Roasting Royals

There’s no way Prince Harry tried to kill himself. Scruffy Archie hasn’t shaved in years.

Did Oprah give Harry and Markle the idea they could be a power couple like Linda Hamilton and James Cameron minus the major box office muscle?

Did Oprah recommend they read Hillary’s latest and greatest memoir, Eat, Drink, Wheeze?

But seriously, what was the power couple pitch that Oprah made? “William is a dud like Russell Brand after undergoing an ego lobotomy during the remake of Arthur. You’ve served in Afghanistan and have bad boy cred. Your hot right now like E from Entourage after he started banging Sloan in season 3. You 2 want to break free from your Royal Family ties. Now, is the time to do it. Just promise you won’t kiss and tell after you get your freckles mushed off into the Royal carpet after Michelle Obama pegs your royal bum into middle earth China for shits and giggles after a game of Operation Gender Reassignment edition gets out of hand.”

Has Oprah condemned Harvey Weinstein’s wife for finally divorcing that fat pig after 14 years of marriage? So, she could focus more on her lifetime battle with Amnesia.

Imagine Thanksgiving at the Obama’s this year. Malia, you barely touched your Tofurky. So, I let you intern at Miramax one summer. At the time, Miramax looked good on your resume. Besides, Michelle was your chaperone, and that fat Jew couldn’t pin down Michelle if he tried. Just like there’s no way Kristaps Porzingis tried to rape a girl in his apartment building, the day he tore his ACL. As a whole, going strong to hole was never KP’s forte. Plus, would Harvey Weinstein, try to rape Gal Gadot in her half naked Wonder Woman outfit on only one good leg?

At what point, did Markle say to Oprah? “Fuck the Queen, we bring in major tourist’s dollars to Wimbledon. Nobody’s buying tickets to take in Pier’s Morgan’s bloated blotchy mug.”

At any point, does Oprah keep it real and tell the royal pain in the ass to know her role and go woke herself for pretending she’s anything more than Lisa Bonet without the rock star DNA implanted up her lowly rated IMBD ass?

“Look, Meghan, you have a nice rack, but you still look like a wannabe mulatto mean girl in Heathers. Just because you didn’t get blinded by Scruffy Archie’s pubes, you think your entitled to capitalize off the royal name and use your own line of high-end stationary called, Royel Sussex Royal? Why, not come out with your line of handmade cars and call them, Royal Sussex Royce? You unhuggable classless cunt, Princess Diana, you’re not. Elton John isn’t dedicating shit in your honor, despite you being broad shouldered enough to pass for a B -Tranny judge on set of Rupal’s Drag Race to Nottingham Non-Entity Land. Joan Rivers would’ve called you “Princess Cruises for Hitler Youth Gingers on Halloween” on Fashion Police before Kelly Osbourne teamed up with Trans Chucky and ruined the franchise Joan built forever. Sound familiar, freckle cunt? Joan lives, Challah. Thank you very much.

Michael Kornbluth