Flinch Flight Flicker

Would you pay the cost of cleaning your weed dealer’s carpet if you puked on it? Especially, after he charged you 50 bucks for a 10 pack of edible gummies and proceeded to spray disinfectant on the floor every 2 seconds knowing most of the puke stayed on the carpet in the 1st place.

I gave up on being an alcoholic to prove I didn’t need AA to take up cigar smoking instead. I was already bad at smoking weed with no feel for hit moderation without coughing up a lung in the process, especially from my metal bat made in Wuhan or from one of those new age Vape Pens that get you bong high by the time you’re done pressing down on the pot oil blast off button past 5 Mississippi, which makes me feel like a retarded Brett Favre who gags on dip instead of spitting it on his Gap Jean Jacket. Nobody wants to pass the blunt my way after I moisten the end of it with my blow job ready clown clips like a broke, closeted Dave Chappelle in white face. Personally, I’m into weed edibles now because Stink Free + Ash Free+ Cough Noise Free=Zero Regrets whenever I’m at home with my 3 kids, living out the sheltered bum existence that I do.

Still, in the past, I liked the taste of good weed from Northern Cal that’s not the sprayed dirt kind from the Bronx that tastes like Windex. So, cigars have never offered me any form of sustainable stiffage because I’d rather inhale whole than blow. Plus, cigars take forever to burn, and I don’t have that many deep thoughts to contemplate for 30 minutes at a time while staring at the moon thinking, “There’s no way Jeff Bezos tastes good, Ben Shapiro included.”

Orthodontist says, “Your daughter will need to be fitted for a new retainer.” I say, “Doc, today I just learned how my daughter is already having conversations with her friends about what age they think they’ll have their first kiss. So, I’m very pro muzzle mask on my daughter all of a sudden, despite recording the comedy record Burning Mask Party Record in July, which didn’t catch on like wildfire the way I envisioned. So do whatever you can to keep her mouth numb with Novocain with an implanted drip on demand that I can control through my smartphone doc. Throw Chelsea Clinton’s retainer on my daughter’s face from 92 for all I care. Making fun of Chelsea is sexist, but she’s not even ugly anymore. Plus, I think Chelsea Handler is a divisive twitter twat to, who claims to be a social justice warrior now to downplay her tit’s rapidly sinking popularity. The worst part about this conversation doc was that her other friends were predicting how they’d kiss a boy for the first time at 16, 17, but predicted my daughter would start kissing boy’s at a hard 12, one year before her Bat Mitzvah through Zoom. I shouldn’t freak out too much, if parents insist kids wear gender fluid, puss face Hello Kitty masks for games of Spin The Bottle. Then, I learn how her best friend already kissed a boy in the 1st grade that was hitting on her constantly prior. Where the fuck does this kid get the confidence to make the 1st move on anything at 6 years old? When I was in the 2nd Grade, I could tell that my second-grade teacher Mrs. Pariso was all over my dick when she’d tell me how much I looked like Elvis, but I didn’t do dick about it either doc. I know my DNA is all over my daughter’s face and I tend to oversexualize everything in my pulsating path. Once, my daughter found a bunch of colored index cards including compliments her mama wrote in my honor for Valentine’s Day once, which included winners such as “I love how you kiss Blondie.” Daughter asks, “Whose Blondie?” I say, “The opening act for the Ramones, next question.” Now, I’m longing for the good old days, when my daughter asked, “Daddy, why didn’t the Tooth Fairy hook me up under my pillow? Doesn’t the Tooth Fairy have Waze? I said, “The Rock slept in for a change, alright.”

The Rock selling his own brand of tequila is a poser move don’t you think doc? You’re from Hawaii first of all, which is known for mixed rum drinks last time I checked. Plus, Turtle bankrolled Avion 15 years ago already. Lebron James culturally appropriated the shit out of a wigger like Turtle and started hocking his own line of Tequila last year. And Sammy Haggar’s been slinging his own brand for years. I hear it tastes Van Halen light, Challah. Thank you very much.

Michael Kornbluth