Guardians of Bullshit  

Calling the media guardians of Democracy is like calling the Clinton Foundation a charity for others.

How does Trump empower the KKK? By passing prison reform, hugging it out with Kayne, taking Dennis Rodman’s calls, making Dennis the unofficial bad boy ambassador of North Korea?

I just read about an all Muslim girl prom in Detroit. So, the prom was like mine, pork free. I also cried under my sheets from dusk till dawn after Rose Lee refused to hook up with me for what it’s worth.

How do you hate the movie Rudy? That’s like hating Mel Brooks for trying to humanize the Elephant Man. He was the producer of the film.

Imagine a topless Mike Myers playing the Elephant Man.

I’m not George The Animal Steele, I’m a man baby.


Explaining Internet Porn To My Kids Eventually

Remember when you guys asked me what I do after I put you to sleep? I’m doing more than just squeezing out more one liner’s on Twitter.


This is me instructing my son on how to avoid any anti-Semitic triggered aftermath for Hanukkah this year.

So, Arthur when you bring your Gimel Robot Dreidel to Kindergarten for show and tell. Make sure, when your non-Jewish classmates ask what Gimel means. You don’t say. “Give me all your money, because we control the Federal Reserve and all the banks in the North Pole to.”


Trump has ties to Russia. Duh, most mail order bride owners do.

Most Democrats think Obama was a better President than George Washington. But George Washington wouldn’t have given Iran 150 billion for overseas manufacturing jobs for Build A Bear, to make their economy less reliant on hair removal products for the Kardashians.

Can we all agree, Hillary would’ve been a worse president than George Washington? Americans wanted to make George Washington king for life, but he walked away from power at the height of his popularity. Since Hillary lost the election, she keeps slipping, falling and can’t shut up.

It was Russian ads on Face Book who got Trump elected like, “Fuck That Disbarred Bitch.”


Then, under subpoena for her using her private server at home to house classified, top secret info about our spies in China, Hillary Hammer Time Cankles, orders her goons to smash all of her electronic devices and bleach bit her 30,000 emails. Calling them mostly yoga related is a stretch. That’s right, the other emails detailed funeral arrangements. In the woods, in case Chelsea’s fiance before their wedding, decided to increase his asking price at the last sec.


The FBI uses the pee dossier to justify their spying of Trump in Trump Tower. What’s the pee dossier? A Eurotrash golden shower pulp fiction tale, involving, Trump pissing on Russian prostitutes, Chelsea’s Handler’s book of the month selection for Reese Witherspoon’s book club year after year. Asshole related observation, on her Reese Witherspoon’s lifestyle cook-book, Whiskey In a Teacup, she covers her chin with a Teacup for a reason. Plus, her non-actress friends in the book don’t look nearly as fetching in polka dot dresses either.


Trump’s kids have gotten enriched by him becoming President. Ivanka works for free and sold her business. Don Junior got divorced, which isn’t cheap. Eric Trump does non-profit cancer fundraising for Saint Jude. And they get spit on in public because they’re guilty of sharing the same DNA of a President who exposed the media, Hillary, Obama and  all our so called intelligence agencies for being the real corrupt, democracy perverting, treacherous, seditious subhuman scum that they are. Sounds like a fair deal for the Trump kids, don’t you think?


Trump’s a threat to our democracy. Resister Twitter twat Democrats act like Trump wants to overturn mandatory, E-Verify, voting laws against racially profiled Illegal Aliens.


Why did Greta Thunburg win Time’s Person of the Year? All she did was make fake news eco-anxiety go viral. Her parents support ANTIFA, so I’m sure her heart is in the right place. Although I’m sure upper east side parents spending a quarter million a year on their twins’ elementary school education, appreciate being scolded by a 16-year-old on not doing enough to fight climate change.  Dad comes home at 9. Kids are still up, popping Melatonin gummies like nerds because they’re consumed with eco-anxiety because their door man on 87th and Madison can’t keep a typhoon out of their penthouse apartment, overlooking Central Park East.  Dad mouths off. “Why are the kids still up, freaking out again? Let me guess, fucking Greta Thunburg again. Sorry, if I took an Uber over a fucking Citi Bike to my 5-course client dinner at Madison Park, you snotty, bug eyed bitch. Lose sleep over how your Swiss banker grandparents kept my grandfather’s gold teeth in safety fucking deposit boxes for real life Aryans, trying to take over all of Europe, cranked up on Crystal Meth babe.

Trump’s a threat to our Democracy? How, by calling out the media for being the lying, manipulative, corrupt pieces of satanic shit they are? They’re worse than Hillary.


Did you know Michelle Obama had 22 personal servants in the White House? But none of them could be bothered to fix her hair when Trump got inaugurated because her husband let ISIS run wild and ushered in an anemic, 2.7 GDP. Oh yeah, and 63 million voters who voted for Obama, became born again white supremacists out of the blue.

Also, for all this talk of white nationalist hate, engulfing America.  Where was this menace to society when Obama was President? In bed under their Klan sheets depressed, I guess.


Trump assaults the freedom of the press. By fighting back the narrative of being a Russian agent of Putin, knowing he gave arms money to the Ukraine so Putin would cut it out. Also, if you were a Presidential candidate who was spied on in your place of business, because the FBI confused Melania for a Russian hooker with piss on her cheetah print stiletto’s, you’d call out the witch hunt to remove you from office before the treacherous, deceitful scum in the media, congress, and deep state get the punishment they deserve.


Memo to Gary Clark Junior:
How is Trump trying to take your land? Stick to guitar playing in retro Jimi Hendrix hats. I loved your last album dude. But let’s not pretend you’re a super deep thinker, linguistic genius like Kayne either.


How do you name a female Jedi Knight, Rey?

Rey is a speed freak trucker addicted to black beauties named Michael.

Joan lives.


Me summarizing the Declaration of Independence for my kids.

It was America’s more stately way of telling Mother England to choke on a scone.

Moving forward, America would only pledge their loyalties to Greek fraternities on US college campuses for easier access to high grade American Pie.


Michelle Obama is doing films for Netflix now. What’s her 1st project, a Tina Turner film remake about herself retitled, What’s Talent Got To Do With It?


Michael Kornbluth



The Never Ending Hug

Dada, I never want this hug to end. No offense to mama, but your wedding anniversary celebrates the birth of our family together to. Sure, I was still in mama’s super snug womb at the time. And mama was barely showing at the wedding. And I wasn’t born for another six months but still.

I never want this hug to end. I can’t imagine such a snuggly, fun filled life without you in it Dada. I know we don’t have a normal family with you being an unemployed stay at home comedian and host of the Do It All Dad Year Podcast. And I know I give you grief about having a sharing banked account with mommy because you don’t make money anymore. But I wouldn’t have it any other way. I know your comedy train is bound for Benjamin producing glory Dada.  Especially, if you start having me do more on your Do It All Dad Year Podcast than just intros for it. Can I get a hallah for some Challah? Funnier dad, happier, babies. I’m living proof of it.

I never want this hug to end Dada. Don’t mind mama. She’s got baby Samuel, Instagram and Arthur to entertain her. Plus, I know she’s not complaining about that super spicy Zin you got for your eight year wedding anniversary. I can’t wait to try a sip. Old Vine Zins are only made in America like Canadian comic millionaires like Rick Moranis, right Dada?

I never want this hug to end Dada. I know your new friend resolution is to find an editor to become the best friend you never had besides me of course. So he can become your most vocal backer, reign in your super intense, outrageous personality and make sure your humor book about modern fatherhood as an Unemployed Comedian/Father of 3 becomes a best seller Dada. If it sells, it’s art. I remember Dada. Can I sell our family drawings at your books signings at the Barnes and Noble in Union Square? I’ll use plenty of magenta and purple haze in honor of Jimi to make sure our family pic really pop like the left handed genius at Monterey.

I never want this hug to end Dada. You already call me eight foot 2. Insisting  I put on undies the sec I get out of the tub. So the Chinese Underworld has less to see. You say I’m going to outgrow wanting to hang out with you every sec before I know it. And no longer give you unexpected pecs on your cheek in your writing office, my future room next year by the way in case you forgot already. A deal is a deal Dada.

So keep on banging out chapters and more jokes for The Stay At Home Comedian, Dada. I know you’re going to make it a comedic masterpiece.  I hear your train coming daddy. And pretty soon you’re going to buy this town. And you’re going to buy this town. And you’ll put it all in your funny man clown shoes. That’s what you’re going to do. That’s what’s you’re going do. Happy 8th Wedding Anniversary Dada. But make sure mama doesn’t polish off the Zin so fast and hook up your better half already.

The End


Michael Kornbluth