Headhunter Writer Knows  

Headhunter Writer knows Frank Zappa would rather play Byrd’s cover songs than engage in comment section banter any longer than I have already on LinkedIn.

Headhunter Writer knows your job ads suck without me writing them for you.

Headhunter Writer knows top LinkedIn Voices are allowed to use the word suck on LinkedIn, which prevents them from being utterly edgeless in Marc Cuban’s eyes.

Headhunter Writer knows Miles Davis would rather face a firing squad than be caught dead in the comment section on LinkedIn.

Headhunter Writer knows that excellent sales writing showcases a special touch.

That became highly developed through obsessive pitch practice while blowing off the Knicks for three seasons in a row while not sweating the prospect of missing all that much.

Headhunter Writer knows desperation is the kiss of death.

So he’ll pull the takeaway on the candidate if they start acting bitchy, entitled, and unappreciative like the rock star girlfriend in the Kiss song Beth.

Headhunter Writer knows heads of application development get triggered with feelings of instantaneous inferiority after hearing me leave a VM about a Full Stack Engineer I’m representing who played Carnegie Hall as a classically trained violinist.

I say, “Miles Davis, Frank Zappa, and Lenny Bruce share what in common? They all played Carnegie Hall. So did your next software engineer hire, let’s call him, Developer Prodigy, who played Carnegie Hall? What have you done with your life? 

Headhunter Writer knows that voicemail was longwinded by Frank Zappa’s crowd work standards. 

Headhunter Writer knows that if you want to out hipster Williamsburg, you name your next kid, not Bowie or Hudson but Zappa Zevon Kornbluth or Joan Of Arc Kornbluth if it’s a girl or Edward Snowden Kornbluth if I want the FBI to charge me with the Espionage Act by aiding and encouraging the hacker hero enemy. 

Headhunter Writer knows sales trainers who get paid to conduct sales seminars about push versus pull selling methods are straining for weighty thinker respectability. 

Headhunter Writer knows sales jobs only work if you’re doing it to achieve accumulation goals like a power blue Canali suit you just set your sights on at Nordstrom, which inspires the new age expression, greedy for pretty is good. Gordon Gecko, with a gender-fluid twist, lives Challah. Thank you very much. 

Headhunter Writer knows U2 is Irish cheesy. Van Morrison isn’t, House of Pain wasn’t, and Dennis Leary never was. 

Headhunter Writer knows Charles Bukowski would think Sales Trainers through Zoom make the Post Office seem like an attractive alternative.

Headhunter Writer knows he’s louder than Busta Rhymes at a midnight showing of Higher Learning. 

Headhunter Writer knows that anyone who uses the word crushing is blah breath lame. 

Headhunter Writer knows that HR or Talent Acquisition Managers don’t have a writer’s ego. That’s why their job descriptions blow. 

Headhunter Writer knows that he gets paid by being more aggressively houndish than the rest. 

Headhunter Writer knows it’s best to block out the sound of a dumpy accountant who gets her panties in a bunch whenever a giant dick in the office flexes his chest. 

Headhunter Writer knows a deal from the sound of a candidate over the phone. 

Either they care about impressing you, or their opportunity has flown.  

Headhunter Writer knows posts on LinkedIn about Personal growth are Fortune Cookie light. 

Headhunter Writer knows you either commit to improving or regress into an ineffectual, interchangeable player. 

Headhunter Writer knows that candidates respect creative expression. 

Or else they’re not getting back with exultations such as, “That’s the best job description ever written.” 

Headhunter Writers knows that his 9-year son already knows JavaScript. 

So don’t expect him to feel inferior in your presence ever again. 

Take a hike to a safe space retreat Zen. 

Headhunter Writer knows different sometimes sells. 

Does Developer Prodigy Who Played Carnegie Hall still ring a bell? 

Headhunter Writer knows he’s wasting his breath. 

Because waiving his freak flag on LinkedIn equals sporting a suicide bomber vest. 

Headhunter Writer knows that writing a killer job ad pitch is one part of the job. 

The rest is getting the right candidate to read it, which helps root out those touchy-feely, fake news high-brow snobs. 

Headhunter Writer knows a recession is here but also knows most companies are trimming the fat during his year without beer. 

Headhunter Writer knows that Michael Burns is the greatest recruiter who ever lived. 

He could sell 100 Grand Bars to a person with diabetes with only two weeks to live. 

Headhunter Writer knows cold calling, not writing, has made him the killer attack beast he is today. But in the end, what you sell gets the final say. 

Headhunter Writer knows that his personality-loaded prose never tires.

Headhunter Writer knows his hooky prose and killer attack instinct will lure your next great hire. 

Your Favorite Headhunter Writer, 

Joshua Kornbluth