My son just missed his screen test for kindergarten because I was jailed by Child Services after my son points out a shirt with excitable boy glee at the Danbury Mall and screams, “Rick and Morty, Rick and Morty. Then he adds, “What’s an anus hole probe again Daddy?” I say, “A shrink examining whether you’re a bigger asshole than your father.”
I call his school to reschedule his Kindergarten screen test because my wife already feels bad about forgetting to remind me about the screen test this weekend when she was working as a lactation consultant, giving new mommies breast feeding tips like, “The sooner you get your husband into sucking down regrettable non-fat lattes, the better.”
Gene from school picks up.
“Hi Gene, this is Michael Kornbluth, I was calling to reschedule Samuel’s screen test for kindergarten. He can’t wait to make his presence felt like his big sis and older brother there. So, in other words, your school forecast is more extended, perpetual sunshine.”
Gene laughs long time.
“For what’s it worth. Not only can Samuel spell his name, but he can name the members of all 3 Beastie Boys with real deal New York bred, funkified flourish. “Ad Rock, MCA and Mike Diamond. My name is Mike D, and I got all the flying juice.” Plus, he can count to 10 one armed pushups while chanting, “You suck forever stupid masks.” My dad is an ancient moron, have I told you that yet? And 8 million New Yorkers who wear 8 million masks outside are 8 million morons in a row. Did I pass my screen test for kindergarten yet? When I grow up, I’m going to live in Philadelphia to train like Rocky and little Creed. Daddy thinks, I can knock him out in 2 years. He ain’t poop without me. I know I can ‘t say poop in kindergarten. But daddy keeps force feeding me that line. He’s a comedian. But you’re not laughing, so it stinks more than my old school nappy bin.”
Challah, thank you very much.”