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Talent Is Never Ambiguous

I was blown away by my 5 year old’s sons Pre-K art show display. His drawings were so exacting. I never felt like such an all over the place Jew.

Dads make better cheerleaders than moms.

At my son’s art show, random dads I never met, emoted about my son’s art work over their own kids creations.

“Arthur’s got talent. And I think Monet’s overuse of pastels is overrated.”

Real art woos.

It compels random, blue collar dads, in my son’s pre-K to jerk off my son’s Monet recreations out of the blue.

“Arthur’s got talent.”

I reply.

“Thank you. My Jim Morrison black light poster in my freshman dorm room never felt more out of fashion.”

Talent is never ambiguous.

It’s clear as forced applause breaks on Late Night with Seth Meyers.

If I’m not scared of Trump.

I’m not into pleasing my mother like Seth Meyers.

His show is a participation trophy from SNL.

On the phone with mom.

I can’t wait to discuss Arthur’s favorite art show creations.

Too bad you couldn’t ask him in person in real time.

But you spoke to the owner of Kid’s Cottage about his speech issues.

But his talent isn’t ambiguous.

You had to mention his speech problems over the phone now mom.

Your timing is 1st year open mike bad.

Who cares if you’re a misunderstood artist off the canvas in person at 5 years old? Also, ever consider Speech Pathologist, you can’t keep up with my son’s motor mouth mind? A real artist like Dennis Hopper understands, man.

Nothing breaks my heart more than learning my son had nobody to play with during recess. Because nobody wanted to play Ninja with him. If his buds were only exposed to Storm Shadow from GI Joe instead of the
sychronized Power Ranger dancers.

INT. PRE-K ART SHOW
Stay At Home Comedian
Your apple is too pretty to eat.
Daughter
But daddy, you don’t even like apples.
Stay At Home Comedian
In other words, feeling less talented than your baby brother bites?

It’s hard to feel like a bust as a dad. When your 5 year old boy beams with pride at his 1st art show exhibit. Knowing, he’s made his big sister crazy with jealousy yet she does her best not to show it. Welcome to the art club, my perfect boy. You were born to shine.

Calling my parents Arizona Estate home.

Dad picks up, groggy.

What?

Was calling to emote about Arthur’s art show.

Let me guess. It’s too early to be hailing him as a creative genius just yet.

INT. HOME
Stay At Home Comedian
I got these Ninja figures at the book shop.
Now, you’ll always have somebody to play ninjas with.
Son
I meant the hide and go seek game.
Stay At Home Comedian
Artists do symbolism dude.

The End

By

Michael Kornbluth

Get Out Of My Life

5 Year Old Son
Where’s mama?
It’s taking 1 million decades.
Do you want daddy to read you a story?
Get out of my life already.
Mama’s dead.

2 Year Old Son walks down the street in his fleece with 2 hands in his pockets, chiller than Matt Damon in the Outsiders with his shirt on.

Stay at Home Dads are welfare mothers in hoodies. I wear a polo one. According to CNN, I’m an elitist White Supremacist. I only listen to Kayne West duets with Paul McCartney.

Crazy, Good, Dada
Pilot
(V.0)
Picture a family cooking show for dads if Jim Gaffigan was Jewish and only had 3 kids. We’re The Pescatarain Comedians.

Crazy, Good, Dada

Pilot

Do It All Dad
(V.O)
I want to get paid to hang out with my 3 kids.
Is this love or co-dependence times 3?
Time to find out World Wide Web. Give it up for my prop comedian family, The Pescatarian Comedians. Food history served bit by bit.

 

The Pescatarian Comedians Pilot Younger Brother The world doesn’t revolve around your kids. Stay At Home Comedian Our Bad Boy Soy Boy sketch got 2 million views last week alone. According to Youtube it does.

 

INT. DELI Old School Italian

I tried to invent an apple sauce dispenser so I could get paid to hang out more with my kids .

Stay At Home Comedian

Our kids are superior company than most, especially when mommy keeps busy.
INT. DELI Old School Italian I tried to invent an apple sauce dispenser so I could get paid to hang out with my children more.

Stay At Home Comedian

I bet your shoulders don’t collapse when your son hugs you on his birthday.

INT. HOME

Wife

A Kiss shirt? You’re not in High School anymore.

Stay At Home comedian

Don’t act like you’re so tight fitting anymore.

 

INT. HOME
Daughter
Why does Shannon call the MAGA hat racist?
Stay At Home Comedian
Because her mom only gets her news from Telemundo.

INT. KIDS U
Playing with my kid. Another kid by himself, tags along.
Do It All Dad
I got 3 kids little man.
I’ve only got some much new kid love allocation to spare.
Here’s a card. Tell your dad to review my podcast on Itunes & will talk.

MAGA Hats have become a symbol of White Nationalism? Then, why does Kayne West rock it? Do White Nationalists even fancy, high end, porcupine Persian puss? Also, name another white nationalist invited to Kayne’s sermons on God in Calabasas? I’m still waiting.

The MAGA hat is a symbol of white nationalists. I thought it was for time for real life profitable change. MAGA hat is a symbol of white nationalists. That’s what CNN hopes to shame 64 million branded racists who voted for Trump into thinking. Jussie Smollett claiming complete innocence or not.

Candace Owens unedited.
No offense Mr. Leiu but Obama is the one who loves Hitler. Obama wishes he was that organized. Mass extermination of his Zionist critics would be a gas, whether it’s through slipping them Fentanyl into their soup or not.

INT. OFFICE
HR
How will you handle commuting to the city after 3 years?
Stay At Home Comedian
After looking after 3 kids 2 summers in a row with no AC, the commute on MetroNorth will feel like a 5 week rave in Germany, actually.

Memo to Craig Carton:
Doing time as a stay at home comedian with limited congenial visits since our 3rd kid has turned our bed into an after hours open milk bar has made me a better on air personality host also. I’ll bet you on it, double or nothing.

 

Awkward Classic Rock DJ Moment
That was Love Hurts. Ah, Kleinfeld only got to 1st base with a buck toothed 6 by Texas hottie standards in Dazed and Confused. I’m still Large Larry for a reason. That hurts.

The End

By,

Michael Kornbluth

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Pescatarian Comedians

My daughter upstaging me as usual, addressing her younger brother.
“You’ll never know anything I don’t know because I’m older than you.”

My daughter not dealing well with hard genetic science.
Daddy, what if I’m 1 percent black? You’d sing with improved soul and attack the rim with higher hopper authority. Daughter replies. Kill yourself, daddy, kill yourself.

Michael Jackson’s less harmful legacy.
Ruining Weird Al children books with my kids.
Daddy, can we watch the Fat video again?
The animated feeling has lost it’s loving feeling, sorry kids.
I’m sick to my stomach, you know it.

Int. Car
Stay At Home Comedian
Did you just call Jane or did she call you?
Younger Brother
I called her. She’s my fiance.
Stay At Home Comedian
2nd in 2 years. Still, feels excessive.
But fine, her presence is impossible to live without.

Int. Sushi Restaurant
Younger Brother
What about Charlottesville?
Stay At Home Comedian
Will have zero impact on Ivanka becoming the 1st Jewish, woman US president in 2024. I agree. Let’s see what a proud converter Jew feminist mom is then.

Int. Sushi Restaurant
Younger Brother
What about Charlottesville?
Stay At Home Comedian
There were peaceful protesters present along with ANTIFA & the bussed in screenshot of KKK extras from central castings in polo shirts and tiki torches.

Obama’s former aide contacted Chicago PD about having his FBI loyalists take over the Jussie Smollet case. How beloved is Obama in his sweet home Chicago? When he get’s a royal f you from the Chicago PD instead. John Hughes beloved, he’s not.

Every Trump fight instigated by the resistors resistance to factual based reality ends with, I can refute 5 of your facts with 10 more. At this point, just save your breath and utter Ivanka 2024, 1st Jewish, woman US president. You’re welcome.

 

Int. Sushi Restaurant
Younger Brother
What about Charlottesville?
Stay At Home Comedian
It wasn’t only a white supremacist rally.
It was also a monument to fake news appeasing ANTIFA led violence against Trump supporters and MAGA hats moron.

Brother
What about Charlottesville?
Stay At Home Comedian
Robert E. Lee called slavery a moral political evil. And Trump electrician supporters aren’t dismantling Airport TV’s paid to play CNN’s staged hate crimes to trigger a new civil war.

Arizona Police Feds seized 45,000 Fentanyl pills in 2 operations.
It wasn’t the spring cleaning Obama was hoping for.

Omar’s an easy target because she’s a black Muslim. I thought it was because she converted to Judaism like Ivanka being such a moderate, progressive minded voice of Islam in the House of Representatives, my bad.

Int. Sushi Restaurant
Younger Brother
What about Charlottesville?
Stay At Home Comedian
The monument being taken down wasn’t of Al Sharpton. And he forced a black girl to lie about being raped by a NYPD officer. But now you’re a Spike Lee fan?

Baby Face Omar is an easy target because she’s a black Muslim. But Obama avoided any hard questions about his faith and he’s way prettier. His Farsi dialect doesn’t sound blood thirsty gruff either. You want to talk one of the prettiest sounds on earth.

Border Wall supporters follow the white supremacy agenda? But the Klan would attempt to chase down Jesse Owens, not Speedy Gonzalez. Also, the Klan never feared their woman speeding into Speedy’s arms if given the chance, just saying.

Memo to Stephen Colbert:
What Trump is doing to the nation is horrible? What you’ve done to the state of American comedy is the real travesty dude. But taking pictures with John Podesta is a great look twerp. Sure you got nothing to hide but being funny anymore.

Trump emboldens white Nationalists Tim Kaine? How would you know? Does your son’s Crystal Meth dealer follow POTUS on Twitter? And since when are white nationalists cool with Jewish grandchildren populating the White House, on Bank Holidays? Just curious Tiny Tim.

What the left has become blows. I hate JK Rowling but who cares if she outed any fictional freak figures of her creation. Stop being so you know what about it.

I retrieve a nifty Nerf football down a high mountain with my 2 kids. Wife looks down on me holding baby with disgust.

Do It All Dad
What, I’m teaching my kids the importance of not throwing away money?
Wife
Then, why don’t you have life insurance yet?

Ext. Mountain Hike-NY
Daughter
Mimi acts like us moving to Arizona is convenient for us but it’s really just more convenient for them. Plus, they hate you Dada for supporting Trump. So you shouldn’t give them the satisfaction.

When it rains in Scottsdale, Arizona it looks like a wet pile of rocks.

Brother
The world doesn’t revolve around you kids.
Stay At Home Comedian
Mine does, so they don’t end up like you.
But playing the victim of addiction for 2 decades. Who can’t stop being a lying, scumbag has done wonders for your imagination so far.

 

INT. Sushi Restaurant
Younger Brother
ANTIFA aren’t domestic terrorists.
I watch Vice and Bill Maher.
Stay At Home Comedian
They fire bomb buildings in Berkeley because big bad, Ben Shapiro came to town for a speech on 2nd amendment rights.

Int. Car
Younger Brother
My coke dealer who only sells me adderall
now wants to meet you.
Stay At Home Comedian
Does he check in with you more than I do?
Also, am I supposed to be excited about coming face to face with your white angel of death?

Anyone who says I’m friends with Trump lovers means they don’t love you if you love Trump to. You have boys who love Trump dude? And you’re cool with it. Despite turning Albino white when I called ANTIFA domestic terrorists, you mush brained mook.

Int. Car

Brother
The world doesn’t revolve around you kids.
Mom and dad had 2 kids and both worked.
Stay At Home Comedian
I played alone with GI Joe figures till age 16.
And you were shipped off to boarding school at 15. Mr. Rogers, watch out.

 

I love it when younger, dressed up girls do selfies across the train from me on their way to White Plains, NY for St. Patricks Day . It means my ring is making them green with envy. And I no longer feel so excessively Jewish around House of Pain.

 

Int. Home
Wife
Don’t expect me to do cartwheels over your latest and greatest genius idea.
Any money for you to produce now would be nice.
Stay At Home Comedian
I can’t wait to see how excited you’re for me when I start booking gigs at Country Clubs in Connecticut.

Judge Jeanine’s gone hard at the vermin for trying to derail the Trump Train bound for glory from the start. But she can’t say Sharia Law on TV? What’s upheld in Europe right now? Besides no go zones being safe spaces for Palestinian freedom fighters.

 

Ext. Mobil
Younger Brother
You need weed to hang out with me?
Stay At Home Comedian
I’m not here to jerk off your Facebook posts about banning all guns or show interest in how you listen to Crosby Stills to minimize hate in your life now.

 

Brother
What about Charlottesville?
Stay At Home Comedian
They were good, God loving peaceful white protesters in attendance, protesting the taking down of the Robert E. Lee statue. He called slavery a moral evil like the UN, Rape Wood, John Podesta’s email chains, etc.

I cried at least twice when I saw the footage of President Trump sign his veto for his national declaration act. The Angel moms are so strong. The love and respect in the oval office at this moment was so palpable. Finally, felt a change is going come Mr. Sam Cooke.

INT. CAR-MOBIL GAS STATION
Younger Brother
You need weed to hang out with me?
Stay At Home Comedian
I just bought you a piece and about to score you a huge bag for not much, so you can feel like a big shot again. Mom reminds me how important this for you.

Brother
You never check in on me. I lost my job. Why try anymore?
The world doesn’t revolve around your kids.
Stay At Home Comedian
Your shitty Pete Davidson impersonation isn’t moving me one 1 bit. Is the 2 Instagram followers worth it?

Int. Home
Stay At Home Comedian
Doesn’t your maternal instinct always want to hear, mama, mama? Because this way you’re always able to feel appreciated and needed? Granted, they could be crying mama because you don’t love them as well as I do.

Int. Home
Wife
Don’t expect me to cartwheels over your genius idea.
Stay At Home Comedian
Thanks for the final nudge to write my pilot for Crazy, Good, Dada about our family friendly, food sketch comedy show, The Pescatarian Comedians.

The End

By,

Michael Kornbluth

 

 

BE FUNNIER THAN WEIRD AL BY CHRISTMAS

Daddy, what’s confidence? Telling doubt, see ya, wouldn’t want to be yah. Or as Axl Rose sings in Mr. Brownstone, Worryin’s a waste of my time. And I’m not Heavy Metal’s answer to Richard Lewis.

Nationalist is a loaded word. The N bomb is a load word. ANTFA lives matter is an oxymoron.
Starting shit with my mother in law part 1
Enough with grace in our home Rosa.
None of my children including myself believe Jesus was the real Messiah. If so God would’ve started a Kickstarter campaign to pay for our moving costs to Israel already.

Starting shit with my mother in law part 2
Don’t force my kids to say Grace unless black Jesus Haile Selassie is included. He’s God incarnate, direct descent of David. His body disappeared to, just saying. You better recognize.

Starting shit with my mother in law part 3
Don’t force my kids to say Grace.
I love me some Jesus but don’t believe he’s the Messiah. Fake news Nazi smears, ANTIFA & CNN suing the White House doesn’t feel like the age of messianic peace within me.

Motley Crue ranks as the best brawling band ever because of the long reach of Tommy Lee and Nikki Sixx alone. The Allman Brothers had black bassist Berry Oakley but Dwayne Allman is getting his ass whipped easy and looked like he was dying to begin with.

Yelling at my daughter is like yelling at the Grateful Dead for opening up with St. Stephen because Jon Mayer looks prettier than Trey playing it obviously.

How do you hate the movie Rudy? Dare I quote Ike on Veterans Day? “It’s not size of the dog in the fight, it’s the size of the fight in the dog.” F the underdog Rudy. Spoken like the last Jeb Bush fan on earth.

But really how do you hate the movie Rudy? That’s like hating Eric Stoltz for hooking up with Laura Dern in Mask or hating Lupus for snagging a grab in Bad News Bears.
Or hating Daniel Day’s Lewis’ club left foot.

Louie CK is right. Most kids can be annoying assholes. Mine are fuss free. But hipster husband talk of white nationalists turning America into an Aryan nation despite no Edward Norton, American History X knockoffs gracing the Oval Office is so tolerable.

Met Stan Lee in Beverly Hills. Told him, I loved him in Mallrats. Jagger and me, we had a running contest, last time I looked I was way ahead. What an inspired writer life he lived. Goodbye sweet prince of boyhood wonder and creatively jacked good guy delight.

Int. Home
Wife
You went to the new Stop & Shop in Mahopac?
Stay At Home Comedian Dad
I’ve seen more sure footed tourists in Times Square.
I hear. Can you direct me to the canned goods and frozen food sections please? Yikes!

Racist Case Against Trump
He called the White Nationalist Protesters in Charlottesville, nice people. Did Trump name names & give shouts out to Schillinger from OZ and his kids Screaming Nazi and Hail Jager Goldschlager?

#FacebookDown was down on Monday but Farrakhan’s page was still up. Zit Face Zuck must label his anti-Jew tirades as fake news hate speech or inspired filler for Spike Lee’s new joint.

Michelle Obama says Melania never reached out to ask her advice on being 1st lady. Like Melania planned on rocking the Kwanza themed decorations for Christmas. Or had to rely on Michelle for Fashion tips once Fashion Police got terminated.

Michelle Obama says Melania never reached out to ask her advice on being 1st lady. I’m sure her perpetual, bitchy scowl during Trump’s inauguration had nothing to do with it. Or how Michelle didn’t bother doing her hair according to my barber.

Michelle Obama says Melania never reached out to ask her advice on being 1st lady. Or inquire about Beyonce’s secret Lemonade recipe. Produce a documentary on yourself for Netflix already called “Ungracious 1st Lady.”

Michelle Obama says Melania never reached out to ask her advice on being 1st lady. Last time I checked, Barron isn’t the one passing out at Lollapalooza on more than just Fun Dip. Nor is he interning for Miramax either.

Michelle Obama says Melania never reached out to ask her advice on being 1st lady. On what, how to strip the Oval Office of all high class prestige but letting it all hang out on Ellen? In white slacks after Labor Day to top it off.

Bud
How about Melo?
Stay At Home Comedian Dad
Contrary to popular belief, I think he’s a poor excuse for a leader.
Who failed to live up to hype like Obama on Cheeseburgers.

Long Island City is so hot now because Amazon’s coming to town. No, it’s not. It’s still Queens. Compared to Manhattan and Brooklyn, Queens is still the sloppy 3rd Kardashian sister. Whose easy to pound at 3 in the morning like a lamb gyro in Astoria.

With Amazon moving to town, the 7 line will be tighter than Nas Ilmatic, represent, represent, represent.

INT. Car
Son
Be funnier than Weird AL by Christmas Dada. Or I’m killing you with our sharpest knife for real.
Stay At Home Dad
I better get sharper by writing funnier jokes then.

INT. Car
Son
Be funnier than Weird AL by Christmas Dada. Or I’m killing you with our sharpest knife for real.
Stay At Home Dad
How did you get so tough?
Son
My daddy’s a killer comedian.

INT. Car
Son
Be funnier than Weird AL by Christmas Dada. Or I’m killing you with our sharpest knife for real.
Stay At Home Dad
I’ll go for the jugular kid.
Forward force all the way.

INT. Car
Son
Be funnier than Weird AL by Christmas Dada. Or I’m killing you with our sharpest knife for real.
Daughter
Kill or be killed by political correctness Dada.
Don’t make Obama’s legacy the death of comedy to.

THE END

By,

Michael Kornbluth

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Fake News Happy For Me

Fake news is an expression now. Actually, it’s a fact based, truth enshrouded reality.

Ban ICE. Because caring about Homeland Security was so weapons of mass destruction years.

Friendly reminder, Baby Face Omar described 911 as “something happened.” Like it was a forgettable Edward Albee play off Broadway.

I hear they’re doing a remake of Three’s Company based on the bomb squad Freshman congressman called, Allah’s Avenging Angels. Because they’re are all virgins I’m assuming, except for AOC cranked up on high grade coke in college.

I’m happy for you means I’m all out of manufactured pleasantness in your honor.

I’m happy for you means your dad’s shoulders collapse in shame when you hug your dad for a reason.

I’m happy for you means you lucky, unworthy, spoiled piece of shit.

I’m happy for you means mom and dad are making your younger brother feel like the unintended, unwanted defect again.

I’m happy for you means your dad is fake news Bob Dylan deep.

I’m happy for you means you’re an idiot for thinking our relationship is a shining example of love supreme.

I’m happy for you means you fail the friendship litmus test.

I’m happy for you means they don’t think you deserve anything that’s jealous inducing for them.

I’m happy for you means not really.

I’m happy for you means your mom is rudderless without Snoopy giving you less generic lip service.

David Crosby, you know Garfield in the yard, having to follow Neil Young used to be so hard. Thinks Trump has no restraint. But Trump’s never drank, smoke or did coke when it was free liver spots. Baby Boomer arrogance never dies because of you.

What does USA captain Megan Rapino tell a lesbian Trump supporter at the Cubby Hole bar in the West Village?

I wouldn’t lick Ivanka clean with toilet water from detention camps if Michelle Obama was guaranteed victory in 2020.

Trump stokes white nationalism.
Was the Klan under their sheets depressed for 8 years when Obama was president? Do Popes normalize pedophilia decade after decade? Still, make Nazi Germany great again wasn’t his campaign slogan Judd Apatow.

All the media has done for 3 years is divide. How is this division problem Trump’s fault exactly? Did he write a golden shower fantasy tale to give Obama loyalists the right to spy on his campaign for opposition, German porn research?

Hillary on Megan Rapinoe as Secretary of State.

What difference does it make? I’m getting booed at Billy Joel shows at the Garden. At least backstage Stevie Nicks flirts with me and says “Tell me lies, tell me sweet little lies.”

It’s hard to feel like a distinguished self-published author on Amazon knowing that Jeff Bezos profits from books such as The Jew as World Parasite. But I’m sure you’re new main squeeze loves you for your unbiased dirt rag Jeff.

Trump haters love to anoint themselves as the more respectful party yet they’re the ones who’ve ruined the old world charm of the NBA, NFL, Hollywood, rock & roll and all forms of gatherings with friends and family for 3 years straight.

Do I think everyone should be created equal? No, I don’t, especially anyone who thinks ANTIFA is on the side of right. Because you want white boys on crystal meth cracking Trump supporters heads on your behalf, you dumb ass crackers.

My parents are fake news hippies because they’ve lived in Arizona for 8 years as self-satisfied, smug east coast retirees, Bob Dylan evangelists and not once been to the Grand Canyon. Drinking warm chard before it cools is strike 2 against you mom, no offense. Instructing the DJ to stop playing the Star Spangled Banner by Jimi Hendrix at my wedding to close out the night during my wedding party in a beautiful sculpture garden outside of Woodstock is strike three against you Dad.

INT. Car
Wife
When you were in Vegas I got the kids in bed early every night.
Do It All Dad
But your parents were here for 2 out of those 3 nights. And your mom’s boring by English banker on holiday standards.

INT.KOHLS
Worker
At weddings you’re supposed to sit on the side of immediate family.
Do It All Dad
So my mom and dad seating themselves on the bride’s side means they only care about family separation for illegal aliens.

Michael Kornbluth

The Racist Word

USA Team captain, Megan Rapinoe could run for office?

What would her campaign slogan be?
Bring back the L word to Netflix Obama. You’re are only hope.
Drag Queen library reading hour can make Bette Midler great again. Before she based her world view on Unibrow Maddow.
Free sashimi lunches for Olympic hopeful muff divers.
Make Sarah Silverman funny again.
Pussy riot safe spaces when Ivanka becomes the 1st female Jewess president in 2024.

 

At the supermarket I get 2 tall boys of Throwback Pinner IPA’s because they were 2 for 5 among other reasons. Checking out I say to the grocery clerk. You don’t know what a pinner means because you were born with a vape pen in your mouth.

Deblasio’s wife was a lesbian before they got married. But were supposed to believe Garlic Breath converted her? He eats pizza with a fork and knife. But burying his beak into her slippery snatch is a plausible theory to digest.

Bill and Hillary Hammer Time Cankles got booed at Billy Joel during his MSG show. Because in his eighties prime Billy Joel’s biggest hits were considered lullaby music for Republicans by our Jack Black nation.

The birthrate in NY is at an all time low. Lena Dunham’s frumpy, quadruple rollage look getting a ridiculous amount of encouraged love on Instagram isn’t helping. Also, foodie hipsters are porked out already from meat sweats.

The birthrate in NY is also at an all time low because you never hear any Taylor Swift songs about guys who pass out mid thrust inside her Tootsie Pop treat because Millennial Mouseketeers don’t drink.

If Michael Jackson were alive today, what would his defense be? Beatles royalty points can’t buy me love.

My 1st parenting stance was only exposing my daughter to Woody Allen films which came out pre-Soon Yi. And only playing Michael Jackson songs from the Jackson 5, so my pedo star ban stance is more black and white.

I wonder if Dave Chappelle feels like a less sanctimonious twat for jerking off the genius of #RKelly in his Netflix special. While also using the Emmitt Till story to fabricate more fake news bullshit racist charges against Obama’s better half.

If President Trump doesn’t grant political asylum to Tommy Robinson, I don’t see him doing to dick to prevent big tech from silencing voices highlighting what the rape enablement party has become, sorry.

Bonding with the locals at Harvest Moon Cider bar.
Here’s some primo weed. I like to prove not all Jews are greedy, demonic scumbags like Bernie Madoff. Oh, I dropped a quarter. I’m not going to slip my vertebrae for it, thanks.

Oh, so you’re a comedian, that makes sense. For a moment, I thought you were just on really good coke. And was a greedy heeb for not once offering me any, my bad.

Met a hippie musician who used to bang a girl who danced in a cage for Kid Rock shows. She was so enrapturing she almost ripped his life shooter out of it’s socket. She dumped him. Moral of the story is Kid Rock cage dancers can break your heart.

INT. HIGH SCHOOL
Do It All Dad
Volley Ball trophies, division 1, not bad.
You know Samuel, Daddy lived in Hermosa Beach for a bit. Sand scattered hard body navels abounded.

Janitor passes by and laughs long time.

Pelosi isn’t a racist because she claims her grandson sees only pinata colors in the heart of the barrio holmes.

Russian bots pushed fake news fro Kaepernick to take a knee. I thought Michelle Obama pushed him down in that direction, with her never been proud to be an American bullshit until her husband let ISIS run wild and usher in 2.9 GDP growth.

Michael Kornbluth

Vegas HBO Special Dreaming

I think it’s great you’re still doing comedy at your age means they don’t like funny Jews for real.

You’d rather have W as President over Trump? I don’t see Trump freeze up after learning the World Trade Center was hit because he felt like a sucker puppet pawn bitch of the deep state, you deplorable east coast townie hick.

Seinfeld just auctioned off some Porsches for charity. I hope half of those proceeds went to Larry’s kids. Can I get a holla? For some A list, yenta breath dumpage, Challah.

New Yorkers are having less babies than ever, especially in Brooklyn. Fat hipsters are pulling out early from meat sweats.

INT. Jet Blue

Model

On Adderall I feel like I can do everything.

Do It All Dad

Then why haven’t you tried to make me cum with ferocious eye fucking intensity like Jenna Jameson with your cloths on yet? Focus and crank up the dosage already.

INT. HIPSTER BAR-VAN NUYS, CA

Do It All Dad

You don’t see a Pear Saison every day. And this one doesn’t taste like sour vase water either.

INT. PALAZZO-VEGAS

Marc Cuban walks solo in my direction on the casino floor.

Do It All Dad

Congrats on snagging KP for a box of Cotton Candy Cuban. Uni will fly again.

Marc Cuban laughs long time.

Aerosmith in Vegas was perfection. Sweet Emotion, Rag Doll, Chip Away At The Stone, Rag Doll, Toys In The Attic, Dream On of course, even Angel on the piano for a bit. And Joe Perry made Slash sound heavily formulaic in comparison.

Similar to seeing any Dead show or Roger Waters at the MSG doing the Wall before becoming Linda Sarsour’s go to fluffer to secrete slimier, hate spewage on CNN. It was impossible not to sing the entirety of lyrics for most of the Aeorsmith songs in Vegas baby.

My old LA bud invites our Marquee bottle service waitress to see Aerosmith which makes my presence feel depreciated like Hillary, the 1st time Bill brought home Paula Jones after giving a speech on saving the Aardvarks.

I screened a random sliz my friend invited to see Aerosmith at the last sec. Big Aerosmith fan huh? Whose six pack woud you rather do bumps on Perry or Tyler? She says. Hard choice. I say. Fine you pass. At least, you didn’t say Meatloaf.

I saw Allan Houston at the Wynn in town for the NBA summer league. Dolan must have given him tenure because he looked chiller than Eddie Griffin in his trailer on 420 sipping banana Daiquiri’s on the set of Deuce Bigalow 2.

INT. JFK BAR

Random Girl

My father would love your podcast. He’s retired in Fort Myers, Florida and bored out of his mind.

Do It All Dad

My podcasts are more frequent and tad less self-referential than Trump rallies.

Old bud annoying me again. Reminding me why he stayed out my life as long as he did.

So pumped you got on stage. I need to grow a pair again.

No, you need to get better at writing jokes and detecting passive aggressive, cloaked backhanded compliments.

Actually, I did more than just go on stage and bare my best gems from the past 3 years. I actually scored laughs and freedom of speech celebrating coolness cred from real deal hippy Dead Head musician hippies man.

22 U.N countries condemn China for its Muslim concentration camps. AOC wasn’t invited for the grand tour. I don’t think Amir has the balls to ask for Halal only meals. And I still don’t think the Chinese give a shit about proper teeth care. Most of the communist leaders of China look better with air masks on than off.

Apple co-founder urges all to delete their Facebook account because Facebook sold your private info to Cambridge Analytica. God forbid, the Trump campaign use that info to garget ads based on Toby Keith playlists likes and shares.

INT. JET BLUE

Model

Are you a Trump supporter?

Do It All Dad

Yes, but you’ve enjoyed my playful banter such as me insisting my wife drove my neck into your Volley Ball strong hands by never offering me a ride to the airport.

INT. BAR-JFK

Do It All Dad

Why didn’t the bartender think I was with you scrumptious sisters? He didn’t ask for my drink order because I’m white privilege incarnate, whose always been 1st in line for everything.

Scrumptious sisters laugh long time.

Bill Maher ripped Bill Clinton for visiting Lolita Island 22 times in the past.

Bill’s production company is called Kid Love Productions.

He has to care about the kids. It’s his company’s mission statement of proclamation for Christ sake.

Least sexiest sentence in the English language.
Twitter’s algorithm’s are preventing Bill Mitchell’s tweets from being read.

You mean the ones about how Jeff Sessions was a White Walker instead of being an overrated hick?

A stay at home dad from Kansas was invited to the White House for a conservative summit. But only accepted the invite if his identity was concealed because he feared retaliation from his family.

ANTIFA’s in Kansas now? We’re so screwed, Toto.

Delete your Facebook account. Doesn’t your privacy matter to you anymore Yes, that’s why I defriended my parents on Facebook. Not that I post on Facebook anymore but it’s my intention to block them from a front row seats of their grandchildren playing without them that counts.

Whenever I see Ben Shapiro trending on Twitter, I want to puke up uncooked Matzo meal. Did Ben not get invited to the White House for Trump’s conservative Social Media summit? Because the Jewish Tucker minus the preppy ties is overkill.

I hate the expression Conservative Social Media Personalities. None of them have one. Bill Mitchell couldn’t score a dandruff commercial in 86. Candace Owens is very factual. She’s a more colorful alternative to Charlie Kirk but not really.

 

Conservative social media personalities were invited to the White House today to discuss big tech censorship. Are they allowed to admit how much more sophisticated and funnier they felt about themselves after reading Milo’s rushed, laugh free, fake news deep book?

I hate indifferent Roulette spinners in Vegas.

I’m obviously losing only on my kids birthdays again and again.

I’d welcome any negative spin over the humorless mute act.

Look like your kids were born under unlucky signs.

INT. JET BLUE

PILOT

The door turns into a raft.

Do It All Dad

I picked the right day, to quit collecting Marlboro miles.

I hate woman who think they can just grab your bottle of Grey Goose. Which your friend drops 3 grand on for bottle service at the club, just for the alleged, turn on of his crew being in sniffing distance of such classy, fine tail.

Waiting on line at Starbucks is like waiting on burn out pretension in a cup. After you’ve assumed control of your speed addiction, money and time at home using Nespresso pods and a French Press instead.

Best compliment in Vegas.

When you do your HBO special in Vegas.

Now, that’s a compliment, a very giving one, from a one time divorced, Jewish realtor from the valley no less. I’ll take it. Love you back to dude.

 

Michael Kornbluth

American Pie Beauties

I’ve got 3 kids. I’ve aged well I know, since my TV debut on the reality TV show Blind Date. All I got out of the show a was free meal and herpes.

INT. BARNES AND NOBLE
Do It All Dad
They made the Mueller Report into a book? Like Chinese Democracy by Axl Rose, he took forever to write it. Plus, both releases ended in blue balls for Rob Reiner.

Me summarizing the Declaration of Independence for my kids.

It was America’s more stately way of telling Mother England to choke on a scone. Insisting Thomas Jefferson wasn’t staying loyal to the Queen or into mole infested fever. Moving forward, America would only pledge Greek fraternities on US college campuses for easier access to high grade American Pie.

Michelle Obama is doing films for Netflix now? What’s her 1st project, a Tina Turner film remake about herself retitled, What’s Talent Got To Do With It?

If a Baby Boomer lifts a finger, it’s liking a pic of their grandchildren on Facebook. Or my mother in law using Emoji’s to overcompensate for her colorless personality on top of being a retarded emotional expressionist.

INT. HOME
Wife
I’m just exhausted.
Do It All Dad
I thought you were just depressed at how much fun the 3 kids and I had today without you. Funnier dad happier babies. Our fuss free kids for the most part are living proof of it.

Michael Kornbluth

Busting British Balls

The U.S is just OK New York Times?

Actually, it’s horrific knowing scumbag propagandist dirt rags like the NY Times receive a Pulitzer for reporting on Harvey Hair Clumps Weinstein 2 decades after the fact. You’re less than shit, not America baby, USA, USA.

Kal Penn’s Sunnyside may be NBC’s best hope for the fall in 2019. Will Delbasio make affordable housing in Sunnyside available for ANTIFA? Does he provide immunity from aggravated assault by issuing a stand down, restraining order against the NYPD?

Facebook is reconsidering nudity. I thought James L Brooks was in desperate need of attention.

What did woman attending Gwyenth Paltrow’s wellness summit, think they’d get out of it? Vaginal health tips, such as refraining from bare backing with Ben Affleck, free samples of Guava Goop Mist for funky snatches in need of a rejuvenated expungement. What’s the advertising slogan for Guava Goop Mist? Your air of superiority awaits you.

My new move now whenever I score a laugh from my children in front of my stuck up English mother in law, is to impersonate me drinking imaginary tea. My father in law wore a Man City shirt to our house for the 4th last year, so he can fuck his hurt feelings to.

Memo to Piers Morgan:
Alex Morgan’s celebration was distasteful?
Did she act out tea bagging an albino stiff? Who made Larry King come off as a mesmerizing pair of suspenders with good posture for a change.

 

Google doesn’t manipulate search results? I google my name and a lawyer humorist receives top billing over me. I’ve written 2 books, for TV twice, done 220 blogs 114 podcasts, 17 articles on GMP. 5000 plus contacts on LinkedIN. But he’s more popular. Got it.

I named my son Arthur Morrison Kornbluth just so my dad can say. Morrison isn’t Jewish. Yeah, but it creates a flow to Kornbluth. Plus, Brooks as a middle name would’ve given my son the permission to be a Jewish pussy.

INT. HOME
Wife shows me a hiking pic.
Wife
Told you my new work hippie nurse friend was hot.
Do It All Dad
Her arms are jacked from either hiking or giving plenty hand jobs to her husband to take the edge off bad coke. Pretty sure, Hunter’s expenditures on hookers and strippers proves he can afford the good stuff.

Michael Kornbluth

Lena Dunham Country

Colin Kaepernick talked Nike out of releasing their Betsy Ross flag sneakers because the flag for him is connected to slavery despite him getting a million dollar sneaker endorsement deal for never having to lace up his Nike cleats on the gridiron ever again. Not that any NFL team owner was ever trying to force a meeting with Kaepernick in the first place. Nor do I recall any NFL owner ever insisting Kaepernick work for free as an intern for CNN as Linda Sarsour’s go to fluffer.

Another reason Obama ruined everything. We can’t celebrate Independence Day weekend to the fullest, knowing Nike bowed to Colin Kaepernick’s demand to pull their Betsy Ross themed shoe because they confused him for Obama with talent many ions ago.

How did Colin Kapernick amass enough leverage within the Nike corporation to cock block their new line of Betsy Ross sneakers? Is he on the board of directors now, a co-producer on anything Obama does for Netflix, threaten to out MJ as a Republican?

At what point does the CEO Nike decide? Fuck the Betsy Ross flag sneaker. Kaepernick connects the flag with slavery. And he’s

Generation Z’s answer to Cornell West. He’s only half black, so he has a bigger race card part to play.

What’s the new Nike campaign these days? Pledge your allegiance to ANTIFA. Just do what Soros wants. Knee Uncle Sam in the nuts, again and again.

Collin Kaepernick talked Nike out of releasing their Betsy Ross flag sneakers. Because bi-racial adopted NFL busts connect the flag with slavery despite being paid the biggest, unemployment check in NFL history.

This is James Dolan blaming AOC on scaring away Durant from Manhattan. She scared Amazon from Queens. Also, can we start blaming New York City’s loser, repellent culture on De Blasio instead of me for a change? I don’t incite race wars against cops. Charles Oakley doesn’t count.

Why did Durant choose to play in Lena Dunham country over Midtown East? Because Herald Square by the Garden is considered cheesy, old and decrepit like op-ed writers for the NY Times. Plus, it offers the cheapest, least sexy office spaces available for IT staffing agencies on a shoe string budget.

Memo to Stephen A. Now you pine for KP? Only when pipe cleaner arm bolted for Brooklyn to become the NBA’s voice for the millennial mouseketeer generation. Has Jay Z paid crack baby reparations yet? Lena Dunham country is so coy, hot right now.

Durant chose Lena Dunham country over the Madison Square Garden because Ed Burn’s cameo in Entourage didn’t inspire him the way Uni pulling the trigger from way downtown like a Japanese Anime cartoon come to life did.

Michael Kornbluth

Nikki Sixx’s Snowflake Side

Stop calling nationalist a loaded word. The N bomb is a loaded word. ANTIFA lives matter, is an oxymoron.

How does an ANTIFA Terrorist in Portland, Oregon celebrate Mother’s Day? Take out the trash for once. Meaning, move out of the house for good.

INT. HOME
DO It All Dad
A gay journalist was beat up by ANTIFA in Portland yesterday.
Wife
I don’t want to hear it.
Do It All Dad
But you love Portland. Too bad, it’s no longer Bill Walton’s Portland babe.

Happy Triggering Day Advice:
Ivanka this, Ivanka that, Ivanka 2024.
1st Jewish, female American President bitches. Let’s see what feckless, tolerant cunts you are now.

An actor in the new Star Wars says, limited job offers for Muslim actors increases the odds in them becoming terrorists. So ANTIFA would go away, if only Ari Gold could score them a SAG card for yelling Nazi in unison for that elusive film credit?

Nikki Sixx now identifies with being a snowflake, based on the Republican use of the word to describe resistor twitter twats. He threw Axl around like a rag doll according to Circus Magazine back in the day.

Michael Kornbluth

Carter & The Dali Lama Enter A Bar

Trump is an illegitimate president Carter? Did Drago appear in 64 million voting booths, demanding, “Vote Trump or I’ll break you?” Stick to sanding your Farsi Alphabet blocks for your grandchildren.

Why should I give a shit about Jimmy Carter’s opinion again? The Islamic Revolution happened on your watch just like Hillary creating ISIS. North Korea used to conduct nuclear stress tests because of you.

Dali Lama insists Trump lacks “moral principle.” Pope says wall will make America a “prisoner of isolation.”
No advice for Obama’s social justice docs on Netflix? Or are they just jealous of Trump’s bigger following on Twitter?

Dali Lama on BBC.

My female successor would have to be attractive like Sharon Stone with no makeup on.

BBC Journalist replies.

But Sharon Stone is the white devil.

It looks like you’re in a real Kun-nun-drum, your holiness.

Dali Lama with Richard Gere.

Stick with prayer beads if you must.

But try showing some backbone next time and resist the temptation of animal anal stuffage for moral principle’s sake.

William Barr’s investigation has to be wrapping up. If Jimmy Carter and the Dali Lama are throwing in their horseshit sense before shit really hits the fan. Has Charlie Rose chimed in yet lately? No, I don’t date MILFS. Do you want a dic pic or not Rachel?

INT. PARK
Cop
You shouldn’t let your kids play unattended.
Do It All Dad
Like I could catch up with Speedy, you know who, if I tried. Or count on a sanctuary state like New York to release Speedy into his home country the following day, next day delivery.

INT. PARK
Cop
You shouldn’t let your kids play unattended.
Do It All Dad
Stop acting like I left my kids unsupervised at a pool party at John Podesta’s house. With enough pedo art installations to make Marilyn Manson blush.

INT. PARK
Cop
You shouldn’t let your kids play unattended.
Do It All Dad
Why is North Salem, home of the X Man mansion a no go zone now? Don’t you follow Q officer?
Cop
Whose Q?
Do It All Dad
The storm is coming alright.

Memo to Palmer Report:
Your deep state heroes are going to prison for sedition.
The Dalai Lama was reincarnated as a paid talking puppet for George Soros and company.
Ivanka wins by a landslide in 2024.
Your sanctuary city party is screwed.

Michael Kornbluth

My Millennial Mouseketeer Generation

INT. PIZZERIA
Do It All Dad
Do you think Durant will go down as the most tragic victim of cyberbullying of all time? Playing for Brooklyn, in Lena Dunham country would be such a KD move. He thinks he’s the voice for the Millennial Mouseketeer generation.
Pizza Manager laughs long time.

Since when should I give a shit about what Andre Iguodala says about anything? He was a sixth man on the most loaded guard team of all time, who came up big. So did Robert Horry, but I’m not clamoring for his book on his blah brained personality either.

If Michael Jackson were alive, what would his defense be? All the Beatles royalties points in the world, can’t buy me love.

“Fake News” and “Hate Speech” is how Trump won Google? I thought it was because more than half of America really hated Hillary Hammer Time Cankles. Happy doodling.

Leaked Google docs label Jordan Peterson a Nazi. I just thought he was anal about using the most exacting language possible to describe group think enslaved Twitter Twats addicted to latching on to fake news moralist grandstanding.

Google Exec defending herself on Medium for stating Google nation’s hurt feelings for Huma Licker Breath losing. We can’t let this happen again. We’ve got Chinese overlords on our Board of Directors to answer to. I think Marco Rubio is hot.

Dice and Roseanne are launching a Mr. and Mrs. America Comedy Tour. This is Dice.

Ivanka wanted Motely Crue to play at her dad’s inauguration because of Tommy Lee’s snake in his pants. Jared pleas. My Hebrew Hammer can’t compete Dad.

Trump has ties to Russia, duh. Most mail order bride owners do. Oh, would I love to give Melania a bang, Michelle Obama naked, meat bag boner gone.

Why do Trump and Melania sleep in separate beds? Does Donald need put his meat bag on ice from breaking off his joy stick in Melania’s muff mitt or what?

For the record, Valerie Jarret does live with Obama. She did author the nuke gifting Iran deal. So double down Roseanne and insist that horse faced wench Valerie Jarret is Obama’s Arabian Horse Whisperer on Fox News. I’d bang you again without the lights on.

Roseanne, how did you get so bangable all of a sudden? Is it your tan jugs, the blond highlights or the thought of you turning Tom Arnold into a fat, resistor, lesbian?

They still show Cosby show ads on TV land after commercials for Ambien in heavy rotation. But Roseanne’s show got canceled for a tweet, that makes sense.

The woman’s march on Washington. All I saw was a whole lot of Rosie’s sporting a whole lot of chin’s. I also thought. Talk about spreading your pussy hat supply thin.

Did you see the eye patch on Madonna? Did Jose Canseco drop a hot load in her eye for old times sake?

How blown up does Madonna’s snatch look by now? I bet it looks like it camel toed on to a landmine in the occupied territory. Oh, I can’t take no more.

INT. HOME
Plumber
My wife still likes Hillary also. Maybe, your book can convince her otherwise.
Do It All Dad
It can make your sex life above average again.

Am I the only person who doesn’t give a shit about sanctioning the Foreign Minister of Iran? Iran has less good will in the bank than Suge Knight. I want Kerry thrown in cuffs while wind surfing in the Cape this summer for sedition now.

Memo to Nicholas Kristof: Obama solved the nuclear crisis by nuke gifting Iran 150 billion, and putting the kibosh on Hezbollah money laundering, drug sting ring, because he didn’t want to disrupt his precious deal at the last sec? Got it, Mullah lover you.

Obama was seen on a boat in Italy with George Clooney. It wasn’t a banana boat float like the one Melo was on with Chris Paul & Lebron. Still, how does Obama not feel like second banana in this instance? At least Clooney did something of merit to win a prize.

Andy Richter, you know the unfunny, fat toad designed to make Conan come off as magnanimous? Yeah, so that hack accuses all evangelicals as “full of shit” for supporting Trump. Thank God you have a career in show biz at all, you dumpy, drollish, zero stage presence, parasite. Your boss wrote for the Simpsons with twenty-five other writers. We got it.

Isn’t there an unwritten man code that says barber shall not touch your fucking eyebrows in the midst of a beard trim unless specified? Even if I’m a unibrow Siamese twin who could use some personalized hubba, hubba, winkle for my own flirtation game.

Do It All Dad putting his foot down.
I can’t handle Colby asking you to write something in his yearbook. You belong to me and your two brothers for the indefinite future. I’m happy for you.
Younger brother blurts. I’m not happy for you.

When your wife voices concerns, about rat infestations and drowning of your kids because of your own doing. You don’t regret voicing concerns of your wife boring your kids to death in your debt book without your steadying presence around as much.

Michael Kornbluth