Blog

Moving Beyond Carnitas Tacos

Salmon Trout doesn’t belong in tacos. It belongs on a buffet station at your hotel in Norway, next to a bowl of capers, pickled herring and 1000 types of room temperature regulated Brie.

Salmon tastes better rolled up in rice or sandwiched between bagel bread and New York made cream cheese because we’re more demanding bitches to please.

White Corn Tortillas are alright. But the sugary white part tones down the corny earthiness. It’s like Kelly Ripa writing jokes for Jeff Foxworthy.

White Corn Tortillas are like George Lopez.
You know George Lopez wants to be loved by white America but not enough to refrain from injecting toppings of Spanish for realer earthiness Holmes.

Sauteed Black Bean tacos in butter, farm fresh plucked orange green peppers, red onion, with bulbs of whole garlic, swirled in it, with homemade chunky red tomato salsa on top is veggie supreme bliss Mang.

Fried Cod used in fish tacos, draped in a Chipotle or Avocado Crema and crunchy, purple slaw eaten at Padres games with Padre is the best. Salmon Trout used in fish tacos with pineapple salsa isn’t.

If you’re going to make Pineapple Salsa, at least be man enough to cut a Pineapple yourself. Because using the pre-cut kind means you’re being a half-ass homo about going all the way with it.

If you make your kids tacos at home. Your kids can’t be accused of Xenophobia at school because they learn fear of making Mexican accented cuisine at home.

Making 2 different types of salsa means you’ve got 2 much free time on your hands between mommy coming back from leading her new mommy meet up group already.

If you suck at rolling joints, chances are your Taco rolling skills won’t be so tight. Come to think of it, a filter to block the salsa from falling out would be handy though.

Michael Kornbluth

Talent Is Never Ambiguous

I was blown away by my 5 year old’s sons Pre-K art show display. His drawings were so exacting. I never felt like such an all over the place Jew.

Dads make better cheerleaders than moms.

At my son’s art show, random dads I never met, emoted about my son’s art work over their own kids creations.

“Arthur’s got talent. And I think Monet’s overuse of pastels is overrated.”

Real art woos.

It compels random, blue collar dads, in my son’s pre-K to jerk off my son’s Monet recreations out of the blue.

“Arthur’s got talent.”

I reply.

“Thank you. My Jim Morrison black light poster in my freshman dorm room never felt more out of fashion.”

Talent is never ambiguous.

It’s clear as forced applause breaks on Late Night with Seth Meyers.

If I’m not scared of Trump.

I’m not into pleasing my mother like Seth Meyers.

His show is a participation trophy from SNL.

On the phone with mom.

I can’t wait to discuss Arthur’s favorite art show creations.

Too bad you couldn’t ask him in person in real time.

But you spoke to the owner of Kid’s Cottage about his speech issues.

But his talent isn’t ambiguous.

You had to mention his speech problems over the phone now mom.

Your timing is 1st year open mike bad.

Who cares if you’re a misunderstood artist off the canvas in person at 5 years old? Also, ever consider Speech Pathologist, you can’t keep up with my son’s motor mouth mind? A real artist like Dennis Hopper understands, man.

Nothing breaks my heart more than learning my son had nobody to play with during recess. Because nobody wanted to play Ninja with him. If his buds were only exposed to Storm Shadow from GI Joe instead of the
sychronized Power Ranger dancers.

INT. PRE-K ART SHOW
Stay At Home Comedian
Your apple is too pretty to eat.
Daughter
But daddy, you don’t even like apples.
Stay At Home Comedian
In other words, feeling less talented than your baby brother bites?

It’s hard to feel like a bust as a dad. When your 5 year old boy beams with pride at his 1st art show exhibit. Knowing, he’s made his big sister crazy with jealousy yet she does her best not to show it. Welcome to the art club, my perfect boy. You were born to shine.

Calling my parents Arizona Estate home.

Dad picks up, groggy.

What?

Was calling to emote about Arthur’s art show.

Let me guess. It’s too early to be hailing him as a creative genius just yet.

INT. HOME
Stay At Home Comedian
I got these Ninja figures at the book shop.
Now, you’ll always have somebody to play ninjas with.
Son
I meant the hide and go seek game.
Stay At Home Comedian
Artists do symbolism dude.

The End

By

Michael Kornbluth

Get Out Of My Life

5 Year Old Son
Where’s mama?
It’s taking 1 million decades.
Do you want daddy to read you a story?
Get out of my life already.
Mama’s dead.

2 Year Old Son walks down the street in his fleece with 2 hands in his pockets, chiller than Matt Damon in the Outsiders with his shirt on.

Stay at Home Dads are welfare mothers in hoodies. I wear a polo one. According to CNN, I’m an elitist White Supremacist. I only listen to Kayne West duets with Paul McCartney.

Crazy, Good, Dada
Pilot
(V.0)
Picture a family cooking show for dads if Jim Gaffigan was Jewish and only had 3 kids. We’re The Pescatarain Comedians.

Crazy, Good, Dada

Pilot

Do It All Dad
(V.O)
I want to get paid to hang out with my 3 kids.
Is this love or co-dependence times 3?
Time to find out World Wide Web. Give it up for my prop comedian family, The Pescatarian Comedians. Food history served bit by bit.

 

The Pescatarian Comedians Pilot Younger Brother The world doesn’t revolve around your kids. Stay At Home Comedian Our Bad Boy Soy Boy sketch got 2 million views last week alone. According to Youtube it does.

 

INT. DELI Old School Italian

I tried to invent an apple sauce dispenser so I could get paid to hang out more with my kids .

Stay At Home Comedian

Our kids are superior company than most, especially when mommy keeps busy.
INT. DELI Old School Italian I tried to invent an apple sauce dispenser so I could get paid to hang out with my children more.

Stay At Home Comedian

I bet your shoulders don’t collapse when your son hugs you on his birthday.

INT. HOME

Wife

A Kiss shirt? You’re not in High School anymore.

Stay At Home comedian

Don’t act like you’re so tight fitting anymore.

 

INT. HOME
Daughter
Why does Shannon call the MAGA hat racist?
Stay At Home Comedian
Because her mom only gets her news from Telemundo.

INT. KIDS U
Playing with my kid. Another kid by himself, tags along.
Do It All Dad
I got 3 kids little man.
I’ve only got some much new kid love allocation to spare.
Here’s a card. Tell your dad to review my podcast on Itunes & will talk.

MAGA Hats have become a symbol of White Nationalism? Then, why does Kayne West rock it? Do White Nationalists even fancy, high end, porcupine Persian puss? Also, name another white nationalist invited to Kayne’s sermons on God in Calabasas? I’m still waiting.

The MAGA hat is a symbol of white nationalists. I thought it was for time for real life profitable change. MAGA hat is a symbol of white nationalists. That’s what CNN hopes to shame 64 million branded racists who voted for Trump into thinking. Jussie Smollett claiming complete innocence or not.

Candace Owens unedited.
No offense Mr. Leiu but Obama is the one who loves Hitler. Obama wishes he was that organized. Mass extermination of his Zionist critics would be a gas, whether it’s through slipping them Fentanyl into their soup or not.

INT. OFFICE
HR
How will you handle commuting to the city after 3 years?
Stay At Home Comedian
After looking after 3 kids 2 summers in a row with no AC, the commute on MetroNorth will feel like a 5 week rave in Germany, actually.

Memo to Craig Carton:
Doing time as a stay at home comedian with limited congenial visits since our 3rd kid has turned our bed into an after hours open milk bar has made me a better on air personality host also. I’ll bet you on it, double or nothing.

 

Awkward Classic Rock DJ Moment
That was Love Hurts. Ah, Kleinfeld only got to 1st base with a buck toothed 6 by Texas hottie standards in Dazed and Confused. I’m still Large Larry for a reason. That hurts.

The End

By,

Michael Kornbluth

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Pescatarian Comedians

My daughter upstaging me as usual, addressing her younger brother.
“You’ll never know anything I don’t know because I’m older than you.”

My daughter not dealing well with hard genetic science.
Daddy, what if I’m 1 percent black? You’d sing with improved soul and attack the rim with higher hopper authority. Daughter replies. Kill yourself, daddy, kill yourself.

Michael Jackson’s less harmful legacy.
Ruining Weird Al children books with my kids.
Daddy, can we watch the Fat video again?
The animated feeling has lost it’s loving feeling, sorry kids.
I’m sick to my stomach, you know it.

Int. Car
Stay At Home Comedian
Did you just call Jane or did she call you?
Younger Brother
I called her. She’s my fiance.
Stay At Home Comedian
2nd in 2 years. Still, feels excessive.
But fine, her presence is impossible to live without.

Int. Sushi Restaurant
Younger Brother
What about Charlottesville?
Stay At Home Comedian
Will have zero impact on Ivanka becoming the 1st Jewish, woman US president in 2024. I agree. Let’s see what a proud converter Jew feminist mom is then.

Int. Sushi Restaurant
Younger Brother
What about Charlottesville?
Stay At Home Comedian
There were peaceful protesters present along with ANTIFA & the bussed in screenshot of KKK extras from central castings in polo shirts and tiki torches.

Obama’s former aide contacted Chicago PD about having his FBI loyalists take over the Jussie Smollet case. How beloved is Obama in his sweet home Chicago? When he get’s a royal f you from the Chicago PD instead. John Hughes beloved, he’s not.

Every Trump fight instigated by the resistors resistance to factual based reality ends with, I can refute 5 of your facts with 10 more. At this point, just save your breath and utter Ivanka 2024, 1st Jewish, woman US president. You’re welcome.

 

Int. Sushi Restaurant
Younger Brother
What about Charlottesville?
Stay At Home Comedian
It wasn’t only a white supremacist rally.
It was also a monument to fake news appeasing ANTIFA led violence against Trump supporters and MAGA hats moron.

Brother
What about Charlottesville?
Stay At Home Comedian
Robert E. Lee called slavery a moral political evil. And Trump electrician supporters aren’t dismantling Airport TV’s paid to play CNN’s staged hate crimes to trigger a new civil war.

Arizona Police Feds seized 45,000 Fentanyl pills in 2 operations.
It wasn’t the spring cleaning Obama was hoping for.

Omar’s an easy target because she’s a black Muslim. I thought it was because she converted to Judaism like Ivanka being such a moderate, progressive minded voice of Islam in the House of Representatives, my bad.

Int. Sushi Restaurant
Younger Brother
What about Charlottesville?
Stay At Home Comedian
The monument being taken down wasn’t of Al Sharpton. And he forced a black girl to lie about being raped by a NYPD officer. But now you’re a Spike Lee fan?

Baby Face Omar is an easy target because she’s a black Muslim. But Obama avoided any hard questions about his faith and he’s way prettier. His Farsi dialect doesn’t sound blood thirsty gruff either. You want to talk one of the prettiest sounds on earth.

Border Wall supporters follow the white supremacy agenda? But the Klan would attempt to chase down Jesse Owens, not Speedy Gonzalez. Also, the Klan never feared their woman speeding into Speedy’s arms if given the chance, just saying.

Memo to Stephen Colbert:
What Trump is doing to the nation is horrible? What you’ve done to the state of American comedy is the real travesty dude. But taking pictures with John Podesta is a great look twerp. Sure you got nothing to hide but being funny anymore.

Trump emboldens white Nationalists Tim Kaine? How would you know? Does your son’s Crystal Meth dealer follow POTUS on Twitter? And since when are white nationalists cool with Jewish grandchildren populating the White House, on Bank Holidays? Just curious Tiny Tim.

What the left has become blows. I hate JK Rowling but who cares if she outed any fictional freak figures of her creation. Stop being so you know what about it.

I retrieve a nifty Nerf football down a high mountain with my 2 kids. Wife looks down on me holding baby with disgust.

Do It All Dad
What, I’m teaching my kids the importance of not throwing away money?
Wife
Then, why don’t you have life insurance yet?

Ext. Mountain Hike-NY
Daughter
Mimi acts like us moving to Arizona is convenient for us but it’s really just more convenient for them. Plus, they hate you Dada for supporting Trump. So you shouldn’t give them the satisfaction.

When it rains in Scottsdale, Arizona it looks like a wet pile of rocks.

Brother
The world doesn’t revolve around you kids.
Stay At Home Comedian
Mine does, so they don’t end up like you.
But playing the victim of addiction for 2 decades. Who can’t stop being a lying, scumbag has done wonders for your imagination so far.

 

INT. Sushi Restaurant
Younger Brother
ANTIFA aren’t domestic terrorists.
I watch Vice and Bill Maher.
Stay At Home Comedian
They fire bomb buildings in Berkeley because big bad, Ben Shapiro came to town for a speech on 2nd amendment rights.

Int. Car
Younger Brother
My coke dealer who only sells me adderall
now wants to meet you.
Stay At Home Comedian
Does he check in with you more than I do?
Also, am I supposed to be excited about coming face to face with your white angel of death?

Anyone who says I’m friends with Trump lovers means they don’t love you if you love Trump to. You have boys who love Trump dude? And you’re cool with it. Despite turning Albino white when I called ANTIFA domestic terrorists, you mush brained mook.

Int. Car

Brother
The world doesn’t revolve around you kids.
Mom and dad had 2 kids and both worked.
Stay At Home Comedian
I played alone with GI Joe figures till age 16.
And you were shipped off to boarding school at 15. Mr. Rogers, watch out.

 

I love it when younger, dressed up girls do selfies across the train from me on their way to White Plains, NY for St. Patricks Day . It means my ring is making them green with envy. And I no longer feel so excessively Jewish around House of Pain.

 

Int. Home
Wife
Don’t expect me to do cartwheels over your latest and greatest genius idea.
Any money for you to produce now would be nice.
Stay At Home Comedian
I can’t wait to see how excited you’re for me when I start booking gigs at Country Clubs in Connecticut.

Judge Jeanine’s gone hard at the vermin for trying to derail the Trump Train bound for glory from the start. But she can’t say Sharia Law on TV? What’s upheld in Europe right now? Besides no go zones being safe spaces for Palestinian freedom fighters.

 

Ext. Mobil
Younger Brother
You need weed to hang out with me?
Stay At Home Comedian
I’m not here to jerk off your Facebook posts about banning all guns or show interest in how you listen to Crosby Stills to minimize hate in your life now.

 

Brother
What about Charlottesville?
Stay At Home Comedian
They were good, God loving peaceful white protesters in attendance, protesting the taking down of the Robert E. Lee statue. He called slavery a moral evil like the UN, Rape Wood, John Podesta’s email chains, etc.

I cried at least twice when I saw the footage of President Trump sign his veto for his national declaration act. The Angel moms are so strong. The love and respect in the oval office at this moment was so palpable. Finally, felt a change is going come Mr. Sam Cooke.

INT. CAR-MOBIL GAS STATION
Younger Brother
You need weed to hang out with me?
Stay At Home Comedian
I just bought you a piece and about to score you a huge bag for not much, so you can feel like a big shot again. Mom reminds me how important this for you.

Brother
You never check in on me. I lost my job. Why try anymore?
The world doesn’t revolve around your kids.
Stay At Home Comedian
Your shitty Pete Davidson impersonation isn’t moving me one 1 bit. Is the 2 Instagram followers worth it?

Int. Home
Stay At Home Comedian
Doesn’t your maternal instinct always want to hear, mama, mama? Because this way you’re always able to feel appreciated and needed? Granted, they could be crying mama because you don’t love them as well as I do.

Int. Home
Wife
Don’t expect me to cartwheels over your genius idea.
Stay At Home Comedian
Thanks for the final nudge to write my pilot for Crazy, Good, Dada about our family friendly, food sketch comedy show, The Pescatarian Comedians.

The End

By,

Michael Kornbluth

 

 

BE FUNNIER THAN WEIRD AL BY CHRISTMAS

Daddy, what’s confidence? Telling doubt, see ya, wouldn’t want to be yah. Or as Axl Rose sings in Mr. Brownstone, Worryin’s a waste of my time. And I’m not Heavy Metal’s answer to Richard Lewis.

Nationalist is a loaded word. The N bomb is a load word. ANTFA lives matter is an oxymoron.
Starting shit with my mother in law part 1
Enough with grace in our home Rosa.
None of my children including myself believe Jesus was the real Messiah. If so God would’ve started a Kickstarter campaign to pay for our moving costs to Israel already.

Starting shit with my mother in law part 2
Don’t force my kids to say Grace unless black Jesus Haile Selassie is included. He’s God incarnate, direct descent of David. His body disappeared to, just saying. You better recognize.

Starting shit with my mother in law part 3
Don’t force my kids to say Grace.
I love me some Jesus but don’t believe he’s the Messiah. Fake news Nazi smears, ANTIFA & CNN suing the White House doesn’t feel like the age of messianic peace within me.

Motley Crue ranks as the best brawling band ever because of the long reach of Tommy Lee and Nikki Sixx alone. The Allman Brothers had black bassist Berry Oakley but Dwayne Allman is getting his ass whipped easy and looked like he was dying to begin with.

Yelling at my daughter is like yelling at the Grateful Dead for opening up with St. Stephen because Jon Mayer looks prettier than Trey playing it obviously.

How do you hate the movie Rudy? Dare I quote Ike on Veterans Day? “It’s not size of the dog in the fight, it’s the size of the fight in the dog.” F the underdog Rudy. Spoken like the last Jeb Bush fan on earth.

But really how do you hate the movie Rudy? That’s like hating Eric Stoltz for hooking up with Laura Dern in Mask or hating Lupus for snagging a grab in Bad News Bears.
Or hating Daniel Day’s Lewis’ club left foot.

Louie CK is right. Most kids can be annoying assholes. Mine are fuss free. But hipster husband talk of white nationalists turning America into an Aryan nation despite no Edward Norton, American History X knockoffs gracing the Oval Office is so tolerable.

Met Stan Lee in Beverly Hills. Told him, I loved him in Mallrats. Jagger and me, we had a running contest, last time I looked I was way ahead. What an inspired writer life he lived. Goodbye sweet prince of boyhood wonder and creatively jacked good guy delight.

Int. Home
Wife
You went to the new Stop & Shop in Mahopac?
Stay At Home Comedian Dad
I’ve seen more sure footed tourists in Times Square.
I hear. Can you direct me to the canned goods and frozen food sections please? Yikes!

Racist Case Against Trump
He called the White Nationalist Protesters in Charlottesville, nice people. Did Trump name names & give shouts out to Schillinger from OZ and his kids Screaming Nazi and Hail Jager Goldschlager?

#FacebookDown was down on Monday but Farrakhan’s page was still up. Zit Face Zuck must label his anti-Jew tirades as fake news hate speech or inspired filler for Spike Lee’s new joint.

Michelle Obama says Melania never reached out to ask her advice on being 1st lady. Like Melania planned on rocking the Kwanza themed decorations for Christmas. Or had to rely on Michelle for Fashion tips once Fashion Police got terminated.

Michelle Obama says Melania never reached out to ask her advice on being 1st lady. I’m sure her perpetual, bitchy scowl during Trump’s inauguration had nothing to do with it. Or how Michelle didn’t bother doing her hair according to my barber.

Michelle Obama says Melania never reached out to ask her advice on being 1st lady. Or inquire about Beyonce’s secret Lemonade recipe. Produce a documentary on yourself for Netflix already called “Ungracious 1st Lady.”

Michelle Obama says Melania never reached out to ask her advice on being 1st lady. Last time I checked, Barron isn’t the one passing out at Lollapalooza on more than just Fun Dip. Nor is he interning for Miramax either.

Michelle Obama says Melania never reached out to ask her advice on being 1st lady. On what, how to strip the Oval Office of all high class prestige but letting it all hang out on Ellen? In white slacks after Labor Day to top it off.

Bud
How about Melo?
Stay At Home Comedian Dad
Contrary to popular belief, I think he’s a poor excuse for a leader.
Who failed to live up to hype like Obama on Cheeseburgers.

Long Island City is so hot now because Amazon’s coming to town. No, it’s not. It’s still Queens. Compared to Manhattan and Brooklyn, Queens is still the sloppy 3rd Kardashian sister. Whose easy to pound at 3 in the morning like a lamb gyro in Astoria.

With Amazon moving to town, the 7 line will be tighter than Nas Ilmatic, represent, represent, represent.

INT. Car
Son
Be funnier than Weird AL by Christmas Dada. Or I’m killing you with our sharpest knife for real.
Stay At Home Dad
I better get sharper by writing funnier jokes then.

INT. Car
Son
Be funnier than Weird AL by Christmas Dada. Or I’m killing you with our sharpest knife for real.
Stay At Home Dad
How did you get so tough?
Son
My daddy’s a killer comedian.

INT. Car
Son
Be funnier than Weird AL by Christmas Dada. Or I’m killing you with our sharpest knife for real.
Stay At Home Dad
I’ll go for the jugular kid.
Forward force all the way.

INT. Car
Son
Be funnier than Weird AL by Christmas Dada. Or I’m killing you with our sharpest knife for real.
Daughter
Kill or be killed by political correctness Dada.
Don’t make Obama’s legacy the death of comedy to.

THE END

By,

Michael Kornbluth

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Billion Dollar Brain

EXT. Home

Daughter

The worst thing about Wasps is they don’t die after they sting you.

Do It All Dad

Mama thinks I might be allergic to Wasps but I don’t break out in hives during Easter egg hunts in Delaware.

I hate alumni from Ithaca College because they always tense when I start a chat. I graduated Ithaca in 99. You know Cornell’s retarded next door neighbor. Ithaca alum responds, “I don’t have any Ivy League Illuminati connections on LinkedIn. So fuck off already.”

My wife sucking at parenting. Amber alert blares from my wife’s phone. She explains to our 8 year old daughter. It’s the child abduction alert dear. I say. But dissapproving of Sanctuary Cities that prevent ICE from deporting thèse animals is racist.

Toronto Star claims Trudeau black’s face is as Canadian as hockey. Too bad, nobody is ever confusing for him for the great one. At least Obama, is feeling better about himself today. Hey Michelle, the fruity Canuck makes me look like Richard Pryor.

Amber alert blares from my wife’s phone. She explains to our daughter. It’s the child abduction alert dear. Daughter freaks. I put my Second City Improv training to work. Yes but thèse alerts are caused by Hélicoptèr Moms with nothing better to do.

When I ask Alexa to play Hair Metal power ballads, she fucks with my fading sense of maturity by playing Hair Metal ballads gone lullaby. So I never outgrew my age of innocence. At least I don’t try to act young by sending dic pics to torn up muff Jeff.

When I ask Alexa to play Hair Metal power ballads, she fucks with my fading sense of maturity by playing Hair Metal ballads gone lullaby. So I never outgrew my age of innocence. At least I don’t send dic pics to torn up muff, éligible for Medicare Bezos.

When I ask Alexa to play Hair Metal power ballads, she fucks with me and plays Hair Metal ballads gone lullaby. So I never outgrew my childhood. At least I don’t send dic pics to stay current Bezos. She’s only old enough to play Selena Gomez’s grandmother.

INT. MORNING-AM

Do It All Dad

What do you think of Nat King Cole?

Daughter

Wimpy.

Do It All Dad

Come to think of it. Nat King Cole is guilty of appropriating Jewish produced, schmaltzy Broadway bound ballads for a living.

INT. HOME

Do It All Dad

Enchiladas are rolled up corn tortillas in a red or green sauce with melted cheese on top.

Daughter

No, Enchilada is my vagina.

Do It All Dad

No, that’s my code word for your private part to put some undies on after the bubble.

My wife sucking at parenting. Amber alert blares from my wife’s phone. She explains to our 8 year old daughter. It’s the child abduction alert dear. Daughter begins to freak. I say. Mama ruined your innocence more than Family Guy with Dada did.

Saw Paper Tiger. Spoiler alert, Burr holding his daughter on an empty stage in Royal Albert Hall was an amazing payoff. It’s a very powerful, beautiful image. Burr really loves being a family man. Got to love him for it. Still, I laughed zéro times throughout.

Russell Brand Rebirth starts off real strong. He’s more poetic sounding than Hicks and doesn’t come off as a pontificating sour puss who never got laid after shows in the midwest. Brand’s act outs to make his comédic points with solid, funny punchlines are great. Last, he’s an ultra colorful expressionst and never droll dumpy like Ricky Gervais mate.

DeBlasio ended his campaign for President of the United States. What happened? Think Tanks in DC decided his wife wasn’t 1st lady material. The report stating, she makes Michelle Obama come off a gracious, classy, non disbarred altruist in XL shoulder pads.

What’s your favorite Climate Strike protest sign?

China Isn’t Helping

Cannibalism Reduces Your Carbon Footprint

September Should be More Temperate

CNN Is Boiling Hot Over It’s Rating

Jimmy Carter Is Pro Nuclear Power In the Hands of The Shah.

So it’s treason when Trump speaks with a foreign leader. But when Obama authorizes the shipment of 175 billion to Iran without congressional approval, he’s known as just another Jihadist downplaying, Holocaust denier Farrakhan clone with better complexion.

The rise in white supremacist violence is a top threat. Sure, if Sanctuary Cities order cops to stay still as the activist media encourages ANTIFA’s ironic use of violence to pummel gay Vietnamese journalists who have a byline in the National Review.

White House chat between Trump and Mark Zuckerberg.

You’re banning plastic water bottles at Facebook Mark? I didn’t know Fuji water encouraged hate speech against fake news Hawaiians like Obama. If Obama was scandal free, I’m allergic to high end trim.

INT. HOME-9PM

Tired daughter whimpers.

Daughter I feel like you don’t love me anymore.

Do It All Dad

But according to mama I’m a narcissist and you’re my funnier, sweeter twin, so that’s literally impossible Billion Dollar Brain.

Michael Kornbluth

Cooler Talk At Facebook

Cooler talk at Facebook today. Why didn’t we ban plastic water bottles at work ten years ago? Because the climate alarmist girl from Sweden is a superior do gooder than our Chinese sell out out boss, Good Will Hoodie.

INT. HOME

Do It All Dad

You want to fight climate change? Potty train your baby brother when you play teacher. Trump never changed his kids diaper. I wish I could make that claim. It would mean I had my shit together for a change.

Netflix canceled Chelsea Handler’s doc on White Privilege. Surveys show the world doesn’t care about Chelsea’s attempt to distract the world from her tits sagging popularity.

The Pope says he likes it when Americans attack him. Between signing off on parish transfer forms and ripping out No-Go Zone makeover tips in German Vogue found in his office waiting room before his interview with Rolling Stone.

Mercedes-Benz is in the electric scooter business now. In Germany, the scooter can hit getaway rape speed if Waze takes you through a no go zone neighborhood before rush hour.

INT. Local Farm

Older Chinese woman speak in Chinese, I think.

Do It All Dad

My daughter is 8. Now when she get’s out of the bubble, I tense, yelling, “Put a towel on, so the Chinese Underworld can’t look, for future places to store shipments of Fentanyl.”

INT. Local Farm

Older Chinese woman speak in Chinese, I think.

Do It All Dad

If I go broke trying to become a self-published comedian. I can always sell lockets of son’s golden curls for 5 grand a pop on Chinese Ebay. Don’t you think?

INT. Local Farm

Older Chinese woman speak in Chinese, I think.

Do It All Dad

Why did the Chinese supermarket in White Plains close down? Did ICE raid the place for smuggling in peanut oil flavored e cigarettes to push on the me so white market?

INT. Bookstore

A book titled When I Was White is on display.

Do It All Dad

When I was white? Sounds like a Justin Trudeau op ed for Salon, before beating Obama in game of one on one, despite never lacing up high tops before.

INT. Bookstore

A book titled When I Was White is on display.

Do It All Dad

When I was white? If this book is about Steven Tyler coming out out as the Little Richard of hard rock, I’m not interested.

INT. TOY STORE

Do It All Dad

Just one pink bouncy ball. I need to strengthen my palming hand because dunking a mini basketball in front of my kids this summer doesn’t count.

Owner

No it doesn’t.

Do It All Dad

Just like anyone can slam Dat Pham.

The main nerd in Silicon Valley from the Verizon commercials told Playboy magazine, “swinging”, saved his marriage. From what, permanent erectile dysfunction after the blue balls Mueller report?

The main nerd in Silicon Valley from the Verizon commercials told Playboy magazine, “swinging”, saved his marriage. Banging out code samples on Github to get into character didn’t.

The main nerd in Silicon Valley from the Verizon commercials told Playboy magazine, “swinging”, saved his marriage. His wife insists he wear the same Illuminati gang bang mask on at home to appear more leading man mysterious.

Show title ideas for my blueberry pancakes creation on my father son dish review show Better Than Boobie.

Crepe Pancakes You’d Roll One Up For

Upstaging Joe Pesci in Casino

Skinnier Pancake Tits

Griddle Pancakes Be Good.

Burn One Down by Ben Harper is amazing. It’s the most beautiful, hilarious défense for being a pothead ever. At 1st, I thought Ben Harper was freaking Wy Clef.

Not jealous about the first 15 minutes of Bill Burr’s Paper Tiger outside of learning he’s performing at Royal Albert Hall. Michelle Obama material was weak. He’s never been close to Bill Hick’s hitting class, sorry split screen comedy nerd commentators.

INT. BOOKSTORE

Book Store Lady

Don’t touch the books.

Do It All Dad

Pete The Cat could get the coodies from you Samuel, you pussy hound slut.

Why does the NY Times hate Trump so much? Because they still think half of America, consists of brainless, xenophobic hicks. Who’d rather see the Blue Collar Tour than see Collin Quinn off Broadway, playing the Irish Jackie Mason in a button down shirt.

INT. HOME

Son

I want to visit Japan for my birthday. So I can have Sushi for breakfast, lunch and dinner.

Do It All Dad

You know what else tastes like sushi?

Funny Halloween flashback. Who are you for Halloween? Stan Smith from American Dad, CIA, Deep State, you know Swamp Thing. I wanted to dress the family in black face in honor of the Cleveland Show but Megyn Kelly stole our thunder.

Michael Kornbluth

Poop Shamed Experienced

Once my daughter steps on her pink Ukulele guitar. I say. You don’t step on guitars Matilda. My daughter replies. But Jimi played with his teeth. Didn’t he dry hump his guitar in bed at night also Dada? I can deal without that experience.

Comparing the U.S Border Patrol to Nazi’s is stupid. Most of them are 5 degrees of séparation from Menudo.

Blog titles for a new chapter in my Better Than Boobie book. Tortilla Chips Stuck In My Daughter’s Throat Not Manly Enough, I Ain’t No Fag Scholanti? Goat Cheese Is Tangier Than Tang Ciabatta Sandwich Supremacist.

INT. HOME

Do It All Dad

A massage therapist from Malibu who accused Kevin Spacey of trying to get a happy ending is dead.

Wife

What was the cause of death?

Do It All Dad

The Masseuse insisting Kevin Spacey stick to grabbing men in tights.

Blackmail, threatening to spill the solicitation audio to Wiki Leaks.

Ratting on a made gay actor in the Malibu Mafia.

How has Trump encouraged racism Jimmy Carter? Sign off on Prison Reform, hire Ben Carson to run Hud, take Dennis Rodman’s calls. Give the Presidential Medal of Freedom to Mariano Rivera with a whiff of coco butter in the air.

Best Jimi albums in order.

Jimi Hendrix Experience

Electric Lady Land

Band of Gypsies

Jimi Hendrix Blues

My 27 old month son only requests Jimi on Vinyl. Jimi Dada. Today, Jimi jerking off his guitar shaft would be seen as gay projection.

INT. HOME

Over The Hill Hipster Hack

Jimi was useless in a fight.

Do It All Dad

On a head full of acid, you’d be less useful than Jimi’s fluffer. For his turn of spin the bottle of Southern Comfort with Janis during her puberty phase.

My father instructed our DJ to stop playing Jimi’s version of the Star Spangled Banner at our wedding in a sculpture garden outside of Woodstock. Fake news hippie, my dad’s lived in Arizona for 8 years and still hasn’t been to the Grand Canyon yet.

INT. HOME

Daughter

Dada’s snippy because he’s on Adderal.

Do It All Dad

No I’m snippy because I’m sick of being on sandwich detail for you kids 3 years in a row without any relief in sight. Mama working on warming up on the couch isn’t helping.

The only plausible assertion in the fake news Kavanaugh sexual assault story. Is that the only way he’d ever stick his penis in Ford’s direction is if someone shoved it into her general direction after a failed frat jerk on the couch prior.

Abortions just fell to their lowest rate since 1973. Sarah Silverman has made it easier for fat hipsters to just stay no. Especially, when they have to pull out early anyway from excessive meat sweats.

Aaron Sorkin declares Trump dumb again. Dude, you haven’t written an entertaining movie since A Few Good Men and without the Jack cameo, the movie ends up flatter than Ashton Kutcher after Demi got her botox on her drooping neck.

Kayne’s new album is Jesus Is King. Technically speaking, if Jesus is the real son of God, doesn’t that make him a Prince? Does God bequeath the throne to Jesus in the New Testament? Is Kayne making Bible free style alterations during his sermons?

According to the NY Times, poop shaming woman at work is a thing now. Hey Carol, light a match, use a Starbucks across the street from Duane Reade. Just don’t stink up the bathroom like you’ve been in and out of love with your husband for 9 years.

Michael Kornbluth

Uncomfortable Neverland Deniers

High School Cheerleaders in North Carolina are on probation for posing with a Trump 2020 banner because it made it certain classmates uncomfortable. Just when I thought hanging up an ISIS flag outside my house to scare away trick or treaters was a grand old idea.

Proof the NY Times is faker than you think. They’re posting ads for fact checkers on LinkedIn. The only requirement is to play make believe you’re confirming the truth. They posted a huge ad at UCB for willing participants.

INT. Gas Station

Do It All Dad

2 dollars for the Post now. You better blow me for this.

Bill Burr says it doesn’t look like anybody is going to beat Trump. That’s like saying it doesn’t look like Louie will ever wait to do a set the Cellar, even if he came out in a trench coat and sunglasses and Sarah Silverman’s hoodie to wipe up.

I’m sick of of hearing about Shane Gillis already. He’s a whatever schlub who derides all confessional comedy as fag humor. I’m sure George Carlin would’ve been made Gillis his daughter’s honorary Godfather if he were still alive.

Daughter warming my heart.

Daughter

But mommy never makes cookies.

Do It All Dad laughs long time.

Blog titles about eco-anxiety.

The Pope Recycles Pedophiles

Russia Collusion Burnout Doesn’t Count

When the Children Quote Salon

The EPA Is A Bloated, Albert Brooks

ANTIFA In Black Isn’t Sweating It

Hot Economy’s Are Good

Blog Titles About Bruce Lee Revisionist History

Brad Pitt Isn’t Kicking Kareem’s Ass

Tarantino Is A Wannabe Slater in True Romance

Bruce Lee Was A Licensed Killer

One Fingered Push Up Master

The Chinese Only Steal Secrets

INT. Yoga Studio-West Village, NYC

Owner

Russel, you make our A list model clientele run away.

Russel Simmons

Read my lisp. I didn’t rape any of those vengeful, over the hill ho’s.

Owner

It’s not like you’re in Neverland Denial.

Michael Kornbluth

Born To Make Funnier Children

Seinfeld is heading to Netflix in 2021. I hope half those proceeds are going to Larry’s kids.

My youngest comedy star on the rise.

2 Year old son lies down on the alphabet map.

2 Year Old Son
Me dead Dada.

Do It All Dad laughs long time.

INT. Arthur Avenue Pizzeria-NY

Daughter

Daddy, what’s the Godfather movie about?

Do It All Dad

The favorite son becoming a ruthless crime boss because he had to talk with cotton balls in his mouth for a whole year and leave the country only to have his fiance blown to pieces.

INT. Arthur Avenue Pizzeria-NY

Daughter

Daddy, what’s the Godfather movie about again?

Do It All Dad

It’s an advertorial warning for taking over the family’s waste removal business.

INT. Jaipore Royal Indian Cuisine

Daughter

I like chutney’s.

Do It All Dad

Baba used to make them from scratch before Trader Joe’s was invented. Or chose to adopt a rescue dog, 3 grandchildren later. Baby Samuel isn’t even sloppy thirds anymore.

INT. Home

Daughter

Did converting to Hinduism make John Coltrane a better tenor sax player?

Do It All Dad

Yes, just don’t listen to John Coltrane’s Africa 1st thing in the morning or your soothing morning meditation gains will be eliminated.

Trump questioning Obama’s Netflix deal. What does Obama know about show business? He can’t carry a show like me. How many social justice docs can he do? Some good the Wire did on HBO. Did David Simon pass prison reform Obama? Just checking.

Natural comedy stars on the rise.

Daughter

Daddy, I see your twin on the Netflix home screen. He’s tall and got a beard like you but but a skinnier face.

Son

I’m not a tough guy. I’m still whimpering.

INT. HOME

Daughter

Why does Vishnu want me be purified of all selfish desires? I want to break every horse jumping record.

Do It All Dad
Jessica Springsteen is a show jumping champion. Evil is saying, her face is nothing to nay about.

Michael Kornbluth

Melting Pots Of Diversity

Casseroles don’t have to be 100% American made. Although, adding mayo, a Paula Dean tip for added moisture works wonders. What’s Paula Dean’s new clothing line called, Plantation Nation?

God didn’t command, use Campbell’s cream of mushroom for family friendly casseroles only. Just like he never commanded us to bolster Obama’s resume for him. Make Michelle proud again and use an organic cream of mushroom brand instead.

Casseroles need more American cheesiness than you think. Understand, I’m not talking about Tim Allen, woman don’t appeal to me because they don’t know their way around a power tool the way I do. Shred your own blocks of Cabot cheese, alright.

Don’t half ass a Casserole or let your wife try to replicate your kitchen tested gooey dish of yummy dance sparking perfection. Or else, you’ll hate yourself for handing over your kid’s happiness to mama because expectations are the root of misery.

Casseroles shouldn’t be used for a mere frozen broccoli plop. Boil fresh Broccoli before blanching the bushy heads. Tell your kids Blanching is an ice bubble for Broccoli. It extracts the yuck, symbolizing mo money making good luck.

Use rigatoni over Penne for your cheesy casserole. It’s not a dish to count your calories for. And Penne is like anorexic rigatoni. It fails to deliver any semblance of big deal bite like any Nikki Glaser roast joke on Comedy Central.

Use meaty, sauteed pieces of Oyster Mushrooms in Maine made butter for your Asian American Casserole Drift. They’re more scrumptious tasting than Shiitake mushrooms and not as farm to table pricey woodsy as Chanterelle’s from France either.

So what makes my Asian American Casserole Drift a melting pot of diversity? Did Donna Reed use sauteed Oyster Mushrooms in her casserole? Before Martha Stewart became a lifestyle guru for single billionaire farmhouse fixer uppers in Bedford, NY.

Michael Kornbluth

 

 

 

Too Sensitive Abe

INT. Yonker’s Raceway

Talking Horse

Your resume is confetti for the next Yankee parade.

Do It All Dad

So you’re the HR Director I had a phone interview with already. I placed a guy at Southern Wine and Spirits. No idea he was black till I met him.
INT. DELI

Deli Guy
10.50.

Do It All Dad

You 3 Kids are cheap dates. You’re way better than the Southern Belle who dined on my homemade Linguini in a white clam sauce and pepperoncinis. Only to ask for leftovers to take home, stupid hick.

INT. DELI

Deli Guy

10.50.

Do It All Dad

You kids are cheap dates. You’re way better than the Southern Belle who dined on my homemade Linguini in a white clam sauce and pepperoncinis, only to ask for leftovers to take home. She lost all sex appeal for me on the spot.

INT. Bedroom

Do It All Dad

Nirvana is extinction of 3 fires, greed, hate & delusion.

Daughter

F Vishnu Dada. Rocky only beat Apollo because he was hungrier. He wanted more visciously.

Do It All Dad

Bernie Maddoff’s greed gave our people a bad name.

INT. Bedroom

Do It All Dad

Nirvana is extinction of 3 fires, greed, hate & delusion.

Daughter

I know you’re scared of mommy boring us to death and of a Nanny who will molest my gorgeous 2 brothers behind my back with you on the road getting your killer set act together already.

INT. Bedroom

Do It All Dad

Nirvana is extinction of 3 fires, greed, hate & delusion.

Daughter

But if you’re not fired up to shine and be the best of the rest when you’re an unfamous nobody. You’ll never know whether you were delusional in real life.

INT. Bedroom

Do It All Dad

Nirvana is extinction of 3 fires, greed, hate & delusion.

Daughter

If you don’t hate being a nobody, you wouldn’t be fired up over earning your Comedy Gold Porsche Mobile Dada. You’d know if you we’re a hack by now Dada.

INT. Bedroom

Do It All Dad

Nirvana is extinction of 3 fires, greed, hate and delusion.

Daughter

Obviously, Vishnu never bombed every mic 1 year in a row. But hating people for making you feel like a delusional hack strengthend your desire to kill Dada.

INT. POST OFFICE

Do It All Dad

Who takes up vaping in their thirties? My douchebag brother in law who took 7 years to never graduate college does. He’s like Van Wilder minus the rich Dad. Take up blunt rolling while you’re at it.

EXT. Home

Do It All Dad

You don’t hear me crying baby. And I’ve been on bum wipe detail for 8 years.

Bigger Brother

Because Matilda is 8 and you’ve been wiping our baby bums in rapid succession ever since. I totally get it Dada.

INT. Bedroom
Do It All Dad

Nirvana is extinction of 3 fires, greed, hate & delusion.

Daughter

Find a way to take Barnstorming Barbershop USA on the road Dada. What if you did a 2 person act with a Shetland Pony who identified with Akward Jews.

INT. LIBRARY

Library Lady

A baseball book. Do you like baseball daddy?

Do It All Dad

My daughter smacks Wiffle Balls against our House like Artie Lange in Little League when the smell of fresh cut crass and going yard was all you need.

INT. POST OFFICE

Do It All Dad

Who takes up vaping in their thirties? My douche bag brother in law who took 7 years to never graduate college does. He’s like Van Wilder minus the rich Dad. Why not dry hump your penis off for old time sake.

INT. LIBRARY

Library Lady

A baseball book. Do you like baseball daddy?

Do It All Dad

No, I just wrote an all star chapter addition to my rookie debut book, titled, Homers, Dunks and TKO’s because I’m a Cricket Zenophobe lady.

INT. LIBRARY

Library Lady

A baseball book. Do you like baseball daddy?

Do It All Dad Do I have ISIS Life tattooed on my fucking forehead?

INT. Home

Wife

Get a job or move out. I’ve sacrificed so much to support your alleged comedy career.

Do It All Dad

You act like a wannabe comedian in his late twenties wanted kids ever. Also, the kids need me around more than you fake feminist.

INT. DELI

2 Year Old Son

Penis, Penis.

Do It All Dad

Your push pop does operate like a penis with the woman’s prior consent, with a lawyer present to create a sworn affidavit documenting your super soaker agreement, that’s correct.

INT. LIBRARY

Library Lady

A baseball book. Do you like baseball daddy?

Do It All Dad

No, I just wrote an Eastbound and Down script Cooperstown Or Bust. Only to show my father I’m not a flaming fruitcake.

INT. Bedroom

Do It All Dad

Nirvana is extinction of 3 fires, greed, hate & delusion.

Daughter

You are a total laugh blowing slut Dada. Being so wild and free isn’t always such a good thing. Giving up on the delusion of Mama loosing all faith in you would help.

INT. Home (V.0)

Do It All Dad

If, “All good things are wild & free.” Then, why are my parents embarrassed about me being a stay at home dad? Whose written 2 books, done 124 podcasts. John Lennon wishes he was this productive during his stay at home dad years.

INT. Daughters Bedroom

Do It All Dad

According to this Religion Explained in 30 Seconds book. Hindus beleive our fate is determined by karma.

Daughter

What’s Karma?

Do It All Dad

Making the Comedy God Killu laugh long time because he gave me you kid.

INT. Fancy Supermarket

American Asian Fish Manager

Is that it?

Do It All Dad

Let me guess. You’re pissed at Andrew Yang for not boasting about knowing any working class Fish Mongers.

INT. Bar-Knob Creek-KY

Austin Gollaher

Honest Abe was also Too Sensitive Abe because he made me swear to never tell anyone I saved him from drowning when we’re kids coon hunting.

Do It All Dad

Because Abe hated being a worst swimmer than Frederick Douglass?

INT. Home

Daughter

Daddy, how has your life changed since you became a father?

Do It All Dad

I still give a shit about what LinkedIn thinks of me. Mimi and Papà gushed about Uncle John at his wedding despite my 3 kids to his zero. So not much actually.

Michael Kornbluth

Are White Rainbows Racist?

INT. Daughter’s Bedroom

Daughter

What’s meditation?

Do It All Dad

Breathing exercises done to make your self a more centered, less all over the place Jew.

Daughter

You’re not very good at meditation daddy. What’s your mantra, Dohh?

 

INT. Daughter’s Bedroom

Daughter

Daddy, you should join the PTA. What would happen if you did?

Do It All Dad

A bunch of local moms would fall in love with me.

Daughter

Do it then Daddy, do it.

Do It All Dad

I’m already indexed as a Homemaker on LinkedIn.

 

INT. Daughter’s Bedroom

Daughter

Daddy, are White Rainbows racist? Because I made a wish on your behalf. And I don’t want to offend Vishnu whose more hardcore Indian than Kal Penn.

Do It All Dad

You breath infinite sweetness kid.

 

INT. Daughter’s Bedroom

Daughter

Daddy, are White Rainbows racist? Because I made a wish on your behalf. And I don’t want to offend Vishnu whose more hardcore Indian than Kal Penn.

Do It All Dad

Were you reborn as my good luck guru?

 

INT. Daughter’s Bedroom

Daughter

Daddy, are White Rainbows racist? Because I made a wish on your behalf. And I don’t want to offend Vishnu whose more hardcore Indian than Kal Penn.

Do It All Dad

You make feel flush with Karma miles.

EXT. NORTH SALEM FARM

A film crew is shooting a remake of Black Beauty voiced by Angela Bassett.

Talking Horse

Extra work is demeaning, huh?

Do It All Dad

Nicollette Sheridan eyed fucked me on a mechanical bull on a shoot in Universal City for Desperate Housewives once.

 

EXT. HORSE STALL

Talking Horse

I read your book. I really identified with the chapter from From Upper Middle To Lower Deplorable.

Do It All Dad

Your parents are Cankle lovers to?

Talking Horse

I’m Hollywood Royalty. My dad starred in Xena the Warrior Princess.

INT. Yonker’s Raceway

Do It All Dad 500 hundred on Harlan Hauler.

Ticket Booth Guy

He’s a 50 to 1 long shot.

Do It All Dad

I sold off all my hair metal records my wife can’t stand anyway. Indy Rock music for troll massage parlors is my future now pal.

EXT. HORSE STALL-NORTH SALEM

Talking Horse

Your wife hates everything you love. Hair Metal guitar solos, scoring laughs, supporting Trump, your kids calling her boring over you, Adam Sandler films.

Do It All Dad

She’s forcing me to see Bjork in London.

 

EXT. Home

Daughter

Join the PTA, do an open mike in the city for old times sake, go to Yonkers Raceway with your new hippie friend Conner on Mushrooms. Funny men like you dada deserve some fun off your bum.

 

EXT. Home

Daughter

Join the PTA, do an open mike in the city for old times sake, go to Yonkers Raceway with your new hippie friend Conner on Mushrooms. Take a yoga class at Chelsea Piers. Move out of your comfort zone Do It All Dada.

EXT. Home

Daughter Join the PTA, do an open mike in the city for old times sake, go to Yonkers Raceway with your new hippie friend Conner on Mushrooms. Take a yoga class. Do It All Dad needs to do more than jokes dada.

EXT. Home

Daughter

Daddy, Billy Bob Thorton is shooting a new movie in North Salem. Stop horsing around with jokes you don’t have the time to do on stage. Billy Bob will give you some lines & a trailer so you stop bombarding the cast with material.

 

Lebron wanted to patent Taco Tuesday. So now he’s the Trump of multiculturalism? King of not knowing his lane, please.

Michael Kornbluth

 

 

 

Weapons of Mass Destruction Years

New York City has Muslim Community Patrols now. Was Midtown East renamed Sharia Law East? Bars are everywhere. All the yenta’s wear flip flops to work on Casual Friday. Deli’s won’t stop serving construction workers Bacon Egg and Cheeses, sorry Samir.

Just when my wife wasn’t annoying me. Wife calls. You forgot to pick up Arthur by the bus, fail. You should’ve reminded me about the half day bullshit before you drove off with our only car on my alleged free work morning babe. But you’re perfect.

Funny flashback to my brother’s wedding party. I’m entertaining my kids outside. Younger brother’s wife interrupts and says, “You should be watching your mom’s dance with Jonathan. I reply. “Why, are they all over each already?”

Bill Gates on his dealings with Jeffrey Epstein. I meet lot’s of rich people. You have no life outside of work because I made answering Outlook your permanent reality, no matter where you roam to get away from corporate speediness.

Text exchange with my younger brother. When you see the 30 for 30 on Rodman you’ll see Isiah in a new light. Jordon got him blacklisted from the Dream Team. And he’s got a worst handle on cock control than Hugh Grant. And he made Marbury a deity in China.

Ban ICE, because homeland security was so weapons of mass destruction years.

Why is radical Islam so into deflowering virgins? Doesn’t Radical Islam have enough blood on their hands already? Suicide Bomber Number One enters virgin Heaven allegedly. Virgin Number mumbles through her sexiest beekeeper burka wear in a sarcastic Janeane Garofalo tone. Didn’t Arafat get Aids from banging a poppy addicted Goat? Your people invented the lamb skin condom, how do drop the ball on that? You also realize I don’t have moves like Shakira in the sack because I’m a clueless virgin like Jennifer Jason Leigh in Fast Times at Ridgemont High, right?

Michael Kornbluth

Horsing Around With Hinduism

Inspired dialogue exchange for a pilot about a Talking Palomino horse I’m developing.

Do It All Dad

No more handouts.

Talking Horse

It’s not a handout if you didn’t ask for it. And I’m just giving you a tip on a horse who’s a sure thing in Santa Anita, alright.

Another inspired dialogue exchange for a pilot about a Talking Palomino horse I’m developing.

Do It All Dad

No more fun. My addiction to fun hasn’t been a profitable one yet.

Talking Horse

Just get off Adderall already. Focusing more your on your slimy ego is bad.

Daughter presents her friend ad to her 3rd Grade Teacher but makes the ad for her father instead of herself. Ad reads. New friend needed for my Daddy. Interests include writing, getting laughs, talking about ex-girlfriends and yelling at mommy. Teacher replies. I can recommend a good Equine Therapist to work on his anger control issues.

INT. HOME

Daughter

You always get angry at people if they demonize Trump Dada. We live in horse country, get a job at a horse farm to work on your ego control issues. They call it Equine Therapy. Write a about book about, Horsing Around With Hinduism. It’s money in the bank, daddy. Will buy our own horse farm with enough land for your Larry Bird basketball court Dada. You’ll never have to seek out a new family friendly venue for us to enjoy each other in public again.

INT. Horse Stall

Talking Horse

Write me a lead in All The Sensitive Horses. Will shoot in India. There you can’t get arrested for calling Valerie Jarrett Obama’s live in Arabian horse whisperer. Aren’t you also taking Yoga more seriously now? Well, enough stalling. Based on your all over the pace body language, I can tell your Chakras as a whole are more clogged than your freshman one hitter.

Do It All Dad

Write a hit horse movie for Bollywood, where hate speech police aren’t out to get me. I do need to pick a new race to win. Dice, John Stewart, all changed their Jewy sounding names for greater mass market appeal. But you can’t beat that billion dollar plus Hindu market baby. I’m coming out as a born again Hindu, end of story, oh. Do It All Dad Does Bollywood has a nice ring to it also.

Michael Kornbluth