I’m convinced Lebron James got the idea to sport a fake news cast during the NBA playoffs from Michelle Obama. After she threatened, to break her arm in Obama’s ass, next time he dared to offer Beyoncé a glass of Paul Newman’s Lemonade over a batch of her homemade Kombucha.
I loved the NBA when it didn’t exist as a safe space for Lebron James ego. Refs are scared of calling traveling on Lebron James because they don’t want to be accused of oppressive, racial profiling during game 7 in the NBA finals against the Boston Celtics. Ref Duffy says. Relax king of the persecution complex. I just called traveling on you. Stop acting like a threw you up against a wall for being out past lights on Newbury Street.
If Lebron James loses to the Clippers this year. Will Obama console himself by digging into his secret stash of Almond Joys in the garage behind a box of duct tape from Costco? Joan lives.
If Obama is such a baller at basketball, then why did he ride the bench at an all Asian private school in Hawaii?
Lebron admits to liking Enemim now because he’s a never Trumper rapper resistor. Trump’s a Nazi bro. Actually, when Trump bought Mara A Lago, he immediately, lifted the permanent ban on Jewish membership Slim on Facts Shady.
This is Eminem and Dre discussing the merger between Microsoft and LinkedIn. Dre says. Hey, slim Microsoft paid 4.7 billion dollars for LinkedIn. Worrrrrrrrrrrrrd. LinkedIn is lamer than ever yoh.
But Lebron is boys with Snoop Dog also, which makes him a class act through association, knowing Snoop’s dog hovers a notch above porn hood hell.
His boy Jay Z say he didn’t stand for the national anthem because he was protesting Demi Lovato brutalizing the national anthem, sounding too much like a white privileged Alabama Shakes in the process. Meanwhile, the Queen of England is at home in Buckingham palace watching Beyoncé sitting her ass out for the National Anthem also, thinking, “I thought Meghan Markle was a royal pain in the ass.” For trying to hock Princess Diana’s ballerina slippers on eBay after Michelle Obama stretched them out beyond repair.
Lebron doesn’t want NBA owners who pay his salary, to be called owners because he isn’t a player owner like Michael Jordan yet. Nor is he talented enough like Magic to make HIV disappear.
A new rumor is Lebron James might run for President of the Unites States. What’s going to be King James’s campaign slogan? Free college for student athletes. Wait a minute that already exists. That’s right, King James will offer free college for all dreamers if they let him patent Taco Tuesday already.
Lebron’s already stood for the Chinese national anthem and instructed his Laker team to sit out the anthem. That’s right, he’s protesting police brutality compared to mowing down monks in tanks and criminal justice reform his boy Jigga played zero role in erecting, despite his past cracking selling years, responsible for sending hundreds if not thousands of young black babies into premature hell.
Lebron’ wants to become President of The United States so bad, just so he could tell Laura Ingraham to stick to being a less ghoulish Ann Coulter.
Jerry Seinfeld just auctioned off one of his vintage Porsches for charity. I hope half those proceeds went to Larry’s kids.
Is it me or does Robert Dinero on the View these days, look like Betsy Ross falling apart at the seams?
If Google doesn’t manipulate search results, then why is harder to find positive mentions of Trump on Google than finding a film blogger on Rotten Tomatoes who called the Irishman underrated?
Facebook has made Baby Boomer the laziest grandparent generation of all time. Lifting a finger is liking a picture on Facebook.
Kendrick Lamer won the Pulitzer Prize because Obama got the Nobel Peace Prize for rebranding ISIS, ISIL, so they’d sound more start up friendly in the NY Times.
Why is Radical Islam so into deflowering virgins? Doesn’t Radical Islam have enough blood on their hands already?
One kid only means your diaphragm is for walls after all.
3 unplanned kids later, I never mastered the art of the pump fake. I’m scared of getting a vasectomy because I don’t want my ball sack to feel like Edward Scissorhands face.
Did you know there is a Planned Parenthood in the middle of NYU? You’d think sticking to anal, fellatio or the morning after pill wasn’t beyond Freshman orientation comprehension yet? So much for NYU raising the requirements since Debra Messing got in.
Planned Parenthood is in the sex ed book business now like the graphic sex book In case You’re Curious for sexually confused hipster spawn reared on Lou Reed Records.
I went to Ithaca college myself, otherwise known as Cornell’s retarded next-door neighbor. But I could spoke strong Tompkins County outdoor and stutter every other 2 seconds because I was in distinguished Roy H. Park School of Communications.
CEO of Disney Bob Iger went to Ithaca. This is Oprah trying to talk him into running for President. You’ll defend your decision to fire Roseanne, despite Valarie Jarret, the main author the nuke gifting Iran deal being Obama’s live in Arabian Horse Whisperer.
I should’ve subbed my whiny, no show Jewish Grandma for a wise Black Grandma at my wedding. Post an ad on Craig’s List, Tyler Perry impersonators are welcome. Must be comfortable performing in front of white audiences only.
How does Farrakhan celebrate Holocaust remembrance Day? Bombard Benjamin Netanyahu Twitter Feed with termite emojis from dawn till night? Hashtag, But Natalie Portman and Scarlett Johansen are alright.
This is me preparing my son on how to avoid any anti-Semitic backlash at school before winter break this year. So, when you play dreidel with your non-Jewish classmates, don’t say Gimmel means give me all your money because we control the Federal Reserve and all the banks in the North Pole to.
When my daughter was only 2 and can only string 2 words together. We’d do a routine at the bodega in Astoria. I’d say, Matilda what did Tyson Chandler give the Knicks. And she’d say, boopkus, Dada, boopkus.
God didn’t give me 3 unplanned kids to have a panic over it, although my daughter gave me fits of despair this question barely out of the womb. So, Dada, if God created the universe, who created God. Um, God went back in time in a Time Machine made my Elon Musk. Real Convincing Dad. Thanks for making me an Atheist at 4.
I freaked out during a Christmas party when my daughter was only 3 because my wife’s friend got my daughter a pair of fairy wings. I told her friend, “Get the fairy wings off my daughter now. Knowing mama’s side trance background, she looks like an overdose at the Limelight waiting to happen.
Side note, fuck China. Chinese made Fentanyl has killed more crackers in this country than Lena Dunham kicking with Taylor Swift on Instagram.
The first concert I took my daughter to see was a Grateful Dead days after her 2nd birthday. Daughter points at a dinged-up hippie sucking down a nitrous balloon and says birthday. I say, no Matilda, burn out day.
This is Ziggy Marley being interviewed by High Times Magazine. Your dad Bob at 5 kids. I thought ganja drained your life blaster dry. Fake news man.
Took my daughter to see Billy Joel at MSG for her 5th birthday. Mom freaks out, saying make sure my granddaughter wears earplugs. I tell her, relax mom. I’m taking her to see Metallica. Plus, Billy Joel music still sounds like rocking lullaby music for eighties republicans.
Her younger brother suffers motor mouth disease like her dad. At Pre-K they got concerned about his ability to make friends because he’s hard to understand. I told my son. Like Dale Carnegie says in How to Win Friends and Influence people. Fake an interest in other people as long as humanly possible.
I also told him he’s not leaving the house for Junior high unless his backpack is stuffed with pre-poundage consent forms.
How do you solve sexual harassment at work today? Only hire a remove work force. And start every Skype meeting with. Raise your hands up I where I can see them.
My youngest boy Samuel, Chosen Curls was bound to woo. Some random Italian grandma will stop him at Stop and Shop and says. When you get older, you’ll have 3 girlfriends to juggle. I say. No offense lady, but James Woods had this kid’s face. Your estimates wouldn’t be so conservative.
Despite my mom converting, my dad never allowed my mom a Christmas Tree, insisting, son Jews don’t buy Christmas Trees, unless they convert into a tree house and flip it for a profit.
My mom is originally from Kentucky, which is more like Midwest south. Where finger food is anything that tastes like your cousin’s panties. Growing my mom says, son Kentucky is known for 2 things, horses and pretty woman. And I respond with, mom keep your sundress on before you tell me Dad is hung like Seabiscuit.
Has Minnesota rep, Baby Face Omar, acknowledged the anniversary of Amy Winehouse’s death as something happened? To a horn hiding, Benjamin hording, oppressive imperialist, who exploited the great, Palestinian Song Book for all it was worth.
And enough with Israeli aggression. If you fire 700 rockets into Israel’s backyard Hamas. Don’t expect an edible gift basket in return with a thank you note written in Farsi.
If I see Transgender father’s day trend on Twitter one more time, I’m breaking my chic filet strike for good. Either you’re an involved father or you’re not Nipple Tits. Also, feeling shafted shouldn’t be a new experience in your life either.
This if Jefferey Tambour in his trailer after learning one of his Trans Co-star pissed on his toilet seat. Real lady like, now get out of my trailer. You butchy bitch, hey now.
Did you know the majority of Americans think Obama was a better President than Lincoln yet I don’t see George Washington giving Iran 150 billion dollars for overseas manufacturing jobs for Build a Bear, to make their economy less reliant on the sale of hair removal products for the Kardashians.
Kim Kardashian is studying to become a Criminal Justice Lawyer. Criminal Justice Lawyers are so hot right now.
Bruce Jenner wasn’t asexual married to Kris Jenner. But I bet Bruce back then stayed harder longer after he got his wife Kris cut her hair, looking more like a dolled-up Ralph Macchio.
Kris Jenner hates all the attention Caitlyn Jenner steals away from her because of her tits sagging popularity.
Memo to displaced hipster who can’t afford to live in Manhattan or Brooklyn anymore. Stop, saying Queens is hot, it’s not. Compared to Manhattan and Brooklyn, Queens is the sloppy 3rd Kardashian sister. The extra greasy one, who’s easy to pound at 3 in the morning like a lamb gyro in Astoria.
Ban ICE, makes sense don’t you think New York? Because homeland security was so Weapons of Mass Destruction years.
Did you know in New York City you can be fined 250 thousand dollars for using dehumanizing language on an illegal alien such as, No speak English.” Whose translating these insults for Juan exactly? Now, in New York City, an illegal alien can get a driver license to vote and a hate speech translator to bankrupt Apu, in a bodega in Flushing.
I wish LaVar Ball was sub coach dad growing up because he’s made sure I lost my virginity before my younger brother did. So, I’d feel like a bigger baller inside and stop prancing down the court on my tippy toes, looking like I was in high heels instead of high tops, yelling from the sideline. “We’re trying to sell Baller Wear son, not Jimmy Choo’s.”
LaVar Ball as my sub coach dad would throw me house parties for games of spin the bottle at home and only invite stuck Jenny from the Block. He yells in Stuck Up Jenny’s ear. The Yoo-hoo Bottle doesn’t spin itself bitch.
Russell Simmons off the record with Oprah. Oprah read my lisp. I didn’t rape any of those vengeful, over the hill hoes.
Who told Samuel Jackson it was cool to start dressing like Spike Lee’s Grandma? Who identifies as a jazz critic descendant of Sony Rollins in Tyler Perry’s new film, the Uppity Cunt.
Have they taken down the Rocky statue yet? Because it promotes white supremacy.
Bill Burr says, he doesn’t see anybody beating Trump in 2020. That’s like saying, Louie will never have to wait to do an impromptu set at the Comedy Cellar, wearing nothing but sunglasses, a trench coat and Sarah Silverman’s hoody to wipe up with.
Did you know Woody Allen used to stuff his top sock drawer with naked polaroids of his nine-year adopted daughter Soon Yi. The only thing missing was a picture of her on Time Life Magazine.
I did love Woody Allen’s last film, about some a super old dude who bangs some underage girl, it was a prequel, called, Crimes and Misdemeanors the early years.
If Ronan Farrow is really Frank Sinatra’s son, not Woody Allen’s. Then, why hasn’t paid off a goon to knock Woody Allen on his ass yet. But hanging out with Jefferey Epstein is good luck though. Granted, Woody Allen isn’t known for advertising pedo installation artwork like the Podesta brothers, which is enough to make Marilyn Manson blush
Our state of the union is like Stephen Colbert’s handle on funny these days, shaky. Too bad Bill O’Reily is no longer important enough to impersonate. At least, Bill O’ Reilly gave Colbert, gravitas.
Jimmy Fallon’s writers hate because when he tried to rub his hair off on the Tonight Show, a real skinhead didn’t emerge.
Make Nazi Germany great again wasn’t his campaign slogan Michael Rappaport. Too bad, Louie can’t write you another annoying NY asshole to play in such convincing fashion.
Did you know Lena Dunham was Hillary Hammer Time Cankles, social media manager? Only Lena Dunham could Huma Licker Breath, less likable and relatable in one blubbery swoop.
In related news, Kevin Durant chose to sign with the Brooklyn net because he wanted to be the voice of the millennial musketeer generation.
Hillary giving a speech on cybersecurity is like Kevin Durant getting paid for a speech on how to combat online bullying.
Hillary claims Trump is obsessed with her because he’s an illegitimate president. I thought Hillary Hammer Time Cankles lost at becoming President twice, because she’s an unhuggable cunt, alcoholic deplorable, who failed to sell 64 million branded racists, on why baby boomer mom knows best, my bad.
Harvey Weinstein is now an officially convicted rapist. His wife left him before the jury verdict to focus on her lifetime battle with amnesia.
Still, Ashley Judd isn’t a real victim of rape. Ooh, she balked at watching Harvey shower himself down in his 5-star suite at the 4 Seasons. Granted, Ashley Judd being from Kentucky, has plenty of experience judging fat pigs at the country fair.
I also don’t believe Kristaps Porzingis was guilty of trying the neighbor in his apartment complex, the day her tore his ACL. First, going strong to hole isn’t KP’s forte. Last, Harvey Weinstein isn’t trying to rape Wonder woman, played by Gal Gadot on only one good leg.
Imagine Thanksgiving at the Obama’s this year. Malia, you barely touched your Tofurky. Daddy, all my woke friends at school don’t understand why you let me intern for Harvey Weinstein. Obama replies. Michelle was your chaperon on set. And that fat Jew couldn’t pin down Michelle if he tried. Can I get holla for more than fair Obama blast for ages Challah?
Also, if Michelle Obama were run for President to become the closer to finish off Bernie Sanders. What would her campaign slogan be? Obama’s 5 O Clock Shadow part 2. Joan lives.
They say, woman’s soccer gold medalist, Megan Rapinoe might even run for President. What would her campaign slogan be? Obama bring back the L Word to Netflix. You’re only hope.
In related news, the Ellen show is looking for Digital Marketing Manager according to LinkedIn. What are the must have skills for the role? Besides, being pro Bush.
Did you know Mayor Bill DeBlasio’s wife was a full-blown Park Slope lesbo when they met? But we’re supposed to believe Garlic Breath converted her? Big Bird eats pizza with a fork and knife. So, do you really see putz face burying his beak into her bean pie with such sloppy abandon? It sounds like a plausible theory to digest.
This is me discussing Aids with my 9-year-old daughter prematurely. President Trump used his profits from the Wollman Rink in Central Park for Aids gay groups. Daughter asks. What’s Aids Daddy? I say. A reason to become a lesbian. You can take a licking and keep on ticking.
What I love about President Trump besides making ball busting great again, is his relentless optimism and over the top salesmanship. If President Trump, still your president got diagnosed with HIV today. He’d tweet the next morning. Do I have HIV? Yes, but my t-cell count numbers have never been stronger.
Mark Zuckerberg, Zit Face Zuck, Good Will Hoodie, Hillary Hammer Time Cankles reason for losing to Trump in addition to be an unhuggable cunt because Facebook ads jumped out laptops across the country, in the form of holograms of Drago from Rocky 4, demanding, “Vote Trump or I’ll break you.” Yeah, so that Mark Zuckerberg, who founded a company to list a girl’s availability status because he’s never made a cold call in his entire life. Yeah, that Mark Zuckerberg, who tried to screw the alpha dog rowing twins out of their fair share, gets his armpits blow dried before speeches, on conservative censorship. You know the ones where Good Will Hoodie, yuck pits, pretends to act like he has no knowledge of Facebook deliberately deplatforming anyone who dares to get Sasha Baron’s Cohen’s panties in a bunch and post a Toby Keith Playlist or blog detailing any actual Trump accomplishments that didn’t involve renaming ISIS, ISIS so they’d sound more start up friendly in the NY Times. Because he’s sweating more African Americans walking away from the Democratic party as a result of Diamond and Silk’s incessant, finger waiving bullshit. Plus, the only ones who still use Facebook with any regularity are resistor baby boomers and you must ban any pro Trump supporters on their site because they’ve become such easily triggered elitist, out of touch, douche bags with real God like complexes because baby boomer arrogance never dies.
Roger Waters thinks Trump is a mass murder. Yeah, you’re confusing him for the failed artist speed freak, self-hating fruitcake, fake news dictator Adam Schiff.
Adam Schiff would’ve outed his non circumcised brother to the Nazi’s for a line of chalky meth, mixed with Arm and Hammer baking soda.
Trump is a mass murder Roger Waters? Yeah, once again, make Nazi Germany great again, wasn’t his campaign slogan dude. You made a career about singing about your overbearing mommy and dad who died fighting real life Nazi’s. Trump got some starter money from his dad and turned into 3 billion becoming the master troll of the universe.
You’ve got 500 million large and your own gulf stream to take selfies with Linda Sarsour, so let’s gets all it a wash mate, before you get suicidal and dare to make the final cut.
Oh yeah, Roger Water from Pink Floyd also said Trump supporters have turned America into hell. Again, stop confusing Trump supporters to terrorist-controlled Palestine, who use kids as human shields next time they launch 700 rockets into Israel’s backyard, expecting nothing less but an edible gift basket in return, with a thank you note written in Farsi.
Trump supporters have turned America into hell. But Trump supporters don’t support sanctuary cities, encouraged lawlessness, banning bail and ICE because homeland security was so weapons of mass destruction years.
Trump supporters have turned America into hell. Yeah, for your girlfriend Linda Sarsour who endorses treacherous, Americans like Chelsea Manning’s run for senate because she endorses Sharia Law and is pro-genital mutilation.
Trump supporters have turned America into hell. I thought it was actually news media fault for pushing fake news narratives like ANTIFA are just misunderstood, Punisher vigilante wannbes under their social justice warrior hoodies.
Trump supporters have turned America into hell. Again, wasn’t the news media who pushed a Russian golden shower tale with less legs than Lieutenant Dan between Trump and a couple of Russian hookers, knowing he’s a notorious germaphobe. Plus, if the Don wanted a couple of hookers to pee on each other, he could hire a couple of Ivanka look alike in his hotel in DC anytime he likes.
Axel Rose posted a picture of a hat on his Twitter feed that says, Make the White House Great Again. Too bad Axel Rose no longer has no name music writer at Circus magazine to taunt because Kurt Cobain killed off Circus Magazine from a drab, dronish video with cheerleaders cheering the death of another Spaghetti Incident.
Neil Young declares Trump a disgrace to his country, because he had to generate the most social media buzz out of becoming a citizen yesterday. A disgrace to our country Neil is still sucking off the fake news, good hued legacy of Obama knowing he let more Chinese made fentanyl get smuggled across our southern border, to kill more crackers than Lena Dunham kicking with Taylor Swift on Instagram. Oh yeah, that’s right, Trump inherited Obama’s 2.9 GDP fueled economy. Neil, I used to love you all winter long, your banshee rocker wail and grungy, operatic, blistering, guitar solos, are the stuff of legend, yet giving Obama credit for stock market highs is like giving Nino Brown credit for getting Pookie in New Jack City, off crack and welfare. Still, I’m glad that you found love with Daryl Hannah and dumped your wife and mother of your children of 35 years, who inspired Harvest Moon because you’re in the middle of a hardcore never banged a mermaid crisis.
It feels great to be here in Montreal instead of London to see Bjork for my wife’s birthday. I wanted to see the Shrieking Seals personally. Whose idea of instrumentation is more than a dude pouring cups of water back and forth into a Koi Pond, sounding like massage parlor music for over the hill hipster elves.
At my younger brother’s wedding, my speech bombed hard. I roasted his Canadian friend from Boarding School and said Cam from Canada, make yourself at home and hit somebody. So Jim Carrey can paint you as an alt right goon for hire.
I got my TV writing break for VH1 Classic on Americas Hard 100, writing all the hard rock, heavy metal video intros, hosted by WWE star Chris Jericho, whose the only wrestler from their hard core steroid era whose still rock hard.
If took performance enhancing drugs like Larry Walker from the Montreal Expos back in the day, I would’ve struck out with more accelerated speed.
During the live shoot of America’s Hard 100, Chris Jericho tells me his father played professional hockey in Canada. Which is why he’s Chris Jericho and I’m a knock kneed Jew who couldn’t dunk a basketball on a regulation hoop if my life dependened on it.
Growing up, I wish LaVar Ball, this super involved coach dad whose sons who play in the NBA and have their own line of sneakers was my sub coach dad as a kid. Because he’d make sure I lost my virginity before my younger brother of 3 years did, so I’d feel like a bigger baller inside. LaVar Ball as my sub coach dad would host house parties in my honor for games of spin the bottle and only invite stuck up Jenny from the block. Party starts. 2 minutes later. LaVar Balls barks in stuck up Jenny’s ear. The Yoohoo bottle, doesn’t spin itself bitch.
I’m a native New Yorker who used loved the Knicks, until they traded our Latvian unicorn savior, Kristaps Porzingus for a box of cotton candy, showing no faith in Uni flying high again.
There’s no way Kristaps Porzingus raped the neighbor in his apartment building, the day he tore his ACL. Because 1st, going strong to the hole was never KP’s forte. Second, do you see Harvey Hair Clumps Weinstein, trying to rape Wonderman, played by Gal Gadot only one good leg?
Did you know female dragon flies play dead to prevent sexual assault? Bill Cosby victims call this wishful thinking.
How does black supremacist Dave Chappelle say in Michael Jackson’s defense for his latest Netflix special? All the Beatles royalty points in the world, couldn’t buy him love.
Greta Thunburg won Time Person of the year for making eco-anxiety go viral.
I don’t care how woke or liberal leaning you are. I’m sure a Dad spending a quarter million a year on his kids private school education loved to be lectured by a 16 year old on not doing enough to fight climate change.
He comes at 9. Kids are still up because all 4 of his kids are consumed with eco-anxiety. Popping melatonin gummies like nerd because their their doorman on 79th and Lex can’t keep out a typhoon from their penthouse suite overlooking Central Park. Dad freaks. Why are the kids still up? Let me guess fucking Great Thunburg again.
Imagine Greta Thunburg debating President Trump about climate change on Pay Per View.
Trump says. Fracking actually reduces are carbon emissions Greta.
Greta says. So Neil Young is full of shit now.
Trump fires back with.
Neil Young doesn’t take showers to reduce his carbon footprint. So that much you share in common babe.
Why is the trans community freaking over the Aeorsmith song, Dude Looks Like a Lady? In the song, Steven Tyler turns his cheek and takes a peek, proclaiming with surging lust, “Oh, what a funky lady, and I like it, like it, yeah.” So did Richard Pryor, get over it already.
1 Kid only means your diaphragm is for for walls after all.
I have 3 unplanned kids myself. I never came close to mastering the art of the pump fake.
My 3rd child Chosen Curls Was Bound To Woo, is constantly getting bombarded by Italian Grandma’s at the supermarket, saying. You’re gorgeous. When you get older you’ll have 3 girlfriends to juggle. And I’ll say, if James Woods, had this kid’s face, your estimates wouldn’t be so conservative.
Will be at wedding, and bunch of chesty bridesmaids, take him from arms to dance with him. And I’ll say, Chosen Curls, do you realize, they’re also manhandling me because your star power stems from your Do It All Dad’s tree trunk.
I’ve been a stay at home comedian for 9 years now. My father hates the expression stay at home dad. He prefers sheltered bum.
It’s hard to feel like a do it all dad on the rise whenever your wife’s smart phone sends her alert, whenever you make another questionable purchase. Wife calls. Hey babe, so how was Bride of Chucky?
If our newborn starts to get antsy around mama, mama will say, I think baby get’s bored when he spends too much with me. Of course, I thinking, I always knew he was a quick learner.
My wife is originally from Australia in Victoria. We wanted to get married there on Mother’s Beach yet my mom shot it down. Mom calls. Son, Australia is a long flight from New York and your father doesn’t love you that much. So I made a compromise with my wife. I said. Babe, assuming we have a boy one day. Instead, of hiring a Rabbi for the kids circumcision, will hire Crocodile Dundee. Just so we can hear a roomful of Jews say, now that’s a knife. You can chop it all off with that thing.
I’d love the idea of having a 4th child because it will be an automatic fan of me yet my wife is pushing for Vasectomy, which scares me because I don’t want my ball sack to feel like Edward Scissorhands face.
But God didn’t give 3 kids to have a panic attack over it, although my daughter gives me fits of despair asking super deep questions as usual about God.
Daddy, if God created the universe. Who created God?
Huh, God went back in time in a Time Machine, made by Elon Musk.
Real convincing Dad. Thanks for making an Atheist at 4.
This is my impersonation of Ziggy Marley being interviewed by High Times, magazine. Ziggy, your father Bob Marley had 7 kids. But I thought ganja drained your life blaster dry. Ziggy says, “Fake news man.”
You know CNN is in trouble when even your baby boomer resistor father tells you he only watches it for fiance news. Yeah dad, and I only watch Real Time with Bill Maher for my Bible Study Group.
I gave up drinking beer last summer because it was humiliating, spending so much time hungover, recycling, empty reminders of my lushyness, as entire Rocky Marathons on AMC passed me by.
My wife works as a nurse at night in the intensive care nursery, checking blue faced babies for vital signs. This makes me feel a total narcissist because all I check for is for retweets.
Whenever I’m out in public with just my 3 kids, because my nurse wife worked all night before, I get, “You’ve got your hands full.” And I’ll say, if my 2 books, Controlling My Kids With Comedy and Do It All Dad Does Jokes, become best sellers already and secure me a Literary Agent in the process, resulting in my wife agreeing to an open marriage with Katy Perry, then my hands will be full.
I call my wife the Boob Doctor because she’s also a lactation consultant. Plus, all our 3 of our kids are beneficiaries of they call, Attachment Parenting, which is turning your bed into 24/7 open milk bar for the foreseeable future.
Although breast feeding your kids does wonders for their complexion. All the other formula babies are pasty and gross, looking like they all took a load to the face with an Elmer’s Glue Gun.
Deplorable is anyone whose glad Jussie Smollet took a shot.
How does a member of ANTIFA celebrate Mother’s Day? Take out the trash for once and move out of the house for good.
I thought Bernie Sanders and Lord Mayor Bloomberg would’ve won the democratic nomination in 2016. So much for 2016 being the year for Atheist Jews.
They should change the name of Vermont from the Green State to CBD oil only. Bernie Sanders couldn’t even make Vermont great for pot heads on vacation.
I love my new Trump voiced GPS system. On your left is Talking Stick Casino, Elizabeth Warren’s home away from home.
Trump has ties to Russia. Duh, most mail order bride owners do.
I love Trump’s relentless optimism and over the top salesmanship.
If he was diagnosed with HIV tonight, he’d the tweet the next morning.
Do I have HIV yes? But my T-Cell Count numbers have never been stronger.
Hillary Hammer Time Cankles, says Trump’s is obsessed with her presidency because he’s an illegitimate President.
I thought Hillary Hammer Time Cankles lost twice at becoming President because she’s an unhuggable cunt, alcoholic deplorable, who failed to sell 64 million branded racists on why Baby Boomer Mom doesn’t know best. Proving Baby Boomer arrogance never dies, my bad.
The beauty of having kids is they’ll point out when you’re being a slacker and not even close to being a do it all dad at all.
Daddy, why didn’t you go on the tread mill today?
Daddy, restrained his calf muscle on it.
Son fires back with.
Enough with the excuses Daddy.
You’re worse than Hillary.