Use Your Kids Like Open Mikes

God gave men kids to provide social variety away from mama. So don’t be a lazy brain and half ass your attempt at winning your kid’s hearts with watching more Man City on the Teli around your kids or grandchildren because you’re such an informed, evolved history buff, especially when your kids are hard core American Dad Enthusiasts, if Child Services forced them to take a lie detector test, after Do It All Dad in Divorce Court, insists on fighting for 50 percent custody, after proclaiming in court defending himself like Lenny Bruce without the career, proclaiming, “American Dad is educational. How else will my children know W, married a librarian from Texas, who married into the Illuminati. Who still acts better than other first ladies like Melania or Hillary Hammer Time Cankles? At least Hillary tried to get rich or die trying bitch.

I read an article on Fatherly.com claiming Dads, normally not too involved, during their marriage, become more involved Dads with their kids after they get divorced because the wife is no longer facilitating the conversation at the dinner table. Personally, I’ve never had this problem, because I’m the loudmouth New Yorker, not her, who’s louder than Busta Rhymes at a midnight showing of Higher Learning. The Yankees win a playoff game last year. The next morning, I tell my daughter, “The Yankees won. ” She replies, “I heard.” You’re the reason New York City and all of Northern Westchester never sleeps. I’ll always cherish my sleepy father in law’s embrace my bombastic, ultra-chatty personality during my 1st sit down dinner with my girlfriend, now wife and a married couple I haven’t seen since. Halfway into me scoring a steady stream of laugh yanks from this married couple, my father in law blurts with annoyed disgust, “He talks more than the other one.” Meaning, the borderline mute finance my wife was planned to marry before we met, which I was never aware of till way after the fact for what’s worth. I don’t want prospective employers to think I’m a Mute Man Marriage Wrecker. “He talks more than the other one.” Translation, I live in Delaware away from Jew York for a reason. Give me an H1-B developer to conduct code review with, who needs subtitles in order to be understood, over having to spend one more sec around the charming New York Jew, whose making my lack of stage presence in comparison, become more pronounced depressing by the second. So much for my one meeting with my mental health specialist, resolving any latent anger resentment issues remaining.

The reality is, if I wasn’t a talker, none of my kids would’ve have recognized my voice out of the womb, and that would’ve been tragic for my children, when even mommy, admits the following about our lucky number three, “Baby Samuel gets bored when he spends too much time with me. ” Always knew the kid was the quick leaner. Can I get a holla for a big time raise the roof, the best is yet come, Challah? First time I came up with that expression to use on my Do It All Dad Year Podcast, my wife, huffs with extreme displeasure at the dinner table, insisting I was being 2 years into open mike stand-up comedy obscure, by trying to dumb dad shame me in front our 3 kids, stating, “What does that even mean? Can I get a holla for some Challah? It means can I get some props for a money, mo bread making line, babe.” My 3 kids didn’t have to understand the symbolic or literal extrapolated definition of my new rock-solid gold A Plus catchphrase in the making, because kids respond more to pumped up silly, than jaded, lifeless, droll troll verbosity.

One time, I gave my son a gentle hip toss on top of our bed, forgetting Art Show possess a bouncy ball spine, which sent Feather Foot flying off the bed inches away from smashing his head into the dresser from the sheer powerful bounce off the bed. Earlier tonight, he came into say hello when I was writing and I asked him he he wanted an elevator lift drop, but before lifting him up high , I give a voice to his own internal thoughts and say, “Daddy, don’t get carried away, with your elevator lift drop, I still have a bouncy ball stuck in my spine remember?” And my pitch perfect son laughs long time again. But if I wasn’t constantly talking around my son inside the womb and out, or using humor to help diffuse potentially traumatic, accidental dramatic situations, my children would suffer from anxiety like Kevin Love, despite him being NBA royalty, banging everything that moved at UCLA I’m assuming, owning an NBA ring, and never shamed for forgetting Lebron’s elaborate, inner sanctum, safe space, frat boy conjuring hand slap dances on the TNT.

Do you need to be a laugh hog in order to be a good parent? No, but you better recognize the importance of bringing the funny old man, or else, your kids will tune into mama, like the dronish, Scarlett Johansson in the movie Divorced, and she never struck me as a lightening rod of electric conversational might, AI, enhanced in her, in Her or if she’s the beneficiary of a Woody Allen punched up personality during his Scarlet Johansson phase or not. What was Woody’s new film supposed to be about again? Let me guess, some old creep who bangs a teenager again, called, Crimes and Misdemeanors, the Early Years. He took Kodak pictures of Sun Yee, only to stuff them in his top sock drawer, for safe keeping. The only thing missing was an old copy of Sun Yee on the cover of Time Life Magazine.

Does Soon Yee even have vocal cords? So, what’s my point? Boring kids is bad parenting. And F empathy, just be funnier old man. Your kids or grandkids fading interest in your company depends on it. Use your kids as open mikes, take creative chances, add levity to the situation instead of freaking out in disproportion to your kid spilling a drink at the dinner table. In Iran, they throw gays off roof tops after castration, so I’d say, we let our kid’s off light because the Media will be freaking out regardless anyway. Because our kids learn to laugh at our mistakes, in addition to American comedy exceptionalism, not on Al Jazeera or detected on Late Night with Stephen Colbert these days, whose command of funny these days, is like the state of our union, shaky.

I don’t want to be best supporting dad. That’s like winning best side bitch. Dads today are expected to do more than just get their wives pregnant every other 2 years, planned or not. So, try bossing through clowning around your kids more. It works, and don’t overuse your yelling voice or your kid won’t be able to distinguish you from CNN. Act like you’re genuinely excited to make your children happy, relying own your personality and imagination, instead of outsourcing their children’s entertainment to Baby Yoda and the mope maligned, Millennial Mouseketeer Darth Vader, the most petulant, annoying, grandson addition to an ex iconic franchise, I could give to BB 8 shits about.

Boring kids is bad parenting. You act like you want nothing to do with your only divorced daughter. You want to act like date night every Friday night is so much important than making sure she’s dealing with her new half baby brother, removing any remaining spotlight in her honor away from her, with your new wife, fine. No wonder I can feel the embedded jealousy, as I lift my son for an ariel double decker knee nosh sandwich for the road.

Social Justice is Dad proving he’s got the tools necessary to outshine scary mommy on the big stage, if he cares about about being more than mama’s side bitch underling forever. I’m very proud of raising kids who respect and recognize funny. There’s actual hope Do It All Dad Nation, for you to reclaim your status as the leading in-house star attraction of your house. It’s our last safe space for politically incorrect humor. Be a family man clown hero for your kids. Do you want your best friend to be the final speaker for your eulogy? I’d rather have my 1st born daughter, close the ceremony and own the room and start with, “Thanks for the laughs Daddy. Good luck trying to tune out my Dad out now God. You thought Joan Rivers sounds like a loudmouth on the rag. I just hope daddy opens with proven material and doesn’t wing it, unless he wants the challenge of coming back to life after dying the moment, he broke on through to the other side, where only the lady laugh lover clowns roam.”

Do It All Dad Talk

Children are for family upgrades.

God only gives unplanned kids, to only the lonely. And this funny man giant is lonely no more.

Funnier Dad, happier baby. You want a photo off old man?

My daughter Singing Rose is the best bud Sarah Silverman never had. After taking one bite into Do It All Dad’s home made Burrata bomb pizza made with cherry roasted tomatoes from our garden, she says in the kindest, most heaven sent tone imaginable, “Daddy, I know you really want to be comedian but can’t you be a pizza maker in Heaven instead?”

Controlling our kids with comedy can make our kids great again. My 3 fuss free kids the majority of the time, are living proof of it.

My 1st son Art Show USA, already passed his class clown test before entering Kindergarten, yelling at our hard to hear voice powered speaker Assistant with extreme disgust, “Cortana, throw yourself out the window already.”

My son Chosen Curls was bound to woo. Random grandmothers at the Stop and Shop insist he’ll have 3 girlfriends to juggle when he get’s older. My reply? If James Woods had this kid’s face, your estimates wouldn’t be so conservative.

Having a 3rd kid shows who passes the friendship litmus test or not.

Generous pours of love in the form of nice bourbon to usher in the birth of your lucky number three is one to savor and cherish because it acknowledges the fact how nothing beats a newborn dad kind of love.

Becoming a Do It All Dad doesn’t mean your childless younger brother will become less serially selfish. Who still makes Hunter Biden feel like an underachiever.

GenX parents understand Baby Boomer arrogance never dies.

Breast feeding is responsible for my 3 kids angelic complexions. Daycare kids are pasty, all looking like they took a load to the face with an Elmer’s Glue Gun.

Grandparent bad manners, is them missing out on the best of your kids, while waiting at home for more breaking news on blue balls Mueller reports and fake news impeachment witch hunts with less legs than Lieutenant Dan.

Kids are human sponges of emotion. If you feel enraged at your wife for treating you like a starless, over the hill, neutered hipster dad, they get upset but not in an understated, passive aggressive, ironic detached way.

If Do It All Dad feels extreme joy for getting his debut album Resist This on I-Tunes, his 3 kids take your post giddyness higher, by quoting your own material, hollering in pitch perfect unison, “Can I get a holla, for some Challah?

God didn’t give me 3 kids to have a panic attack over it. Obviously, God never had the same confidence in Pete Davidson, the rebound boy toy king of Generation Z.

Facebook has made out of state Baby Boomers comfortably numb as virtual grandparents from afar.

You don’t need to spend a mini fortune on personal trainers when you have children. I’ll say to my daughter, “Matilda, daddy hasn’t had a beer in 9 days.” Her reply? Real impressive Dada, you’ve never even made it to double digits.” Or I’ll say to my son, “Dada didn’t run on the treadmill because I strained my calf muscle on it again. His response, “Enough with the excuses Dada. You’re worse than Hillary.”

Why are my kids so behaved in public? I don’t stand down and let them run wild like ANTIFA for starters.

Making your kids understand being an asshole to their siblings is unacceptable behavior, which won’t go unpunished, highlights when they’ve crossed line from harmless rambunctious jostling, to hurtful, physically assaultive, over the top prickishness.

One must remember kids repeat curse words you emphasize to point out bad behavior to be discouraged. So use funnier alternatives than asshole like Tuchus Hole or my new personal favorite anus hole, just so you can hear your lucky number 3, about to become 3 next month, repeat after Do It All Dad, “Don’t be an anus hole, Dada.”

Use Your Kids like Open Mikes

God gave men kids to provide social variety away from mama. So don’t be a lazy brain and half ass your attempt at winning your kid’s hearts with watching more Man City on the Teli around your kids or grandchildren because you’re such an informed, evolved history buff, especially when your kids are hard core American Dad Enthusiasts, if Child Services forced them to take a lie detector test, after Do It All Dad in Divorce Court, insists on fighting for 50 percent custody, after proclaiming in court defending himself like Lenny Bruce without the career, proclaiming, “American Dad is educational. How else will my children know W, married a librarian from Texas, who married into the Illuminati. Who still acts better than other first ladies like Melania or Hillary Hammer Time Cankles? At least Hillary tried to get rich or die trying bitch.

I read an article on Fatherly.com claiming Dads, normally not too involved, during their marriage, become more involved Dads with their kids after they get divorced because the wife is no longer facilitating the conversation at the dinner table. Personally, I’ve never had this problem, because I’m the loudmouth New Yorker, not her, who’s louder than Busta Rhymes at a midnight showing of Higher Learning. The Yankees win a playoff game last year. The next morning, I tell my daughter, “The Yankees won. ” She replies, “I heard.” You’re the reason New York City and all of Northern Westchester never sleeps. I’ll always cherish my sleepy father in law’s embrace my bombastic, ultra-chatty personality during my 1st sit down dinner with my girlfriend, now wife and a married couple I haven’t seen since. Halfway into me scoring a steady stream of laugh yanks from this married couple, my father in law blurts with annoyed disgust, “He talks more than the other one.” Meaning, the borderline mute finance my wife was planned to marry before we met, which I was never aware of till way after the fact for what’s worth. I don’t want prospective employers to think I’m a Mute Man Marriage Wrecker. “He talks more than the other one.” Translation, I live in Delaware away from Jew York for a reason. Give me an H1-B developer to conduct code review with, who needs subtitles in order to be understood, over having to spend one more sec around the charming New York Jew, whose making my lack of stage presence in comparison, become more pronounced depressing by the second. So much for my one meeting with my mental health specialist, resolving any latent anger resentment issues remaining.

The reality is, if I wasn’t a talker, none of my kids would’ve have recognized my voice out of the womb, and that would’ve been tragic for my children, when even mommy, admits the following about our lucky number three, “Baby Samuel gets bored when he spends too much time with me. ” Always knew the kid was the quick leaner. Can I get a holla for a big time raise the roof, the best is yet come, Challah? First time I came up with that expression to use on my Do It All Dad Year Podcast, my wife, huffs with extreme displeasure at the dinner table, insisting I was being 2 years into open mike stand-up comedy obscure, by trying to dumb dad shame me in front our 3 kids, stating, “What does that even mean? Can I get a holla for some Challah? It means can I get some props for a money, mo bread making line, babe.” My 3 kids didn’t have to understand the symbolic or literal extrapolated definition of my new rock-solid gold A Plus catchphrase in the making, because kids respond more to pumped up silly, than jaded, lifeless, droll troll verbosity.

One time, I gave my son a gentle hip toss on top of our bed, forgetting Art Show possess a bouncy ball spine, which sent Feather Foot flying off the bed inches away from smashing his head into the dresser from the sheer powerful bounce off the bed. Earlier tonight, he came into say hello when I was writing and I asked him he he wanted an elevator lift drop, but before lifting him up high , I give a voice to his own internal thoughts and say, “Daddy, don’t get carried away, with your elevator lift drop, I still have a bouncy ball stuck in my spine remember?” And my pitch perfect son laughs long time again. But if I wasn’t constantly talking around my son inside the womb and out, or using humor to help diffuse potentially traumatic, accidental dramatic situations, my children would suffer from anxiety like Kevin Love, despite him being NBA royalty, banging everything that moved at UCLA I’m assuming, owning an NBA ring, and never shamed for forgetting Lebron’s elaborate, inner sanctum, safe space, frat boy conjuring hand slap dances on the TNT.

Do you need to be a laugh hog in order to be a good parent? No, but you better recognize the importance of bringing the funny old man, or else, your kids will tune into mama, like the dronish, Scarlett Johansson in the movie Divorced, and she never struck me as a lightening rod of electric conversational might, AI, enhanced in her, in Her or if she’s the beneficiary of a Woody Allen punched up personality during his Scarlet Johansson phase or not. What was Woody’s new film supposed to be about again? Let me guess, some old creep who bangs a teenager again, called, Crimes and Misdemeanors, the Early Years. He took Kodak pictures of Sun Yee, only to stuff them in his top sock drawer, for safe keeping. The only thing missing was an old copy of Sun Yee on the cover of Time Life Magazine.

Does Soon Yee even have vocal cords? So, what’s my point? Boring kids is bad parenting. And F empathy, just be funnier old man. Your kids or grandkids fading interest in your company depends on it. Use your kids as open mikes, take creative chances, add levity to the situation instead of freaking out in disproportion to your kid spilling a drink at the dinner table. In Iran, they throw gays off roof tops after castration, so I’d say, we let our kid’s off light because the Media will be freaking out regardless anyway. Because our kids learn to laugh at our mistakes, in addition to American comedy exceptionalism, not on Al Jazeera or detected on Late Night with Stephen Colbert these days, whose command of funny these days, is like the state of our union, shaky.

I don’t want to be best supporting dad. That’s like winning best side bitch. Dads today are expected to do more than just get their wives pregnant every other 2 years, planned or not. So, try bossing through clowning around your kids more. It works, and don’t overuse your yelling voice or your kid won’t be able to distinguish you from CNN. Act like you’re genuinely excited to make your children happy, relying own your personality and imagination, instead of outsourcing their children’s entertainment to Baby Yoda and the mope maligned, Millennial Mouseketeer Darth Vader, the most petulant, annoying, grandson addition to an ex iconic franchise, I could give to BB 8 shits about.

Boring kids is bad parenting. You act like you want nothing to do with your only divorced daughter. You want to act like date night every Friday night is so much important than making sure she’s dealing with her new half baby brother, removing any remaining spotlight in her honor away from her, with your new wife, fine. No wonder I can feel the embedded jealousy, as I lift my son for an ariel double decker knee nosh sandwich for the road.

Social Justice is Dad proving he’s got the tools necessary to outshine scary mommy on the big stage, if he cares about about being more than mama’s side bitch underling forever. I’m very proud of raising kids who respect and recognize funny. There’s actual hope Do It All Dad Nation, for you to reclaim your status as the leading in-house star attraction of your house. It’s our last safe space for politically incorrect humor. Be a family man clown hero for your kids. Do you want your best friend to be the final speaker for your eulogy? I’d rather have my 1st born daughter, close the ceremony and own the room and start with, “Thanks for the laughs Daddy. Good luck trying to tune out my Dad out now God. You thought Joan Rivers sounds like a loudmouth on the rag. I just hope daddy opens with proven material and doesn’t wing it, unless he wants the challenge of coming back to life after dying the moment, he broke on through to the other side, where only the lady laugh lover clowns roam.”

Michael Kornbluth

Getting Laughs Is Serious Business

Kids don’t have to be closer to Mommy than Daddy.

I’m doing kettle bell exercises with my daughter in the garage to strengthen her core, so she doesn’t become an easily pushed around putz like her daddy was growing up. Since then, I’ve fought back for self-respect through punchlines but I’d rather my daughter not still be stuck in a permanent counter punch mode into her encroaching upon mid-forties, 3 kids later like her aspiring Do It All Dad either. Daughter finishes her kettle bell lunge exercise and says, “Daddy, most girls in my school aren’t close to their Dad’s. But it doesn’t have to be that way forever fellas.

Your kids can actually be closer to dad than mommy and I’m living proof of it since I become a full time stay at home comedian dad 8 years ago and earned my doctorate in comedy control. It’s not a popularity contest, but it upset me knowing young girls at my daughter’s school don’t talk about their dads with tremendous affection or have much intimate bonds to emote about at school within their inner sanctum, who would care most to hear about it.

Thing is, when you become a parent, you spent the majority of your time with your kids, even if you have a full-time job outside the house. You come home from work; kids are still there. Wake up first thing in the morning, yeah, you’re kids are still breathing, living, beacons of shimmering light, brightening your heart like no other, when they’re not preventing from you getting more writing down at home in the service of securing a talent agent and preventing them from starving to death.

A famous humorist, Victor Borge said, “Laughter is the shortest distance between 2 people.” So, if a man wants to feel closer to their kids than mommy for a change, then dad needs to get serious about making their kids laugh more than their kids Amazon Kindles.

Making your kids laugh more matter if you care about pleasing your most adoring fans in the making, but you must be a cheerful giver and showcase a desire to make them laugh and earn the deepened love connections which unfurl as a result.

Making sincere compliments about your kids when they say something funny, helps their expressive confidence and develops their heightened sense of funny also. When my daughter was 4, she stepped on her pink Disney acoustic guitar. I said, “Matilda you never step on your guitar and she says, “But Jimi played with his teeth.” Once my daughter says, “Daddy if Uncle John doesn’t show up to your funeral, I’ll kill him.” Is your daughter’s professing such Kill Bill revenge proclamations in your honor enough to make Shakespeare blush during his tragedy play phase? I didn’t think so.

Recently, I was visiting my parents in Arizona after my dad had a heart scare. My mom says, ” You’re always talking about getting laughs. Why is that so important to you?” At the time, I’m thinking, “Because I’ve worked really hard at being funny and maximizing a special gift God gave me, which makes me feel ultra unique, prideful and elated from growing closer to my children through my use of it as a result. Also, when your mom writes you letter once, stating, don’t expect me to ever show an interest in your comedy career because my dad didn’t care about my banking career. Or says before you leave back home to NY, “It kills me knowing my son’s Trump supporter, I mean you’re smart.” Or when I told my dad, I had quit stand up 2 kids later and he says, “It was cute while it lasted.” Or, “Nobody cares about your political opinions”, once you launch your own podcast in attempt to restart your comedy career and break on through the other side and snag an agent of some kind already. This accumulation of resistance really forces you to dig deep and assess why do you care so much about getting laughs for a living? Why is getting laughs such serious business for me? Because I’m good at it and it makes me feel good, especially when my 3 kids laugh long time from me doing my best, most giving version of myself.

My dentist this week, is talking about more fillings and root canal work, and I make a comment about having to declare bankruptcy because of him, because I’m already so broke, my Hebrew name is under judicial review. He says, “I know you always like to joke and not be serious.” But that’s fake news, because if I wasn’t serious about being funny, I wouldn’t have dedicated 3 years of my life to recording a podcast, and distill those greatest joke hits in the form of stand-up comedy album, Resist This, with an album cover, sporting a Resist This Hat, with an American Flag on it on a mic, at a comedy club, in front of an audience full of pussy hat wearing resistor, humorless, twitter twats in attendance.

I hate how comedy is always relegated to the kid table of seriousness because it’s so much harder to create than writing another tragedy when some poor schmuck runs out of options to support himself or family and decides to blow his brains out instead, of doing more advanced dreaded networking via LinkedIn.

Getting laughs is serious business, especially among your children, because it’s the difference between your family becoming a close family tribe, or another dumpy, distant, uninspired, hate filled, bitter feuding family like the rest.

Getting laughs is serious business, especially for stay at home comedian dads, because we need all the wins we can get it.

Getting laughs is serious business because stay at home dad comedians, can’t survive without effusive, rock solid love from their children.

Getting laughs is serious business for me because it’s who I am, it’s what I’ve dedicated the lion share of my life towards.

At this point of my life, getting laughs is no longer about being more well liked. It’s about fighting back for what I believe in with all punchy inspired might. And what is that unshakable belief, I’m so committed to expressing despite how it’s strained relationships with my wife, fake news friends from my past, in addition to my younger brother and own parents? The belief is, I wasn’t put on this earth to never bore my fellow man to death with unoriginal group think. Nor was I put here to give into fear of not making it, despite so called insurmountable odds and over hyped perceptions of all the dreaded competition. But it’s a young man’s game, they say. Yeah, I’m calling fake news bull shit for the all the above because you possess zero life wisdom in your twenties, which is why Eddy Murphy’s Raw is him doing deflective homophobic material and defending his use of the f bomb for twenty minute of his set.

Before Trump ran for President, he told his son, “Now we find out who are real friends are.” Well, I learned the same lesson, when I decided to throw myself into becoming a full time stay at home comedian, 3 kids later, with my podcast and books and comedy record release. And it’s my children above all else, who are the most invested in success on my own terms, not defined by other’s limited ideas of what level of success I’m capable of achieving.

Do I need a star on Hollywood Blvd. to make me feel a like star Do It All Dad? It wouldn’t hurt. But for now, all I need is my son suggesting we hang his new Wolfie stuffed animal from a high dangling wire outside or Cajun restaurant in New Paltz because I’m committed to being seriously silly around my children and executing my son’s hilarious vision. Snuggling up with my son this morning, on the couch to take in the glorious, bleak yet hilarious shot of his wolfie hanging down from a wire, normally used for outdoor lighting, lit our collective hearts like no other and that’s why getting laughs is serious business and should start mattering to do it all dads who wouldn’t mind the spotlight of their kids love to shine brighter over them than mommy for a change.

Michael Kornbluth

You’re Funnier Than Your Kid’s Kindle

My 2-year-old daughter bites my wife’s nipple hard. Then, my wife engages in a lengthy wind up that feels like 10 Mississippi, before giving our daughter, a gentle yet firm enough slap on the cheek, to ensure she never dares to chomp off her nipple again with such booby milk ravished fury. It worked, my wind-up slap on her younger brother’s bum once because he was ranting and raving about going to day care for Pre-K after he hits his baby brother away for trying to console him, didn’t. Maybe, I’m just making up the part about his baby brother trying to console him, so Child Services doesn’t come knocking on my door before I complete this post. Regardless, the cold wall of isolation erected between my 4- year-old son, during our car ride to Pre-K that day, chilled to me the core, especially after my pitch perfect boy, proclaims, “I’m never talking to you ever again.” My future happiness started to escape me like the leaf in American Beauty. Then, my old school Improv acting skills, honed from UCB and Second City 101 kicked into high gear, after the sensation of repelling the room’s interest in caring about whether I’m funny for one more second, before I started to hit my own bum while driving my son to Pre-K school. I blurt, “Hey, Arthur, next time I get angry, I’ll start hitting my own bum.” At this point, I’m hitting my bum with real menacing fury and I won my son’s love back. Thank God, so it’s not too late for you either.

Here are some other pearls of comedic wisdom to control your kids better with comedy. You’re welcome.

Comedy Control Rules

Do Mad Libs because you invent new expressions like dead weight conversationalists to describe Turtle from Entourage next time, he opens his trimmed mouth about the perpetually cursed Knicks on First Take.

15 words to encapsulate my story about how controlling our kids with comedy can make our kids great again.

Relaxed, loose, tingly, silly, high, bombastic, hilarious, alive, excitement, pride, respect, electric, love, God, family, blood, bonding, laughter.

Darker the Better

Read your kids Shel Silverstein poems plenty and they won’t become such easily triggered, nervous wrecks at the sight of a MAGA hat, I promise you.

Other Comedy Control Rules

Kids like it your when you urge them to stop trying to smash your family jewels into Fuji Dust.

Baby loves it when I play Baby Back Harmonia Rib on his rib, because it makes him laugh out loud, with spastic delight long time.

Use nicknames to cultivate a culture of fun at home without any malicious, self-esteem hindering overtones like Waste of Height.

Own the Kiddy Table and make up silly words when you can. Dr. Seuss peaked early. You don’t have to.

God loveth a cheerful giver, who hits their kids with over the top act out buffoonery. Mimicking their ridiculous behavior works like a charm every time as a reflection of how cray, cray, they’re behaving, works like a charm every time.

Never Underestimate the Laugh Power of Surprise

Falling putzy apple tree, two, no four, no infinity times three. Before dropping your head into your kid’s midsection will yank laughs out long time.

You’re funnier than your kids Kindle, start acting like it.

At home with our kids, prize funny over money.

And always remember, funnier Dad, happier baby. You want a photo off old man? I didn’t think so.

Michael Kornbluth

Funnier Dad, Happier Baby

My 2-year-old daughter bites my wife’s nipple hard. Then, my wife engages in a lengthy wind up that feels like 10 Mississippi, before giving our daughter, a gentle yet firm enough slap on the cheek, to ensure she never dares to chomp off her nipple again with such booby milk ravished fury. It worked, my wind-up slap on her younger brother’s bum once because he was ranting and raving about going to day care for Pre-K after he hits his baby brother away for trying to console him, didn’t. Maybe, I’m just making up the part about his baby brother trying to console him, so Child Services doesn’t come knocking on my door before I complete this post. Regardless, the cold wall of isolation erected between my 4- year-old son, during our car ride to Pre-K that day, chilled to me the core, especially after my pitch perfect boy, proclaims, “I’m never talking to you ever again.” My future happiness started to escape me like the leaf in American Beauty. Then, my old school Improv acting skills, honed from UCB and Second City 101 kicked into high gear, after the sensation of repelling the room’s interest in caring about whether I’m funny for one more second, before I started to hit my own bum while driving my son. Pre-K school. I blurt, “Hey, Arthur, next, time I get angry, I’ll start hitting my own bum. At this point, I’m hitting my bum with real menacing fury and I won my son’s love back. Thank God, so it’s not too late for you either.

Here are some other pearls of comedic wisdom to control your kids better with comedy. You’re welcome.

Comedy Control Rules

 

Do Mad Libs because you invent new expressions like dead weight conversationalists to describe Turtle from Entourage next time, he opens his trimmed mouth about the perpetually cursed Knicks on First Take.

 

15 words to encapsulate my story about how controlling our kids with comedy can make our kids great again.

Relaxed, loose, tingly, silly, high, bombastic, hilarious, alive, excitement, pride, respect, electric, love, God, family, blood, bonding, laughter.

 

Darker the Better

Read your kids Shel Silverstein poems plenty and they won’t become such easily triggered, nervous wrecks at the sight of MAGA hat, I promise you.

 

Other Comedy Control Rules

Kids like it your when you urge them to stop trying to smash your family Jewels into Fuji Dust.

Baby loves it when I play Baby Back Harmonia Rib on his rib, because it makes him laugh out loud, with spastic delight long time.

Use nicknames to cultivate a culture of fun at home without any malicious, self-esteem hindering overtones like waste of height.

 

Own the Kiddy Table and make up silly words when you can. Dr. Seuss peaked early. You don’t have to.

 

God loveth a cheerful giver, who hits their kids with over the top act buffoonery, mimicking their ridiculous behavior works like a charm every time.

 

Never Underestimate the Laugh Power of Surprise

Falling putzy apple tree, two, no four, no infinity times three. Before dropping your head into your kid’s midsection will yank laughs out long time.

 

You’re funnier than your kids Kindle, start acting like it.

 

 

At home with our kids prize Funny Over Money.

 

And always remember, funnier Dad, happier baby. You want a photo off old man? I didn’t think so.

 

Michael Kornbluth

Do It All Dad Talk

Children are for family upgrades.

God only gives unplanned kids, to only the lonely. And this funny man giant is lonely no more.

Funnier Dad, happier baby. You want a photo off old man?

My daughter Singing Rose is the best bud Sarah Silverman never had. After taking one bite into Do It All Dad’s home made Burrata bomb pizza made with cherry roasted tomatoes from our garden, she says in the kindest, most heaven sent tone imaginable, “Daddy, I know you really want to be comedian but can’t you be a pizza maker in Heaven instead?”

Controlling our kids with comedy can make our kids great again. My 3 fuss free kids the majority of the time, are living proof of it.

My 1st son Art Show USA, already passed his class clown test before entering Kindergarten, yelling at our hard to hear voice powered speaker Assistant with extreme disgust, “Cortana, throw yourself out the window already.”

My son Chosen Curls was bound to woo. Random grandmothers at the Stop and Shop insist he’ll have 3 girlfriends to juggle when he get’s older. My reply? If James Woods had this kid’s face, your estimates wouldn’t be so conservative.

Having a 3rd kid shows who passes the friendship litmus test or not.

Generous pours of love in the form of nice bourbon to usher in the birth of your lucky number three is one to savor and cherish because it acknowledges the fact how nothing beats a newborn dad kind of love.

Becoming a Do It All Dad doesn’t mean your childless younger brother will become less serially selfish. Who still makes Hunter Biden feel like an underachiever.

GenX parents understand Baby Boomer arrogance never dies.

Breast feeding is responsible for my 3 kids angelic complexions. Daycare kids are pasty, all looking like they took a load to the face with an Elmer’s Glue Gun.

Grandparent bad manners, is them missing out on the best of your kids, while waiting at home for more breaking news on blue balls Mueller reports and fake news impeachment witch hunts with less legs than Lieutenant Dan.

Kids are human sponges of emotion. If you feel enraged at your wife for treating you like a starless, over the hill, neutered hipster dad, they get upset but not in an understated, passive aggressive, ironic detached way.

If Do It All Dad feels extreme joy for getting his debut album Resist This on I-Tunes, his 3 kids take your post giddyness higher, by quoting your own material, hollering in pitch perfect unison, “Can I get a holla, for some Challah?

God didn’t give me 3 kids to have a panic attack over it. Obviously, God never had the same confidence in Pete Davidson, the rebound boy toy king of Generation Z.

Facebook has made out of state Baby Boomers comfortably numb as virtual grandparents from afar.

You don’t need to spend a mini fortune on personal trainers when you have children. I’ll say to my daughter, “Matilda, daddy hasn’t had a beer in 9 days.” Her reply? Real impressive Dada, you’ve never even made it to double digits.” Or I’ll say to my son, “Dada didn’t run on the treadmill because I strained my calf muscle on it again. His response, “Enough with the excuses Dada. You’re worse than Hillary.”

Why are my kids so behaved in public? I don’t stand down and let them run wild like ANTIFA for starters.

Making your kids understand being an asshole to their siblings is unacceptable behavior, which won’t go unpunished, highlights when they’ve crossed line from harmless rambunctious jostling, to hurtful, physically assaultive, over the top prickishness.

One must remember kids repeat curse words you emphasize to point out bad behavior to be discouraged. So use funnier alternatives than asshole like Tuchus Hole or my new personal favorite anus hole, just so you can hear your lucky number 3, about to become 3 next month, repeat after Do It All Dad, “Don’t be an anus hole, Dada.”

Michael Kornbluth