Hitting On Edgy

After my son’s teacher parent conference, I’m convinced his teacher is flirting with me. Or why would she say in the hallway, “Arthur, you didn’t tell me how tall your dad was?” In other words, I’ll take his birds eye view of my push up perched bra anytime. Challah, thank you very much.

Daddy what’s a pervert? Flexing your manhood without permission.

My new turn-on is older woman with silver grey hair. I call them Wisdom Whiskers. Wisdom Whiskers can make you cum like a prize horse from reading your mind like Uri Geller.

“He won’t be anal about ass play if he takes forever to blow his loud after lock jaw love has kicked into overdrive.”

Wisdom Whiskers can bend your dick like Professor X after regaining the use of his legs again in the form of a horny silver haired fox chick, who’s capable of riding your joystick out of its socket if a stiff Storm creeps up, she-he’s ass. Challah, thank you very much.

At Whole Food with my kids, I get wrapped up into staring at a magazine title and say out loud to the grocer worker scanning groceries, “Living Without Inflammation.” Is that magazine article about your avoiding your mother-in-law till your last dying breathing.”

Whole Foods worker laughs long time. United we laugh, I prove it every day, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Later, we’re at the Pizzeria and a woman takes an interest in me being tagged along by my beautiful stream of kids. She says, “All 3 are yours?” I say, “I never mastered the art of the pump fake.”

So-So, MILF laughs long time.

Daughter asks daddy, what does pansexual mean? I said, “Orlando Bloom trying to look semi-quizzical serious in Elf ears.”

Earlier, my youngest yells at his big sister for getting Katy Perry stuck in her head. He complains, “Daddy, I’m going to beat up Tilda for throwing me in Kornbluth Jail. In Kornbluth Jail, I’ve got Katy Perry stuck in my head.” I said, “Next time Katy Perry rings, tell her to suck the hate speech and Russian disinformation out of my new lease on life love blaster, if she’s itching to trigger an early release on top of her money shot freeing beauties. Trump has ties to Russia. Duh, what Mail Order Bride Owner doesn’t it? Challah, thank you very much.

Kids try all the fancy cheese samples at the grocery store. I say, “Manchego was the scene stealer of them all.” Semi-busty, blond, significantly older than me gal standing next to me at the grocery store deli line says, “Manchego is always the scene stealer.” I use my Improv training at UCB and say, “Yes, and I’d rather fuck a sheep giving birth to Manchego cheese than stick it in Madonna’s droopy, kick the can camel toe snatch these days. Did Madonna become Ashley Judd’s spirit animal overnight, or what?”

Challah, thank you very much.

Michael Kornbluth

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