Author: doitalldadyear

Michael Kornbluth is a featured author on The Good Men Project, Do It All Dad Year Podcast Host and guest blogger for the Times of Israel. He was the Head Writer of America’s Hard 100 on Vh1 Classic and Music Independence Day on VH1. His 30 Rock spec script, The Kings of Comedy, made him a Recommended Writer on TV Writer.com.

Wimp Heaven

by doitalldadyear, posted in poetry, technology, writing

I wonder if Kevin Smith used a Fountain Pen with red ink when he got hired on the down low to rewrite Good Will Hunting. I know only Seinfeld is allowed to crack wise. Interesting fact, Walt Disney preferred tobacco brown ink, over black. You don’t say? According to Walt, black ink didn’t give much texture to each stroke. Wasn’t the Constitution written in black ink? I know ancient, outdated relic of yesteryear, totally get it. But black ink doesn’t give much texture to each stroke? Ice Cube, feel free to chime in anytime you want, anyone out there, Mueller, Mueller. But Walt Disney only favored tobacco brown over black ink for mere aesthetic reasons only. Sure, and bug on stick trucks in Davos this year won’t clean up. Black ink doesn’t give as much texture to each stroke. Tell that to Ice Cube’s Raider’s gear in the eighties. Even today, those throwback Raiders jerseys exude more layered in your face attitude than Tony Gwynn in Padres pinstripes ever did is all I’m saying. Wimp Heaven lives, Challah. Thank you very much.

Michael Kornbluth

Price Of Promiscuity

by doitalldadyear, posted in relationships, sex, writing

I wish the price of Promiscuity wasn’t so high.

That’s why masturbation is our last safety rail left.

Plus, your dick never bitches about not filling up your wife’s car because you’re too busy unloading on your phone again.

Miraculously that’s only happened to me once considering my sheer amount of time in the pump and dump position.

Companies would clear themselves of sexual harassment lawsuits on their hands. If they only created a safe space bathroom for jerking it, jerking, jerking it well. So you’re not dragged out the bathroom stall by your legs. As the office security guard croons in his best Tom Petty voice, “You don’t come around here no more.”

I think kids today should be banned from sporting Steph Curry jerseys unless they identify with having to high step over the shit lined streets of San Francisco. Or boast a mother that’s hot enough to win Miss Washington Heights. Who could charge the price of Hamilton tickets in exchange for some high end Chlamydia.

Did you know that that heart shape symbol of love is based off an ancient plant called Silphium used to treat Syphilis and anal warts according to Pliny the Elder. They even used it as a form of birth control. Plus, the heart shape was modeled after the shape of a David’s throbbing buttock.

The seed pods from this miracle STD ointment plant were associated with heart shaped seed pods. That they crushed up and snorted like Ritalin in Ancient Greece.

They even put the pod shape on coins in ancient Greece for Christ’s sake. Anal wart ointment was so money and gender fluid generals knew it. Seriously according to Pliny the Elder, this ground up Roman herb was used to treat warts in the seat. So you bet your ass it cost more than gold. Between a gold bracelet for your wife’s birthday or a frictionless railing from behind, what would you pick, Prick?

If I can avoid any Fungi outgrowth of my anus hole, I’ll do it. I’d wipe my ass with Benjamin’s used as poop paper in a bat cage made in Wuhan used for to launch biochemical warfare if it got the job done.

In summary, Heart shaped seeds that cured the clap is why we celebrate Valentine’s Day today. So, Nero could fiddle in the spa without his anus-hole burning.

To make matters worse, I can’t stare at my daughter’s new Teacup with a heart on it without thinking.

I better start selling her on the upside of Lesbianism.

Matilda, being a lesbian is good. For starters you can’t get Aids. Plus, you can take a licking and keep on ticking.

Price of Promiscuity, Challah.

Thank you very much.

Blackmail Pics Unnerving

by doitalldadyear, posted in entertainment, humor, writing

Zelensky insists that the US will have to send our sons and daughters to war if more aid isn’t forthcoming.

What compromising pics does this Uki dwarf have on Hair Plugs Sniffer exactly?

Are they shower pics of Biden’s daughter combing his shin hair with Buckwheat’s afro pick?

Michelle Obama power slamming Prince Harry during a game of Twister at the Uki consulate? While smooshing off Scruffie Archie’s freckle spots in the process?

Does Zelensky have a pic of his wife in those small town ho, fish net stockings getting railed by a blacked out Sean Penn during a Democratic fundraiser on Harvey Weinsteins Yacht, Hair Clumps Me?

Zelensky is killing his own citizens to make Russia look bad, yet all of sudden Bono is hush, hush?

Can’t he nudge Obama Be Good to airdrop starving Ethipoian babies who refuse to eat Gates bug kabobs mixed with cancerous tumor cells served in their Sloppy Second Joe’s made from the Beyond Meat corporation? At least then, Bono could try to talk some sense into Zelensky because his life saving brand would finally have some skin in the game? But Zelensky is Jewish. Who gives a fuck? Nobody is perfect. Besides, dwarf head had both his kids baptized at an Eastern Orthodox Church. So calling Zelensky Jewish is like calling Jihadi John Jewish. At least Jihadi John doesn’t spend US tax dollars like a drunken Azov Nazi with a duffle bag full of Gap kids stock options to burn. Blackmail Pics Unnerving, Challah. Thank you very much.

Michael Kornbluth

War Drums Inside

by doitalldadyear, posted in poetry, politics, writing

Man nods at me with a mask on on MetroNorth, acting like I’m one of them. He might as well have said, “Howdy partner. You’re too good for noshing on bugs on a stick yet.” 

“Care to take a ride in my cow hide? Assuming you’re quadrupled boosted, got proof of vaccination and got nothing to hide.”

I got up and changed seats immediately.

I don’t want any masked puppet pawn to ever think I’m on their side, especially since all Patriots have been declared domestic Terrorists for protesting against a stolen election since the day Democracy died.

War drums inside, Challah.

Thank you very much.

Michael Kornbluth

Funny Jew Bone Forever

by doitalldadyear, posted in humor, poetry, writing

When I was a stay at home shemale comedian.

It was hard to feel like my own man.

Especially when my wife’s Smart Phone alerted her after I made another questionable purchase.

Wife calls from work the following day.

Hey, babe, so how was Bride Of Chucky?

Which reminds me of the time I pushed my son off the swing because I pushed him too hard.

I say. 

What do you after getting knocked off the horse?

Son says.

Call Child Services.

Still, it was extra infuriating for my wife to suggest that I’d show any of our 3 kids the new WuTang series on Hulu.

Of course her defense was.

But you showed Matilda Bride Of Chucky.

I say.

Yeah, 2 minutes of it. Before I realized how violent it was. I just remember Chucky delivering one killer line after the next. 

Besides, I already played Wu Tang 36 Chambers on vinyl after Matilda’s Kung Fu belt ceremony, which already freaked her the f out. Her white belt turned a new shade of white. Simmilar to Child’s Play, Old Dirty Bastard was less clownish than I recall.  All Matilda heard was 5 percent nation on the swarm. Ghost Face Killah made her feel ultra vanilla. So no, I don’t plan on showing Matilda the Wu Tang Saga on Hulu. Especially when every 5 percent rapper today claims to be a black Hebrew. Whatever you say Inspectah Deck. I’m positive King Solomon shows up on your ancestry.com, Shaka Zulu.

Funny Jew Bone Forever, Challah.

Thank you very much.

Michael Kornbluth

Woody Killers

by doitalldadyear, posted in culture, poetry, writing

The decline feature on LinkedIn-In Mail is designed to convey a semi-aggressive f off vibe, don’t you think?  

It’s the closest an IT nerd from a hedge fund in Greenwich, CT can get to hitting you over the head with NO.  

VP Of Product Engineering rumbles to his wife at night.

My team programs trading strategies for masters of the universe.

This Headhunter Writer couldn’t get into Hillsdale College early acceptance.

He’s a God damn disgrace.

You bet your ass, I declined his LinkedIn, In-Mail.

I’ve got no room in my life for another parasitical putz face.

We manage big Pharmas bankroll for Christ stake.

But seriously, the decline feature on LinkedIn Mail screams passive aggressiveness that’s out of breath.

How did this glamorized indentured servant who works on a draw, get the balls to hit on me?

I piss Benjamin’s as far as the eye can see, after my team polished off 2 kegs of Dog Fish 90 minute at our Company Retreat in Capri.

The decline feature on LinkedIn In-Mail is designed to rub in your short sighted loserness in your face.

Yeah, smart move hitting on me through a keyboard lame o breath.

Why don’t you cold call me like a man, so I could tell you to f off in real time with more resounding Shazam?

When someone takes the time to click on Delcine after you blow your load on a LinkedIn In-Mail.

It means, you got under their skin a bit.

So, it’s their turn to make you feel like shit.

If someone actually takes the time to click on decline after receiving a LinkedIn In-Mail in means.

Either A) I want to take a shower

B) Your confidence is off putting

C) You’re not hot enough to hit on me.

D) You’re too dumb to do what I do.

E) Everything you spat in my direction; I can articulate better.

F) Frankly, I don’t normally read LinkedIn Mails because most Recruiters are illiterate burnouts, but I don’t want to you feel sneeringly superior around your pathetic plagued peers.

G) My day just went from good to great, by putting you in your place.

H) Hacks are us, not interested. If I had an ugly stick, I’d beat you over the head with it, till you scurried off to cave underground with nobody else around, where you belong.

I) Idiot, nobody writes in complete sentences anymore. What makes you so special? #RookieRecruitersneverknowwhentothrowinthetowel

J) Jump off a bridge already. You hit on nerds for a living. If were still in high school, Alpha males in school, wouldn’t even waste their time acknowledging your bottom feeding, sexless existence.

K) Kill yourself. I went to the University of Chicago. You went to Ithaca, which is Cornell’s retarded next door neighbor, I win again.

L) Love yourself less. You’re desperate, delusional, dunz face for thinking this attempt to connect would impress.

M) You have no business feeling cooler than any millennial mousketeers who made twice what you make since they raised minimum wage their senior year in college.

N) Nudge your boss into firing you by wearing a xeroxed copy of your latest COVID test at work, so you can make more money collecting unemployment.

O) How do you feel outstanding doing what you do? You badger companies into hiring software engineers who are going to get a new job anyway. Regardless of you emailing their resume, which is your only way to sway.

P) Piss off, you predatory peon scrub. You’re only good at taking well enough to get another recruiter job, you’ve haven’t gotten fired from yet bud.

Q) Quit your recruitment agency career already. You obviously care more about entertaining yourself than your intended audience within the IT sphere, who aren’t known for their rolling senses of humor in the 1st place.

Y) Yuck it up Headhunter Writer. Have fun telling yourself that writing inspires the next time you get fired.

Z) Give your brain a rest and take some Z’s. I bet your sneezes are annoying too. So, f off already please. Do I have to get on my knees?

But Headhunter Writer inspires. So how you can decline further chats with me?  

Oh, yeah, you’re a deadweight conversationalist.

That’s what I get for pissing up the wrong tree.

Woody Killers live, Challah.

Thank you very much.

Michael Kornbluth