Unplanned Fatherhood Yucks

What’s the best thing about unplanned fatherhood, 3 kids later?

Drinking alone is no longer an issue.

I gave up drinking beer last summer during my year without beer. Because beer bellies give self love a bad name

Plus, it was humiliating to spend so much time in front of my kids, hungover, recycling, endless reminders of my hopoliscous past as entire Rocky marathons on AMC passed me by.

I quit edibles too because they’d kick in after I thought my daughter was asleep already.

And whatever buzzy calm I felt went poof once my daughter would ask, “What do you do after tucking me in?” Finally, I snap and say, “I squeeze in 2 minutes of me too time alright.”

When my daughter was younger she’d ask hard questions to amswer after the edibles kicked in when I thought she was asleep already. She’d ask, “Daddy, if God created the universe, then who created God?” The best I could come up with was, “God went back in a time machine made by Elon Musk.” Daughter says, “Do more edibles Daddy. But thanks for making me an Atheist at 4.”

Did I mention how my 11 year old daughter has breat buds now? According to my wife, she’s the last person in class to get them. So I say, “Then, why haven’t yours sprouted yet?”

Now I’m going to do an impersonation of my daughter in fight prevention mode again. Pause Daddy, my mama got your point mid breath.

Unplanned fatherhood yucks, challah. Thank you very much.

I also quit taking adderall after writing like a Jewish angel on it for the past 12 years in my mind.

I quit adderall so I’d focus less on how ahead of the curve annoyomg my wife can be, especially after threatening to kick me out of the house if I gave our kids, the common cold through Covid. An itchy esophagus matters too.

All time most annoying line is, “I’ve sacrificed.” She acts like an aspiring comedian in his late thirties into third legged beauties.com wanted kids ever. The 0 percent waist fast doesn’t hurt.

Unplanned Fatherhood yucks, Challah, thank you very much.

And if hospitals were so overwhelmed at the height of Covid, how did Nurses have so much free time on their hands to work on their elaborate Tik Tok dance routines for their new Chinese master overlords to spy on from afar.

I calls my 2 sons Stud Alerts on the loose. I won’t send them to junior high unless they have a lawyer by their side at all times to hand out pre-poundage consent forms. They might be gayer than I am. One time, my youngest son asked his older brother to sit on his penis and I say, “Not Kosher baby, but that is a rock solid line to use on a busty vixen in a Russ Meyer remake of Busty Beauties or Topless Tudors.”

But my oldest son is the best slacker alert ever. He’ll say, “Daddy, no box jumps today.” I say, “I got food poisoning from the Halal Guys, long Covid and Aids through Zoom with Andy Dick.” And slacker alert son will fire back with, “Enough with the excuses daddy. You’re worse than Hillary.”

Unplanned fatherhood yucks, Challah, thank you very much.

Michael Kornbluth