Cutting Gems

Do you think blind men get the Beer Goggles? Does the Seeing Eye Dog offer a 2nd opinion? Pass Stevie. You can feel her face, but I can smell her snatch, Woof, Woof.

So far, my claim to fame was a TV appearance on the show Blind Date. All I got out of it was a free meal and herpes. Our 1st date activity was getting her mountain of muff waxed at a salon. Which she definitely grew out for the occasion. Because her Buffalo Bush was so big, it looked like a stack of Brillo pads on top of a busted slinky.

Living in Queens got scary during a game of basketball with my brother once, after 5 black dudes show up in the same outfit, cornrows, cutoff jeans and wife beaters, looking like they got dressed up for Coolio Appreciation Day. Then, the leader of the Gangster Paradise coalition yells, “Yoh, blacks versus whites.” Next, I whisper to my brother, “Yikes, this basketball court just turned into a prison yard scene real fast. We better start looking around for some Neo-Nazi’s to protect us. We didn’t watch every single episode of OZ for nothing.”

I have 3 kids because I never mastered the art of the pump fake. All my father ever taught me was a half ass formed hook shot. Growing up, he’d call me a waste of height. Because the highlight of my basketball career was scoring 10 points against an all-Japanese team. They thought the pick and roll meant their choice of fish. Every time I drove to hoop, their players ran away scared like movie extras in a Godzilla film, except instead of saying, “Godzilla”, they’d say, “Hugh Grant on stilts.” More jokes Gen X Dads understand, Challah, thank you very much.

And if Obama’s so good at basketball, then, why did he ride the bench at all Asian private school in Hawaii? No offense Yao Ming, you CCP sellout piece of shit.

I decided to make 2022 my Year Without Beer because last summer it got embarrassing, spending so much time hungover, recycling, empty reminders of my lush- littered past, as entire Rocky marathon on AMC passed me by.

I also quit taking Adderall so I could stop focusing on how ahead of the curve annoying my wife can be. Wife says, “I’ve sacrificed. She acts like an aspiring comedian in his late twenties while living in Queens wanted kids ever”

This is an impression of my daughter playing marriage counselor again. Pause daddy, mama got your point midbreath.

My daughter made me quit taking edibles because I felt like a total moron trying to answer her questions that were keeping her up after they kicked in, after I thought she was asleep already. Daughter asks, “Daddy, if God created the Universe, then who created God?” Eventually, I come up with, “God went back in time in a Time Machine made my Elon Musk” Daughter says, “Do more edibles Daddy. Thanks for making me an atheist at 4.”

I call her youngest brother, Chosen Curls Was Bound To Woo because Italian grandma’s hit on him at DeCicco’s and Sons. One of them said, “When you get older, you’re going to have 3 girlfriends to juggle. I said, “If James Woods had this kid’s face, your estimates wouldn’t be so conservative.”

When I’m out with my 3 kids, I hear, “You’ve got your hands full.” And I’ll say, “If I ever get to perform More Sheets of Comedy Gold at Radio City Music Hall one day, resulting in my wife agreeing to open marriage with Katy Perry. Then, my hands will be full.

I forgot; this is an impression of Ziggy Marley being interviewed by High Times magazine. Ziggy, your dad had 7 kids. Doesn’t excessive ganja used drained your life blaster dry? And Ziggy Marley says, “Fake news, man.”

Which reminds, me, at this point, Vermont should change their state motto from the Green State, to CBD Oil Only. Bernie Sanders couldn’t even make Vermont great for Pot Heads on vacation.

Hillary Hammer Time Cankles failed to sell 74 million branded racists on why Baby Boomer Mom knows best. Still, Huma Licker Breath still pushes a Russian collusion tale with less legs than Lieutenant Dan, despite there being no records of any Drago Holograms in your voting booth going, “Vote Trump or I’ll break you.”

I thought Hillary lost the election because she’s an unhuggable cunt, my bad.

She must have had her minions destroy that memo to.

Sons make great slacker prevention coaches. Son says, “Daddy, why haven’t you gone on the Pelton today? White Pelton privilege represent. I say, “No Peloton ride today kid. I got long COVID from the vaccine shot that depresses my immune system more than entry into the Dallas Buyers Club. You know, the same vaccine that works less than Russell Westbrook running the Triangle Offense. So after getting long COVID, I got food poisoning from the Hallal Guys before Andy Dick gave me full blown Aids through Zoom. And my slacker prevention coach son says, “Enough with the excuses daddy. You’re worse than Hillary.”

I think Obama loves Hitler the most. The boogie boarder Kenyan wished he was that organized. Exterminating anyone who criticized his nuke gifting deal to Iran would be a gas.

Obama Be Good did rebrand, ISIS, ISIL, so they’d sound more startup friendly in the NY Times. That’s an Obama accomplishment for you. Besides gifting Iran 150 billion in unmarked bills for the creation of overseas manufacturing jobs for Build A Bear, to make their economy less dependent on the sale of hair removal cream for the Kardashians.

I don’t think Bruce Jenner was asexual when he was married. But I’m positive he stayed harder, longer after her convinced Kris Jenner to cut her shorter, so she’d look more like a dolled-up Ralph Macchio.

Kris Jenner hates it when Bruce Jenner does more interviews on Ellen because it detracts from her tits sagging popularity. And stop saying Queens is hot, it’s not. Queens, compared to Manhattan and Brooklyn is the sloppy 3rd Kardashian sister. You know OJ’s daughter, who’s easy to pound at 3 in the morning like a Lamb Gyro in Astoria.

But the sloppy 3rd Kardashian sister doesn’t even call Catilyn Jenner on Father’s Day anymore. Still, if I was making 75 grand, every time I posted a new pic of my buns in Lulu Lemon sweats at Porcupine Puss Fit, I wouldn’t be in any rush to dial up pops either.

I miss Trump’s relentless optimism and over the top salesmanship. If he got HIV tomorrow because the Deep State ordered Dr. Gnocchi to prick him with the dirty needle used to take out Easy E, Trump would tweet on Truth Social the next morning, “Do I have HIV yes, but my T-Cell Count numbers have never been stronger.”

If Groping Biden, AKA, the Icky Shuffle got more votes than Obama Be Meh ever did. Then DMX gave up weed for catnip. Then, Michelle, What’s Talent Got To Do With It, Turner, regretted pissing on the ceiling fan before Trump got sworn in as President. Only for The Donald to comment to Melania later that evening after getting pissed on for real this time from above in the Lincoln Bedroom, “Is this what Tina Turner 2.0 meant, when She- Hulk said, “When they go low, we aim high.”

Cutting Gems, Challah. Thank you very much.

Michael Kornbluth