Drinking Material Filler

Gave up drinking beer last summer. I felt terrible about spending so much time hungover, RECYCLNG, endless, empty reminders of my lush littered past, as entire Rocky Marathons on AMC passed me by.

I got asked for ID yesterday while getting some beer. I say, “I used to get malt liquor when I was 18. My favorite brand was Old English, Snoop Dog’s ho sprayer of choice to be exact. Have you tried Snoop Dog’s new wine? Wine Spectator says, “It tastes like mouthwash used in Porn Hood Hell.”

Mom just texts me from wine country in Virginia and asks, “Did you recommend me getting into white viognier wine ? I text back, “Yes, viogniers pack creamier heft, than most chardonnays. Not that Hillary would know the difference. Still, it would be Huma Licker’s Breath last option on Epstein Island, OK, Dennis Leary lives, if he came out as a Trump Truther Republican, holla, thank you very much.

Michael Kornbluth

New Jokes for Funnier Twin Record

Buying a beer at the local Italian supermarket and the song Little Lies by Fleetwood Mac is playing on the surround sound store speakers. As my beer is scanned. I say to the supermarket clerk, “Tell me lies, tell me sweet little lies”, is what Stevie Nicks sang to Hillary backstage at MSG.” Multiple twenty something supermarket girl clerks laugh through their masks loud, long time. I add, “That’s an a plus joke addition to my book Do It All Dad Does Jokes. You’re welcome. If I said that joke to my father he’d say, “Not funny, not appropriate.” Resist this, Pops.” Laughs persist long time.  Thank you very much.

My A plus compliment for my wife this morning. I say, “Babe, I watched a video on Adam Sandler’s wife last night. And you’re much better looking than her without the aid of movie makeup. And it shows in her kids to.” Wife laughs long time. Thank you very much.

This midafternoon compliment was good but came off as more unintended dickish after my wife got dressed for Home Depot after a 45-minute ride on the Pelton. I say, “That dress fits your body well babe and no longer looks so tentish.”

I can’t believe my 10-year-old daughter just got her 1st breast bud. My wife says, “Matilda and Shannon are the last girls in her class to get them.” I say, “Then why haven’t yours sprouted yet?

Wife asks, “Would you like to take a trip to Home Depot? I say, “No.” She says, “Then, who’s going to help me lift the bag of mulch into the car? I say, “A dreamer who aspires to become Store Manager one day.”

I think the LBGT community should rebrand Olympic Iron Woman competitors as She Male Tom Boys. Who identify with Alpha Dogs minus the insufferable arrogance on par with MJ, especially after he called Scottie Pippen “selfish” for stalling knee surgery to use as leverage when renegotiating his contract knowing the best number 2 ever was getting paid less than BJ Armstrong’s Nanny.

Last night for dinner my daughter says, “Daddy, your red lips are looking blander than usual. Do you want me to put lipstick on for you after dinner? I say, “I can’t look through mom’s purse for hidden Adderall pills without feeling like a speed freak horror. So, I’ll pass, thanks.”

Jon Snow from Game of Thrones going to rehab in CT for 75 grand a week, ruins everything. He was supposed to be the new Alpha Dog version of Orlando Bloom yet now you get the distinct impression he’d shake in his boots from a cutting stare by Gordan Ramsey on Master Chef Celebrity Editon. Gordan Ramsey spits out a bite of his Dothraki Lamb burger and says, “This tastes like burnt villagers Jon Snow.”

Liz Cheney before going down on Meghan Rapinoe. Unlike my father Dick, I aim to please.

Shocked to hear my mother disapproves of her younger sister watching the View. The only difference between the View and the Rachel Maddow Show is no straight guys watch either. East coast elitist cucks don’t count because they’d never laugh at this impersonation of Chris Matthews sexually harassing a new yenta breath intern from Long Island whose more overtly Jewy peppy, screechy annoying than Joy Behar if you can believe it, “Eating out Maddow. Counts as your lunch break babe.” Thank you very much.

Michael Kornbluth