Kosher Meat Rules

New Turn-On: Any woman without a mask on in NY state. I don’t care if she’s a tad on the heavy side either. I smiled at this woman at the grocery store with a nose earing without a mask on and it turned on me immensely. When she smiled back, my loins lit up with resurgent joy, wanting to implant them inside her on the spot to return the favor. Later, I got in her check-out line and was beyond tempted to mount her from behind and bury man meat behind her jiggly bum lobes and say, “You know kosher meat rules? Let me prove it to you. We’re upstanding chosen perfectionists for a reason babe. Now, let’s tear those ass cheeks apart like a fresh piece of challah from Zarro’s.”

Today, surging interest in wanting to contaminate another mask-less woman with my super spreader blaster reached new stiffening heights at the local farm Harvest Moon after picking up some fresh farm eggs this morning as I thought, “I wouldn’t take long to spew into her snuggle shine snatch. I know who I’m thinking about tonight, when I resume round 2 with the wife tonight. Beautiful wet lips, tall statuesque frame, medium plumpage on top, huge beamish smile that could suck the fake news hate speech and misinformation about my stately schlong in a NY Minute. Who cares if I have to wear a condom later? She’s sexy enough to blast a flood filled load with by dry humping her with jeans on.

Morning After Pill Pitch: Hey babe, can you buy some morning after pills that have been amassing dust on Meghan Mccain’s dresser drawer since 85 on Ebay? I released a liberal size load in blondie last night, but nothing crazy, something more on par with the incoming Freshman class of Kenyon college. Still, pick up a morning after pill, because I don’t want my kid’s 1st image being daddy in a mask like a fake news surgeon with laughable SAT scores for a 50 percent Heeb despite taking the SAT untimed no less. By the time I finished by MATH section alone, my friends already declared their majors Sophomore year in college at Washington University. But seriously babe, who wants our 4th kid to give us grief for never aborting her when you had the chance? Daughter says, “Mom, why would you think I’d be cool with wearing a mask from Pre-K through college while every foaming Anti-Semite on campus gets their panties in a bunch for Israel still not being pushover putzy despite the UN still trying to push otherwise? Plus, according to New York State’s extra loose law, you had 9 months to terminate your unplanned parenthood accident otherwise.”

It’s hard to act excited for your friends deciding to have kids now. What’s the best thing for these kids to look forward to besides Alex Jones becoming president of the United States under the new burning mask party in my wildest edible powered dreams? Alex Jones hires Joe Rogan as his VP. Putin invites Rogan to watch him train for the Judo Olympics in Moscow. As Secretary of State, Dana White raises money for Israel’s new Iron Dome system through a pay-per-view event match between Jared Kushner and the prime minister of Canada, Justin Trudeau, winner takes all of Canada, loser has to sniff Bull Hurley’s armpits from Over The Top till their last dying breath, despite that being considered a win for win for Trudeau after all, assuming, Obama gets to watch from Gitmo after former CIA chief, converted Muslim John Brennan gets to sniff his old pair of sandy, prayer sandles from Martha’s Vineyard for breakfast, lunch and dinner.

What do John Stewart, Pete Davidson and Ben Stiller have to feel good about at Knicks games these days? One, gave us Trevor Noah who nobody loves. Comedy Central executives felt the same way when they decided to renew his contract for the foreseeable future. Pete Davidson gets to get lost in Kim Kardashian’s puss 4 pushed out kids later, Kayne West included. I’m not calling Kayne immature, but losing Kayne to Pete Davidson, the boy toy rebound king of Staten Island is a weak look. I wouldn’t say Kayne is bound to suicide like Owen Wilson after Kate Hudson dumped him for Dax Sheppard but he’s not boasting about his billion dollar-designer sneaker empire to Dave Chapelle with the same big pimping, in vogue strut of yesteryear before he started wearing those freakish Mike Myers masks post COVID is all I’m saying B. Also, didn’t Ben Stiller sell his soul to pimp for Governor Cuomo while gushing about his handsome mug despite looking like The Thing and Mama Fratelli from the Goonies had a baby? Don’t act like you wrote Zoolander or Tropic Thunder all by yourself either Stiller. But at least you don’t look as wormy, smarmy as Noah Baumbach and Jessie Eisenberg’s cross-pollinated baby come to life out of Joni Mitchell’s fake news good snatch, releasing more pretentious, self-righteous airs of superiority, blowing in the wind.

Michael Kornbluth