Vegas HBO Special Dreaming

I think it’s great you’re still doing comedy at your age means they don’t like funny Jews for real.

You’d rather have W as President over Trump? I don’t see Trump freeze up after learning the World Trade Center was hit because he felt like a sucker puppet pawn bitch of the deep state, you deplorable east coast townie hick.

Seinfeld just auctioned off some Porsches for charity. I hope half of those proceeds went to Larry’s kids. Can I get a holla? For some A list, yenta breath dumpage, Challah.

New Yorkers are having less babies than ever, especially in Brooklyn. Fat hipsters are pulling out early from meat sweats.

INT. Jet Blue

Model

On Adderall I feel like I can do everything.

Do It All Dad

Then why haven’t you tried to make me cum with ferocious eye fucking intensity like Jenna Jameson with your cloths on yet? Focus and crank up the dosage already.

INT. HIPSTER BAR-VAN NUYS, CA

Do It All Dad

You don’t see a Pear Saison every day. And this one doesn’t taste like sour vase water either.

INT. PALAZZO-VEGAS

Marc Cuban walks solo in my direction on the casino floor.

Do It All Dad

Congrats on snagging KP for a box of Cotton Candy Cuban. Uni will fly again.

Marc Cuban laughs long time.

Aerosmith in Vegas was perfection. Sweet Emotion, Rag Doll, Chip Away At The Stone, Rag Doll, Toys In The Attic, Dream On of course, even Angel on the piano for a bit. And Joe Perry made Slash sound heavily formulaic in comparison.

Similar to seeing any Dead show or Roger Waters at the MSG doing the Wall before becoming Linda Sarsour’s go to fluffer to secrete slimier, hate spewage on CNN. It was impossible not to sing the entirety of lyrics for most of the Aeorsmith songs in Vegas baby.

My old LA bud invites our Marquee bottle service waitress to see Aerosmith which makes my presence feel depreciated like Hillary, the 1st time Bill brought home Paula Jones after giving a speech on saving the Aardvarks.

I screened a random sliz my friend invited to see Aerosmith at the last sec. Big Aerosmith fan huh? Whose six pack woud you rather do bumps on Perry or Tyler? She says. Hard choice. I say. Fine you pass. At least, you didn’t say Meatloaf.

I saw Allan Houston at the Wynn in town for the NBA summer league. Dolan must have given him tenure because he looked chiller than Eddie Griffin in his trailer on 420 sipping banana Daiquiri’s on the set of Deuce Bigalow 2.

INT. JFK BAR

Random Girl

My father would love your podcast. He’s retired in Fort Myers, Florida and bored out of his mind.

Do It All Dad

My podcasts are more frequent and tad less self-referential than Trump rallies.

Old bud annoying me again. Reminding me why he stayed out my life as long as he did.

So pumped you got on stage. I need to grow a pair again.

No, you need to get better at writing jokes and detecting passive aggressive, cloaked backhanded compliments.

Actually, I did more than just go on stage and bare my best gems from the past 3 years. I actually scored laughs and freedom of speech celebrating coolness cred from real deal hippy Dead Head musician hippies man.

22 U.N countries condemn China for its Muslim concentration camps. AOC wasn’t invited for the grand tour. I don’t think Amir has the balls to ask for Halal only meals. And I still don’t think the Chinese give a shit about proper teeth care. Most of the communist leaders of China look better with air masks on than off.

Apple co-founder urges all to delete their Facebook account because Facebook sold your private info to Cambridge Analytica. God forbid, the Trump campaign use that info to garget ads based on Toby Keith playlists likes and shares.

INT. JET BLUE

Model

Are you a Trump supporter?

Do It All Dad

Yes, but you’ve enjoyed my playful banter such as me insisting my wife drove my neck into your Volley Ball strong hands by never offering me a ride to the airport.

INT. BAR-JFK

Do It All Dad

Why didn’t the bartender think I was with you scrumptious sisters? He didn’t ask for my drink order because I’m white privilege incarnate, whose always been 1st in line for everything.

Scrumptious sisters laugh long time.

Bill Maher ripped Bill Clinton for visiting Lolita Island 22 times in the past.

Bill’s production company is called Kid Love Productions.

He has to care about the kids. It’s his company’s mission statement of proclamation for Christ sake.

Least sexiest sentence in the English language.
Twitter’s algorithm’s are preventing Bill Mitchell’s tweets from being read.

You mean the ones about how Jeff Sessions was a White Walker instead of being an overrated hick?

A stay at home dad from Kansas was invited to the White House for a conservative summit. But only accepted the invite if his identity was concealed because he feared retaliation from his family.

ANTIFA’s in Kansas now? We’re so screwed, Toto.

Delete your Facebook account. Doesn’t your privacy matter to you anymore Yes, that’s why I defriended my parents on Facebook. Not that I post on Facebook anymore but it’s my intention to block them from a front row seats of their grandchildren playing without them that counts.

Whenever I see Ben Shapiro trending on Twitter, I want to puke up uncooked Matzo meal. Did Ben not get invited to the White House for Trump’s conservative Social Media summit? Because the Jewish Tucker minus the preppy ties is overkill.

I hate the expression Conservative Social Media Personalities. None of them have one. Bill Mitchell couldn’t score a dandruff commercial in 86. Candace Owens is very factual. She’s a more colorful alternative to Charlie Kirk but not really.

 

Conservative social media personalities were invited to the White House today to discuss big tech censorship. Are they allowed to admit how much more sophisticated and funnier they felt about themselves after reading Milo’s rushed, laugh free, fake news deep book?

I hate indifferent Roulette spinners in Vegas.

I’m obviously losing only on my kids birthdays again and again.

I’d welcome any negative spin over the humorless mute act.

Look like your kids were born under unlucky signs.

INT. JET BLUE

PILOT

The door turns into a raft.

Do It All Dad

I picked the right day, to quit collecting Marlboro miles.

I hate woman who think they can just grab your bottle of Grey Goose. Which your friend drops 3 grand on for bottle service at the club, just for the alleged, turn on of his crew being in sniffing distance of such classy, fine tail.

Waiting on line at Starbucks is like waiting on burn out pretension in a cup. After you’ve assumed control of your speed addiction, money and time at home using Nespresso pods and a French Press instead.

Best compliment in Vegas.

When you do your HBO special in Vegas.

Now, that’s a compliment, a very giving one, from a one time divorced, Jewish realtor from the valley no less. I’ll take it. Love you back to dude.

 

Michael Kornbluth

American Pie Beauties

I’ve got 3 kids. I’ve aged well I know, since my TV debut on the reality TV show Blind Date. All I got out of the show a was free meal and herpes.

INT. BARNES AND NOBLE
Do It All Dad
They made the Mueller Report into a book? Like Chinese Democracy by Axl Rose, he took forever to write it. Plus, both releases ended in blue balls for Rob Reiner.

Me summarizing the Declaration of Independence for my kids.

It was America’s more stately way of telling Mother England to choke on a scone. Insisting Thomas Jefferson wasn’t staying loyal to the Queen or into mole infested fever. Moving forward, America would only pledge Greek fraternities on US college campuses for easier access to high grade American Pie.

Michelle Obama is doing films for Netflix now? What’s her 1st project, a Tina Turner film remake about herself retitled, What’s Talent Got To Do With It?

If a Baby Boomer lifts a finger, it’s liking a pic of their grandchildren on Facebook. Or my mother in law using Emoji’s to overcompensate for her colorless personality on top of being a retarded emotional expressionist.

INT. HOME
Wife
I’m just exhausted.
Do It All Dad
I thought you were just depressed at how much fun the 3 kids and I had today without you. Funnier dad happier babies. Our fuss free kids for the most part are living proof of it.

Michael Kornbluth

Busting British Balls

The U.S is just OK New York Times?

Actually, it’s horrific knowing scumbag propagandist dirt rags like the NY Times receive a Pulitzer for reporting on Harvey Hair Clumps Weinstein 2 decades after the fact. You’re less than shit, not America baby, USA, USA.

Kal Penn’s Sunnyside may be NBC’s best hope for the fall in 2019. Will Delbasio make affordable housing in Sunnyside available for ANTIFA? Does he provide immunity from aggravated assault by issuing a stand down, restraining order against the NYPD?

Facebook is reconsidering nudity. I thought James L Brooks was in desperate need of attention.

What did woman attending Gwyenth Paltrow’s wellness summit, think they’d get out of it? Vaginal health tips, such as refraining from bare backing with Ben Affleck, free samples of Guava Goop Mist for funky snatches in need of a rejuvenated expungement. What’s the advertising slogan for Guava Goop Mist? Your air of superiority awaits you.

My new move now whenever I score a laugh from my children in front of my stuck up English mother in law, is to impersonate me drinking imaginary tea. My father in law wore a Man City shirt to our house for the 4th last year, so he can fuck his hurt feelings to.

Memo to Piers Morgan:
Alex Morgan’s celebration was distasteful?
Did she act out tea bagging an albino stiff? Who made Larry King come off as a mesmerizing pair of suspenders with good posture for a change.

 

Google doesn’t manipulate search results? I google my name and a lawyer humorist receives top billing over me. I’ve written 2 books, for TV twice, done 220 blogs 114 podcasts, 17 articles on GMP. 5000 plus contacts on LinkedIN. But he’s more popular. Got it.

I named my son Arthur Morrison Kornbluth just so my dad can say. Morrison isn’t Jewish. Yeah, but it creates a flow to Kornbluth. Plus, Brooks as a middle name would’ve given my son the permission to be a Jewish pussy.

INT. HOME
Wife shows me a hiking pic.
Wife
Told you my new work hippie nurse friend was hot.
Do It All Dad
Her arms are jacked from either hiking or giving plenty hand jobs to her husband to take the edge off bad coke. Pretty sure, Hunter’s expenditures on hookers and strippers proves he can afford the good stuff.

Michael Kornbluth

Lena Dunham Country

Colin Kaepernick talked Nike out of releasing their Betsy Ross flag sneakers because the flag for him is connected to slavery despite him getting a million dollar sneaker endorsement deal for never having to lace up his Nike cleats on the gridiron ever again. Not that any NFL team owner was ever trying to force a meeting with Kaepernick in the first place. Nor do I recall any NFL owner ever insisting Kaepernick work for free as an intern for CNN as Linda Sarsour’s go to fluffer.

Another reason Obama ruined everything. We can’t celebrate Independence Day weekend to the fullest, knowing Nike bowed to Colin Kaepernick’s demand to pull their Betsy Ross themed shoe because they confused him for Obama with talent many ions ago.

How did Colin Kapernick amass enough leverage within the Nike corporation to cock block their new line of Betsy Ross sneakers? Is he on the board of directors now, a co-producer on anything Obama does for Netflix, threaten to out MJ as a Republican?

At what point does the CEO Nike decide? Fuck the Betsy Ross flag sneaker. Kaepernick connects the flag with slavery. And he’s

Generation Z’s answer to Cornell West. He’s only half black, so he has a bigger race card part to play.

What’s the new Nike campaign these days? Pledge your allegiance to ANTIFA. Just do what Soros wants. Knee Uncle Sam in the nuts, again and again.

Collin Kaepernick talked Nike out of releasing their Betsy Ross flag sneakers. Because bi-racial adopted NFL busts connect the flag with slavery despite being paid the biggest, unemployment check in NFL history.

This is James Dolan blaming AOC on scaring away Durant from Manhattan. She scared Amazon from Queens. Also, can we start blaming New York City’s loser, repellent culture on De Blasio instead of me for a change? I don’t incite race wars against cops. Charles Oakley doesn’t count.

Why did Durant choose to play in Lena Dunham country over Midtown East? Because Herald Square by the Garden is considered cheesy, old and decrepit like op-ed writers for the NY Times. Plus, it offers the cheapest, least sexy office spaces available for IT staffing agencies on a shoe string budget.

Memo to Stephen A. Now you pine for KP? Only when pipe cleaner arm bolted for Brooklyn to become the NBA’s voice for the millennial mouseketeer generation. Has Jay Z paid crack baby reparations yet? Lena Dunham country is so coy, hot right now.

Durant chose Lena Dunham country over the Madison Square Garden because Ed Burn’s cameo in Entourage didn’t inspire him the way Uni pulling the trigger from way downtown like a Japanese Anime cartoon come to life did.

Michael Kornbluth

Nikki Sixx’s Snowflake Side

Stop calling nationalist a loaded word. The N bomb is a loaded word. ANTIFA lives matter, is an oxymoron.

How does an ANTIFA Terrorist in Portland, Oregon celebrate Mother’s Day? Take out the trash for once. Meaning, move out of the house for good.

INT. HOME
DO It All Dad
A gay journalist was beat up by ANTIFA in Portland yesterday.
Wife
I don’t want to hear it.
Do It All Dad
But you love Portland. Too bad, it’s no longer Bill Walton’s Portland babe.

Happy Triggering Day Advice:
Ivanka this, Ivanka that, Ivanka 2024.
1st Jewish, female American President bitches. Let’s see what feckless, tolerant cunts you are now.

An actor in the new Star Wars says, limited job offers for Muslim actors increases the odds in them becoming terrorists. So ANTIFA would go away, if only Ari Gold could score them a SAG card for yelling Nazi in unison for that elusive film credit?

Nikki Sixx now identifies with being a snowflake, based on the Republican use of the word to describe resistor twitter twats. He threw Axl around like a rag doll according to Circus Magazine back in the day.

Michael Kornbluth

Carter & The Dali Lama Enter A Bar

Trump is an illegitimate president Carter? Did Drago appear in 64 million voting booths, demanding, “Vote Trump or I’ll break you?” Stick to sanding your Farsi Alphabet blocks for your grandchildren.

Why should I give a shit about Jimmy Carter’s opinion again? The Islamic Revolution happened on your watch just like Hillary creating ISIS. North Korea used to conduct nuclear stress tests because of you.

Dali Lama insists Trump lacks “moral principle.” Pope says wall will make America a “prisoner of isolation.”
No advice for Obama’s social justice docs on Netflix? Or are they just jealous of Trump’s bigger following on Twitter?

Dali Lama on BBC.

My female successor would have to be attractive like Sharon Stone with no makeup on.

BBC Journalist replies.

But Sharon Stone is the white devil.

It looks like you’re in a real Kun-nun-drum, your holiness.

Dali Lama with Richard Gere.

Stick with prayer beads if you must.

But try showing some backbone next time and resist the temptation of animal anal stuffage for moral principle’s sake.

William Barr’s investigation has to be wrapping up. If Jimmy Carter and the Dali Lama are throwing in their horseshit sense before shit really hits the fan. Has Charlie Rose chimed in yet lately? No, I don’t date MILFS. Do you want a dic pic or not Rachel?

INT. PARK
Cop
You shouldn’t let your kids play unattended.
Do It All Dad
Like I could catch up with Speedy, you know who, if I tried. Or count on a sanctuary state like New York to release Speedy into his home country the following day, next day delivery.

INT. PARK
Cop
You shouldn’t let your kids play unattended.
Do It All Dad
Stop acting like I left my kids unsupervised at a pool party at John Podesta’s house. With enough pedo art installations to make Marilyn Manson blush.

INT. PARK
Cop
You shouldn’t let your kids play unattended.
Do It All Dad
Why is North Salem, home of the X Man mansion a no go zone now? Don’t you follow Q officer?
Cop
Whose Q?
Do It All Dad
The storm is coming alright.

Memo to Palmer Report:
Your deep state heroes are going to prison for sedition.
The Dalai Lama was reincarnated as a paid talking puppet for George Soros and company.
Ivanka wins by a landslide in 2024.
Your sanctuary city party is screwed.

Michael Kornbluth

My Millennial Mouseketeer Generation

INT. PIZZERIA
Do It All Dad
Do you think Durant will go down as the most tragic victim of cyberbullying of all time? Playing for Brooklyn, in Lena Dunham country would be such a KD move. He thinks he’s the voice for the Millennial Mouseketeer generation.
Pizza Manager laughs long time.

Since when should I give a shit about what Andre Iguodala says about anything? He was a sixth man on the most loaded guard team of all time, who came up big. So did Robert Horry, but I’m not clamoring for his book on his blah brained personality either.

If Michael Jackson were alive, what would his defense be? All the Beatles royalties points in the world, can’t buy me love.

“Fake News” and “Hate Speech” is how Trump won Google? I thought it was because more than half of America really hated Hillary Hammer Time Cankles. Happy doodling.

Leaked Google docs label Jordan Peterson a Nazi. I just thought he was anal about using the most exacting language possible to describe group think enslaved Twitter Twats addicted to latching on to fake news moralist grandstanding.

Google Exec defending herself on Medium for stating Google nation’s hurt feelings for Huma Licker Breath losing. We can’t let this happen again. We’ve got Chinese overlords on our Board of Directors to answer to. I think Marco Rubio is hot.

Dice and Roseanne are launching a Mr. and Mrs. America Comedy Tour. This is Dice.

Ivanka wanted Motely Crue to play at her dad’s inauguration because of Tommy Lee’s snake in his pants. Jared pleas. My Hebrew Hammer can’t compete Dad.

Trump has ties to Russia, duh. Most mail order bride owners do. Oh, would I love to give Melania a bang, Michelle Obama naked, meat bag boner gone.

Why do Trump and Melania sleep in separate beds? Does Donald need put his meat bag on ice from breaking off his joy stick in Melania’s muff mitt or what?

For the record, Valerie Jarret does live with Obama. She did author the nuke gifting Iran deal. So double down Roseanne and insist that horse faced wench Valerie Jarret is Obama’s Arabian Horse Whisperer on Fox News. I’d bang you again without the lights on.

Roseanne, how did you get so bangable all of a sudden? Is it your tan jugs, the blond highlights or the thought of you turning Tom Arnold into a fat, resistor, lesbian?

They still show Cosby show ads on TV land after commercials for Ambien in heavy rotation. But Roseanne’s show got canceled for a tweet, that makes sense.

The woman’s march on Washington. All I saw was a whole lot of Rosie’s sporting a whole lot of chin’s. I also thought. Talk about spreading your pussy hat supply thin.

Did you see the eye patch on Madonna? Did Jose Canseco drop a hot load in her eye for old times sake?

How blown up does Madonna’s snatch look by now? I bet it looks like it camel toed on to a landmine in the occupied territory. Oh, I can’t take no more.

INT. HOME
Plumber
My wife still likes Hillary also. Maybe, your book can convince her otherwise.
Do It All Dad
It can make your sex life above average again.

Am I the only person who doesn’t give a shit about sanctioning the Foreign Minister of Iran? Iran has less good will in the bank than Suge Knight. I want Kerry thrown in cuffs while wind surfing in the Cape this summer for sedition now.

Memo to Nicholas Kristof: Obama solved the nuclear crisis by nuke gifting Iran 150 billion, and putting the kibosh on Hezbollah money laundering, drug sting ring, because he didn’t want to disrupt his precious deal at the last sec? Got it, Mullah lover you.

Obama was seen on a boat in Italy with George Clooney. It wasn’t a banana boat float like the one Melo was on with Chris Paul & Lebron. Still, how does Obama not feel like second banana in this instance? At least Clooney did something of merit to win a prize.

Andy Richter, you know the unfunny, fat toad designed to make Conan come off as magnanimous? Yeah, so that hack accuses all evangelicals as “full of shit” for supporting Trump. Thank God you have a career in show biz at all, you dumpy, drollish, zero stage presence, parasite. Your boss wrote for the Simpsons with twenty-five other writers. We got it.

Isn’t there an unwritten man code that says barber shall not touch your fucking eyebrows in the midst of a beard trim unless specified? Even if I’m a unibrow Siamese twin who could use some personalized hubba, hubba, winkle for my own flirtation game.

Do It All Dad putting his foot down.
I can’t handle Colby asking you to write something in his yearbook. You belong to me and your two brothers for the indefinite future. I’m happy for you.
Younger brother blurts. I’m not happy for you.

When your wife voices concerns, about rat infestations and drowning of your kids because of your own doing. You don’t regret voicing concerns of your wife boring your kids to death in your debt book without your steadying presence around as much.

Michael Kornbluth

Hillary Knows Cybersecurity

Picking Hillary Clinton as the keynote speaker for a Cybersecurity Summit is like Shawn Kemp teaching a seminar on pulling out in a parody of Tom Cruise from Magnolia by the Duplass Brothers.
But seriously, why is Hillary Clinton getting paid to give a speech at the Cybersecurity Summit via Skye next door to her comprised, yet quaint server farm in her Chappaqua home? Was the CEO of Sony too consumed with assuring Kevin Hart they wouldn’t shortchange him and pay him to plug his movies to his Twitter followers.

Hillary Clinton speaking at a Cybersecurity summit is like R Kelly getting paid to babysit the latest Kardashian out of the womb.

Will Hillary be giving a seminar on how to throw off FBI investigators looking into emailing Top Secret intel to dummy non-work email addresses like yourmamaobama@gmail.com?

Hilary giving a speech on Cybersecurity is like hiring Kevin Durant as the keynote speaker on how drain out the noise of Cyberbullying.

Who decides to pay Hillary Clinton to give a speech on Cybersecurity exactly? Did the CEO of Norton Anti-Virus feel he owed her for failing to block out Anthony Weiner’s personal dick pick posing stash from the feds?

What was the Cybersecurity roundtable thinking, allowing Hillary Hammer Time Cankles to be a featured speaker their summit? Only Charlie Sheen whiffed more at the AVN Adult Entertainment expo.
Paying good money to hear Queen Hillary give you a dissertation on password protection is like peeing money away on a golden shower based Russian dossier with less legs than Lieutenant Dan.

How is Hillary a respected authority on Cybersecurity again? I thought only Lorne Michaels gave paid host spots to Seth Myers in the form of participation trophies for coming across as a forgettable, humorless, blood draining boring stiff on SNL.

Michael Kornbluth

 

 

 

Shameless Debut Book Plug

Controlling our kids with comedy can make our kids great again, my behaved, super sweet, fuss free kids as a whole are living proof of it.

 

I’d like to think my WordPress followers would’ve developed a heightened interest in devouring a copy already.

 

Thanks again, for making the process of writing this book an interactive, less lonely one.

 

Below is my first universal book link to Barnes, Kobo, Apple, Amazon, you name it, thanks to Draft 2 Digital.

books2read.com/u/mKEjVv

 

Michael Kornbluth