIV, yes? But my t-cell count numbers have never been stronger.”

Michael Kornbluth

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