Joy Is Not Bombing At Parenting

Joy is unplanned fatherhood and getting closer to my kids than I already am.

But let’s talk about unplanned fatherhood 1st, 3 direct hits later.

I never mastered the art of the pump fake.

Nor was I aware of what attachment parenting is.

It’s turning your bed into an open milk bar for the foreseeable future.

Gen X parents understand our parents moved to the suburbs from the Bronx, not for better school systems but just for another room upstairs for the baby to cry it out in, making the moans of despair easier to bear.

But God didn’t give me 3 kids to have a panic attack over it.

Obviously, God never had the same confidence in Pete Davidson, the boy toy voice of Generation Z.

My wife says, I’ve sacrificed. She acts like an aspiring comedian in his late twenties wanted kids ever.

Children are family upgrades though, who kick your career passions into overdrive, leading to me finally getting my TV writing break at Vh1 Classic, writing all the heavy metal intro reads for WWE Chris Jericho. Halfway into the shoot, Chris Jericho tells me his father played professional hockey in Canada. I reply, “And that’s why your Chris Jericho and I couldn’t dunk a basketball if my life depended on it.”

What I’ve learned from unplanned fatherhood, 3 direct hits later, is why kids love back.

Because you make them feel like the most important center of your universe instead of the reverse.

Because when you say I love you, it doesn’t sound manufactured hoarse like you’re forcing the issue to avoid a divorce.

Famous Humorist, Victor Borge, said, “Laughter is the shortest distance between 2 people.” So, my main idea worth teaching dads is the importance of being funnier around their kids and to teach you how controlling our kids with comedy, can make our kids great again, my 3 fuss kids most of the time are living proof of it.

Being funnier around your kids is important because it’s the difference between being a do it all dad and bombing at parenting, which is your kids never wanting to seek your own company again.

Do It All Dads matter because 70 percent of African Americans who end up in jail, are a result of fatherless homes, despite Do It All Grandma’s best efforts.

Do It All Dads matter because only 1 out of 3 kids today with live with their dads. And you wonder why college campuses today require safe spaces to sooth student nerves with Play-Doh whenever big, bad, Ben Shapiro is town.

Do It All Dads matter. The Williams sisters, Tiger Woods, Lonzo Ball and the late great Kobe Bryant can all attribute a larger portion of their success to super involved Do It All Dads.

Still, most of us including myself, can’t even jump over a stapler, let alone dunk out at the Staples Center on TNT for a living. Granted, not all our kids are blessed with God given, natural athletic ability, which is outside of our control.

But what is in dad’s control, is how he chooses to interact with his children during the limited time he has, so he can become a consummate scene stealer on his own and that is through being funnier around his kids and making them laugh more than Ted from accounting, no offense. Ted, I’m positive you can be funnier around your kids to.

Start using comedy on your kids early, even when they can only string 2 words together.

My old routine at the deli with my daughter was this. Matilda, what did Tyson Chandler, give the Knicks. She’d say, “Bupkus, daddy, Bupkus.”

The Rod didn’t work out too well for Michael Jackson, and helicopter parents raised a generation of kids suffering from anxiety, who attend pill parties for fun with 13 Reason On Vinyl, who take offense at everything, giving the impression they never had a sense of humor to lose in the 1st place. Controlling your kids with comedy is the sweet spot in the middle.

How did I come up with my concept of controlling my kid with comedy? One day, my 4-year -old son was ranting and raving about going to daycare and I was intent on writing new jokes as usual from home for my Do It All Dad Year Podcast, while looking after his newborn baby bother. I slapped my 4-year-old son Arthur, on the bum, with mild force, my windup was 2 Mississippi max. Later in the car, the fear of God engulfed my soul, as my son, tells me, “I’m never talking to you ever again.” Now, I was bombing at parenting.

Because for me bombing at parenting is your kids never seeking out your company again. But then my Improv 101 training from UCB and Second City kicked into full gear, and I started to hit my own bum in the car with a fake news spatula. I said, “Art Show, my nickname for my son Arthur, I got it, next time, I get angry, I’ll whip my own ass. Although, don’t use the word ass, because kids repeat naughty curse words, so I’ll make up funnier, safe space alternatives like Anus Hole, that sort of thing.

So the more I starting whipping my own anus hole while driving my son to pre-k, with real menacing fury, my sons tears began to subside and I won my love son’s back, through controlling my son with comedy, which is why getting more laughs from your kids is serious business and the difference between winning your kids back and bombing at parenting forever.

Again, famous humorist Victor Borge, says, “Laughter is the shortest distance between 2 people. So, make your kids laugh more, if you care about getting closer to your kids and not bombing at parenting like Tommy Lee. His son refuses to talk with Tommy, which is awful to hear. If I had Tommy Lee’s son on the Do It All Dad Year Podcast, I’d ask his son, “Are you against seeing your father, because he blew off your all your baseball games as a kid knowing you’d whiffed more than Charlie Sheen at an AVN expo after hours party this year?

How can you control your kids better with comedy?

Talk to your kids like mini adults, even in public. If my baby stinks up Stop and Shop in Mahopac, in our shopping cart, I’ll clarify the depths of his poo and say to my son out loud, “Samuel did you go stink, stink? Son says. “I went pebble poo rock.” And I’ll reply with, “Smells more like, all out of yuck to me.” Dr. Seuss peaked early, so it’s never too late for you to create some funny nicknames to describe your kids dumps to. If my son just pees, I’ll drop his nappy on the floor at home for dramatic, funnier impact. If it makes a dense plop sound, I’ll start singing, “Big Plopping.” So, silly names for your kid’s number one and two’s is way to control your kids with comedy in no time.

At the same time, dads in the audience are thinking, “I’m at work all day and don’t have the time or luxury to work from home like you.” Which makes sense, because only 3.2 percent of American men do. I get it. Our President commented on never having to change his kids diapers because he was doing busy becoming a billionaire. I wish I can make that claim because it would mean I had my shit together for a change. Instead of being an unemployed stay at home comedian whose been fired more than a Palestinian Sling Shot.

The most important part to controlling your kids with comedy and making them laugh more is to stop taking yourself so seriously and to let your hair down at home with your limited stage time with your kids. Quitting Twitter and Facebook is a step in the right direction. I don’t miss my joke gems getting retweeted one bit.

Making out with your kids stuffed dolls like Pineapple Pretty is an effective way to controlling your kids better with comedy. You develop your own Improv routines. But one of mine, is making out with Pineapple Pretty. But I set the stage a bit, saying, “Ooh, Pineapple Pretty, you’re so pretty. I can’t control myself around you Pineapple Pretty.” Before I start to pretend making out with my kid’s stuffed animal, who I nicknamed, Pineapple Pretty, while making plenty of oohing and ahhing sounds in the process. My daughter always defends Pineapple Pretty’s honor and starts pulling Pineapple Pretty away from me saying, “Don’t even think about it, daddy.”

Another way to control your kids better with comedy, is to flatter your kids and emote about their inspired, laugh loud ads libs, which make you laugh long time, so you embolden your kid’s comedic expressiveness like when your 5 year old son yells at your faulty, voice powered speaker and says, “Cortana throw yourself out the window already.” Or when your son pushes you to finish you writing your self-published book, Controlling My Kids With Comedy, A Love Story and says, “Daddy be better be funnier than Weird Al by Christmas or I’ll kill you with our sharpest knife for real.” And then later, have your son do the intro for a Do It All Dad Year Podcast episode, where he says, “Be funnier than Weird Al, or boo hack get off the stage, Dada.” So, by involving your kids into the magic of comedy creation, they develop a greater sense of funny and desire to make their do it dads laugh more to.

Also, darker is always funnier, like the Stinky Cheese Man story for kids, which is a picture book tale about a married couple who is lonely, so they create a baby, known as the Stinky Cheese Man, but end up kicking it out of the house because he stinks up the house and makes their stomachs sick.

Also, another way to make your kids laugh more is to give a voice to dramatized concerns of your kids. For example, one time I gave my son Arthur a friendly hip toss on top of our bed and his bouncy ball spine, almost catapulted him into the dresser as he bounced off the bed. Understand, at first my son was a tad freaked out by the experience. But through using humor, I lightened the mood and said, “Who put a bouncy ball in your spine when I wasn’t looking?” And my son laughed. Now, when I ask my son, if he wants an elevator drop on the bed, I’ll dramatize his concern before I give him the elevator drop, assuming my son’s voice, saying, “Don’t drop me from too high up daddy. I have a ball stuck in my spine, remember? And I can riff off that funny imagined concept forever, which your kids will participate in to keep the scene alive between you. So not only assuming your kid’s voice but imagining things that don’t exist like a bouncy ball in your son’s spine or there being a yellow tail sushi roll in your newborn’s knee will get your kids laughing and closer to you in no time. I’ll go to give my newborn son, a knee nosh and say, “You got any more yellow tail in there? And he’ll say, “No but, I’ve got salmon and avocado in there though.”

Another way to control your kids with comedy is by teaching them funny words in Yiddish, which is a very colorful, expressive language, which makes your kids funnier and more likeable to be around also. For example, whenever our Internet goes out while the kids are watching a show on Hulu or Amazon Prime, my baby boy Samuel will take his sock off and throw it at the TV and yell, “Gevalt” which means, oh my, not again.

Or if my daughter, farts 3 times in a row from field roast burger night, I’ll say, “Gevalt, Gevalt, Gevalt”, in rapid succession. Normally, this results in my daughter Singing Rose, hit me in the arm a couple of times, but it’s worth it. I’m also not saying, “Gevalt, Gevalt, Geval”, with malicious, self-esteem hampering intent like my father calling me a waste of height growing up, while coaching me in junior rec basketball.

Another way to controlling your kids with comedy is to make fun how crappy their art teachers name in elementary school like Mrs. Outhouse. And you can use the power of call back and say, Mrs. Outhouse, what kind of name is that? Is Stinky Cheese Man her soulmate?

And never underestimate the power of surprise. I do this routine called, Falling Putzy Apple Tree. Where my son is lying on the bed, and I’ll say, “ Falling Putzy Apple Tree, part 2”, and I’ll playfully drop my head into my son’s mid-section twice, then I’ll throw off the rhythm and surprise him with Falling Putzy Apple tree, 4,5, 6, booya tribe, and ram my head into his midsection getting my son to laugh. Now, whenever my son watches the Death Star get blown up again in the Star Wars New Hope, he’ll say, “Boo Ya Tribe”, which never grows old, so don’t shy away from using old-school hip-hop lingo to control your kids better with comedy because it never gets old hearing your daughter refer to the past tense as “old school” or “back in the day”, either.

I get it, most dads, don’t feel positive about their roles as fun makers around their kids but just make an extra effort to prize funny over money at home and try to make your kids laugh more, and you’ll start getting more smiles from the window when you come home and more hugs from behind, because kids love back, with ten times more emotional oomph, when you make them feel like the center of your universe instead of the reverse.

 

I don’t want to be best supporting dad. That’s like winning best side bitch. So, take more creative chances at home and try bossing through clowning around your kids and prize funny over money at home and stop being so willing to outsource the totality of your kid’s entertainment to Baby Yoda and the mope maligned Millennial Mouseketeer grandson of Darth Vader, the most petulant, annoying addition to an ex-iconic, franchise, I could give 2 BB 8 shits about now.

 

Social justice is Dad proving he’s got drive to outshine scary mommy at home, intent on growing closer to his with kids with comedy, even if it’s only for five minutes of stage time before he tucks his kids in at night.

 

So, Do It All Dad nation, make the most of your stage time with your kids. Bombing at parenting isn’t funny, when you’re the one doing it, which is why getting laughs is serious business because you make your kids laugh, the closer you’ll get. Controlling our kids through comedy, can make our kids great again, my 3 fuss free kids, most of the time are living proof of it, thank you.

 

Michael Kornbluth

NBA Series Ideas for Bleacher Report

 

Made for Manhattan

Hall of Fame Clyde Frazier is hired as the new Team President for the New York Knicks to make the Mecca of Basketball Eden again, where he mobilizes all of Knicks legends still alive to sell future draft picks and free agent signings to sell them on why winning in the Big Apple matters most.

 

LaVar Ball Dad Camp

La Var Ball runs a coach dad contest during the summer league in Las Vegas with a massive sign in fee of ten thousand dollars per head. The winner gets to follow LaVar Ball for a whole month for a Do It All Dad seminar for coach dads to learn from the best big baller coach dad entrepreneur in the Universe.

 

Social Justice League

A group of NY based celebs form a coup against Knicks owner James Dolan, yet things get testy when Chaz Palminteri wants to focus their social justice cause to remove Mayor De Blasio from office, insisting the losing culture of the Garden stems from Gracie Mansion instead.

 

Oakley’s

Charles Oakley opens a comedy club car wash outside Madison Square to thumb his nose at Knicks owner James Dolan restraining order against him and hires John Sally as the MC and on the Marquee outside is a perpetual sign that reads in bright lights, Sell The Knicks Dolan.

 

White Men Can’t Sell Jumping Pills

Rex Chapman and Bobby Sura launch a pharma startup in Silicon Alley in Manhattan, based on a breakthrough drug that just passed FDA testing, offering a hybrid, stem cell, replication pill, sold to cure white man’s disease.

 

 

Bill From Greenwich, CT

Is a series about a podcast show hosted by a know it all,  NBA basketball commentator from Greenwich, CT who wears nothing but a brand new white polo shirt to work every day, literally,  wearing his white privilege on a sleeve, after using his trust fund to fund his own sports podcast franchise, from his baller mansion in Greenwich, CT to make fun of pampered, socially media obsessed, fundamental weak, millennial musketeer basketball players for a living. But now he must host his show from jail with Craig Carton, who gets a transfer from Gen Pop for good behavior to a minimum security prison, where Martha Stewart did her time for insider trading, after Bill gets arrested for falling behind on child custody payments after becoming the Shawn Kemp of sports podcast radio.

 

If These Man Purses Could Talk

Is a new  animated NBA series, which focuses on the fashionista subculture of the NBA, from the perspective of talking Gucci purses, which players like King James parade before game time warm ups and on their Instagram to please their gay hip hop mafia handlers, whose goal is to feminize the league into WNBA in their fabulous, glam nerd image.

 

Harlem Globetrotters Go Broke

The Harlem Globetrotters assisted living home can’t pay their rent anymore due the rising prices because the area is being gentrified at an accelerated rate. Plus, the younger generation of Harlem Globetrotters can’t even sell out games since the emergence of YouTube and parents already familiar with their tied crowd work routines, tying up most of the action anyway. So, a private equity firm lead, by Puff Daddy and Uptown records, takes over the Harlem Globetrotters brand, and assisted living home, for Harlem Globe Trotters to make it all the Harlem Globetrotters feel great about beating up on whitey on the Washington Generals again.

 

Amare’s Fountain of Youth   

Ex Knick Amare achieves incredible success, becoming the first ever, owner, coach, player to lead his professional Israeli basketball premier league the Black Hebrew Hammers to win the league championship. But now his vision from while floating in the Red Sea is to open a basketball youth camp for younger Palestinians to eventually compete in their league and inspire other Palestinian Hoop dreams along the way.

 

Where Have You Gone John Starks?

John Starks is burnt out playing a hand greeter for James Dolan’s Knicks and decides to partner with a Gen x Sports Agent Producer Michael Kornbluth from CAA. to form a new CBA league alternative to attending college, orchestrating an expedition against the New York Knicks on News Years Day.

 

Michael Kornbluth

 

 

 

 

Be like Kobe

Joy is unplanned fatherhood and getting closer to my kids than I already am.

But let’s talk about unplanned fatherhood 1st, 3 direct hits later.

I never mastered the art of the pump fake.

Nor was I aware of what attachment parenting is.

It’s turning your bed into an open milk bar for the foreseeable future.

But breast feeding makes your kid’s complexions look extra angelic.

Other kids at day care look like they took a load to a face with an Elmer’s Glue Gun.

Attachment parenting is like planting seeds of self-esteem on steroids.

And your kids will grow up less likely to be pushed around, working for a boiler room IT staffing agency in LA for beggars pay, not understanding the concept of commission while being the only kid who graduated from a top communication school in the country with a debilitating stutter.

Growing up my dad says, “I had gnaw marks on my crib.” Meanwhile, I’m thinking, hey pops, did it ever occur to you, that I was starving to death at the time? Which explains why I almost ate through my fucking crib.

Gen X parents understand our parents moved to the suburbs from the Bronx, not for better school systems but just for another room upstairs for the baby to cry it out in, making the moans of despair easier to bear.

But God didn’t give me 3 kids to have a panic attack over it.

Obviously, God never had the same confidence in Pete Davidson, the boy toy voice of Generation Z.

My wife says, I’ve sacrificed. She acts like an aspiring comedian in his late twenties wanted kids ever.

Children are family upgrades though, who kick your career passions into overdrive, leading to me finally getting my TV writing break at Vh1 Classic, writing all the heavy metal intro reads for WWE Chris Jericho. Halfway into the shoot, Chris Jericho tells me his father played professional hockey in Canada. I reply, “And that’s why your Chris Jericho and I couldn’t dunk a basketball if my life depended on it.”

What I’ve learned from unplanned fatherhood, 3 direct hits later, is why kids love back.

Because you make them feel like the most important center of your universe instead of the reverse.

Because when you say I love you, it doesn’t sound manufactured hoarse like you’re forcing the issue to avoid a divorce.

Famous Humorist, Victor Borge, said, “Laughter is the shortest distance between 2 people.” So, my main idea worth teaching dads is the importance of being funnier around their kids and to teach you how controlling our kids with comedy, can make our kids great again, my 3 fuss kids most of the time are living proof of it.

Being funnier around your kids is important because it’s the difference between being a do it all dad and bombing at parenting, which is your kids never wanting to seek your own company again.

Do It All Dads matter because 70 percent of African Americans who end up in jail, are a result of fatherless homes, despite Do It All Grandma’s best efforts.

Do It All Dads matter because only 1 out of 3 kids today with live with their dads. And you wonder why college campuses today require safe spaces to sooth student nerves with Play-Doh whenever big, bad, Ben Shapiro is town.

Do It All Dads matter. The Williams sisters, Tiger Woods, Lonzo Ball and the late great Kobe Bryant can all attribute a larger portion of their success to super involved Do It All Dads.

Still, most of us including myself, can’t even jump over a stapler, let alone dunk out at the Staples Center on TNT for a living. Granted, not all our kids are blessed with God given, natural athletic ability, which is outside of our control.

But what is in dad’s control, is how he choses to interact with his children during the limited time he has, so he can become a consummate scene stealer on his own and that is through being funnier around his kids and making them laugh, than Ted from accounting, no offense. Ted, I’m positive you can be funnier around your kids to.

Start using comedy on your kids early, even when they can only string 2 words together.

My old routine at the deli with my daughter was this. Matilda, what did Tyson Chandler, give the Knicks. She’d say, “Bupkus, daddy, Bupkus.”

The Rod didn’t work out too well for Michael Jackson, and helicopter parents raised a generation of kids suffering from anxiety, who attend pill parties for fun with 13 Reason On Vinyl, who take offense at everything, giving the impression they never had a sense of humor to lose in the 1st place. Controlling your kids with comedy is the sweet spot in the middle.

How did I come up with my concept of controlling my kid with comedy? One day, my 4-year -old son was ranting and raving about going to daycare and I was intent onwriting new jokes as usual from home for my Do It All Dad Year Podcast, while looking after his newborn baby bother. I slapped my 4-year-old son Arthur, on the bum, with mild force, my windup was 2 Mississippi max. Later in the car, the fear of God engulfed my soul, as my son, tells me, “I’m never talking to you ever again.” Now, I was bombing at parenting.

Because for me bombing at parenting is your kids never seeking out your company again. But then my Improv 101 training from UCB and Second City kicked into full gear, and I started to hit my own bum in the car with a fake news spatula. I said, “Art Show, my nickname for my son Arthur, I got it, next time, I get angry, I’ll whip my own ass. Although, don’t use the word ass, because kids repeat naughty curse words, so I’ll make up funnier, safe space alternatives like Anus Hole, that sort of thing.

So the more I starting whipping my own anus hole while driving my son to pre-k, with real menacing fury, my sons tears began to subside and I won my love son’s back, through controlling my son with comedy, which is why getting more laughs from your kids is serious business and the difference between winning your kids back and bombing at parenting forever.

Again, famous humorist Victor Borge, says, “Laughter is the shortest distance between 2 people. So, make your kids laugh more, if you care about getting closer to your kids and not bombing at parenting like Tommy Lee. His son refuses to talk with Tommy, which is awful to hear. If I had Tommy Lee’s son on the Do It All Dad Year Podcast, I’d ask his son, “Are you against seeing your father, because he blew off your all your baseball games as a kid knowing you’d whiffed more than Charlie Sheen at an AVN expo after hours party this year?

How can you control your kids better with comedy?

Talk to your kids like mini adults, even in public. If my baby stinks up Stop and Shop in Mahopac, in our shopping cart, I’ll clarify the depths of his poo and say to my son out loud, “Samuel did you go stink, stink? Son says. “I went pebble poo rock.” And I’ll reply with, “Smells more like, all out of yuck to me.” Dr. Seuss peaked early, so it’s never too late for you to create some funny nicknames to describe your kids dumps to. If my son just pees, I’ll drop his nappy on the floor at home for dramatic, funnier impact. If it makes a dense plop sound, I’ll start singing, “Big Plopping.” So, silly names for your kid’s number one and two’s is way to control your kids with comedy in no time.

At the same time, dads in the audience are thinking, “I’m at work all day and don’t have the time or luxury to work from home like you.” Which makes sense, because only 3.2 percent of American men do. I get it. Our President commented on never having to change his kids diapers because he was doing busy becoming a billionaire. I wish I can make that claim because it would mean I had my shit together for a change. Instead of being an unemployed stay at home comedian whose been fired more than a Palestinian Sling Shot.

The most important part to controlling your kids with comedy and making them laugh more is to stop taking yourself so seriously and to let your hair down at home with your limited stage time with your kids. Quitting Twitter and Facebook is a step in the right direction. I don’t miss my joke gems getting retweeted one bit.

Making out with your kids stuffed dolls like Pineapple Pretty is an effective way to controlling your kids better with comedy. You develop your own Improv routines. But one of mine, is making out with Pineapple Pretty. But I set the stage a bit, saying, “Ooh, Pineapple Pretty, you’re so pretty. I can’t control myself around you Pineapple Pretty.” Before I start to pretend making out with my kid’s stuffed animal, who I nicknamed, Pineapple Pretty, while making plenty of oohing and ahhing sounds in the process. My daughter always defends Pineapple Pretty’s honor and starts pulling Pineapple Pretty away from me saying, “Don’t even think about it, daddy.”

Another way to control your kids better with comedy, is to flatter your kids and emote about their inspired, laugh loud ads libs, which make you laugh long time, so you embolden your kid’s comedic expressiveness like when your 5 year old son yells at your faulty, voice powered speaker and says, “Cortana throw yourself out the window already.” Or when your son pushes you to finish you writing your self-published book, Controlling My Kids With Comedy, A Love Story and says, “Daddy be better be funnier than Weird Al by Christmas or I’ll kill you with our sharpest knife for real.” And then later, have your son do the intro for a Do It All Dad Year Podcast episode, where he says, “Be funnier than Weird Al, or boo hack get off the stage, Dada.” So, by involving your kids into the magic of comedy creation, they develop a greater sense of funny and desire to make their do it dads laugh more to.

Also, darker is always funnier, like the Stinky Cheese Man story for kids, which is a picture book tale about a married couple who is lonely, so they create a baby, known as the Stinky Cheese Man, but end up kicking it out of the house because he stinks up the house and makes their stomachs sick.

Also, another way to make your kids laugh more is to give a voice to dramatized concerns of your kids. For example, one time I gave my son Arthur a friendly hip toss on top of our bed and his bouncy ball spine, almost catapulted him into the dresser as he bounced off the bed. Understand, at first my son was a tad freaked out by the experience. But through using humor, I lightened the mood and said, “Who put a bouncy ball in your spine when I wasn’t looking?” And my son laughed. Now, when I ask my son, if he wants an elevator drop on the bed, I’ll dramatize his concern before I give him the elevator drop, assuming my son’s voice, saying, “Don’t drop me from too high up daddy. I have a ball stuck in my spine, remember? And I can riff off that funny imagined concept forever, which your kids will participate in to keep the scene alive between you. So not only assuming your kid’s voice but imagining things that don’t exist like a bouncy ball in your son’s spine or there being a yellow tail sushi roll in your newborn’s knee will get your kids laughing and closer to you in no time. I’ll go to give my newborn son, a knee nosh and say, “You got any more yellow tail in there? And he’ll say, “No but, I’ve got salmon and avocado in there though.”

Another way to control your kids with comedy is by teaching them funny words in Yiddish, which is a very colorful, expressive language, which makes your kids funnier and more likeable to be around also. For example, whenever our Internet goes out while the kids are watching a show on Hulu or Amazon Prime, my baby boy Samuel will take his sock off and throw it at the TV and yell, “Gevalt” which means, oh my, not again.

Or if my daughter, farts 3 times in a row from field roast burger night, I’ll say, “Gevalt, Gevalt, Gevalt”, in rapid succession. Normally, this results in my daughter Singing Rose, hit me in the arm a couple of times, but it’s worth it. I’m also not saying, “Gevalt, Gevalt, Geval”, with malicious, self-esteem hampering intent like my father calling me a waste of height growing up, while coaching me in junior rec basketball.

Another way to controlling your kids with comedy is to make fun how crappy their art teachers name in elementary school like Mrs. Outhouse. And you can use the power of call back and say, Mrs. Outhouse, what kind of name is that? Is Stinky Cheese Man her soulmate?

And never underestimate the power of surprise. I do this routine called, Falling Putzy Apple Tree. Where my son is lying on the bed, and I’ll say, “ Falling Putzy Apple Tree, part 2”, and I’ll playfully drop my head into my son’s mid-section twice, then I’ll throw off the rhythm and surprise him with Falling Putzy Apple tree, 4,5, 6, booya tribe, and ram my head into his midsection getting my son to laugh. Now, whenever my son watches the Death Star get blown up again in the Star Wars New Hope, he’ll say, “Boo Ya Tribe”, which never grows old, so don’t shy away from using old-school hip-hop lingo to control your kids better with comedy because it never gets old hearing your daughter refer to the past tense as “old school” or “back in the day”, either.

I get it, most dads, don’t feel positive about their roles as fun makers around their kids but just make an extra effort to prize funny over money at home and try to make your kids laugh more, and you’ll start getting more smiles from the window when you come home and more hugs from behind, because kids love back, with ten times more emotional oomph, when you make them feel like the center of your universe instead of the reverse.

So, do it all dad nation, use your kids like open mikes and make the most of your stage time with your kids. Focus on giving the best of your love to your kids now because tomorrow is never guaranteed. Be funnier around your kids because joy is growing closer to our kids while bombing at parenting growing apart. Bombing at parenting isn’t funny, when you’re the one doing it. I recall my daughter once telling me, over us doing kettle bell lunge exercises in the garage to Rocky 4. She says, “Daddy, none of the other girls in my class are close with their dads the way we are.” Granted, I’ve been blessed with opportunity to spend way more time with my daughter from the stay at home comedian work front compared to other dads. Still, “Laughter is the shortest distance between 2 people.” So, the fastest, easiest way to get closer to our kids within your control, is through making an effort to be sillier and more, loosie, goosy around our kids, when the spotlight is on you. You’ve got slacker dads and Kobe, be Kobe. And never forget, controlling our kids with comedy can make our kids great again. My 3 fuss free kids most of the time, are living proof of it.

Michael Kornbluth

 

 

Slacker Dads and Kobe

Joy is unplanned fatherhood and getting closer to my kids than I already am.

But let’s talk about unplanned fatherhood 1st, 3 direct hits later.

I never mastered the art of the pump fake.

Nor was I aware of what attachment parenting is.

It’s turning your bed into an open milk bar for the foreseeable future.

But breast feeding makes your kid’s complexions look extra angelic.

Other kids at day care look like they took a load to a face with an Elmer’s Glue Gun.

Attachment parenting is like planting seeds of self-esteem on steroids.

And your kids will grow up less likely to be pushed around, working for a boiler room IT staffing agency in LA for beggars pay, not understanding the concept of commission while being the only kid who graduated from a top communication school in the country with a debilitating stutter.

Growing up my dad says, “I had gnaw marks on my crib.” Meanwhile, I’m thinking, hey pops, did it ever occur to you, that I was starving to death at the time? Which explains why I almost ate through my fucking crib.

Gen X parents understand our parents moved to the suburbs from the Bronx, not for better school systems but just for another room upstairs for the baby to cry it out in, making the moans of despair easier to bear.

But God didn’t give me 3 kids to have a panic attack over it.

Obviously, God never had the same confidence in Pete Davidson, the boy toy voice of Generation Z.

My wife says, I’ve sacrificed. She acts like an aspiring comedian in his late twenties wanted kids ever.

Children are family upgrades though, who kick your career passions into overdrive, leading to me finally getting my TV writing break at Vh1 Classic, writing all the heavy metal intro reads for WWE Chris Jericho. Halfway into the shoot, Chris Jericho tells me his father played professional hockey in Canada. I reply, “And that’s why your Chris Jericho and I couldn’t dunk a basketball if my life depended on it.”

What I’ve learned from unplanned fatherhood, 3 direct hits later, is why kids love back.

Because you make them feel like the most important center of your universe instead of the reverse.

Because when you say I love you, it doesn’t sound manufactured hoarse like you’re forcing the issue to avoid a divorce.

Famous Humorist, Victor Borge, said, “Laughter is the shortest distance between 2 people.” So, my main idea worth teaching dads is the importance of being funnier around their kids and to teach you how controlling our kids with comedy, can make our kids great again, my 3 fuss kids most of the time are living proof of it.

Being funnier around your kids is important because it’s the difference between being a do it all dad and bombing at parenting, which is your kids never wanting to seek your own company again.

Do It All Dads matter because 70 percent of African Americans who end up in jail, are a result of fatherless homes, despite Do It All Grandma’s best efforts.

Do It All Dads matter because only 1 out of 3 kids today with live with their dads. And you wonder why college campuses today require safe spaces to sooth student nerves with Play-Doh whenever big, bad, Ben Shapiro is town.

Do It All Dads matter. The Williams sisters, Tiger Woods, Lonzo Ball and the late great Kobe Bryant can all attribute a larger portion of their success to super involved Do It All Dads.

Still, most of us including myself, can’t even jump over a stapler, let alone dunk out at the Staples Center on TNT for a living. Granted, not all our kids are blessed with God given, natural athletic ability, which is outside of our control.

But what is in dad’s control, is how he choses to interact with his children during the limited time he has, so he can become a consummate scene stealer on his own and that is through being funnier around his kids and making them laugh, than Ted from accounting, no offense. Ted, I’m positive you can be funnier around your kids to.

Start using comedy on your kids early, even when they can only string 2 words together.

My old routine at the deli with my daughter was this. Matilda, what did Tyson Chandler, give the Knicks. She’d say, “Bupkus, daddy, Bupkus.”

The Rod didn’t work out too well for Michael Jackson, and helicopter parents raised a generation of kids suffering from anxiety, who attend pill parties for fun with 13 Reason On Vinyl, who take offense at everything, giving the impression they never had a sense of humor to lose in the 1st place. Controlling your kids with comedy is the sweet spot in the middle.

How did I come up with my concept of controlling my kid with comedy? One day, my 4-year -old son was ranting and raving about going to daycare and I was intent onwriting new jokes as usual from home for my Do It All Dad Year Podcast, while looking after his newborn baby bother. I slapped my 4-year-old son Arthur, on the bum, with mild force, my windup was 2 Mississippi max. Later in the car, the fear of God engulfed my soul, as my son, tells me, “I’m never talking to you ever again.” Now, I was bombing at parenting.

Because for me bombing at parenting is your kids never seeking out your company again. But then my Improv 101 training from UCB and Second City kicked into full gear, and I started to hit my own bum in the car with a fake news spatula. I said, “Art Show, my nickname for my son Arthur, I got it, next time, I get angry, I’ll whip my own ass. Although, don’t use the word ass, because kids repeat naughty curse words, so I’ll make up funnier, safe space alternatives like Anus Hole, that sort of thing.

So the more I starting whipping my own anus hole while driving my son to pre-k, with real menacing fury, my sons tears began to subside and I won my love son’s back, through controlling my son with comedy, which is why getting more laughs from your kids is serious business and the difference between winning your kids back and bombing at parenting forever.

Again, famous humorist Victor Borge, says, “Laughter is the shortest distance between 2 people. So, make your kids laugh more, if you care about getting closer to your kids and not bombing at parenting like Tommy Lee. His son refuses to talk with Tommy, which is awful to hear. If I had Tommy Lee’s son on the Do It All Dad Year Podcast, I’d ask his son, “Are you against seeing your father, because he blew off your all your baseball games as a kid knowing you’d whiffed more than Charlie Sheen at an AVN expo after hours party this year?

How can you control your kids better with comedy?

Talk to your kids like mini adults, even in public. If my baby stinks up Stop and Shop in Mahopac, in our shopping cart, I’ll clarify the depths of his poo and say to my son out loud, “Samuel did you go stink, stink? Son says. “I went pebble poo rock.” And I’ll reply with, “Smells more like, all out of yuck to me.” Dr. Seuss peaked early, so it’s never too late for you to create some funny nicknames to describe your kids dumps to. If my son just pees, I’ll drop his nappy on the floor at home for dramatic, funnier impact. If it makes a dense plop sound, I’ll start singing, “Big Plopping.” So, silly names for your kid’s number one and two’s is way to control your kids with comedy in no time.

At the same time, dads in the audience are thinking, “I’m at work all day and don’t have the time or luxury to work from home like you.” Which makes sense, because only 3.2 percent of American men do. I get it. Our President commented on never having to change his kids diapers because he was doing busy becoming a billionaire. I wish I can make that claim because it would mean I had my shit together for a change. Instead of being an unemployed stay at home comedian whose been fired more than a Palestinian Sling Shot.

The most important part to controlling your kids with comedy and making them laugh more is to stop taking yourself so seriously and to let your hair down at home with your limited stage time with your kids. Quitting Twitter and Facebook is a step in the right direction. I don’t miss my joke gems getting retweeted one bit.

Making out with your kids stuffed dolls like Pineapple Pretty is an effective way to controlling your kids better with comedy. You develop your own Improv routines. But one of mine, is making out with Pineapple Pretty. But I set the stage a bit, saying, “Ooh, Pineapple Pretty, you’re so pretty. I can’t control myself around you Pineapple Pretty.” Before I start to pretend making out with my kid’s stuffed animal, who I nicknamed, Pineapple Pretty, while making plenty of oohing and ahhing sounds in the process. My daughter always defends Pineapple Pretty’s honor and starts pulling Pineapple Pretty away from me saying, “Don’t even think about it, daddy.”

Another way to control your kids better with comedy, is to flatter your kids and emote about their inspired, laugh loud ads libs, which make you laugh long time, so you embolden your kid’s comedic expressiveness like when your 5 year old son yells at your faulty, voice powered speaker and says, “Cortana throw yourself out the window already.” Or when your son pushes you to finish you writing your self-published book, Controlling My Kids With Comedy, A Love Story and says, “Daddy be better be funnier than Weird Al by Christmas or I’ll kill you with our sharpest knife for real.” And then later, have your son do the intro for a Do It All Dad Year Podcast episode, where he says, “Be funnier than Weird Al, or boo hack get off the stage, Dada.” So, by involving your kids into the magic of comedy creation, they develop a greater sense of funny and desire to make their do it dads laugh more to.

Also, darker is always funnier, like the Stinky Cheese Man story for kids, which is a picture book tale about a married couple who is lonely, so they create a baby, known as the Stinky Cheese Man, but end up kicking it out of the house because he stinks up the house and makes their stomachs sick.

Also, another way to make your kids laugh more is to give a voice to dramatized concerns of your kids. For example, one time I gave my son Arthur a friendly hip toss on top of our bed and his bouncy ball spine, almost catapulted him into the dresser as he bounced off the bed. Understand, at first my son was a tad freaked out by the experience. But through using humor, I lightened the mood and said, “Who put a bouncy ball in your spine when I wasn’t looking?” And my son laughed. Now, when I ask my son, if he wants an elevator drop on the bed, I’ll dramatize his concern before I give him the elevator drop, assuming my son’s voice, saying, “Don’t drop me from too high up daddy. I have a ball stuck in my spine, remember? And I can riff off that funny imagined concept forever, which your kids will participate in to keep the scene alive between you. So not only assuming your kid’s voice but imagining things that don’t exist like a bouncy ball in your son’s spine or there being a yellow tail sushi roll in your newborn’s knee will get your kids laughing and closer to you in no time. I’ll go to give my newborn son, a knee nosh and say, “You got any more yellow tail in there? And he’ll say, “No but, I’ve got salmon and avocado in there though.”

Another way to control your kids with comedy is by teaching them funny words in Yiddish, which is a very colorful, expressive language, which makes your kids funnier and more likeable to be around also. For example, whenever our Internet goes out while the kids are watching a show on Hulu or Amazon Prime, my baby boy Samuel will take his sock off and throw it at the TV and yell, “Gevalt” which means, oh my, not again.

Or if my daughter, farts 3 times in a row from field roast burger night, I’ll say, “Gevalt, Gevalt, Gevalt”, in rapid succession. Normally, this results in my daughter Singing Rose, hit me in the arm a couple of times, but it’s worth it. I’m also not saying, “Gevalt, Gevalt, Geval”, with malicious, self-esteem hampering intent like my father calling me a waste of height growing up, while coaching me in junior rec basketball.

Another way to controlling your kids with comedy is to make fun how crappy their art teachers name in elementary school like Mrs. Outhouse. And you can use the power of call back and say, Mrs. Outhouse, what kind of name is that? Is Stinky Cheese Man her soulmate?

And never underestimate the power of surprise. I do this routine called, Falling Putzy Apple Tree. Where my son is lying on the bed, and I’ll say, “ Falling Putzy Apple Tree, part 2”, and I’ll playfully drop my head into my son’s mid-section twice, then I’ll throw off the rhythm and surprise him with Falling Putzy Apple tree, 4,5, 6, booya tribe, and ram my head into his midsection getting my son to laugh. Now, whenever my son watches the Death Star get blown up again in the Star Wars New Hope, he’ll say, “Boo Ya Tribe”, which never grows old, so don’t shy away from using old-school hip-hop lingo to control your kids better with comedy because it never gets old hearing your daughter refer to the past tense as “old school” or “back in the day”, either.

I get it, most dads, don’t feel positive about their roles as fun makers around their kids but just make an extra effort to prize funny over money at home and try to make your kids laugh more, and you’ll start getting more smiles from the window when you come home and more hugs from behind, because kids love back, with ten times more emotional oomph, when you make them feel like the center of your universe instead of the reverse.

So, do it all dad nation, use your kids like open mikes and make the most of your stage time with your kids. Focus on giving the best of your love to your kids now because tomorrow is never guaranteed. Be funnier around your kids because joy is growing closer to our kids while bombing at parenting growing apart. Bombing at parenting isn’t funny, when you’re the one doing it. I recall my daughter once telling me, over us doing kettle bell lunge exercises in the garage to Rocky 4. She says, “Daddy, none of the other girls in my class are close with their dads the way we are.” Granted, I’ve been blessed with opportunity to spend way more time with my daughter from the stay at home comedian work front compared to other dads. Still, “Laughter is the shortest distance between 2 people.” So, the fastest, easiest way to get closer to our kids within your control, is through making an effort to be sillier and more, loosie, goosy around our kids, when the spotlight is on you. You’ve got slacker dads and Kobe, be Kobe. And never forget, controlling our kids with comedy can make our kids great again. My 3 fuss free kids most of the time, are living proof of it.

Michael Kornbluth

Do It All Dads Cook

Do It All Dad Year is a dad doing everything. Do it All Dads cook. Do It All Dads do dishes. Do It All Dads even do all-star dish reviews, on his father son, dish review show, Better Than Boobie. Do It All Dads host a podcast, trying to make the universe laugh for a living. Do It All Dads self-publish books, with no guaranteed payday in sight. Do It All Dads record a comedy album from home and sell it on I-Tunes to make weird, weak Howard Stern jealous. Do It All Dad even filld out his own Father’s Day card to let his wife off the hook. Because she works evenings at the NICU, revitalizing blue faced, newborn babies, which me makes this stay at home comedian/book author/retired Do It All Dad Year Podcast Host feel like a total self-absorbed narcissist, because all I check for is more retweets.

Joy is your daughter’s 2nd grade teacher emoting about your mystery reader performance in class, insisting you should be hosting your own kids show already. Fine, I added the already. Comedic exaggeration 101, you can do it to. You’re welcome.

Joy is your son insisting the people in your modern made, hipster motel in Vermont took a peak at your book, left there intentionally by your bedside, saying, “I saw a finger mark on it dada. They totally took a peak dada.”

Joy is self-publishing your books and your kids stacking their bookshelves with them to showcase, compared to your parents who hide your published short stories from Fires and Knives in the bar because all their friends are Jewish who don’t drink hard alcohol or old school bottles of Smirnoff refilled with H20 tap water, regardless of it’s from New York state or not. So the short stories like Anthony Bourdain Rips My Frozen Lunch Apart get less touches than a bible in a bath house colony in Provincetown.

Joy is getting published by the Good Men Project 22 times in a year, despite it still not securing my good guy, non-divisive status and having them take down your post Disorder In the Doll House without a warning, only to make that chapter your opening one in Do It All Dad Jokes.

Joy is recordijg a comedy album Resist This from your home sweet home, consisting of your greatest hits from the Do It All Dad Year Podcast and getting your old sales boss to rave about it, giving you LMAO reviews in return.

Joy is developing a strong, later in life friendship with a man who treats you like a hungry winner, instead of a blood related brother, who tries to kick you while you’re down acting like your down and out permanently.

Joy is getting motivated to do a Ted Talk, after seeing an Obama clone disciple who claims all technology is racist, boring you to near death in the process. Imagine that Ted Talks having a Q&A session? Are the pink pocket rockets vibrators sold in the non-gentrified part in Harlem, racist, for making the assumption, they’re superior to the Lexington Steele drill series outie five thousands?

How else would I define my do it all dad year?

I’d define it as the year I served Lady Laugh with all my punchy, fighting might, intent on pleasing his wife and his 3 fuss free kids most of the time in the process.

The say, “gratitude is a sign of noble souls.” And when you don’t bring home the bacon for 3 year straight, you tend to look in deep and give thanks and praises for the best of what’s around.

During my do it all dad year, I aborted my Kosher diet for vegetarianism, excluding fish filets at McDonalds’ and smoked salmon scramble if I want to reward myself for a stronger writing week than usual.

My Do It All Dad Year has revolved my life around marrying my dream of becoming a best-selling author and talent represented comedian already, while getting paid to spend more time with my kids, to rise from slug to stud, as the voice behind the remote work revolution. Still working on the paid part and brining home more than veggie bacon for my kids.

Joy is freedom to pursue the work you want to do. But that freedom isn’t made possible without investors in you, believers in you, super angel investors in you, Sugar Mama’s like Anis Nin was for Henry Miller during his Paris hooking, STD snagging years.

Joy is those you love invested and rooting for your success in what you want to achieve.

Stay at home dads are sheltered bums, until I start bringing home money, and not the veggie kind, I don’t blame the prognosis.

Joy is growing closer to my children.

Joy is getting laughs and more yummy dances from my kids in celebration of another all-star do it dad dish creation.

Joy is getting closer to my kids through blasting old school hair metal and hip-hop classic records at home when mama’s at work not to complain about it, favoring more mellow strummings, of Indie Rock bands like Petrified Forrest instead.

Joy is more dance contests galore, your kids making up their own version of act out Charade Mad Libs, and doing tackle basketball upstairs, doing drawing contests and having your son’s Iron Man creation make your illustration look lifeless slow in comparison.

Joy is going on an adventurous road trip up to Woodstock to, treck through a swimming hole, which was more rugged intense to do with 2 kids and a newborn in hand than anticipated.

Joy is throwing your daughter around the pool this summer, never wanting the shrieks of joy to end.

Joy is teaching your kid’s about Solomon’s book of proverbs instead attending a synagogue you can’t afford yet.

Joy is more typhoon swirls in the pool this summer with my newborn and freaking out the locals, with breaking baby, part 2222222222222.

Joy is yucking it up with my kids with my phone nowhere near in sight.

 

Joy is my kids heckling the Internet for going out already and my youngest son throwing his sock at the TV, yelling, “Gevalt, gevalt.”

Joy is your kids getting to know you, so they discourage you from pursuing a writer job in New Jersey because it’s such a “stinky schlep”, and you won’t be able to do the writing you wanted anyway.

Joy is banging out a new blog and podcast and being able to feel job satisfaction while hanging out with your 3 kids later to enjoy the fruits of your laugh producing labor.

Joy is getting my kids to laugh at how whiny they sound.

Joy is getting more yummy dances from my kids after sampling another Do It All Dad Hit Creation.

Joy is getting my kids to laugh at how loosey, goosey dad, is compared to serious, all work, no play dad on Adderall.

Joy is more smiles from kids in the window.

Joy is hugs from my kids behind me.

Joy is getting out of your head.

Joy is playing tackle nerf basketball with your son and daughter and relishing them kicking your ass as a team, especially with your sister dunking with big time resounding authority for attacking the nerf rim with rip roaring authority every time.

Joy is pitching your daughter whiffle balls in your garden and having her go yard 10 times in a row earning the new nickname 10 Homer Daily.

Joy is my sons not outgrowing their love of shoulder rides on top of Dada yet. And covering my ears, before saying, “Earmuffs, Dada.”

Joy is your kids expressing themselves creatively, which they learn from their dads, more so than moms. Because moms are usually the homemaker, disciplinarians, types. Sorry, I didn’t make up the rules, and I wear both hats, vagina hat, not included, so f off.

Joy is the beautiful hum my kids make playing imaginary teacher, otherwise known as mom and honey, which fills the house with pure blasting life boy.

Joy is the moment before you change your son’s nappy and he says, “Pebble Poo Rock Or All Out Yuck?”

Joy is tripling down on your own brand of specialness, with your kids by side till you cross the funny man finish line into funny man employment land, and your kids and wife, your home team, chant in your ear,
“ I knew you would do it, daddy, never doubted your ability to rise from slug to paid stud for a second.”

Joy is raising fearless artists, like my daughter performing in Little Mermaid Play when she couldn’t even read yet, despite my wife’s protests. Wife says, “Acting camp, she can’t even read yet.” My reply? “Will watch Rocky 2 with her again for pointers.”

Joy is my son getting rave reviews during his art show in pre-k, proving talent is never ambiguous. When grown blue collar, men who look like they make a good living, not like your typical office drone putz, no offense. And they’ll say, “Arthur’s got talent.”

Joy is seeing your kid start the car for you and letting his big sister dress him without fussing.

Joy is your son requesting more Beach Boys or Jimmy in the car or rocking hard to Metallica’s Moth into the Flame in the car, with rambunctious, unsurpassed joy that if recorded would go viral.

Joy is your son Art Show USA dancing up a storm at my wife’s best friend wedding, pulling off his shirt like Michael Jackson with the buttons popping off but looking less showy forced about it.

Joy is my son Samuel Chosen Curls Was Bound to Woo turn heads, playing the harmonica in the middle of DiCicco’s, Italian grocery store with the best beer selectin of all time. You’re welcome again.

Joy is my son letting daddy go long, doing jokes at TD Bank again because he knows this is what daddy does to keep his spirits afloat as a still non reppes, stay at home comedian dad, with no staff writer job offers or commercial auditions in sight because I’ve haven’t finished my Do It All Dad Ted Talk on how controlling our kids with comedy can make our kids great, so my video can’t go viral just yet.

Joy is listening to Frank on Vinyl and having your kids devour your homemade penne vodka, minus the Kettle one vodka made one of old, knowing, childhood is fleeting, so you soak in another yummy dance in your honor, because every other nosh they take after is a win, win.

Michael Kornbluth

Use Your Kids Like Open Mikes

God gave men kids to provide social variety away from mama. So don’t be a lazy brain and half ass your attempt at winning your kid’s hearts with watching more Man City on the Teli around your kids or grandchildren because you’re such an informed, evolved history buff, especially when your kids are hard core American Dad Enthusiasts, if Child Services forced them to take a lie detector test, after Do It All Dad in Divorce Court, insists on fighting for 50 percent custody, after proclaiming in court defending himself like Lenny Bruce without the career, proclaiming, “American Dad is educational. How else will my children know W, married a librarian from Texas, who married into the Illuminati. Who still acts better than other first ladies like Melania or Hillary Hammer Time Cankles? At least Hillary tried to get rich or die trying bitch.

I read an article on Fatherly.com claiming Dads, normally not too involved, during their marriage, become more involved Dads with their kids after they get divorced because the wife is no longer facilitating the conversation at the dinner table. Personally, I’ve never had this problem, because I’m the loudmouth New Yorker, not her, who’s louder than Busta Rhymes at a midnight showing of Higher Learning. The Yankees win a playoff game last year. The next morning, I tell my daughter, “The Yankees won. ” She replies, “I heard.” You’re the reason New York City and all of Northern Westchester never sleeps. I’ll always cherish my sleepy father in law’s embrace my bombastic, ultra-chatty personality during my 1st sit down dinner with my girlfriend, now wife and a married couple I haven’t seen since. Halfway into me scoring a steady stream of laugh yanks from this married couple, my father in law blurts with annoyed disgust, “He talks more than the other one.” Meaning, the borderline mute finance my wife was planned to marry before we met, which I was never aware of till way after the fact for what’s worth. I don’t want prospective employers to think I’m a Mute Man Marriage Wrecker. “He talks more than the other one.” Translation, I live in Delaware away from Jew York for a reason. Give me an H1-B developer to conduct code review with, who needs subtitles in order to be understood, over having to spend one more sec around the charming New York Jew, whose making my lack of stage presence in comparison, become more pronounced depressing by the second. So much for my one meeting with my mental health specialist, resolving any latent anger resentment issues remaining.

The reality is, if I wasn’t a talker, none of my kids would’ve have recognized my voice out of the womb, and that would’ve been tragic for my children, when even mommy, admits the following about our lucky number three, “Baby Samuel gets bored when he spends too much time with me. ” Always knew the kid was the quick leaner. Can I get a holla for a big time raise the roof, the best is yet come, Challah? First time I came up with that expression to use on my Do It All Dad Year Podcast, my wife, huffs with extreme displeasure at the dinner table, insisting I was being 2 years into open mike stand-up comedy obscure, by trying to dumb dad shame me in front our 3 kids, stating, “What does that even mean? Can I get a holla for some Challah? It means can I get some props for a money, mo bread making line, babe.” My 3 kids didn’t have to understand the symbolic or literal extrapolated definition of my new rock-solid gold A Plus catchphrase in the making, because kids respond more to pumped up silly, than jaded, lifeless, droll troll verbosity.

One time, I gave my son a gentle hip toss on top of our bed, forgetting Art Show possess a bouncy ball spine, which sent Feather Foot flying off the bed inches away from smashing his head into the dresser from the sheer powerful bounce off the bed. Earlier tonight, he came into say hello when I was writing and I asked him he he wanted an elevator lift drop, but before lifting him up high , I give a voice to his own internal thoughts and say, “Daddy, don’t get carried away, with your elevator lift drop, I still have a bouncy ball stuck in my spine remember?” And my pitch perfect son laughs long time again. But if I wasn’t constantly talking around my son inside the womb and out, or using humor to help diffuse potentially traumatic, accidental dramatic situations, my children would suffer from anxiety like Kevin Love, despite him being NBA royalty, banging everything that moved at UCLA I’m assuming, owning an NBA ring, and never shamed for forgetting Lebron’s elaborate, inner sanctum, safe space, frat boy conjuring hand slap dances on the TNT.

Do you need to be a laugh hog in order to be a good parent? No, but you better recognize the importance of bringing the funny old man, or else, your kids will tune into mama, like the dronish, Scarlett Johansson in the movie Divorced, and she never struck me as a lightening rod of electric conversational might, AI, enhanced in her, in Her or if she’s the beneficiary of a Woody Allen punched up personality during his Scarlet Johansson phase or not. What was Woody’s new film supposed to be about again? Let me guess, some old creep who bangs a teenager again, called, Crimes and Misdemeanors, the Early Years. He took Kodak pictures of Sun Yee, only to stuff them in his top sock drawer, for safe keeping. The only thing missing was an old copy of Sun Yee on the cover of Time Life Magazine.

Does Soon Yee even have vocal cords? So, what’s my point? Boring kids is bad parenting. And F empathy, just be funnier old man. Your kids or grandkids fading interest in your company depends on it. Use your kids as open mikes, take creative chances, add levity to the situation instead of freaking out in disproportion to your kid spilling a drink at the dinner table. In Iran, they throw gays off roof tops after castration, so I’d say, we let our kid’s off light because the Media will be freaking out regardless anyway. Because our kids learn to laugh at our mistakes, in addition to American comedy exceptionalism, not on Al Jazeera or detected on Late Night with Stephen Colbert these days, whose command of funny these days, is like the state of our union, shaky.

I don’t want to be best supporting dad. That’s like winning best side bitch. Dads today are expected to do more than just get their wives pregnant every other 2 years, planned or not. So, try bossing through clowning around your kids more. It works, and don’t overuse your yelling voice or your kid won’t be able to distinguish you from CNN. Act like you’re genuinely excited to make your children happy, relying own your personality and imagination, instead of outsourcing their children’s entertainment to Baby Yoda and the mope maligned, Millennial Mouseketeer Darth Vader, the most petulant, annoying, grandson addition to an ex iconic franchise, I could give to BB 8 shits about.

Boring kids is bad parenting. You act like you want nothing to do with your only divorced daughter. You want to act like date night every Friday night is so much important than making sure she’s dealing with her new half baby brother, removing any remaining spotlight in her honor away from her, with your new wife, fine. No wonder I can feel the embedded jealousy, as I lift my son for an ariel double decker knee nosh sandwich for the road.

Social Justice is Dad proving he’s got the tools necessary to outshine scary mommy on the big stage, if he cares about about being more than mama’s side bitch underling forever. I’m very proud of raising kids who respect and recognize funny. There’s actual hope Do It All Dad Nation, for you to reclaim your status as the leading in-house star attraction of your house. It’s our last safe space for politically incorrect humor. Be a family man clown hero for your kids. Do you want your best friend to be the final speaker for your eulogy? I’d rather have my 1st born daughter, close the ceremony and own the room and start with, “Thanks for the laughs Daddy. Good luck trying to tune out my Dad out now God. You thought Joan Rivers sounds like a loudmouth on the rag. I just hope daddy opens with proven material and doesn’t wing it, unless he wants the challenge of coming back to life after dying the moment, he broke on through to the other side, where only the lady laugh lover clowns roam.”