Last Shabbat Shalom Ramble Not

I text my wife a pic of stuffed animals leaning on each other, looking depressed since they became separated from our three snuggle-shine children. The wife texts back, “They look sad.” I reply, “I agree, #StuffedSpiritAnimalsfeelingemptyinside.”

Shabbat Shalom Shalom Ramble, live from Hotel Dylan, Woodstock, NY, just got a far less fucking sleepy stale, Half Heeb, Heeb Hick blood lives, mom hails from Kentucky, Dad from the Bronx, it beats being outside of Minnesota, no offense, Bob Dylan, but your neither a southerner, Brian Wilson or a whiny, Long Island windbag like Lou Reed, so it looks like you hit the mother load being born out of Minnesota after all. Star Of The North lives, that being the state motto for Minnesota, but Bob Dylan represents that phrasing quite well. Blood on the Tracks never felt so good. Bob Dylan wows on, Challah. Thank you very much.

Only in Woodstock, NY, would I see a book on a window display about Lou Reed learning Ti-Chee.

It didn’t make him less defensive after Lester Bangs called his trans girlfriend a dog and Warhol show.

Perfect day, with pits like that, my balls.

Shabbat Shalom Ramble, coming to you live from the Dylan Hotel, Woodstock, NY, in the motherfucking house, Challah. Shabbat Shalom Ramble, 12, what, only Led Zepplin can name their recorded masterpieces? More Sheets Of Comedy Gold Ramble On, Golden God lives, Shabbat Shalom Ramble, Challah. Thank you very much.

A new reason to stay sober for a whole year is what?
Dream big again and finish with a winning season with a screenplay and star vehicle for yourself where you become the new king of sober media on the silver screen and in real life in Gum King Of New York, Challah. Thank you very much. And your first interview is with Daryl Strawberry on your Shabbat Shalom Ramble Podcast. So Darryl, do you think Rob Lowe looking better ever since giving up drinking the sauce 30 years ago is a case of annoying white privilege? You don’t look half the man you used to be like Gooden, but you’re not slipping into speedos at the yacht club off the coast of Montecito county as readily as Rob Lowe does o the cover of Middle Aged Yacht beat is all I’m saying.

Outside my hotel at the Hotel Dylan is a putting green. I notice this older black guy admires it. I say, “Do they have putters?” He says, “They’re locked up.” I reply, “I’m sure the putting green isn’t here for the visuals alone.” Acid rock humor rules, Shabbat Shalom Ramble rocks, on Challah. Thank you very much.

What’s excellent about vacations is that you no longer feel chained to predictable misery.

Am I an asshole for calling a father a bullshit artist for claiming he didn’t buy real estate in downtown Manhattan after 9/11 because he didn’t want to be a profiteer of death?
Sure, he’d discourage me pursing an internship with Haliburton if it could’ve guaranteed me a six-figure job out of a division 3, pricy private school for spoiled potheads.

Sure, pops, you would’ve bought a loft next to Ed Burns in Tribeca if the price was right.

And Bernie Madoff suffered from night screams when he got away with it.

Without 9/11, W doesn’t provide the alley-oop dunk for fake news choke, AKA. Obama Be Good who continually tries to ruin our country by endorsing more thug lives matters most bullshit.

Now, in NYC, you’re more likely to get jumped than hook up with a girl at a bar in the Upper East Side without swiping her over to your pre-approved dick pic first. Sanctuary City blues, Shabbat Shalom Ramble, Challah. Thank you very much.

Fit at any age; tell that to Matthew Perry.
He gave up drinking.
And still, his boyish charm went out the window faster than Lenny Dykstra wearing a MAGA hat on the Bill Simmons Podcast.

Wi-Fi password options for Hotel Dylan in Woodstock:

Baez Breaks Wind

Here Jimi’s Lady Coming

A Little Help From Mary Jane’s Less Seedy Friends

Dylan Towers

Levon Helm Winning post-Robbie Robertson, prematurely ending the Band without casting a band vote 1st.

Fascist Favoring Pricks Named Robbie Roberston Who Killed Rick Danko By Forcing Him To Tour And Do More Heroin Than Usual Because He Didn’t Have the Luxury Of Writing Film Scores For Marty after losing out anymore Band touring money after the Last Waltz.

Rick Danko lives; he was a member of the big three from the Big Pink: Levon Helm, Robbie Robertson, and Levon Helm in the Band. He played the mandolin, bass, and a mean game of pool in the Last Waltz and sang like an angel on songs he wrote like Stage Freight; It Makes No Difference and the Twighlight on the Last Waltz, their last show ever at the Winterland in San Fran. While also managing to sound like a complete road warrior-wise badass in The Shape I’m In.
Challah. Thank you very much.

Outside of The Hotel Dylan in Woodstock, NY, I’m at the Fire Pit.
An older, well-to-do-looking hippie dude says, “How are you?”
I say, “Whistling Dixie, they put me in the new Levon Helm room, which is very fitting because tonight, I’m recording my 1st Shabbat Shalom Ramble on location near Levon Helm’s log cabin studio, home of the original Midnight Ramble. Tonight, we deliver another killer set masterpiece. Shabbat Shalom Ramble 12, live in Woodstock, Levon lives, Challah. Thank you very much.”

Older looking hippie dude laughs long time.

Imagine Ziggy Marley getting interviewed by High Times Magazine today. Ziggy, how did your father, Bob, have seven kids? Doesn’t Ganja make you impotent like Agent Orange?
Ziggy Marley says, “Fake news, man.” I’d like to see that Oliver Stone documentary, though. He’d call it Natural Born Rastas, Challah. Thank you very much.

I’m at a wine shop in Woodstock and say, “Which one has more concentrated intensity the Petite Sirah or the Zinfandel? Think Bill Hicks next to Howie Mandell.
However, Howie Mandell had his moments, and the older-than-dirt hippie wine shop owners laugh for a long time.

The most depressing image is an older-than-dirt hippie checking her mail with three masks on three years after this COVID craziness began.

I know acid causes deadhead to the point of return, but this is getting ridiculous.

Whatever happened, the hippie creed fuck LBJ, and anything the government has to say, especially after bombing Cambodia to save face. What are these older-than-dirt hippies freaking out about it?
You’d think they’d already built a tolerance from their homegrown patch of pot cookies, that offer less aggressive peaks than David Crosby’s pot brownie recipe on Pinterest next to Cuomo’s recipe, for Gender Fluid Pink Ziti.

Just once, I’d like to hear a hippie in Woodstock that runs a vegan meatball food truck say, “Fuck weed pens, do I look like a beta hippie version of Tron. I’m still smoking weed from a metal cigarette bat made in Wuhan since Bob Dylan released Maggi’s Farm on Bringing It All Back; home, and my lungs feel great. What, I got Natural Born Dragon Lungs. Shabbat Shalom Ramble Does Woodstock, Challah. Thank you very much.

I ordered a mock cocktail in Woodstock and regretted it immediately.
I say to the bartender.

“This Mocktail isn’t making me feel better about myself. It’s too Limey for my tastes.
If I want more Limey in my life, I’d be in Delaware right now, with my English in-laws, kids, and wife, only to get my knickers in a bunch on more Zelensky Mandella talk by Bono on the BBC. Zelensky is the modern day Mandella. Sure, and Jimi Hendrix would take scarf advice from Dr. Deborah Birx under house arrest in Electric Lady Studios during COVID mania gone wild.

I’m getting pissed at this Zinfandel. It’s taking forever to open up like Rambo in the process of getting waterboarded by Dick Cheney.

My grandfather died at 48 and was VP of his Temple, medic in the War, and Bronze Star winner; Obama became President at 47.

So I don’t have any choice left; I must become the Gum King of New York at 47. Or at least have a screenplay to give the Golden Jew, Adam Sandler, sustained stiffage with. He’s the last king maker left in Hollywood that I still give a shit about impressing, Kenny McBride, Oliver Stone, David Mamet, and Kevin Smith, 20 years agoincluded, Half Heeb Crazy Lives, Challah. Shabbat Shalom Ramble, Good Shabbos, Kayne excluded.

Last Shabbat Shalom Ramble, not. Challah.

Thank you very much.

Michael Kornbluth