Root Down Mixes Rule

3 months into our relationship, girlfriend now wife says, “I won’t covert to Judaism.”

I said, “Fine, but if I forget to ask if you’re the pill because I’m stoned again. I want to raise our kids Jewish.”

She says, “Only if we raise them pescatarian”, which includes a vegetarian based diet with fish like crawfish, which is shrimp with more personality.

I said, “Why not? Jesus was the original super Jew, deal. He worked as a freelance fisherman when his carpentry business for giant crosses hadn’t caught on like wildfire yet.”

Now, we rock the Koshertarian Diet at home, and I perform Shabbat prayers by throwing in an occasional, “Can I get a holla for some Challah?”

Granted, my gentile wife can’t fight the urge to inject our house with Christmas forced cheer through tainting our Jewish home during Hanukkah with Oreo Candy Canes, Gnomes and paint your own Gingerbread homes from Michaels. Because Catholic High School girls are more colorful holiday celebrators than their ho hum waspy counterparts.

But you know your wife doesn’t think Jews are the root of all evil if she tricks out the Gingerbread house with a Star of David on top.

I told our kids the Gingerbread House converted.

Daughter asks, “What does converted means?”

I said, “Kicking it Old School Testament style.”

Beastie Boys live, Challah.

Thank you very much.

Michael Kornbluth

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