Death Mandate State

Why did Logan Roy drop dead suddenly? Shouldn’t the CEO of Waystar be exempt from taking the clot shot? Shouldn’t this titan of industry be smart enough to know how COVID was a man-made bioweapon used to push for mail-in voting, which ushered in the death of Voter ID? How else can you tell MS-13 apart, with all that shit on their face? I’d start trusting the Media, Big Tech, and our government, if they ever agree to report in unison on how the COVID vaccination, not the rebranded flu, is the biggest drama queen killer of them all; that’s ultimately responsible for depressing your immune system more than entry into the Dallas Buyers Club. A new report claims Jamie Foxx is blind and paralyzed after getting a blood clot in his brain from the forced COVID vaccination, in the service of revitalizing Cameron Diaz’s film career, courtesy of the Screen Actors Guild and the current death mandate administration. Unmasking death work mandates for Jamie. Now, what can you say to console someone who got quadrupled vaccinated in the name of Dr. Gnocchi Be Good? Sudden adult death syndrome is better than having to live through this never-ending shit show as the remainder of your 401 K gets amputated faster than it takes Justin Bieber to regain feeling in his boy band wrecked face. Your heart is a ticking time bomb waiting to go off faster than Trumpy Poo fans left on Breitbart who claims he never forced anyone to take the operation death speed shot, despite pushing it harder than Trump Vodka to power-hungry Ukies in the 80s. Unmasking death mandates for Jamie. Thanks, Lord, for my highly developed bullshit detection meter, which makes me one of the last true New Yorkers, standing, Challah, very much. But the death mandates are nothing to worry about, if Nick Canon is offering health updates on his friend Jamie Fox to Yahoo news. Isn’t Nick Cannon another Farrakhan apologizer licker who claims he can’t be a Jew hater because he’s a Black Hebrew Semite? Call me a racist, but I don’t think King David shows up on your, Shaka Zulu.” Unmasking death mandates for Jamie, Challah. Thank you very much.

Michael Kornbluth

No Mr. Sly Guy Revised

It must be tough being married to Sylvester Stallone. According to his model wife, he’s always pointing out what’s wrong with her super model body when he wasn’t throwing gummy bears at her head while sampling new dialogue on her from his latest and greatest Rocky script.

“Jennifer, it’s not about how hard you hit. It’s about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward without wanting to trade places with Padma Lakshmi.”

No More Mr. Sly Guy, Challah. Thank you very much.

Michael Kornbluth

Legends of the Small

Nolan Ryan, the most consistently dominant pitcher in MLB history, otherwise known as The Ryan Express or Big Tex, depending on whether he was barebacking a barely broken-in Dallas Cowboys cheerleader, pitched seven no-hitters, which is three more than his idol Sandy Kofax did. Unlike Sandy Kofax, I don’t think Big Tex skipped any prime rib dinners throughout his 27-year playing career, even when George W. Bush tried to talk him into taking media pitching lessons from Dick Cheney, which is a yucky conversation for anybody to stomach. An overly anxious young W tries to break the ice with Big Tex in the locker room after the reporters for the Texas Bugle have left. “When the Rangers don’t make it to the World Series this year, just blame it on Tanner from the Bad News Bears, who planted choking anthrax in the old Astrodome for shits and giggles.”

What else did I learn about Big Tex in the documentary Facing Ryan?

Nolan Ryan’s wife is prettier than the Texas sprawl sky.

Nolan’s Ryan wife of 56 years, Ruth Ryan, is too pretty to cheat on ever.

Ruth Ryan is a prettier, tanner version of Debbie Harry in her prime.

Plus, Ruth Ryan raised three good-looking, rock-solid kids in Texas, where third-term abortions are considered too late, unlike in New York state.

George W. Bush is still a twitchy bitch in an armchair.

George W. Bush, former Managing Director of the Texas Rangers, still sounds like Dick Cheney is nudging him to play the constipated version of Dirty Harry while grunting in the distance, “More twang, Mr. President, more twang.”

Big Tex and Little W Bush don’t mix.

It’s like Beto interviewing MMA fighters over Joe Rogan.

But seriously, Big Tex and Little Bush don’t belong in the same documentary together.

One is in the Headlock Hall of Fame.

The other is in the President Hall of Shame, for giving us 9/11, the surveillance state, and Obama Be Meh, which sent race relations back farther than banning the dunk or bringing back no sneaker policies to the China Club during the summer of 89 when Air Jordan’s flew off the shelves in a NY minute.

Peaceful protestors from January 6th, have gag orders on them while still in jail with no transparent trial ahead. Yet I’m supposed to be pleased with W getting to provide color commentary on a documentary about Nolan Ryan while getting to feed off his sterling integrity as a competitor and Texan legend who has nothing in common with this stumpy piece of shit? And you’re straining for star power voltage, when you’re calling W’s people for an appearance on the doc about Nolan Ryan for Amazon Prime. George W. Bush attended Greenwich Country Day in Greenwich, CT and went to an elite boarding school in Mass soon after before going to Yale. The only thing less Texan than W’s upbringing is Southern Republicans getting their panties in a bunch over the Dixie Chicks. Papa Bush worked for the CIA under Hoover when Kennedy got killed because of his plans to dismantle the Deep State and “Scatter them to the wind.” But I’m supposed to trust the morally bankrupt leadership of the Washington elite after letting four sketchy Arabs take flight lessons in Florida before 9/11 without batting an eye? And Ellen isn’t a sell-out new world order hack breath for hire, who’s only friends with W because she’s pro-bush all the way.

If the Hit King, AKA Charlie Hustle, can’t get voted in Cooperstown because of his gambling problem. Then, I want W banned from documentaries about the creation of great family men like Big Tex. Who didn’t authorize the murdering of our troops and own citizens while pressuring Collin Powell to push the weapons of mass destruction lie with less legs than Lieutenant Dan. Or else the 23 Emmy awards the Daily Show won were for nothing. Legends of the Small live; Challah, thank you very much.

Michael Kornbluth