Crazy Stones

I always resented the alleged compliment in relation to me doing more stand-up comedy which was, “I’ll admit. You got balls man.” In other words, “You’ve got crazy stones. Because I’m not seeing the funny talented part necessary to get strangers off for a living either. But God bless your crazy great stones for deluding yourself into thinking you can. I can’t even imagine the balls it takes to interpret non-stop bombing as the audience just not understanding your rapid-fire delivery yet. They don’t possess your processing power. I’ve heard, yada, yada, yada.”

Or today I’ll hear from an old high school bud, “Oliver Stone, brilliant, but always off his rocker.” Well, like Oliver Stone says, “You’re either born crazy or boring.” I think we all know where your deadweight conversationalist sidings lean. But you loved JFK, and the 1st half of Born on the 4th. Hey asshole, Oliver Stone has weightier thoughts on a tank of Nitrous while puking his brains out than you do mainlining Adderall before giving a speech at Southwest by Southwest on targeted banner ads for Cool Whip whenever Katy Perry drops her latest and greatest video on Vevo titled, “Gummy Drop Nips Are Us”, no offense. I’m reading his book Chasing the Light and learned how Oliver Stone is half Heeb, which is an exciting discovery like learning Danny McBride is half Heeb but more kvetchy whiny than the Yankee prep from New York really, that being Oliver Crazy Great Stones. Growing up, Oliver Stone’s father would pay him money to write stories, which veered toward the violent, including massive massacres, similar to my daughter, who I’m now calling a female Oliver Stone in the making. Because she’s already writing violent, intense, World War 2 dramas involving Nazi’s and I’m constantly bombarding her with material about the stolen election, Pizza Gate, Joan River’s murder, Seth Rich, W and 9/11, our corrupt intelligence agencies, the fake news insurrection, the clot shot fatality numbers on the VAERS database website and how Biden used to skinny dip in front of his female secret service agents while garbling, “Told you, I was bigger than the boogie boarder from Kenya.” So, when my old school high school bud calls Oliver Stone crazy, I’m going to get a tad defensive on my daughter’s behalf, because she’s the female Oliver Stone in the making. Plus, they say you’re crazy till you made it, and Oliver Stone made it big time 3 decades ago, after volunteering to join the war in Vietnam and serving 2 tours of duty already. Alright, fine, maybe Oliver Stone is a little Cuckoo, but like Jack Kerouac said, “The only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars and in the middle you see the blue center light pop and everybody goes “Awww!”

When my year without beer is over, I’m grabbing a beer with Stone, over an edible or 2. He helped my generation break on through to the other side of empty eighty’s filler. Nobody gets out of here alive, that’s right Jimbo, thanks for inspiring Oliver. Name another American made director that’s had the balls to take on the Deep State for taking out Kennedy, who wanted to dismantle the CIA personally, Deep State, you know Swamp Thing. Spike Lee tries to frame Charlottesville as a new wave of White Supremacist uprising in faded Polo Shirts and Tiki-Torches. But Skinheads sport MAGA hats come rain or shine. All of a sudden, Skinheads got something to hide. I also don’t recall Trump’s campaign slogan being Make Nazi Germany Great Again. Although Groping Biden insisting ANTIFA is an “idea” or the Department of Justice giving BLM a pass as Obama’s civilian army that doesn’t understand the intricacies of Turbo Tax because it’s culturally biased software. Or an administration in charge against the will of the people, pushing millions of Americans to boost their immunity into smitheries because they didn’t drink enough placenta smoothies like Alicia Silverstone, which makes it easier to stomach those food kissing videos with her kid without throwing up your Kale Chip Sprouts. You get the impression, that we’re under a fascist favoring country that has no need for truth bomb hurlers like Oliver Stone anymore, especially since the day Democracy died. After Supreme Court Justice Amy Barrett revealed herself to be nothing more than Mia Farrow with better husband selection. Although if Oliver Stone actually thinks The Icky Shuffle won the election, then he’s batshit crazy on par with Nancy Denture Breath Pelosi. But nobody’s perfect at the plate, not even Ted Williams or Charlie Sheen whiffing at the AVN award parties these days. Crazy Stones swings on, Challah. Thank you very much.

Michael Kornbluth