Why can’t you criticize Billy Crystal without being deemed a bad Jew?
Just because he plays a curmudgeonly asshole comedian in Mr. Saturday Night?
Despite Jewish law prohibiting you from working during the Sabbath during your ordained day of rest?
If you want to get rid of your kids, start reading The Webster All-In-One Dictionary and Thesaurus 15 minutes before their school bus arrives.
Suddenly, I felt like Moses parting the Red Sea.
You want to make the earth move.
Start reading your kids, The Webster All In One Dictionary and Thesaurus.
My kids sprinted for the door like a bat made in Wuhan with Racoon rape rabies was on their tail.
They parted with their Nintendo Switches faster than Juno sliced off her tits.
One night, my youngest son asks, “Daddy, who’s Moses? I say, “A stuttering Jew who came through.”
Another night, my wife said, “The Bible is meant to be interpreted as Metaphorical.” I say, “Then, why are you being anal about ass play again?”
I devised a new tradition for Hannukah to instill Jewish pride among my kids called Hannukah Hat-Trick.
When you get 3 gifts for one night of Channukah, it doesn’t matter if they’re all big Kahuna gifts; you yell, “Hannukah Hat-Trick, Challah. Thank you very much.”
My wife expressed concern about my new tradition because I’m still so broke my Hebrew name is under Judicial Review.
My wife says, “Don’t get crazy with the gifts this year.” I say, “Whatever, Gentile Grinch.”
Losing passions, Challah. Thank you very much.
One year for Christmas, my in-laws got my daughter a toy chest with no toys in it.
I told my daughter.
Don’t worry, Matilda.
We have eight thousand Hannukah gifts to fill it up with.
But Billy Crystal doesn’t think Hannukah is a sexy holiday.
What’s sexy about Christmas, Billy?
Doesn’t it celebrate a virgin birth through immaculate conception?
The only thing getting fisted over Christmas is a breast-heavy Turkey.
We’re sexualizing religious holidays now.
Look, I lived in West Hollywood for three years.
Plus, I did a comedy record called Funny Enough Fagala, which means ass on fire in Yiddish.
But I’m not fretting about the absence of sexy in Hannukah like I did when living in Park Slope.
Which famed writer Norman Mailer once called “The most secure place on earth for pampered Jewish pussies to live.”
Hannukah isn’t sexy, Billy.
Unless I got enough gunk left to pump on Gina Gershon’s tits after eight miraculous hump-heavy nights, I agree, Billy.
But I’m not bending over backward to dump my Jewish identity for a Christmas Tree to feel less overtly Jewy pushy annoying around Gentiles during the holiday season.
Besides, when Gentiles see a Christmas Tree, they see a Christmas Tree.
When Jews see a Christmas Tree, they see a Camouflaged Cross.
Growing up, my dad said, “Son, Jews don’t buy Christmas Trees. Unless the plan is to convert it into a Treehouse and flip it for a profit.”
I just learned that Moses sought God’s advice after his daily power hike at the top of Mount Sinai, only for God to whip out his ten commandments on the spot. And demand, “Complain about getting Carpel Tunnel while transcribing these commandments into stone despite you being a little rusty on Hebrew. And I’ll hire your assistant Joshua to finish you off and the job for you, Kapeesh.”
That must have been a shocker.
Moses wanted advice on marrying outside the tribe without being condemned as a polytheistic whore.
Are you going to tell me Moses never developed a surging stiffy at the sight of Prince Hakeem’s bathers in ancient Babylonian Times 6 degrees separated from Cleopatra’s burning bush?
After Alexander bursts through his lamb skin condoms giving her every STD in the book, including Homio Erectus of The Pelvis Bone.
Self-hating Jews, half-Heeb crazy or not, who bend over backwards to adopt Christmas Traditions to fit in, are gay.
That’s like changing your Alexa voice from the dronish, deeper baritone monotone of Scarlett Johanson’s voice between estrogen throat blocker treatments in exchange for Julie Andrews.
In Billy Crystal’s Autobiography, “Jewish Yuck,” he also says, “There is a reason Norman Rockwell never painted a Jewish family dinner.” Because nobody could ever sit still from complaining with their arms too much. Or was it because Aunt Hilda’s armpit stains after working the double at Ratner’s were too off-putting for William Randolph Hearst’s readers? There is a reason Norman Rockwell never painted a Jewish family dinner. Maybe, because he’d never be fucking invited.
Didn’t Norman Rockwell paint pictures of roasting Yamaka’s over an open fire on Easter to add color to his dry-as-toast company chatter?
Good ham this year Julie. You showed those Lubavitch Jews what they’re missing for sticking with God’s old-school commandments over our do-over book, according to John the Baptist. Who’s John the Baptist again? And did he start housing pulled pork sandwiches once his boy Jesus declared all pork products Kosher? I wonder what lead Jesus to give his dad the giant the f you rebuke on that law. Did his friends goad him into doing it? Jesus, how much fucking Falafel can one man eat without turning into a moderate Muslim homemaker, assuming you go easy on the chili paste. Those pomegranate molasses Koshertarian Wings are a bit fruity-forward for my tastes. And I don’t want to give our less tolerant Muslim neighbors any freaky Fagala ideas. Jesus says, “But Muslims don’t eat pork, Joseph.”
Joseph says, “Yeah, but that’s just because Islam is culturally appropriating the shit out of Judaism. I’m supposed to believe their great Muhammad, their Islamic Moses, ascended to Heaven on a winged donkey from Mount Sinai only after Muhamad made Jihad, child sex trafficking, and rape Kosher in Allah’s gangster paradise.
But I’m supposed to believe Jesus, who was celebrating Passover during his Last Supper, decided to break free from dietary Kosher restrictions out of the blue, all of a sudden, just because the Romans opened up a Stromboli stand in the old city to test the faith of those true believers who later got tortured to death during the Inquisition for refusing to partake in Tapas served with acorn-fed prosciutto. The Spanish Jewish Prisoner moans, “How much per pound? Way too pricy; Kosher Salami poached in Christian baby blood is my cup of tea. Jews aren’t known for being real heavy drinkers, either. Who has room for heavy Spanish Reds after another spirit cooking dinner at Hillary’s palace? Hillary Hammer Time Cankles strikes biblical lore with relentless precision.
Losing passions, Challah. Thank you very much.
How do I feel about joining a Jewish Synagogue today?
Lukewarm, only to learn that an orthodox Rabbi at a nearby Synagogue in Yorktown Heights quotes form the same NPR news feed my wife subscribes to.
What’s it like being married to an atheist gentile?
Annoying, especially when your wife throws a toy train at your head after you nudge her to tell her parents that we’ve had Hebrew naming ceremonies for all three of our kids already.
I try to empathize.
Babe, I love anyone who loves God, who doesn’t want to kill me for being half Heeb crazy.
The only difference between Gentiles and Jews is that the chosen people don’t buy into Jesus being the Messiah.
A rotating door of Karen types yelling at me to wear a damn mask at the Kosher Butcher doesn’t sound like peace on earth.
Wear the damn mask.
Suck the hate speech out of my chosen schlong first, Karen.
Pretend NPR ordered you to leak it.
What’s it like raising Jewish kids without sending them to Hebrew School?
Easy, we do Shabbat prayers every Friday night.
I’ve involved them in my comedy act while writing the book The Koshertarian Comedians.
And laugh hysterically at the sight of my son Chosen Curls giving a flying elbow drop on top of our Christmas Tree that Mama bought against our wishes again.
Plus, I experience zero regrets whenever I yell at my wife for decorating our house with non-denominational Gnomes for three months leading up to December again.
I hate Gnomes.
They look like Santa’s cut-off Trust Fund Babies on Social Security.
What’s it like having dinner with my in-laws over Grace?
A time to channel my inner Kid Rock, as I say, Amen, I say Amen while being a sneaky Heeb about it because they have no idea I’m imitating Kid Rock on Rock and Roll Jesus.
Once, my daughter admitted to lip-syncing Grace after my mother-in-law forced my 3 Jew blood-tainted kids to receive Eucharist, a Ukrainian communion without my approval.
But right now, you’re thinking.
But Zelensky is Jewish.
He had his two kids baptized.
So that’s like saying Jihadi John is Jewish.
Don’t Jihadists ever tire of pubescent dent-free trim?
Don’t they have enough blood on their hands already?
What was it like growing up with a Southern mother who converted to Judaism?
Weird, especially the time when she’d reveal her southern belle side.
Mom says, “Kentucky is known for horses and pretty women.
I say, Mom, keep your sundress on. Before you tell me, Dad is bigger than Man-O-War.
The number of Jews is declining because so many are assimilating or pulling out early from excessive meat sweats.
Michael Douglas wants to connect other Jews to faith.
Maybe, start with condemning Rabbis who use COVID, Trumpism, and the Holocaust in the same sentence over the High Holy days and will talk.
Trump was the best friend Israel ever had.
And Israel discarded him like trash in exchange for Hair Plugs Sniffer.
Who only cares about brownie sniff-offs, arming a nuclear Iran again, punishing MAGA country for electing Trumpy Poo Tits twice, and depressing the US Dollar more than Zelensky’s coke dealer since he declined his Dark Money Discover Card.
Maybe, have a Rabbi who admits to his congregation.
Obama’s the one in love with Hitler.
Obama wished he was that organized.
Exterminating any big-mouth Jewish critic who dares to criticize his thug’s lives matter most rhetoric and nuke gifting to deal to Iran would be a gas.
Losing Passions, Challah, thank you very much.