Flipper Bird Baby

On February 12th, Samuel Chosen Curls Was Bound To Woo was born, compared to his grandmother Mimi, who was born on February 13th. This finally offered undeniable, certifiable proof that God wasn’t picking on Do It All Dad’s wife anymore.

            February 12th is also Abe Lincoln’s birthday, which held special significance within the Kornbluth family (especially on the southern side, where Do It All Dad’s mom hailed from) because their great-great-great-great Grandfather Austin Gallagher saved his boyhood friend Abe Lincoln from drowning, which is the greatest presidential save since JFK kept Marilyn warm for Bobby.  

            The worst part about this story is how, after Abe tripped on a log cabin while crossing Knob Creek in a rush to get home on time for Racoon Soup Night, he pressured his dear friend Austin to never tell anyone about saving him from drowning to death because he’d a had a vision while gasping for air within the limestone-laced waters of Kentucky.

            One day, he’d be the man responsible for helping liberate the black man from the chains of slavery, and he wouldn’t be looked upon as a serious saver, knowing he was a worst swimmer than they.

            One time, Do It All Dad held an Astrology-Off among his three kids, after Chosen Curls was born, between his older brother and sister, Art Show USA and Matilda Singing Rose Kornbluth—meaning, they compared famous men and woman born on their birthdays.

            Chosen Curls Was Bound To Woo had Abe on his list, and Arsenio Hall from Coming To America. Matilda’s other younger brother, Art Show USA (otherwise known as Number One Capricorn, born on New Year’s Day), had Mini Me and Paul Revere on his list, and all she had was Peter Sarsgaard, prompting her to blurt out, in progressively pissed off disgust, “I don’t like this Astrology-Off anymore. Nobody I love, like Shakira or Mel Brooks, was born on my birthday.”

            Do It All Dad gave her added unwelcome grief, and said, “Pisces are very competitive.”

            Now, Chosen Curls Was Bound To Woo was stuck in the wrong way within his mama’s womb, with his feet facing down toward his exit hole. Normally, breach babies who are positioned to be yanked out of their mama’s fun box feet first are either flipped by a doctor, to be pushed out headfirst, or excavated from the womb through a stomach-lacerating C section (which most woman would prefer to avoid, because if you’ve seen one Alien movie, you’ve seen enough).

            Chosen Curls was chilling in the womb for nine months in the wrong way with his toes tingling with delight closer to mama’s vagina (which he didn’t mind one bit, knowing he had great-looking, inhalatory baby feet which looked better than most gross, bald baby heads that come out, crying, out of most vaginas not nearly as snuggly as this).          Mama’s womb-housing vagina was so snuggly that Chosen Curls could take endless naps in there, on crystal meth.

            Also, Chosen Curls liked being a wrong-way baby because it would give him bragging rights one day, when he eventually performed his first reverse somersault in the womb knowing that his Do It All Dad was a knock-kneed putz who got penalized in gym class back in the day for toppling over to the side whenever he tried to sit Indian style while sitting out another game of kickball on the sidelines for getting eliminated almost immediately, again.

            At the same time, Chosen Curls didn’t want his mama’s stomach ripped apart because he refused to flip for Mama’s love, out of blatantly premature spite for Mama’s never encouraging his WWE wrestling career soon after, in his pursuit to become the dreamy child offspring of Andre The Giant and Bruce Lee, while being billed as Hardcore Hurting Hunga.  

            Now, it was showtime. Mama was ready to burst, and this birth wasn’t a walk in the park compared to his older brother Art Show USA, who popped out easier than a tin of Altoids in one hour flat.  The nurse encouraged Mama to push, yet Chosen Curls was taking his sweetass time to transform himself into a real deal, choke-free Flipper Baby, after all.

            Then, Chosen Curls heard his Do It All Dad’s booming voice (more so than usual) pierce through Mama’s cervix as he barked, “You can do it, Samuel. If Rodney could do the Triple Lindy in Back To School, then you can flip for Mama’s love, too, knowing she’s remained freakout-free from giving up wine for nine months straight…again, on your behalf. Also, Mama’s vagina is fairly broken in, at this point, two kids later, in addition to my Hebrew Hammer leaving a substantial dent, prior.             “So, let’s get moving before Mama flips you the bird and curses your existence forever for you denying her the beauty of being yanked out into her arms in one semi-seamless motion, versus the Alien stomach-mauling coming out kind of birth.   “Pretty please, with extra booger sugar for Uncle Jon (AKA, Sir Snort A Lot On Top)?”

            As the delivery doctor grabs Samuel’s head from outside Mama’s belly, Chosen Curls performs a seamless reverse baby flip to show his dada that he wasn’t born to be a tense baby like a pubescent Albert Brooks in the making in Defending Your Life, only for him to grow up becoming a perpetually wound-up stress ball on two legs, with decades of fear-plagued tension embedded within his frozen-in-time neck.  

            Do It All Dad spots his son’s head emerge from Mama’s blessed box flush with endless life-enriching charms and cranks up the volume, blaring, “Homestretch, Samuel. One more push, and Made In The Shade will be made in the shade. Now, slide out of Mama’s snuggle snatch hard, Ricky Henderson style.”

            Doc pulls Samuel out, this time, and he emerges into this wildly unpredictable, God-graced, awe-inspiring, beautifying world with a full set of hair.

            This puts Do It All Dad at ease, knowing that bald babies with indentations on their heads are gross, and look like Nurse Jackie dropped them on top of an anvil one too many times after getting the shakes because she’s out of methadone again.

            The nurse hands Chosen Curls to his dear Dada to hold tightly to his heart, and with his back turned towards Mama, he starts bonding with his lucky number three child, saying, “Your big sister, Singing Rose, recognized my voice out of the womb, too. I’ve been in love with you since you were a blip of an alien baby on Mama’s ultrasound report. Your brother and sister are the coolest. They’re going to love you so good.”

            Eventually, Mama interjects and says, “You weren’t housing Samuel for the past nine months. I was. So, stop boxing me out from my baby and turn around, so I can see the face of my beautiful baby, already.”

             Do It All Dad turns around and says, “You handled that well, babe. I got carried away, hearing my own voice again. At least for now, we know it has a calming influence; unlike a ten-year marriage, which is bound to unleash anybody’s flip-out side.”

Michael Kornbluth

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