Stephen Miller’s Greatest Hits

How many White Nationalists live in Kenya? Is there a movie Kenya Bush Burning streaming on Netflix? When Richard Pryor went to Africa did he ever utter I hate Kenyan Nazi’s? Did Baby Face Omar grow up on Venice Beach in the 90’s?

How is Minnesota House Rep. Ilhan Omar such an authority on White Nationalism? Was Higher Learning airing on her free trip to Minnesota? Would it make her feel better if the new Metrodome was shaped like a retractable Hijab instead?

Baby Face Omar calls herself an intersectional feminist. Ok, so maybe, she needed more than 3 months to learn the nuances of our native English language. Intersectional feminist, means what? She can’t decide whether she’s gender fluid or not?

Baby Face Omar at Katz Deli with Chuck Schumer.
Mia Farrow would’ve adopted you after she dumped the Jewish perv. Are Muslims allowed tongue? What about white fish salad? Am I being too New York Jewish pushy for your taste?

According to Baby Face Omar, either you’re a white nationalist or your cool with endorsing complete lawlessness with Keith Ellison’s favorite Borders Are Bull Shit Undershirt. A very sophisticated world view. I admit.

Baby Face Omar at the photo shoot for the cover of Rolling Stone.
Loosen up Omar. Just think despite Stephen Miller’s resistance Sharia Law won. Those are some pearly whites Omar. Are there good dentists in Kenya? Because all Jewish dentists are crooked.

Memo to Baby Face Omar
White Nationalists burn crosses down south.
Stephen Miller is a Jew from Santa Monica, California.
I don’t see Stephen Miller eating pulled pork sandwiches with the CEO My Pillow to discuss Pink Floyd the Wall either.

I wonder what my old Media Studies teacher at Ithaca College has to say about the Baby Face Omar phenom today.

All the Jews in the media hate themselves for not sticking up to this racist runt. I got tenure, so fuck it.

Stephen Miller is a speech writer for President Trump. Name one instance Baby Face Omar, where any Trump speech uttered the white nationalist unification slogan, Make Nazi Germany Great Again? Still waiting you Jew lover you.

 

Baby Face Omar and Stephen Miller stuck in an Elevator.
Do they have Candid Camera in Kenya? Wait, you’re too young to catch that reference. Did you ever see America’s Funniest Home Videos in Kenya? Bob Saget host, infidel, tall Jew like me.

Baby Face Omar hates Jews in power. The nicest thing she would say about the Jews is how despite the Muslims inventing Math, Jews being money hungry rats, perform better at standardized tests because they’re all about the cheddar.

The End,

By,

Michael Kornbluth

 

Do It All Dad’s 2 Hours Off

INT. POTTERY FACTORY B-DAY PARTY
Mom
Arthur is here.
Birthday Girl shrugs, acting like she can’t be bothered.
Stay At Home Comedian
Get over yourself kid, you’re no Demi Moore in the making.

INT. BAR-DAY
New Bud
She doesn’t know who Lauryn Hill is.
Stay At Home Comedian
I forgot what Millennial Mouseketeer Bubble I was infiltrating. I’m the crazy non bald-head Fugees nation. I wonder if Chappelle ever banged her.

Failing to close on my daughter on watching #Wrestlemania today.
It’s the 1st all female main event.

Daughter replies.

And you’re just going to make me feel bad for not being as bad ass as they are. And my feelings are real daddy.

INT. BEDROOM
Daughter
On this card, is says mommy loves your handwriting. Which we all know is impossible. This proves mama was in love with you once upon a time in Brooklyn. When Lena Dunham had skinnier arms and wasn’t so full of herself.

INT. Microbrewery
Stay At Home Comedian
They should make a Coors Light flavored toothpaste, so I don’t taste anything afterwards.

Bartender laughs long time.

INT. HOME
Stay At Home Comedian
Babe, do you want one more puff?
Wife
Someone has to parent.
Stay At Home Comedian
If the kids misbehave, just order Alexa to play Bjork on repeat.

The one thing a Do It All Dad doesn’t want to hear on a Sunday before getting his power hour write on.

“Can someone play with me?”

Good to know my wife is busy parenting as usual. Nothing is gonna stop her now.

INT. HOME-NIGHT
Stay At Home Comedian
Babe, do you want one more puff?
Wife
Someone has to parent.
Stay At Home Comedian
It’s already getting late. So you read a chapter of Ivy and Bean to the kids with stony glazed wonderment.

INT. BAR-DAY
MILF
You look like a celebrity.
Stay At Home Comedian
Your star fucking me with your eyes right now, aren’t you?
But yeah, I get confused for Vince Vaughn before he let himself go from good living, good living.

INT. BAR-DAY
MILF
I’ll have whatever white you have.
That’s dry like me.
Stay At Home Comedian
That’s nothing a pair of Juicy sweats and me grinding you from behind, can’t solve in your dreams.

INT. HOME
Wife’s Friend
Men should barbeque meat.
Stay At Home Comedian
But I made the salsa, marinated the meat, cleaned the house and busy entertaining a husband who can’t stand you already, future baby or not.

INT. HOME
Wife’s Friend
Men should barbeque meat.
Stay At Home Comedian
But I marinated it and busy entertaining your husband more than you ever could. But good luck competing with Motley Crue’s Too Fast for Love in the garage.

A dirty white boy, wheel barreled dirt in to fill potholes along a highway in Michigan because his mom and grandmother got a flat tire on it prior. Rashida Tlaib accused him of Islamaphobia because he doesn’t support UN funded death tunnels.

INT. POTTERY FACTORY B-DAY PARTY
Mom
Arthur is here.
Birthday Girl shrugs, acting like she can’t be bothered.
Stay At Home Comedian
Nice fairy wings, I didn’t know Tinkerbell was more passive aggressive than my mother.

INT. HOUSE
Daughter
Daddy this card mommy wrote you says, I love how you kiss Blondie.
Whose Blondie?
Stay At Home Comedian
Time for foreplay before you 3 children were born. Turning our bed into a 24/7 open milk bar.

Beto looks better in a speedo than Obama, most likely, compares President Trump to the 3rd Reich? But sequels never live up to the original Edward Burns Lee.

Is it me or does the news cycle now feel like the gutted ghost of Christmas collusion miracle busts pasts?

INT. GROCERY STORE
Worker
Hanging out with daddy today?
Daughter
Daddy, always hangs out with us.
Stay At Home Comedian
I do a podcast and wrote 2 books about getting paid to hang out with them more. I want my world to revolve my 3 kids, unlike others.

Kids discover a box of old I love this about you and us cue cards from my wife.
Daddy, do you want too see how big your naughty pile is?
I bet it’s thick.
Yes it is daddy.
God, this conversation isn’t my fault.
Forgive me please.

 

INT. CAR
Son
I was the only 1 at the party without a parent.
Stay At Home Comedian
Mommy, told me different.
Plus, mommy has more time away from you than I do.
Last, you’re happy now and you look all grownz up.  You’re a fucking bear and you’re all grownz up and all you’re grownz up. And I couldn’t be prouder of my stud alert on the loose.

The End

By,

Michael Kornbluth

Unplanned Fan Favorites

MSNBC defending Joe Biden.
America needs a Joe Biden hug because Rape Wood’s most watched endorsed news channel knows best.

Beyonce walking out of a Reebok meeting because it’s not diverse enough. I don’t see enough light skinned Nubian beauties thicker around the waist and busted in the face compared to me makeup on or not.

INT. DICKS
Stay At Home Comedian
A practice putting green.
Now, my sons don’t have to get bored to death reading Jack Welch’s business book because I already did. In summary, rich business people play golf, so don’t suck at it.

Cher defending Joe Biden.
He’s a safe hugger. David Geffen who I used to bang turned into a full blown homosexual banging Calvin Klein models rejects left and right. So, I’m a real authority on the subject of pure intention based huggers.

INT. DAYCARE
Kids are putting together an extra long Duplo creation together.

Mrs. Russo
It’s so long.
Stay At Home Comedian
That’s what Pamela Lee said.

Mrs. Russo laughs long time and her chest wiggles with delight.

Great Aunt calls.
Left you a VM about meeting you guys for Brunch. I never listened to the message. If you don’t listen to your voicemails, you won’t know what messages you got. But you’re telling me now, right?

Good Will Hoodie, you know Zit Face Zuck proposes regulating political immigration speech. He’s worse than the Pope. How will you regulate political immigration speech? Declare Sharia Law on Facebook and rebrand it Hijab Book?

INT. COURTHOUSE
Judge
I was a big fan of your show.
Sometimes, you were a bit crude.
Craig Carton
Is this a sentencing or you trying to show the Bailiff you know what a parlay is without having to Google it?

In honor of Kurt Cobain. Who I love despite killing off Ratt’s brand of shimmering, hair metal sleaze.

Courtney Love is Mia Farrow with better husband selection.

INT. COURTHOUSE
Judge
1st time, long time.
Craig Carton
You’re not good with Twitter are you?
Sentence me already, you joyless wench.

Gillette’s latest and greatest campaign features obese Trans models. No offense, but my entire attraction to Trans Models stems from their zero percent stomach fat and statuesque long legs compared to my wife, no offense.

INT. CARTERS
Worker
Interested in our mailing list for coupons?
Stay At Home Comedian
4 kids would really piss my parents off but I’ll pass.
Sperm implanter or Sperm terminator isn’t up to me.
I got no reproductive rights babe, remember?

The Doors by Oliver Stone could be his best film after Born on the Fourth. Platoon is great obviously but Charlie Sheen is no Val Kilmer. Plus, I read Charlie Sheen sodomized Lucas. So he can go fuck himself and get HIV again.

A Gyro burrito in a spinach wrap with feta, banana peppers, rice and bomb Tzatziki when you can taste the fresh cut dill is worth rolling a fatty for before housing one later. I enjoyed mine sober off adderall but still.

INT. BAKERY
Stay At Home Comedian
The Emoji cookie where he’s grinding his exposed teeth looking like Jill Biden inside.
Bakery Lady
I like Joe Biden
Stay At Home Comedian
You should let him use your granddaughter for a stage prop then.

INT. CARTERS
Worker
What’s your email?
Stay At Home Dad Comedian
Doitalldadyear@outlook.com.
My wife is pushing for a vasectomy.
So I don’t need any coupons for any future unplanned fan favorites of me.
Sperm Terminator is my future.

The End

By,

Michael Kornbluth

Flax Seeds Are Off The List Honestly

Do It All Dad Advice
Son, never tell a girl to hold it.
Can you please hold it? Would work in your favor though.

INT. CAR
Stay At Home Comedian
I think my Dunkin Donuts turkey sausage power breakfast on flatbread needs more flaxseeds. Eating it was like going down on a bird feeder.

Watching the Doors with my kids.
Aren’t those canals in Venice Beach cool?
I want to live there.
It’s become a giant tent street.
Moonlight drives are no longer as scenic.
Tripping on acid there could get ugly real fast also.

INT. STOP AND SHOP
Cashier
Do you have ID?
Stay At Home Comedian
Pretend I’m an illegal alien who can’t speak a word of English.

VP Joe Biden skinny dipping in his DE estate home surrounded by Secret Service detail.
Told you I was bigger than boogie boarder.

Explaining the MAGA hat to my kids.
The hate represents unapologetic pride in American exceptionalism. In other words, it’s a huge middle finger directed at every sore loser whose made the past 2 years a living hell for parties.

Mushy Soy Boy trying too hard to prove he’s no toxic masculinity offender on a 1st date with Natasha Romanoff’s baby sister. I think all women of Russian descent should be given equal access to Russian Spy job openings in the KGB.

Int. Bedroom
Wife
Can you put Broccoli in your peanut noodle dish next time?
Stay At Home Comedian
I was thinking carrots instead. My dish, my call. But I appreciate your effort to turn me into a neutered hipster, fake feminist.

INT. Car
Stay At Home Comedian
500 podcasts downloads in one day, means the Do It All Dad Year Podcast is cooking. There’s no other young voice out there which can compare.
Daughter
You mean no other 20 year old’s host a podcast?

EXT. HOUSE
Stay At Home Comedian
Matilda, call me a pussy if I whip out my North Face fleece for a 2 second walk to the deli.

2 seconds later.

Daughter
You fulfilled your pussy prophecy dad, congratulations, you big pussy.

INT. KITCHEN

Stay At Home Comedian

You were crushing the whiffle ball yesterday Matilda, going yard every time.

Daughter
When Cody at school hits a home run he calls it a dinger.

Stay At Home Comedian

Great your 2nd grade crush is Mr. Ding Donger in the flesh.

Whenever I hear the mention of low wage labor on droning Mark Levin podcasts, I become ashamed about my IT Recruiter background in LA knowing I could’ve made more money selling oranges to acid freaks on Venice Beach.

Explaining Shamans to my kids with the Doors on.
Shamans are medicine men who heal sick people after they puke out peyote buttons.

Felicity Hoffman at the Bel Air Country Club with the girls.

If she wanted to be an actress, her shitty SAT scores wouldn’t matter. Can you picture Cher feeling the need to increase her word power, trying to converse with Greg Allman?

Kids getting jealous over Bruce Lee.
Daddy, what’s one thing Bruce Lee wasn’t good at?
Fart control from too much soy.

Nothing gets me more pumped than reading John Cho leads the cast for the live action adaptation of Cowboy Bebop. Does he play the Asian version of a blind Charlie Parker? Who laid down tracks on the Orient Express before he gets signed by Columbia Records?

 

Son bitching about his big sister.
Matilda, always wants to play family. And I’m tired of playing the white dad whose always apologizing like an ineffectual pussy like every heartbroken putz in a Chicago Song. How can I go on?

The main event for Wrestlemania this year has Ronda Rousey, Becky Lynch and Charlotte Flair in a Triple Threat match. If you have zero interest in watching this match, then your toxic masculinity doesn’t bother you one bit.

Asshole Observation
On the book cover of Reese Witherspoon’s southern goth lifestyle meets Bel Air chic cookbook, Whiskey in a Teacup, she’s covering her chin with a teacup on purpose. Friends in it aren’t as flattering in polka dots either.

INT. DELI
Stay At Home Comedian
A bag would be great.
I’ll do it myself. Thanks for nothing.

INT. HOME
Stay At Home Comedian
Play Honestly by Stryper at my funeral.
Wife
Write a living will then.
Stay At Home Comedian
I’ve got 2 best sellers to finish 1st.
Or else the rest of my will won’t have much to give.

 

INT. HOME
Stay At Home Comedian
Wouldn’t it be nice if God was flattered by our constant praise and admiration of his handy work? Imagine God no longer grumbling in your head, obey my law or else.

Wife
You’re talking like a real Christian.
Of course Jesus finally talks to you through Christian Hair Metal.

Stay At Home Comedian
To hell with the speed devil trying to trick me into thinking he’s responsible for my comedy gold making, not you Lord. I’m giving up the Adderall this time forever.  I promise God, honestly.

The End

By,

Michael Kornbluth

 

Pizza Maker In Heaven

Pizza Maker In Heaven

“There is no sincerer love than the love of food.”
George Bernard Shaw

Daughter takes one bite of my homemade Burrata, creamy filled mozzarella bomb pizza, with roasted, fresh basil flecked, roasted cherry tomatoes on top of a cornmeal dusted bottom and practically faints, before delivering the most kindhearted, emotive compliment in do it all dad’s honor ever. “Daddy, I know you still really want to be a headliner standup comedian. But can’t you be a Pizza Maker in Heaven instead? Uncle Rodney will be your favorite customer. Remember how much he likes pizza in Easy Money? You’re money in the bank daddy, money in the bank.”

Pizza Maker in Comedy Heaven has an even nicer ring to it. I can bust Frank Sinatra’s balls for hanging out with Don Rickles, so some personality can rub off through osmosis. I’d also give him grief for ordering one of his goons to knock on Jackie Mason’s hotel room in Vegas, only to break his nose, for making fun of Frank too much. After Frank’s goon shatters Jackie Mason’s nose. Jackie replies with, I told Frank Don Rickles was hitting him with kiddie gloves compared to me.

I love cooking for my 3 children, wife included, but it’s their palpable joy which I derive the most amount of giving pleasure from because all my dishes are made with love. That’s my new line I deliver around my wife whenever I feel like her dinner performance was halfhearted, non-thought through, ordinary dinner assemblage. Thing is, my wife is a good cook. She can even make Lentil Soup scrumptious and visually appealing. But mama isn’t racking up as many yummy dances around the downstairs floors as I do.

 

My attitude is if you’re a stay at home dad or mom, whether it’s your choice or not, make the most of it, by making the family meal great again. Wash the table cloths with the intention of making the family meal a springboard for special memories attached to your home forever. Telling Alexa, never play Barbara Streisand duets with Frank Sinatra again through the Alex app and requesting Send in the Clowns versus just play Frank Sinatra helps maximize the enjoyment factors from these family, forming meals also.

I’ve injected my 3 children into grown up activities I’ve missed out on since becoming a father such as going to any rock concert I wish. Took my kids to see Kid Rock in Hartford, CT. A faded groupie of old was well meaning when she said to my kids, “That brings me back.” And I’m thinking to when?  Your dad ditching your mom for a friskier looking fox half way into a Lynyrd Skynyrd’s cover band version of Free Bird at a local Hartford bar when the Wailers weren’t in town?

 

Thing is, most rock concerts venues are far removed from being considered “family friendly.” For example, when I took the entire family to see Foreigner, Cheap Trick and Jason Bonham’s band in Bethel Woods, my kids were treated with immediate eye scolding, sacrament destroying disdain as if I was intentionally trying to freak all the old timer speed freaks by sneaking my kids into a concert like Michael Jackson’s kids concealed in burkas from head to toe.

Also, I can’t even go to a random pizzeria these days in NY, without being treated like an off-duty Ice Agent in North Face. So where else can a do it all dad attain an ideal mix of tunes and bonding through doing time with his children than in the kitchen at home? Not convinced yet at the bonding rich potential of cooking with your kids even if you’re not self-proclaimed shishy bitch who used to shop at Trader Joes back in the day in LA, only to get Vermont cheddar for his homemade Tuna Melts with avocado, before Vermont cheddar went mainstream.

My youngest child, lucky number 3, Chef Samuels will point at a red onion at Stop and Shop and say, “Eyes”, before rubbing his eyes from the crying produced from cutting onions in the 1st place. I don’t call my son Chef Samuels for nothing folks. He also already eats primo smoked salmon with no adornment whatsoever in addition to eating bits of anchovies pre-Puttanesca. Puttanesca is actually pussy in Italian, so in another lifetime my son obviously had zero problem muff diving before inhaling Sophia Loren scrumptious lobes of perfection whole, hey now. Living out my sexual fantasies through my son is  solid reason for you to call Child Services on me, I agree.

 

Yeah, hello, Child Services, I follow this comedian, I think on WordPress and he’s projecting his Sophia Loren motor boat fantasies through his 2-year-old son which is going over the line in my book. Before you know it, he’ll start smelling his other son’s Pre-K teacher’s hair in his jerkoff fantasies, Mrs. Russo, before titty blasting her in the face. Don’t get me wrong, child services, I’m also a married slut in a straight jacket. But I don’t utter my sexual fantasies through the guise of my children for the entire world to read on the Internet forever either. I am truly testing my editors open minded nature today.

 

When else can dad enjoy a family friendly environment among his favorite people in the universe than at a meal at home? You make sure there’s no Hulu on demand to contend with. It also helps when it’s a passive aggressive free zone, assuming the resistor grandparents aren’t in attendance.

 

If you truly feel your kids are superior company than most, then wouldn’t you care about blowing them away with your homemade peanut Thai sauce minus the coconut cream with a mixture of Lo Mein and Pad Thai noodles, with primo priced, peanut oil, fried, dehydrated, rectangular bits of soy because you schlepped to the zero smiles Chinese grocery store in White Plains, for the peanut oil in the 1ast place?

Who doesn’t want to outshine mommy in the kitchen? For once, the white man, doesn’t have to apologize for being an ineffectual jerkoff. What makes your kids love you more? More Duplo purchases, to keep them busy, so you can read comments on Breitbart, to catch an occasional summation of all Obama’s fuckups. Or, taking the time to teach your kids how to cook, feed themselves, learn to trust their instincts in the kitchen, massage their garbanzo beans with olive and lemon juice in the most sensual, giving a shit about foreplay way possible to solidify deep rooted bonds with your children far past when you’re gone? Because Pizza Makers in Heaven don’t grow on trees and I need to hear Rodney state, “Pizza was good kid but your jokes are perfect.”
The End,

By,

Michael Kornbluth

Slices of Heaven

INT. CAR
Son
In Arizona, I saw Heaven on a cloud daddy.
Stay At Home Comedian
Too bad you can’t score a good slice of NY Pizza in Arizona, if your afterlife in eternal, blissed out Heaven depended on it.

Chris Matthews sexually harassing a new intern for MSNBC.
Eating out Maddow, counts as your lunch break babe.

INT. DAYCARE
Stay At Home Comedian
You kids want to stand by your man’s commitment to avoid drinking his daily Tall Boy serving of Pap’s during the week. Don’t stock the fridge with Raspberry Lime Seltzer.

Memo to Comey:
Trump tried to burn down the FBI.
50 percent of your book never felt more like a shitty deal.

Let’s compare US President legacies only 2 years in.
Obama let Americans die of Fentanyl without treating it like an epidemic,, ravaging our heartland inside and out. Pictures of Trump hugging flags inspired my kids to do the same.

INT. DAYCARE
Stay At Home Comedian
You girls want to keep your future men happy? Never stock the fridge with Raspberry Lime Seltzer. I’d rather drink Michelle Obama’s line of Jolly Green Giant Kombucha’s.

Pope prefers we call migrants as migrant people. I have no problem with this order Pope. When we can we start calling you the Father enabler protector of pedophile priests, for covering up another widespread invasion to your holiness?

Google employees lashing out at conservatives being put on their AI council.

Conservatives don’t have gay friends. How can they tell the difference between an artificially manufactured gay voice versus a pure creepy organic one from Peter Theil?

House Democrats want oversight for all of Fox’s editorial decisions. But President Trump is the dictator, threatening free speech in this country. They can’t stand being blasted for the deplorable, racist, elitist retards, they are.

Democrats subpoena threat for Mueller Report. Pressure builds on Barr. For what, delivering all the 65,000 sealed indictments door to door personally by April 5?

Eric Holder on MSNBC.
Trump will go down the worst US President in history. Shouldn’t you be busy stuffing Pinatas with more free guns to kill ICE agents with? Hands up, don’t shoot the messenger, you anti-American jihadist, piece of shit.

Giving money to Beto is liking giving money to Demetri Martin’s cousin with even less stage presence and worst puns to hang the mantle of stand-up comedy’s savior on.

Memo to Joe Biden:
Thanks for making me feel like a self-conscious creep for kissing my wife’s head. I was just being affectionate now feels like I’m in sniffing distance of turning into liver spotted gentile pedophile, thanks.

INT. HOME
Wife
Dumbo was 6:45, not 6.
It wasn’t fun killing time in a shopping mall parking lot in Carmel.
Stay At Home Comedian
3 kids later, can you make up your mind over whether you enjoy our kids company to the maximum degree or not.

311 Music is still a perfect album. It’s too cool for ANTIFA to know about, let alone play at their Hitler youth, non-fascist, fascist front rallies, hurling bags of piss at officers told stand down, who should be throwing their asses down.

INT. CAR
Stay At Home Comedian
Where was Baseball created Romania or America?
Son
Who invented God, Greeks or the Americans? Joke, only God invented God.
Stay At Home Comedian
I thought you were watching Real Time on HBO behind my back.

The End,

By,

Michael Kornbluth

Hugging Old Glory Good

Hug what you love. My 3 kids do and hug Old Glory on Main Street USA with rushes of unabashed, patriotic powered delight. And it makes this do it all dad proud to be an American, in a country where my children are free to hug their patriotism around their sleeves.

I’m no Vietnam vet, but an American loving Gen X Dad who was in LA working as an IT headhunter, when “my city” as Walt Whitman used to call Manhattan back in the day had its twin hearts blasted to pieces.

My patriot act back then before raising 3 kids in the grand USA, was writing a pilot, Don’t Laugh, I live in Newark, about an unlikely, heavyset Ethiopian TSA worker. Who saves America from another terrorist attack by Too Tall Turban through detecting a known terrorist on the No Fly List through using a scanner triggering the sound of Jimmy Hendrix’s version of the Star Spangled Banner. The part in the song where Jimmy turns his guitar into an instrument of war, conjuring raining hellfire of bombs on top of the Vietcong.

But now I’ve got 3 children to raise in my abundently blessed USA, land of the free and home of John Coltrane, NY Yankees, Hulk Hogan, The Grateful Dead, Les Paul, the band Boston, Bill Hicks, Andrew Dice Clay, Don Rickles, Brian Wilson, Hank Williams Junior, Danny McBride, Charles Bukowski, Marc Maron, General Patton, Johnny Cash, Axel Rose, Nikki Six, Albert Brooks, Randy Newman, the Zucker Brothers, Wayans Brothers, Derek Jeter, Michael Jordan, Muhamad Ali, Walt Whitman, Chuck Zito, Chuck Norris, Jim Brown, Stan Lee, Kevin Smith, Bon Jovi, Mr. Rogers, the Beastie Boys, Dennis Hopper, Rudy, Red Foxx, Chris Rock, Larry David, Sly Stallone, Gene Simmons, Jim Norton, Jeff Ross, Patrice O’Neal, Vince Vaughn, Stryper, Adam Sandler, Joan Jett, Henry Miller, Robert Frost, Marilyn Monroe, Joan Rivers, Howard Stern, president Donald J. Trump.

Why would I include, Donald J. Trump on this illustrious list of American heroes dear to my heart forevermore? Because he inspired my children to hug old glory after I showed them a picture of our President doing the same. They say, a picture speaks a 1000 words, no amount of spin semantics and propaganda brainwashing can mistake our President’s love of flag, vets and fellow hard working Americans, free to exert their will onto this universe in the effort to enact their most deep rooted dreams of opening a business or providing for their family without being totally miserable into a glorious, real life unfolding reality.

I showed my children a picture of our president hugging an American flag with his arms wrapped around tight, exuding a boyish, young at heart, grin, screaming I love my country and my flag because it represents a land where I was free to pursue my dreams and make ball busting great again. A place where his scrappy, hard work was rewarded, to become everything he dared to dream into doing and becoming. Now, our President wants to ensure other Americans still have the same shot of doing the same. And wasn’t it the crack dealer turned hip hop lyrist genius Jay Z who coined the expression, “You can’t knock the hustle?” But knocking Obama’s lack of hustle every time to address a terrorist attack last summer means you’re a jealous hater, forever now, whatever.

In the car, earlier, I told my son Arthur, I didn’t want to make this chapter political. Son, says, “What’s a political?” I said, “Anything political is very opinionated.” Son replies, “Yeah, opinionated pieces aren’t as funny.” I reply, “Sometimes they can be, but I want to focus on more heart-warming feelings instead for this piece like when you hugged the American flag lined street in our old stomping ground of Pleasantville, NY in northern Westchester County. We were renting a home back then, we still have no money in case you’re wondering. But I got 2 books coming out soon and if I taught my children anything it’s that hard work pays off. I’ve decided to self-publish because I’ve decided to triple down on my belief in me. Also, I don’t want some “wise ass New York Jew”, as Randy Newman sang, to edit and water down my deep-rooted love of Americana’s stars imprinted on my heart forever. My last name is Kornbluth, I’m entitled to call out a wise, New York, self-hating Jew when I see fit, end of story, oh.

Driving cross country to Los Angeles for my last semester of college, was the most patriotic experience of my life, which I never saw coming. The surge in patriotic pride hit me like a battering ram as I drove around the Grand Canyon with Bruce Springsteen’s greatest hits playing as the perfect soundtrack backdrop to all the wonderous, beauty piercing natural wonder around me and my friend Aaron.

For the 1st in my life, driving around the Grand Canyon, taking in such a beauty spewing tapestry of sandblasted, orange hues and violet shades of red bursting color, it was impossible to not feel like I was in the haunting, holy presence of God’s finger-painting best work.

I also lived in LA for 6 years after spending my last semester of college out there, interning for a talent agency called the House of Representatives no less. I sold wine in California. Took many girlfriends to day trips in Santa Barbara because I couldn’t afford to stay in hotels when I sold wine. Because I was working on commission only and made enough money to only buy a dime bag but we’re talking about the sprayed kind, which tastes like Windex.

How can my various girlfriend getaway adventures to Santa Barbara on PCH up through the winding hills of the Santa Anita Mountains, to stop off eating the most delectable, scrumptious Tri Tip sandwiches of my life make me hate America one bit? Knowing I get to take PCH up through Santa Barbra for the most part, becoming at one with the mighty Pacific.

Where that lucky old son, Brian’s Wilson’s favorite muse, bounces, skips and prances in a scattered, flickering glorious light over such a breath-taking oceanic stretch of deep, soothing, soul penetrating streams of blue.

Now, my son’s favorite toy is the Blue Angel plane I got him after taking my 3 kids to their 1st air show. I had never been to an airshow before either. Just picture the parking lot scene of a Kid Rock show, but with more wide-eyed kids and not as much tore up looking talent from the nineties since Kid Rock went platinum.

I have a framed picture in our bathroom with my son Arthur and his older sister Matilda posing in an old school fighter jet, with real deal pilot helmets on and cool looking shades on. You’d think they were posing for a subway poster of a more child friendly remake of Iron Eagle for Nick Junior.

I’ll still never forgive my mother for never responding or even acknowledging the picture of them from the airshow. Because my mother is no better than Lena Dunham expressing the desire to move out of our country because they’re so embarrassed to call themselves Americans all of a sudden. After Trump won, I did pray for the Canadians to build a big, beautiful wall around the strip clubs in Montreal, so Lena Dunham wouldn’t scare away all the clientele.

Patriotism is taught at home. On Presidents Day, I taught my children this year how our 1st President George Washington, freed all his slaves eventually and paid them reparations in the form of a giant buyout severance package.

My children know about Lenny Bruce Live at Carnegie Hall and how his attacks on organized religion ruling by fear versus love was his God given, American right to do so, paving the way for the truth bomb hurlers who followed such as Carlin, Bill Hicks and their do it all dad naturally.

Every year on 4th of July, I bust out my original Dream Team USA tang top jersey from 92 for Christ sake before Magic made HIV disappear. That’s teaching your kids patriotism folks. Especially, after stressing to my kids, how Americans pride ourselves on our killer number work ethic compared to the world at large. And having our college players lose to Spain in the Olympics the prior year because of Alonzo Mourning’s faulering hook shot from 4 feet away from the basket wasn’t acceptable. But the legendary MJ, Bird and Magic were following the illustrious footsteps of other all star American Olympians such as Mark Spitz, Greg Louganis, Hitler middle flexing, Jesse Owens, Edwin Moses, Arthur Ashe, Carl Lewis, Sugar Ray Leonard, Jackie Joyner-Kersee. Can we make Usain Bolt an honorary American for the purposes of this conversation, considering his brash, super charismatic, obviously influenced by Iron Mike’s, big time brash bravado in some capacity?

My son’s going to join the Boy Scouts, next year when he starts Kindergarten, which is as American as Reese Witherspoon holding up a tea cup to blockade her enormous drooping chin on the cover of her new cookbook Whiskey in a Teacup. And it’s my God given, American right, to bust her balls about it her one facial flaw because I read once in a Kevin Smith word vomit diary book edition about how Reese treated him like a fat hack at some LA party in Bel Air once. So, fuck Reese, and her debutant, picture perfect upbringing in Tennessee. Kevin Smith is an American treasure who gave us Jason Lee, Clerks and Mallrats although Reese was a total bad ass in the Oliver Stone flick Freeway. So, she’s forgiven.

The End

By,

Michael Kornbluth

Spring Break in Norway

 

You didn’t even get a tan? I remember my Alternative School teacher in High School reprimand me with wholehearted disgust after I returned from Cancun senior year paler than an English albino on Spring Break in Norway. All I had to show for my trip in Cancun my senior in year high school was an assemblage of color lamented wrist bands proving, I drank my NBA basketball card collection money in one not so comped swoop. Never got why my dad would pay for my room and airfare in Cancun yet insist I sell all of my NBA Dream Team rookie cards for extra shekels to blow on low grade Tequila poppers and more Corona with Lime. But at least, I knew how to pop a Corona open with a lighter by the end of our trip. Plus, I’m forever blessed with images of my wild man friend Jared with his old school boom box like a more loquacious Radio Rahim, blaring Oh What A Night with his new harem of New Jersey gals. Who couldn’t get enough of his magnetic, party animal, putz free personality.

What makes Spring Break suck? Trying to hook up with the same chesty Italian girl in Cancun from your Princeton Review class in Tuckahoe. Realizing after 3rd flailing tries to drum up interest in hooking up with you again, that tan, six pack ripped, Guido’s from Jersey, the original metrosexuals are more up her alley than a knock-kneed bench warmer. Who spranced down the basketball court, on his tippy toes, looking like I was modeling Jimmy Choo high heels instead of David Robinson high tops.

Why did my family vacation in Norway for Spring Break? The main reason is because letting your parents plan on your vacation on Spring Break for you sucks. Especially, knowing, it’s a paid for, arranged trip to visit them in Arizona, so they feel better about themselves for blowing of their grandchildren for cheaper property taxes and majestic looking piles of rocks in the desert 350 days out of the year. Also, spring break in Arizona with your 3 kids as a stay at home dad isn’t pleasant vacation from domestic servitude because your old school dad who views stay at home dads as sheltered bums makes it very clear by his huffy signs of disgust 2 days there, signaling, he doesn’t believe you deserve any vacation at all. In fact, the only reason you’re arranged visit is happening is because your parents have frequent flyer points and my mother would be speechless next time one of my dad’s yenta wife friends asked her how often she saw her grandchildren, let alone helped out last year. Paying for daycare doesn’t count.

Arizona was our original Spring Break destination but we had a giant misunderstanding with my parents, meaning they promised to give us X for our house, after we made an offer for it and then backed out only giving us Y. It was a dream house, we were going to pay the majority of the mortgage for. It was an old Victorian in Mahopac, overlooking the lake, had 2 acres of rolling hills land, the perfect climbing tree, a freaking purple farm house we could’ve have rented out to some artist to give my daughter drawing lessons. But poof, the dream went away, because my parents deemed the house too nice, outshining their estate home in Arizona shrine to themselves, so we lost out on the deal of the century. Wife cried and was heartbroken over it. It was a roller  coaster of emotion. Just imagine, you extend an offer on a dream house, only to have it go poof to find out on Thanksgiving eve, your parents deciding to pass on providing the reminder of down payment money needed to secure the home and home loan because my younger brother was getting engaged soon and didn’t want his big brother to make him feel smaller than what his limited imagination does in the 1st place. So, my saintly, hippie, lactation consultant nurse wife booked us a trip to Norway, only 99 dollars for each family member each way, out of Stewart Airport, which is only 20 minutes from where we live and not Newark or La Guardia. Sign me up coach, I’m ready to nosh on some primo smoked trout in Norway right away.

After the birth of my 1st child, Matilda Singing Rose Kornbluth, I recall my mom throwing my dad under the bus during a chat on a park bench. She mentioned how all the pictures on Facebook showing us taking sweet Matilda on hikes in Maine and so forth bring her non-stop joy yet the joy was bitter sweet because it illuminated for her the painful reminder of the fact how growing up, my parents never took my younger brother and I on many family trips, even on local affordable getaways to Manhattan, only a 30 minute drive north for us because my dad would freak out over who’d look after us kids. My dad used the same logic for never getting us a dog, the one time I broached the idea. He said something like, you and your brother are lazy pieces of shit, mom and I work. So, who’s going to look after the dog? As you complete your metamorphosis of complete uselessness trying to beat Metroid again for the zillionth time. My dad’s always been a Hyatt hotel type of a guy, so camping outside a cornfield was never his idea of semi splendid isolation as a caravan of cool Philly, public school teachers puffed nearby with us, as Grateful Dead’s American Beauty sailed through the air. Actually, this was before Matilda was born but we do call her our American Beauty, because we’re convinced she was conceived in our REI tent, in a cornfield, outside of the Baseball Hall of Fame in Cooperstown, NY on July 4th weekend when the band Further was in town, whose the new incarnation of the Grateful Dead before John Mayer’s luscious lock flowing licks got involved in the mix. Never forgot, taking our daughter to a Further show 2 year later, a week after her 2nd birthday up in Bethel Woods, which is the outdoor venue where the original Woodstock was held. My daughter did an intricate, at one with the music dance to Eyes of the World which had all the hippies aghast in spellbinding, believing in old soul reincarnation now delight. Prior, I took my just turned 2-year-old daughter around the parking lot scene in Bethel Woods to take in the sprawling, dishelved freak show, bad idea. Two seconds later, my 2 year old daughter points at a dinged-up hippie, sucking down Nitus balloons like his remaining oxygen supply dependended on it. After the hippie sucks down his last balloon, my daughter points at the balloon and says, birthday and I said no, burn out day.

 

Now, my 3 kids are doing snow angels on spring break, enveloped by the Fjords in the remote hinterlands of Norway, with cliff mountains dominating the background in resplendent, been there, done that, seen my fair share of Ice Ages, come and go man. And it was perfect. The heated bathroom floors and dead spot free WIFI so I could tweet up a storm of new jokes overseas from Flam, drinking super affordable Italian reds Barolo’s didn’t hurt my vacation enjoyment factor either. Neither did the mesh lined trampolines, and Peter Jackson, Lord of the Rings inspired tree houses turned into playgrounds with zip lines throughout the city of Bergen, in addition to the 5 different types of complimentary, brie included in our boutique hotel, on top of access to Absinthe and all Norwegians understanding of my dry, NY sense of humor made Spring Break in Norway far superior than my jokes bombing in Arizona because some Southwest hick waitress at the local Cantina in Scottsdale, has no idea what I’m talking about again.

Backpacking through Norway with 3 kids was a needed family adventure I’ll cherish in my heart forever. Going to Clearwater Beach, a retirement community for Spring Break in college, only for my fake ID to be confiscated was nowhere near my past collage of sucky spring breaks of yesteryear. Now, I have memories of my son Art Show doing snow angles in 5000 thread count soft snow in Flam, Norway only to take a stroll later with daddy around the lake, surrounded by mountainous, majestic, Fjords, only to blare out, “Drago, Drago, Drago.” You can really here my son’s Drago echoes cascade off these edge of the earth mountains. My reverberating, ear splitting laughter, as a result of my son’s hilarious, inspired, picture perfect comedic timing, was perfect. No wet t-shirt contest at Senior Frogs or busty Italian vixen with o percent body fat from Princeton Review looking like a blond, younger, more fetching version of Lorraine Bracco, popping my cherry in Cancun would top this moment ever.

 

Spring Break in Norway was in our control, not my parents and it was just what the family doctor ordered because my wife’s Instagram follower count went through the roof. Now, her phone was the happiest place on earth and I didn’t have to fret about concerns about my wife dusting off her old bikini 3 kids later. Nor did we have to apply sun tan lotion on our 3 kids every second they hopped out of the pool again in Arizona or if we went to Florida for that matter for Spring Break, so it was a win, win.

The End

By,

Michael Kornbluth

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Kite Flying Depressing Me

Can’t believe he’s real, especially when I get to see my 1st born son’s heart soar to the heavens, flying his 1st kite all by himself at 4 years old, telling the kite with mixture of boyish bliss and Eagle Scout leader in the making authority, “follow me.”
The penetrative, heart-warming cheer I’m receiving from watching my son in awe, dart his feather feet throughout a gorgeous stretch of wild, emerald, upstate New York, one hour outside of Cooperstown, NY for a wedding getaway hasn’t worn off yet. As my beautiful son whizzes around a gorgeous patch of open meadow, emerald green of endless wonderfulness in rural, river runs through it, Upstate, New York splendor with his darting off to save the day Flash flickering feet. Hoisting the kite up high, high, high, up into the sky, sky, sky, beaming with maximum boyish glee and can’t believe I’m doing it pride of the highest degree.
Understand, my 4-year old son flying his 1st kite was all made possible because of my father in law. He bough the kite as a gift for my son Arthur and showed him how to fly the damn thing because I didn’t know how, nor was I very confident in kite flying assistance being covered under my Triple A plan either.
My son takes another victory lap with the kite, blowing in the wind, with cheeks hurting from his smile stretching from ear to ear, knowing, this new marvelous plaything was going to continue to take his boyish, childhood sense of life being full of endless wonder and heart pulsating beauty higher.

But then, my heart became enshrouded in an overcast cloud of heavy weariness of perpetual letdown disgust, as I came face to face with the realization how I can’t hate my father in law anymore because my perfect dad only sees his grandson once a year because he no longer does the cold. Thanks for obliterating the superior moral high ground I felt in the presence of my father in a law dad, knowing he’s only babysat twice for all 3 kids in eight years or shelled a penny for daycare ever. But he was willing to co-sign on a house loan eventually, so at least this means, he’s willing to believe his daughter’s good for the money, eventually.

 

The other reason kite flying depressing me because it reminded me of how my father choose another indoor summer in AC splendor in Arizona versus flying back east with Mimi to bond and grow closer to his 3 grandchildren more than 10 days in August. This is our family, us versus AC and hellish heat in Arizona, where baby feet on the clean, bright, Spanish pool tile can melt to death.

I didn’t want to be depressed about kite flying forever so I bought my son, a fancier kite, with a Pirate logo on it. Come to think of it, I should fly ISIS flags around my house on Halloween to scare away trick or treaters.

 

So, we take all 3 kids to the local park in the spirit of taking their pubescent puppet strings of imagination higher. I had every intention of assuming the lead yet my handy gentile wife overtook the Kite flying teacher position because her father took her kite flying also as kid in Australia by Mother’s Beach, so I’m thinking she’s made in the shade like any of the Fly Girls hooking up with Damon Wayans at an In Living Color after hours party back in the day. I was mistaken like the time I thought she’d complete a fully formed cartwheel in our background in Park Slope, Brooklyn. Which was aged ago when Lena Dunham had much skinner arms and wasn’t so full herself. The cartwheel attempt was a total horror show. Her legs barely lifted the ground, as she stumbled over the tumbleweeds in complete, dejected, head in the dirt disarray similar to this damn kite. Which my wife couldn’t get off the ground if my book advance money, if I weren’t to self-publish Stay at Home Comedian was riding on it.
Eventually though, the spirit of one-eyed willie graced us enough of a stiff wind to catapult my son’s pirate kite to take flight for more than two seconds without doing an immediate, demoralizing, Kama Kaze conjuring nose dive on the spot, again and again. As the kite took flight, in whirling, shooting spin, my 3 children let out a heart racing, thrill fueled, wahoo, look dada, it’s still flying. Later, I got depressed back home when my wife made it clear she was scarred from the experience because she got winded from all the incessant kite diving versus the desired state of American Beauty, leaves in constant motion above ground flying. I got depressed again, knowing our children’s shrieks of joy for the brief moments of Kite flying hangtime didn’t mean as much to my wife because she made the kite flying a competition between herself and mother nature. Who swatted away her weak ass kite flying ascends with Dikembe Mutombo, finger scolding fervor.

Dad calls the following day. How was kite flying with Arthur? I reply. Boyish Bliss you played no part in Dad, no offense.

The Chinese use kites to measure distances between father and sons. If dad lifts his son’s spirits by taking him kite flying because a growth spurt eluded him despite being 2nd cousins with Yao Ming, they’re tight like Chinese Finger Traps.
Kite Flying is a magical experience as a father because it’s impossible to not get tingly all over when you think of the shrieks of pure hearted, jade free joy emanating from your own flesh and blood as the kite takes flight up high, high, into the sky, sky, sky. In times like this it’s impossible to sigh. Next time, your kids asks for a gift, because they’ve been fuss free and made their bed all week, you’ll know what to buy.
I always hated my mother in-laws excuse for not buying her grandchildren, nice cloth’s or toys because of claims of the short shelf life for their usefulness before they outgrow them. But I’ll never outgrow the divine blessed opportunity to grow closer to my children and get lost in blissed out, high as a kite without the assistance of pharmaceuticals or weed wonder.

 

Reliving my age of innocence with my dreamy children through kite flying fills my bruised, neglected, adolescent heart with renewed promise and hope for brighter, higher tomorrow’s. This lucky old funny man giant, whose gone from Hendrix to Mahler, who lives to fill these kids’ hearts with endless wonder, hellbent on ensuring mama doesn’t bore them to death either, is lonely no more.
The End

By,
Michael Kornbluth

Overt Bitch Test

Overt Bitch Test
Do you like the Cauliflower Angel Wings Babe?
If you like it raw.
Old Dirty knew better than give the bone to just one bitch.

INT. GUITAR STORE
Daughter
Do you think the name Nightmare is a good Heavy Metal Band name?
Stay At Home Comedian
I think Alice Cooper just sprouted a stubby.

INT. Lego Store-Yonkers, NY
Stay At Home Comedian
Kids we’re leaving.
The Lego Store Worker blatantly ignoring our presence at the cash register is proving how white reverse racism works in real time. Oh no he didn’t, yes I did.

INT. Uniqlo

Daughter
Daddy, can I take a selfie in my new nightie?
Stay At Home Comedian
No, especially no nightie pics on Instagram when you’re a teenager ever.
Based on mama’s sproutage, I’m not sweating bullets over your blossomy breast upheaval either.

INT. PIZZERIA
Pizza Guy
Still rocking the Knicks gear?
Stay At Home Comedian
Convinced Dolan paid off a girl to accuse KP of rape because his aggressive brother agent reminded him too much of Russian gangsters in 25th hour.

Pizza Guy laughs long time.

Int. Home
Daughter
Daddy, whose better Michael Jackson or Shakira?
Mom
Michael Jackson is evil.
Daughter
What does that mean dada?
Do It All Dad
It means he got away with murdering ages of innocence like a smooth criminal.

Iron Man 2 is great. John Favreau is an American treasure. He directed Elf and Will Ferrell was never funnier outside of Eastbound and Down. Gwyenth is even quite bangable in Iron Man 2 and not annoying at all. Mickey Rourke’s face looks normal.

INT. HOME
Son
Daddy, why did Dr. Wenick tell me to hug Matilda every day.
Stay At Home Comedian
So she doesn’t become jaded in her older thirties who places more importance on a suitor’s political leanings over his do good actions.

INT. CAR
Daughter
Daddy, I’ve got no brownie game.
Shannon can make them, Eva can make some sort of pastry.
Mama can’t even teach me how to make space cakes for my balling hippie artists friends in the big city when I get older.

INT. HOME
Daughter
Daddy, why did Dr. Wenick tell us to play more board games?
Stay At Home Comedian
So you can force your grandparents to take a time out from CNN whenever they’re around to engage you again.

INT. HOME
Wife
DVD Players are antiquated.
Stay At Home Comedian
It’s for our daughter’s bedroom.
And she’s an old soul.
Plus, stop equating cool with cloud based modern technologies.
Grow up already babe.

INT. HOME
Wife
The Extra Small nightie would’ve been better because it wouldn’t droop as low and show her nipples.
Stay At Home Comedian
Nipples, they’re molish dots.
Also, the nightie covering up enchilada is more important babe.

The End

By

Michael Kornbluth