April 3, 2023
Dear Eric Smith,
I can’t pull off the hats you do. And in 2008, my girlfriend, now wife, agreed for us to dress like the couple from Juno for Halloween, which prompted me to write Juno Does Williamsburg before my stab at writing the funniest softcore porn parody, lampooning the hipster acceleration of Williamsburg after the movie released. So I’ve never relied on predictive analytics to know what will be the next big thing like Williamsburg 15 years ago or when I told my dad 18 years ago to invest in Google when it made its initial public offering priced at 85 dollars a share. That’s why I predict with rock solid authority that you’re the right man to help get Waste Of Height, Really Short Stories the publishing glory it deserves, which will make my Do It All Dad Year come true.
Waste Of Height, Really Short Stories, my debut funny man flash fiction collection is unique because it’s loaded with heart while treating every other line like a punchline sprint from start to finish; the total word count is 74,959 words. The only comparable book is Horse Feathers by Woody Allen, or the one BJ Novak did that has some horseshit title that I don’t want to Google anymore. The point is, you’re the perfect audience for my book because it’s a fantastic discovery like the Doors in college for me, except I spin endless sheets of comedy gold while maximizing the most out of my half-heeb crazy, funny Jew bone in the process.
United We Laugh; I prove it every day. The three sections of Waste Of Height are Do It All Dad Time, Sloppy Second Stories, and Do It All Dad Does Kid Stories, which are mini star vehicles for my children that aren’t pedo-friendly tales about sexually confused Hipster spawn reared on Lou Reed records, profiled in Groomers Are Us Magazine either. Although Waste Of Height does include flash fiction tales that unmask my queer learnings in Slut In A Straight Jacket and in Greatest Story Never Told, for starters.
Controlling our kids with comedy can make them great again; my three fuss-free kids, 99 percent of the time, are living proof of it. Per your instructions, I’ve included a 10-page sample for your review. Thanks for your lit agent consideration and for making publishing dreams come true.