Idolatry Is Off The List Kids

This is me explaining idolatry to my daughter. “So God, Hashem, the most high hates the worship of false idols like Good Will Hoodie, Nancy Denture Breath Pelosi, Blowhard Trump, NPR’s inflated sense of self-worth because they don’t get paid hefty salaries for huge ratings, Planned Parenthood’s insistence on declaring it’s entirely your body without God playing any starring role in creating a smoking hot enough body, boasting swinging 36 D’s to get pregnant by mistake again.” Daughter says, “What if I want to get into Buddha?” I reply, “Only if you have a verifiable photographic memory. Plus, God has no problem with you incorporating meditation in your life.” Daughter says, “What’s meditation?” I say, “It’s a series of breathing exercises you do with your eyes closed to feel like a less all over the place Jew.” Daughter says, “You’re not very good at Mediation, are you Daddy? Fine, idolatry is off the list.”, Holla, thank you Hashem, the most high very much.

Michael Kornbluth

The Repulsive Marriage Model

Kids won’t be running to the altar if they see their parents fight all the time, like they’re constantly rehearsing for Summer Slam on Pay Per View at Miami International Airport. The problem is my wife views herself as Miss Elizabeth whose above reproach, and I’m the hot head speed freak like Macho Man because I’m on Adderall again to focus less on how annoying my wife can be whenever she accuses me of being the controlling one, who prevents her from working out on the Peloton. Am I preventing her from waking up early to squeeze in a ride for a change? No, all I do is bite my tongue regretting the day I ever fell in love with a woman who has to buy Kardashian Jeans, despite not being on top of the Porcupine Persian Puss Chain. I need to come up with a stronger finishing move to end our fights because giving my wife a pile driver into The Handmaid’s Tale coffee table book to get her mouth wired shut after I insist on us squashing it prior, isn’t getting the job done, holla, thank every much.

I just saw a shot of Kim Kardashian studying for the bar exam in a bikini on Instagram, so she can practice social justice law in LA to make squatting rights, outside her compound in Valencia go viral. Social Justice Lawyers are so hot right now. I bet a new variant of COVID will descend upon America by the time she passes the bar in 2022. By then all our jails will emptied to protect MS13 rapists from catching an itchy Esophagus after he tears off the top of a Goya can to give himself a Tear tattoo on the tip of his dick. So what difference does it make? Holla, thank you very much.

It’s hard to remain attracted to your wife when she’s constantly blaming you for never putting her cloths away. Her argument is, “You’re always in the room working on new books and jokes or talking shit about my mother again. So I never have time to put them away.” But she can find 3 hours to dye her hair partially pink before work to work in Labor and Delivery at the hospital to secure her Punk Rock Girl, Indie cred on Instagram soon after, after squeezing in some more elaborate dance routines on Tik Tok again? How is labor and delivery at her hospital so busy again? I thought woman in New York were having less kids these days because overweight, hobbit hipsters were pulling out prematurely from excessive meat sweats. At the same time Lena Dunham encouraging her millions of followers to rock the arm flapper look while resembling the hunchback of Bushwick during Restaurant Week isn’t helping, holla, thank you very much.

My youngest one Samuel, billed as Hardcore Hunga in the WWE Squirts League, has the right idea at 4 already, admitting to me last night, “Daddy, “Playing with my pee-pee tunnel is my favorite thing to do.” I say, “Then, you’ll have no problem staying married then.” Holla, thank you very much.

Michael Kornbluth

Everyday Is Standing Down Day

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Everyday Is Standing Down Day

How did the Twitter mob become scarier than Denzel in Training Day? I don’t care how many body cameras the cop is wearing. If you try to catch a criminal on the run, resisting arrest with a high resolution body camera on, the Twitter mob will still automatically brand you a racist cracker for thinking you could outrun a black guy cranked up on Crystal Meth. Next, you’ll lose your pension, a member of ANTIFA or BLM will dox your home address and the cop will be forced to accept a job as a bouncer, hired to drag out workers from cruddy office bathrooms left in Midtown Manhattan for jerking off without a mask on, as they croon in their best white southern accent, “You don’t come around here no more.”  

What incentive is there to catch criminals on the run anymore? New York City doesn’t even require bail anymore. Celebs bail out members of ANTIFA and BLM because they love the idea of terrorizing anyone who voted for Trump who dares to try eating Al Fresco in peace and quiet ever again. Imagine being harassed by ANTIFA protestors for wearing a white polo shirt the day after Labor Day while dining Al Fresco on the Upper East Side? The research analyst for Barclays Bank finally loses his temper and yells, “Fuck your charges of White Priveledge ANTIFA. You white motherfuckers in black hoodies don’t stay in jail for shit. I buy my polo shirts at the Salvation Army just like Vampire Weekend. I also work for an English bank, so I’m obviously down with open border takeovers mate.”

Cuomo blocks ICE from using the NYPD database to catch rapist criminals who don’t belong in our country in the 1st place. Because homeland security was so Weapons of Mass Destruction Years.  But turning our cities into safe space sanctuaries for thug lives matters most, will make our cities great again. Is it me or are sanctuary cities the equivalent of legalized lawlessness on crack? Fuck, today in your New York City you can be fined 25-grand for using hurtful language on Illegal Aliens such as, “No speak English.” Whose translating these insults for Juan exactly? Now, all illegal immigrants in NY, regardless of getting testing for COVID or not, get a free Driver’s License to vote Democrat and a hate speech translator to bankrupt Apu at a Bodega in Flushing, holla, thank you very much.

Cops have lost all incentive to catch criminals on the run. Or they’ll be charged with being white supremacists for refusing to take a knee, even if their fat asses require taking a breather after packing on the COVID 50 for refusing to socially distance from more donuts and carbs for the past 15 months and counting.

So, unless a cop wants to be branded as a troublemaking Serpico in the making, they’re better off noshing on Jamaican beef patties and sticking to serving arrest warrants for Rabbis reopening Yeshiva schools in the name of sanity preservation science. At least, Orthodox woman are allowed to show their 20 kids TV, holed up in a 2 bedroom walkup with no AC.

But seriously, cops today are accountable for policing the way Lebron is held accountable for traveling with his head down into congested traffic during the NBA finals.

If cops don’t give a criminal in pursuit, a chance to get away by giving them a head start of least 80 million Mississippi, then you don’t care about affirmative action or evening the playing field for fatherless kids acting out against all forms of authority as a result at large.

Do undercover cops even exist anymore? Or has that unit of the NYPD been defunded all together? Mask mandates make everyone look incognito these days, so what difference does it make? Holla, thank you very much.

If an undercover cop takes a knee, it means he’s still down with wearing Nike Sweatsuits no matter what.

Cops have so much free time on their hands these days, they’ve signed up for baking classes at the 92 Street Y. They’re making ravioli from scratch. At least Fireman still run into the line of fire, thank you very much.

Fireman shouldn’t get too attached to their hoses, especially if they’re being used to cool off ANTIFA when they try to burn down a marine recruitment office in Berkley whenever the big, bad, Ben Shapiro is planned to give another dronish speech on how to own Marxists masked as do good Democrats for hire.

Community policing, whatever that is, is where our country is heading, the more you see cops cruising in police cars with their masks still on. Keep the mask on cop. You don’t want the FBI raiding your home to haul your ass to jail for pirated cable just so you can watch more Newsmax retrospectives on fake news charges of widespread election fraud to commemorate Biden’s fist 100 days in office, since the day Democracy died.   King Kong ain’t got shit on ANTIFA and BLM Mahoney, More jokes GenX dads understand, holla, thank you very much,.

Michael Kornbluth

Everyday Is Standing Down Day

How did the Twitter mob become scarier than Denzel in Training Day? I don’t care how many body cameras the cop is wearing. If you try to catch a criminal on the run, resisting arrest with a high resolution body camera on, the Twitter mob will still automatically brand you a racist cracker for thinking you could outrun a black guy cranked up on Crystal Meth. Next, you’ll lose your pension, a member of ANTIFA or BLM will dox your home address and the cop will be forced to accept a job as a bouncer, hired to drag out workers from cruddy office bathrooms left in Midtown Manhattan for jerking off without a mask on, as they croon in their best white southern accent, “You don’t come around here no more.”  

What incentive is there to catch criminals on the run anymore? New York City doesn’t even require bail anymore. Celebs bail out members of ANTIFA and BLM because they love the idea of terrorizing anyone who voted for Trump who dares to try eating Al Fresco in peace and quiet ever again. Imagine being harassed by ANTIFA protestors for wearing a white polo shirt the day after Labor Day while dining Al Fresco on the Upper East Side? The research analyst for Barclays Bank finally loses his temper and yells, “Fuck your charges of White Priveledge ANTIFA. You white motherfuckers in black hoodies don’t stay in jail for shit. I buy my polo shirts at the Salvation Army just like Vampire Weekend. I also work for an English bank, so I’m obviously down with open border takeovers mate.”

Cuomo blocks ICE from using the NYPD database to catch rapist criminals who don’t belong in our country in the 1st place. Because homeland security was so Weapons of Mass Destruction Years.  But turning our cities into safe space sanctuaries for thug lives matters most, will make our cities great again. Is it me or are sanctuary cities the equivalent of legalized lawlessness on crack? Fuck, today in your New York City you can be fined 25-grand for using hurtful language on Illegal Aliens such asm, “No speak English.” Whose translating these insults for Juan exactly? Now, all illegal immigrants in NY, regardless of getting testing for COVID or not, get a free Driver’s License to vote Democrat and a hate speech translator to bankrupt Apu at a Bodega in Flushing, holla, thank you very much.

Cops have lost all incentive to catch criminals on the run. Or they’ll be charged with being white supremacists for refusing to take a knee, even if their fat asses require taking a breather after packing on the COVID 50 for refusing to socially distance from more donuts and carbs for the past 15 months and counting.

So, unless a cop wants to be branded as a troublemaking Serpico in the making, they’re better off noshing on Jamaican beef patties and sticking to serving arrest warrants for Rabbis reopening Yeshiva schools in the name of sanity preservation science. At least, Orthodox woman are allowed to show their 20 kids TV, holed up in a 2 bedroom walkup with no AC.

But seriously, cops today are accountable for policing the way Lebron is held accountable for traveling with his head down into congested traffic during the NBA finals.

If cops don’t give a criminal in pursuit, a chance to get away by giving them a head start of least 80 million Mississippi, then you don’t care about affirmative action or evening the playing field for fatherless kids acting out against all forms of authority as a result at large.

Do undercover cops even exist anymore? Or has that unit of the NYPD been defunded all together? Mask mandates make everyone look incognito these days, so what difference does it make? Holla, thank you very much.

If an undercover cop takes a knee it means he’s still down with wearing Nike Sweatsuits no matter what.

Cops have so much free time on their hands these days, they’ve signed up for baking classes at the 92 Street Y. They’re making ravioli from scratch. At least Fireman still run into the line of fire, thank you very much.

Fireman shouldn’t get too attached to their hoses, especially if they’re being used to cool off ANTIFA when they try to burn down a marine recruitment office in Berkley whenever the big, bad, Ben Shapiro is planned to give another dronish speech on how to own Marxists masked as do good Democrats for hire.

Community policing, whatever that is, is where our country is heading, the more you see cops cruising in police cars with their masks still on. Keep the mask on cop. You don’t want the FBI raiding your home to haul your ass to jail for pirated cable just so you can watch more Newsmax retrospectives on fake news charges of widespread election fraud to commemorate Biden’s fist 100 days in office, since the day Democracy died.   King Kong ain’t got shit on ANTIFA and BLM Mahoney, More jokes GenX dads understand, holla, thank you very much,.

Michael Kornbluth

James Gandolfini Lives

Super rich Americans are most concerned with catching the made in Wuhan virus. Why else would a guy living in the pristine confines of upper Westchester County, 45 minutes north of Manhattan pump gas in his silver sleek Ferrari Testarossa in a rinky dink mask? If you live in New Jersey, I get the need to block out the smell alone. The only reason someone willingly decides to live in New Jersey is because you’re exempt from having to pump your own gas in the Garden State. I can’t picture Tony Soprano with a mask on as he fills up his Escalade while touring colleges with Meadow in Maine. Tony would rather choke one out to that runt cunt Adriana for Christ sake, holla, thank you very much.

Michael Kornbluth

Nazi Revenge Flicks Are Glorious

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Tulane Students Heckling Hunter

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Nazi Revenge Flicks Are Glorious

My wife’s maiden name is Duffy. Before we got married, a bartender takes a look at her card and says, “Duffy, that’s my last name.” I said, “You should open up a bar together and live happily ever after then”. Holla, thank you very much.

I still can’t forgive my in-laws for admitting they didn’t care for the movie Inglorious Bastards, especially knowing how they bolted to see Apocalypto opening weekend. After booking IMAX reserve seating on Fandango, 6 million months in advance.

One year for Thanksgiving, I’m going to give grace in front of them in Hebrew and say, “God please forgive my in-laws for not caring for the movie Inglorious Bastards. Personally, I don’t know what ending they’d prefer. At same time, they insist on sucking off the alleged goodness of Obama Be Good till their last dying breath. And Obama is the one who loves Hitler. Obama wishes he was that organized. For Obama, exterminating all those beady eyed, plague carrying, horn concealing, endlessly nasal Jews in the media who questioned his nuke gifting parting gift to Iran, who refuses Israel’s right to exist, would be gas. Inglorious Bastards got a 11 minute standing ovation at Cannes, for Christ sake. And it wasn’t because Donny Donowitz bashed the Nazi’s head in with a Matzah ball soup ladle instead. Explain to me Lord, if my in-laws are so smitten with your chosen people, then how could they ever feel remotely offended from the movie Inglorious Bastards? The film was marketed as a Nazi revenge film. Were my in-laws hoping a German submarine, cruise ship transformer would whisk Hitler and his SS generals away on gestapo grade Crystal meth to Argentina to live happily ever after, under the FBI’s new witness protection program reserved only for the master race mafia? Only for the Fuhrer to spend his golden years working on his tan in Argentina, sucking down Malbec on more Gestapo grade crystal meth, responsible for getting those sick, Nazi bastards high enough to think they could conquer all of Europe on it. Were my in-laws rooting for Hitler to escape the burning French film house, only to die at the ripe age of 95 under a peach tree in Argentina, as he penned more hate mail to Madonna for embracing Kabbalah instead of making music videos with more burning crosses in them instead. It’s too bad Tarantino didn’t rewrite the ending to Inglorious Bastards to showcase an aging Hitler die under a peach tree, picking at his old herpes sores under his stash, inflaming his desire to exterminate any reminder of that Jew bitch prostitute who gave him herpes because he was dumb enough to go down on a prosttiute to put his mother mouth on Crystal Meth to work, as Hitler youth whiz around the foothills of the Andes mountains, carving out adorable little Swatsikas onto any non marked up Pine trees remaining, dreaming of asking George Soros to hook them up with more signed copies of Hitler’s Mein Kampf for Christmas, because they blame the Jewish descendants of Don Rickles for heckling the Romans into crucifying, the original super Jew, Jesus Christ to death. Did my in-laws think the Marshall Plan, and Nuremberg trials was enough punishment for the Nazi Bastards already? Was Schindler’s List’s running time of 3 hours and 15 minutes a tad overkill for their taste to?”

Michael Kornbluth

The Genderfluid Godfather

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