Airtight Son

You can’t feel like a complete Do It All Dad bust when your son throws a spiral so tight, you’d think it was modeling 5000-dollar designer sneakers for Kayne West during Fashion Week. While Pete Davidson’s hair turns white for feeling like such an over the hill hipster hack in the presence of such pubescent Ice Man chillness in motion. Then, all the edibles in the world can’t chill Pete Davidson out after such a severe case of Hackgina causes him to suffer from premature hair loss and pack on 2 more chins as if he’s competing for Park Slope’s least desirable stay at home dad since he was forced to pull out early from Kim’s porcupine puss due to excessive meat sweats. Because now Pete Davidson identifies with Lena Dunham as the Hunchback of Bushwick during Restaurant Week. Can I get a holla for tighter than Spanx on Megan Mccain or on Virgin Number One in Allah’s Gangsta Paradise? Challah, Airtight Son amazes on. Emerging from Do It All Dad’s tree trunk helps, despite him being the boy who raised himself. I didn’t teach him to do forward flips, climb trees or write his name better than me at 4. Airtight Son did, no additional assembly required, Challah. Thank you, Lord, very, very much.

Michael Kornbluth