At the supermarket, a kid 2 aisles over sounds like he’s moaning on repeat. I say, “It sounds like MSNBC.” Older Jewish lady in line in front of me laughs long time and adds, “It could be CNN to.” I say, “Just for you, this is an impersonation of Chris Matthews sexually harassing a new chesty intern from Yenta Breath country in Long Island for MSNBC. “Eating out Maddow counts as your lunch break babe. Hack Free Zone here, Challah, Thank you very much.”
Next, I make some more small talk. “Do you fry up your Kosher Salami or eat it by itself? She says, “Sometimes both.” I say, “Then you’ll be interested in my book The Koshertarian Comedians, which is about my commitment to not half-ass-tuchusing-ing my Kosherarian diet like my parents did once Stew Leonard’s moved to town and offered Jumbo shrimp platters under 18 dollars, which was impossible to resist like my brother rushing out to see Apocalypto opening weekend to prove his evolved, Sunday Bacon Jew cred.”
She says, “You better not make fun of your grandmother in it.” I say, “I don’t, but in another book I wrote, Waste Of Height, Really Short Stories, I wrote a story about my grandfather using his rocket scientist background to hack my grandma’s barely edible sponge cake prior in Leap For Murray Crocker, which ends with me proclaiming how the top-secret recipe for this sponge cake was so good, Hitler would’ve called off the Holocaust for it. And I don’t make fun of my grandmother for rushing out the door on a Friday night with my grandpa to inhale more moo shoo pork while leaving my latch key dad home alone again because what’s the point in living in Queens near Manhattan if you’re not going to pay the Chinese to serve you processed Lassy in duck sauce when you get all the stale Fortune Cookies you can eat like, “Netflix Comedy Specials will be the death of comedy in 2022.” “The new normal are CCP siding hack comedians going viral.” “Every hack breath comic today sounds like a punch free Bill Burr.” “Trump bashing is a safe space for zero ball eunuch comics who’d rather making light of persecuted MAGA country Americans than dumb fuck, liberal lightweight intellectuals who willingly poison themselves with the clot shot, especially the older ones, to prove how baby boomer arrogance never dies, east coast elitist hack syndrome, included. While never showcasing a smidgen of balls to admit they voted for Hair Sniffer or think that their pathetic, judge of character matters much anymore” Hack Free Zone, Challah. Thank you very much.