Overachieving Disabled

It’s hard not to think my mother is being passive aggressive by giving gushing praise to Elvis through individual post cards sent to all 3 of her grandchildren while failing to use any of these glowing superlatives in my honor, 121 comedy records later, Greatest One for comedy record 122 coming right up. Granted, I was designated as learning disabled growing up and by the time I finished my untimed SAT, my friends from high school had already declared their biology majors Sophomore year in college.

Elvis was a game changing artist. He was the 1st white man who didn’t sound, look or move like Perry Cuomo.

Elvis was a loving family man in the mold of pubescent plowing kings of yesteryear like Errol Flyn. Personally, I think a family man is a part time Slut in A Straight Jacket versus a fulltime around the clock hound dog around barely budding trim, but that’s just me.

Elvis lived a full life but a short one. Yeah, that much more reason to spend a smidgen of your time tickling your 1st born’s ballsy ass ego over here.

Many people thought your daddy has a resemblance with Elvis. But the similarities end at your daddy rocking a leather jacket.

Elvis was a great original artist. It’s not as if he wrote and performed 121 hours of highly original A plus hilarity from start to finish over the past 13 months alone, but nobody’s perfect. John Lennon wished he was this productive during his stay-at-home dad years.

Elvis became the most famous person in the world. And Chuck Berry was left with his dick in his hands while drilling a hole in his restaurant bathroom with a spy cam on for shits and giggles.

Elvis was a big lover of home and cars almost as much as his family. Unlike you’re sheltered bum Daddy despite claims of going on a triumphant victory lap in his eventual Comedy Gold Mobile Porsche SUV after scoring a book deal from all his future all-time best-selling books and comedy records allegedly. If I could dream with the overachieving disabled, I wouldn’t be the Queen of Passive Aggressiveness.

Overachieving Disabled, Challah.

Thank you very much.

Michael Kornbluth

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