Ballad Of Dirt-Poor Duram

“Fuck South Africa and Trevor Noah to, a white 45-year-old Trust Fund Baby turned drug counselor star of Skid Row tells Howard Stern while calling in on his radio show, claiming he went to same high school as Obama in Honolulu, stating, “Howard, if Obama is such a baller, then why did he ride the bench at an all-Asian private school in Hawaii? Howard Stern otherwise known as Weak, Woke, Howard Stern these days says, “What do you have against Trevor Noah? John Stewart didn’t think you were talented enough to take over the Daily Show reigns either.” Thomas Blanc says, “When Obama was president, you never heard anyone pronounce with palpable, pronounced feeling while online at the Post Office, “I love Barack Hussein Obama.” Comedy Central executives felt the same way when they decided to resign Trevor Noah for the foreseeable future. But I’m supposed to care about what a South African has to say about race relations in America today, after all the riots during the summer of love honoring Thug Lives Matter Most? That’s like taking natural birthing lessons seriously from Chaz Bono.”

Howard laughs. “So, who did you say you were again? A trust fund baby turned Drug Counselor star on Skid Row on the Bowery who hails from Duram, South Africa originally? But the Bowery on the Lower East Side has been cleaned up for years since Patti Smith’s gay pimp hubby gave George Takei lockjaw love while taking a load off after hosting SNL once for Gay Asian American Appreciation Week, I think.”

“Name is Thomas Blanc Howard, but yes, I’m a former Trust Fund Baby surfer from South Africa turned Drug Counselor personality star after my mom cut me off for cocking blocking Jude Law from fucking my mom during the World Cup in Durham, South Africa once that’s correct. So, I sold my surf gear and some gold-plated anal beads for a one-way ticket to JFK and went from being a billionaire dollar, Trust Fund Baby, to an unemployed surf bum, crashing on benches in Washington Square Park, almost overnight. It’s a long fucking flight to get here from South Africa mate, especially when you dread the prospect of surviving on New York’s means streets when your only survival skill prior was making an eight ball last past last call while only hearing last call from the bathroom stall. But eventually, I kicked my addiction to non-stop blow, because I couldn’t afford it anymore and no longer traveled in those circles. Sean Lennon I and used to be best blow buddies for Christ’s Sake.  Howard, this is my impression of John Lennon taking Sean for a stroll during his 1st day as a Stay at Home Dad through Central Park. Choke on a fucking cucumber scone Paul. Even primal scream therapy has its limitations mate. And yes, the Bowery is complete shit hole again Howard. Chinese made Fentanyl has killed more crackers in this country than Taylor Swift kicking it with Lena Dunham on Instagram.”

“You’re a funny guy Thomas.” I should make you a new honorary member of our Wack Pack. Can’t imagine how whacked out you sounded on the nose candy bro. Bet you could talk circles around Russell Brand on Hunter Biden’s extra strength Adderall that’s turned him into the Jackson Pollock of Blow Painting.”

Thomas Blanc snaps back, “Weird, weak, woke Howard dares to make fun of Sir Snort A Lot Hunter. I didn’t think you had it in you Perm Head. For Hunter’s birthday, when Jill said blow, he snorted the cake. And if a man is judged by the druggy degenerate son, he enables Howard. Then, how can Biden, AKA, Mr. Groper, AKA, Icky Shuffle, be such a good guy for never instructing Hutner to cut out knocking up strippers and creaming into his dead brother’s wife, seconds after the cremation ensued? But you don’t dare go there Howard because you might get disinvited from more 2 bite chicken parm dinners at Jimmy Kimmel’s house. But you’re the good guy Howard, who’s been tossing and turning since Artie turned his nose into a piece of folded Capicola. But dumping your starter life wife and mother of your 3 children for Beth, who’s a 6.9 by big gummed Tranny standards makes you better than Trump for dumping Marla for Melania, jerkoff.”

A homeless guy yells in Thomas Blanc’s ear, “That payphone hasn’t worked for years man. And I thought I was a schizophrenic who heard more voices than Robin Williams did on bad acid.”

Thomas Blanc eventually hopped on a hobo train to Nashville, Tennessee and hooked up with country star, Tim McGraw after selling him on a crowdsourcing campaign called #WineRacksForWinos, used to lure the rapidly growing homeless population to take an interest in woodworking classes in exchange for some wine rack building tips only to become in demand furniture designers for country rock on royalty on the rise, proving how even middle age trust fund babies from South Africa can survive on their own with a little help from former lushy singers married to real life Barbies come to life like Faith Hill for a living.

Granted, this is no Ballad of Curtis Loew, but Dirt-Poor Duram no longer had to feel like a perpetual dirtbag parasite in life for feasting off his family’s fortune to get by and score his own piece of some Key Lime Pie.  

You learn by doing, and Dirt-Poor Duram learned that doing blow in your forties off a blank check from mommy and daddy was no way to claim superiority of any kind over Trevor Noah, regardless of being Obama in a hoody with a slightly better writers, who insist Obama Be Good did good things like rebranding ISIS ISIL, so they’d sound more startup friendly in the NY Times. That’s an Obama accomplishment for you, Challah. Thank you very much.

Michael Kornbluth

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