Samuel The Prophet

With all that relief money in the world, you’d Zelensky could spring for a new shirt. Now I know why they call them Army Fatigues. 

What is Louie guilty of besides failure of imagination? 

Especially on his shirts sold during his Apology Tour, which said nothing but “Sorry” on them.                                                                                                                                           

I wouldn’t beat around the bush and be more offensively apologetic with my T-Shirt design ideas. 

I’d unload with something that sticks to the ribs like “Sticky Life,” “Got Wipes,” “Hornier Around Hacks,” “Get A Grip You No Name Bitch” or “Coming In A Green Room Near You Minneapolis.” The Muslim call to prayer on state-of-the-art Bose speakers in the Town Square always gets me in the mood before another killer set. 

Lazy Man Sex Lives, Challah. 

Thank you very much.

Charlie Day from Always Sunny talks about his old NYC apartment during his Today Show interview. 

At least he had an apartment in Manhattan. 

Who paid his deposit and 1st month’s rent?

Did the Gang Go to Plumbing School? 

Hey D, you wear the damn mask. But suck the hate speech out of my super soaker 1st.

Pretend Obama ordered you to leak it. 

Has the Always Sunny crew done the episode, The Gang Goes Election Fraud, yet?

Or did lawyers representing Dominion issues a gag order on that pitch after they scrubbed their profiles clean after the stolen election on LinkedIn? 

Have they done an episode called The Gang Get’s Vaccinated yet? 

And get Andrew Cuomo to play the fake news mayor of Philly when Chris Rock was pimping the vaccine that gives you blood clots on TV; that worked less than Russell Westbrook running the Triangle Offense. 

Remember when Cuomo was considered a fawned-over sex symbol who pushed his clot shots harder than his gender-fluid pink ziti recipes on Pinterest? 

Despite Cuomo looking like the Thing and Mama Fratelli had a baby. 

Cuomo getting paid to write a book on leadership is like Hitler writing a book on Anger Management, Woody Allen writing a book on hands-off parenting, or Kevin Durant getting picked to a Ted Talk on how to block out the sound of Cyberbullying.

I don’t know what’s weirder. 

My Dad asking me how work was going on my Birthday, when deep down, he knows I just got fired. 

Or my mom, playing hot potato with her smartphone with my dad before he finally got on the phone to pseudo-sing me Happy Birthday. 

It was a stutter step move because he started singing solo, but you can tell his heart wasn’t in it. 

He mustered to belt out a raspy, gutted, Happy Birthhole Day, in a half-hearted manner. 

For comedic purposes, I remained silent after he barely got out Happy Birthole Day, which shook him out of his comfort zone, which was already nonexistent. 

My Dad suddenly has a mini-heart attack on the spot after realizing he isn’t equipped with the voice or drive to sing me Happy Birthday in full without my mother chiming in to lead the way. 

Dad says in an incredibly awkward, stilted way, “I was singing you Happy Birthday.” 

I reply. 

I heard Dad. 

I remained quiet to see if you’d commit to singing multiple choruses in a row. 

But don’t worry; I wasn’t holding my breath. 

Since you wrote me off in your heart for supporting Trump on my Podcast for free before he let the Dominion Machines kill Democracy under his Operation Death Speed plugging watch.

Comedians hate it when common folk disrespect laugh yanker giants. 

For example, I’m in the Post Office and ask if that Stamp on display was of Redd Foxx. 

The Post Office Worker laughed off my inquiry with huffy, patronizing disgust. 

So, I fire back with, “He used to sell weed with Malcolm X. He opened his comedy club in Hollywood as Rodney Dangerfield did on the Upper East Side, close to Scores. 

I’m saying that without Redd Foxx, Eddie Murphy isn’t banging out 12 kids without batting an eye after getting paid 20 million for the Vampire of Brooklyn. 

I bumped into my younger brother’s ex-girlfriend, whom he’s banging again but chose to pass on initiating a conversation. 

What was going to be my icebreaker? 

Banging you when I had the chance would’ve been gross because that would be like getting HPV from my brother. 

So, how do you feel about your brother logging more face time with your one kid versus my 3? 

You should’ve seen how my mom’s face lit up when she showed me a pic of your kids on her smartphone. 

You’d think Biden, AKA Hair Plugs Sniffer, beat Trump and Cancer on the same day without having to nuke Sloan Kettering Chemo Ward for refusing to sell their radiation reserves to Ukraine to keep Putin on his toes. 

Stephen A Smith doesn’t like to be challenged by Jewish New Yorkers who are more intelligent than him. 

Or else he’d still be doing 1st take with Max Kellerman. 

Who’s more inclined than Skip Bayless to call out bullshit. The next time another pro Athlete like Deshaun Jackson goes on record about educating themselves on Hitler. 

Who’s more included in calling out bullshit? The next major black entertainer, like Kayne or Kyrie Irving, plays the Black Israelite card to deflect charges of anti-Semitism. 

You can’t be anti-Semitic if you’re a Black Israelite. 

Yeah, and I’m sure your DNA shows up on King David’s ancestry.com, Shaka Zulu. 

Always trust your instincts. 

I wrote in my notebook, avoid wife on your Birthday. 

But what I do, is share my beers with her when I’ve denied myself all year during my year without beer. 

I got 47 handpicked to represent my circle of life for my birthday bash occasion. 

Only to blow off my plan to play hooky with my son and have lunch at the Oyster Bar in Manhattan. 

Later that day, my son quoted the movie Copland and said, “Daddy, I gave you a chance, and you blew it.” 

At the same time, a moment like this lessens the sting of regret. 

I hate New York more than ever since ANTIFA and BLM were deemed righteous upholders of law and order. 

Yeah, and Turbo Tax is culturally biased software. 

And ANTIFA aren’t a bunch of Punisher Vigilante wannabes who never outgrew their pyro phase. 

Diversity is our strength. 

Is that why those crazy white boy meth heads in ANTIFA require Tommy John Surgery every time they hurl a concrete milkshake at a gay Vietnamese journalist with a byline with the National Review? 

If Miles Davis’s lonesome trumpet voice sounds like a floating ice burg, then Joe Biden whispering to a girl scout, “Suck my tongue, before the Dalia Lama asks you do it assuming we pump you full of puberty blockers and get you a hair cut at Short Cuts, then his voice sounds like a snoozy poltergeist. 

The morning before, I get fired from my IT Headhunter job,

My son says, “Keep your sleeves rolled up so you get fired and find a job that pays you more money.” 

Samuel the Prophet was correct in his vision. 

I got fired later that morning. 

On my way out, I said, “Trump won, and I’m clot-shot free. At least my heart isn’t a ticking time bomb waiting to happen.” 

Samuel the Prophet lives, Challah.

Thank you very much. 

Michael Kornbluth