Gimmel Be Good

            Michael The Greek Kornbluth’s only vice was betting on the Greek Chariot Racehorses. He’d study the Greek Chariot Racehorses forums, detailing past racing performances and odds with divine-powered zeal on par with his Torah study because one day, with his winnings, he wanted to become the head financer behind restoring the great First Temple destroyed by the Romans, because following in his father’s footsteps selling quicksand maps and Hebrew alphabet blocks wasn’t going to get the job done.

            One day, the Hellenization of Israel got ugly fast. Now, there was a new Greek ruler in charge who claims to be a descendant of Arie’s Anti-Semite brother, who had a worse credit rating with Jewish money lenders than Alexander’s great trust fund baby with Cleopatra, Lenny Kravitz Junior.

            No Jewish lender in Israel wanted to show any royal respectful love his way because he’d already blown through his fortune on the loser Chariot Horseraces and on a wind-powered hashish farm in Damascus, resting on top of a pile of quicksand.

            The new Greek ruler of Israel now, Pontificutus The Putz, was in charge. A new hotshot Rabbi, Rabbi Mason, moonlighting as standup comedian on the rise, came up with the nickname, and it stuck like the fake news rumor of Jews heckling the Romans into crucifying Jesus despite Twitter not being existence yet.  

            Now, with Pontificutus The Putz in charge, any Jew caught studying the Torah at home was sentenced to death. But first, those Jews would be forced to eat ham and cheese sandwiches for twenty days in a row, washed down with rotten camel’s milk, ’till they puked up their innards, establishing the roots of Greek hazing that would be used at the American Greek university level centuries later.

            Circumcision was now banned, despite Alexander the Great never being into the Greeks at the spa and sporting the inch worm hiding its head in its holster look.

            But Michael The Geek Kornbluth loved to study his Torah because he knew it made God happy and he loved to grow closer to God every day, yeah, yeah.

            What’s a poor white Jewish boy, who can do long division equations with eight zeros in his head like a young Donald Trump without any startup investment money growing on olive trees in his favor, to do?

            Michael had to come up with a diversionary tactic; a new gambling game to play at home to divert attention from his cherished Torah studies, but knowing his stellar reputation as betting advisor to top Greek senators around, coming up with a new gambling game for kids to shift focus away from their forbidden Torah studies wasn’t enough.

            So why was Pontificutus the Putz such a Jew-hater, again? Because he was a slower runner than they? Because he was bankrupting his kingdom from all his non-stop gambling losses on Chariot Racehorses and loser bets on the Gladiators versus gangs of rock-throwing Palestians from the neighboring Syrian Slingshot League. He was never confused with being a professional gambler great like future great Arnold the Brain Rothstein.

            Pontificutus the Putz also got herpes from a half-Jewish prostitute, just like Hitler did before his herpes sores inflamed his desire to annihilate all of Europe when he was on crystal meth. Also similar to Hitler, Pontififcutus the Putz, had artistic ambitions. He even applied to art school in Athens, but he got rejected because his sculpture creations were crude (like the Swastika symbol, for instance. I don’t care that it was a Photoshopped Hindu symbol. The Swastika still looks like two stick figures doing a sixty-nine on crystal meth.)

            Still, Pontificutus the Putz, bulldozed his way to the top and became a ruthless ruler of the Greek army. Not bad, for a guy who can pass for a little Greek landlord Astoria in Queens, NY any day of the week.

            What made Pontificutus the Putz such a killer warrior-turned-general was his colorblind condition, so all he saw in life was black and white death. Plus, the herpes always seemed to flare up before every major war against the Turks. He’d pierce with a spear as easy as an inserting a skewer into a fresh-out-of-the womb piece of lamb shawarma. 

            So, how does a nice Jewish boy from Tel Aviv earn the nickname Michael The Greek Kornbluth? Well, he was genius at picking the Chariot Horseraces, making fortunes for all Greek senators who would ask him for race advice in exchange for wine and challah for his hapless Dad, Joshua Kornbluth, who was known as the Willy Loman of quicksand maps and alphabet blocks.        Michael’s father Joshua would get too wrapped up in telling Gentiles Versus Jews jokes, to be taken seriously by even Jewish customers.          He’d say, “What’s the difference between Jews and Greeks? Jews are in no rush to pledge their allegiance to the God of loud rain. It’s too soon for Zeus jokes. I don’t know why I waste my breath.” 

            Today was different, because the Super Bowl of Chariot Racehorses was happening, and Pontificus The Putz needed a winner, or else his army would take him out Marc Anthony style for backing such a perpetual loser after all these years, regardless if he was related to Arie’s anti-Semite brother or not. 

            Pontificus the Putz enters Joshua’s humble hut abode (which made young Luke Skywalker’s adopted home on Tatooine look like Trump Tower).      Michael The Greek Kornbluth hides his Torah underneath his pillow and replaces it with some alphabet blocks his father carved himself (but with Greek letters on it instead of Hebrew ones).             Michael spins the dreidel. Potififcus blurts, “What are you playing with, there, Michael? Is your dad selling Hebrew Alphabet blocks that spin, now? You do realize that’s not Kosher anymore, kid?”

            Then Pontificus picks up the dreidel and says, “Oh, the letters are Greek.”

            Michael replies, “With you in charge, everything is Greek to me. I tan nude at the beach like I’m a Greek senator on holiday at the Red Sea.”

            “Alright, enough small talk, Michael. I’m a sure bet for the Chariot Race this Saturday,” Pontificus the Putz says.

            “Have I got a horse for you Pontificus. He’s named Gimmel Ge Good. You haven’t heard of him yet because he’s a black horse from a Kibbutz in the Golan Heights. They say he’s faster than Hermes with a horny Medusa on his tail. He’s a 15-1 long shot. Let it ride.”

            Gimmel Be Good did good and won the race. And Michael the Greek Kornbluth was able to resume his Torah studies without any interruption again. His father Joshua was granted a performance space to do a one-man play, Greeks Versus Jews, which received much nonstop praise. Plato’s grandson called the one-man act, “Socrates-smart, flush with big time, funny man Jewish heart.”

            More importantly, Michael The Greek the Kornbluth later changed the lettering on the dreidel to Hebrew lettering, knowing that Greeks were on the lookout for Bibles whenever they raided Jewish homes, and had a harder time recognizing mythological bullshit than basic Hebrew lettering, for that matter.

            And pretty soon the Maccabees had enough of submitting to the Greek way of life, and reclaimed Israel as their Jewish homeland again.

            Michael The Greek Kornbluth wasn’t able to parlay his billion-dollar betting brain and help finance the restoration of the great Temple of King David. But, more importantly, he was able to help preserve the roof over his head that he shared with God and his dear Aba Joshua; which was that much more important, since their mom had died from childbirth along with his newborn brother, whom he never got to study the Torah with.

            At least now, every night, dear Abba (Hebrew for ‘father’) could study the glorious reflection of the Allmighty in his son’s (Michael’s), worry line-free face, and give thanks and praises the most high, for giving to him the divine gift of fatherhood, which made dear Abba feel more blessed than the rest. 

Michael Kornbluth