Blog

Talent Is Never Ambiguous

I was blown away by my 5 year old’s sons Pre-K art show display. His drawings were so exacting. I never felt like such an all over the place Jew.

Dads make better cheerleaders than moms.

At my son’s art show, random dads I never met, emoted about my son’s art work over their own kids creations.

“Arthur’s got talent. And I think Monet’s overuse of pastels is overrated.”

Real art woos.

It compels random, blue collar dads, in my son’s pre-K to jerk off my son’s Monet recreations out of the blue.

“Arthur’s got talent.”

I reply.

“Thank you. My Jim Morrison black light poster in my freshman dorm room never felt more out of fashion.”

Talent is never ambiguous.

It’s clear as forced applause breaks on Late Night with Seth Meyers.

If I’m not scared of Trump.

I’m not into pleasing my mother like Seth Meyers.

His show is a participation trophy from SNL.

On the phone with mom.

I can’t wait to discuss Arthur’s favorite art show creations.

Too bad you couldn’t ask him in person in real time.

But you spoke to the owner of Kid’s Cottage about his speech issues.

But his talent isn’t ambiguous.

You had to mention his speech problems over the phone now mom.

Your timing is 1st year open mike bad.

Who cares if you’re a misunderstood artist off the canvas in person at 5 years old? Also, ever consider Speech Pathologist, you can’t keep up with my son’s motor mouth mind? A real artist like Dennis Hopper understands, man.

Nothing breaks my heart more than learning my son had nobody to play with during recess. Because nobody wanted to play Ninja with him. If his buds were only exposed to Storm Shadow from GI Joe instead of the
sychronized Power Ranger dancers.

INT. PRE-K ART SHOW
Stay At Home Comedian
Your apple is too pretty to eat.
Daughter
But daddy, you don’t even like apples.
Stay At Home Comedian
In other words, feeling less talented than your baby brother bites?

It’s hard to feel like a bust as a dad. When your 5 year old boy beams with pride at his 1st art show exhibit. Knowing, he’s made his big sister crazy with jealousy yet she does her best not to show it. Welcome to the art club, my perfect boy. You were born to shine.

Calling my parents Arizona Estate home.

Dad picks up, groggy.

What?

Was calling to emote about Arthur’s art show.

Let me guess. It’s too early to be hailing him as a creative genius just yet.

INT. HOME
Stay At Home Comedian
I got these Ninja figures at the book shop.
Now, you’ll always have somebody to play ninjas with.
Son
I meant the hide and go seek game.
Stay At Home Comedian
Artists do symbolism dude.

The End

By

Michael Kornbluth

Get Out Of My Life

5 Year Old Son
Where’s mama?
It’s taking 1 million decades.
Do you want daddy to read you a story?
Get out of my life already.
Mama’s dead.

2 Year Old Son walks down the street in his fleece with 2 hands in his pockets, chiller than Matt Damon in the Outsiders with his shirt on.

Stay at Home Dads are welfare mothers in hoodies. I wear a polo one. According to CNN, I’m an elitist White Supremacist. I only listen to Kayne West duets with Paul McCartney.

Crazy, Good, Dada
Pilot
(V.0)
Picture a family cooking show for dads if Jim Gaffigan was Jewish and only had 3 kids. We’re The Pescatarain Comedians.

Crazy, Good, Dada

Pilot

Do It All Dad
(V.O)
I want to get paid to hang out with my 3 kids.
Is this love or co-dependence times 3?
Time to find out World Wide Web. Give it up for my prop comedian family, The Pescatarian Comedians. Food history served bit by bit.

 

The Pescatarian Comedians Pilot Younger Brother The world doesn’t revolve around your kids. Stay At Home Comedian Our Bad Boy Soy Boy sketch got 2 million views last week alone. According to Youtube it does.

 

INT. DELI Old School Italian

I tried to invent an apple sauce dispenser so I could get paid to hang out more with my kids .

Stay At Home Comedian

Our kids are superior company than most, especially when mommy keeps busy.
INT. DELI Old School Italian I tried to invent an apple sauce dispenser so I could get paid to hang out with my children more.

Stay At Home Comedian

I bet your shoulders don’t collapse when your son hugs you on his birthday.

INT. HOME

Wife

A Kiss shirt? You’re not in High School anymore.

Stay At Home comedian

Don’t act like you’re so tight fitting anymore.

 

INT. HOME
Daughter
Why does Shannon call the MAGA hat racist?
Stay At Home Comedian
Because her mom only gets her news from Telemundo.

INT. KIDS U
Playing with my kid. Another kid by himself, tags along.
Do It All Dad
I got 3 kids little man.
I’ve only got some much new kid love allocation to spare.
Here’s a card. Tell your dad to review my podcast on Itunes & will talk.

MAGA Hats have become a symbol of White Nationalism? Then, why does Kayne West rock it? Do White Nationalists even fancy, high end, porcupine Persian puss? Also, name another white nationalist invited to Kayne’s sermons on God in Calabasas? I’m still waiting.

The MAGA hat is a symbol of white nationalists. I thought it was for time for real life profitable change. MAGA hat is a symbol of white nationalists. That’s what CNN hopes to shame 64 million branded racists who voted for Trump into thinking. Jussie Smollett claiming complete innocence or not.

Candace Owens unedited.
No offense Mr. Leiu but Obama is the one who loves Hitler. Obama wishes he was that organized. Mass extermination of his Zionist critics would be a gas, whether it’s through slipping them Fentanyl into their soup or not.

INT. OFFICE
HR
How will you handle commuting to the city after 3 years?
Stay At Home Comedian
After looking after 3 kids 2 summers in a row with no AC, the commute on MetroNorth will feel like a 5 week rave in Germany, actually.

Memo to Craig Carton:
Doing time as a stay at home comedian with limited congenial visits since our 3rd kid has turned our bed into an after hours open milk bar has made me a better on air personality host also. I’ll bet you on it, double or nothing.

 

Awkward Classic Rock DJ Moment
That was Love Hurts. Ah, Kleinfeld only got to 1st base with a buck toothed 6 by Texas hottie standards in Dazed and Confused. I’m still Large Larry for a reason. That hurts.

The End

By,

Michael Kornbluth

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Pescatarian Comedians

My daughter upstaging me as usual, addressing her younger brother.
“You’ll never know anything I don’t know because I’m older than you.”

My daughter not dealing well with hard genetic science.
Daddy, what if I’m 1 percent black? You’d sing with improved soul and attack the rim with higher hopper authority. Daughter replies. Kill yourself, daddy, kill yourself.

Michael Jackson’s less harmful legacy.
Ruining Weird Al children books with my kids.
Daddy, can we watch the Fat video again?
The animated feeling has lost it’s loving feeling, sorry kids.
I’m sick to my stomach, you know it.

Int. Car
Stay At Home Comedian
Did you just call Jane or did she call you?
Younger Brother
I called her. She’s my fiance.
Stay At Home Comedian
2nd in 2 years. Still, feels excessive.
But fine, her presence is impossible to live without.

Int. Sushi Restaurant
Younger Brother
What about Charlottesville?
Stay At Home Comedian
Will have zero impact on Ivanka becoming the 1st Jewish, woman US president in 2024. I agree. Let’s see what a proud converter Jew feminist mom is then.

Int. Sushi Restaurant
Younger Brother
What about Charlottesville?
Stay At Home Comedian
There were peaceful protesters present along with ANTIFA & the bussed in screenshot of KKK extras from central castings in polo shirts and tiki torches.

Obama’s former aide contacted Chicago PD about having his FBI loyalists take over the Jussie Smollet case. How beloved is Obama in his sweet home Chicago? When he get’s a royal f you from the Chicago PD instead. John Hughes beloved, he’s not.

Every Trump fight instigated by the resistors resistance to factual based reality ends with, I can refute 5 of your facts with 10 more. At this point, just save your breath and utter Ivanka 2024, 1st Jewish, woman US president. You’re welcome.

 

Int. Sushi Restaurant
Younger Brother
What about Charlottesville?
Stay At Home Comedian
It wasn’t only a white supremacist rally.
It was also a monument to fake news appeasing ANTIFA led violence against Trump supporters and MAGA hats moron.

Brother
What about Charlottesville?
Stay At Home Comedian
Robert E. Lee called slavery a moral political evil. And Trump electrician supporters aren’t dismantling Airport TV’s paid to play CNN’s staged hate crimes to trigger a new civil war.

Arizona Police Feds seized 45,000 Fentanyl pills in 2 operations.
It wasn’t the spring cleaning Obama was hoping for.

Omar’s an easy target because she’s a black Muslim. I thought it was because she converted to Judaism like Ivanka being such a moderate, progressive minded voice of Islam in the House of Representatives, my bad.

Int. Sushi Restaurant
Younger Brother
What about Charlottesville?
Stay At Home Comedian
The monument being taken down wasn’t of Al Sharpton. And he forced a black girl to lie about being raped by a NYPD officer. But now you’re a Spike Lee fan?

Baby Face Omar is an easy target because she’s a black Muslim. But Obama avoided any hard questions about his faith and he’s way prettier. His Farsi dialect doesn’t sound blood thirsty gruff either. You want to talk one of the prettiest sounds on earth.

Border Wall supporters follow the white supremacy agenda? But the Klan would attempt to chase down Jesse Owens, not Speedy Gonzalez. Also, the Klan never feared their woman speeding into Speedy’s arms if given the chance, just saying.

Memo to Stephen Colbert:
What Trump is doing to the nation is horrible? What you’ve done to the state of American comedy is the real travesty dude. But taking pictures with John Podesta is a great look twerp. Sure you got nothing to hide but being funny anymore.

Trump emboldens white Nationalists Tim Kaine? How would you know? Does your son’s Crystal Meth dealer follow POTUS on Twitter? And since when are white nationalists cool with Jewish grandchildren populating the White House, on Bank Holidays? Just curious Tiny Tim.

What the left has become blows. I hate JK Rowling but who cares if she outed any fictional freak figures of her creation. Stop being so you know what about it.

I retrieve a nifty Nerf football down a high mountain with my 2 kids. Wife looks down on me holding baby with disgust.

Do It All Dad
What, I’m teaching my kids the importance of not throwing away money?
Wife
Then, why don’t you have life insurance yet?

Ext. Mountain Hike-NY
Daughter
Mimi acts like us moving to Arizona is convenient for us but it’s really just more convenient for them. Plus, they hate you Dada for supporting Trump. So you shouldn’t give them the satisfaction.

When it rains in Scottsdale, Arizona it looks like a wet pile of rocks.

Brother
The world doesn’t revolve around you kids.
Stay At Home Comedian
Mine does, so they don’t end up like you.
But playing the victim of addiction for 2 decades. Who can’t stop being a lying, scumbag has done wonders for your imagination so far.

 

INT. Sushi Restaurant
Younger Brother
ANTIFA aren’t domestic terrorists.
I watch Vice and Bill Maher.
Stay At Home Comedian
They fire bomb buildings in Berkeley because big bad, Ben Shapiro came to town for a speech on 2nd amendment rights.

Int. Car
Younger Brother
My coke dealer who only sells me adderall
now wants to meet you.
Stay At Home Comedian
Does he check in with you more than I do?
Also, am I supposed to be excited about coming face to face with your white angel of death?

Anyone who says I’m friends with Trump lovers means they don’t love you if you love Trump to. You have boys who love Trump dude? And you’re cool with it. Despite turning Albino white when I called ANTIFA domestic terrorists, you mush brained mook.

Int. Car

Brother
The world doesn’t revolve around you kids.
Mom and dad had 2 kids and both worked.
Stay At Home Comedian
I played alone with GI Joe figures till age 16.
And you were shipped off to boarding school at 15. Mr. Rogers, watch out.

 

I love it when younger, dressed up girls do selfies across the train from me on their way to White Plains, NY for St. Patricks Day . It means my ring is making them green with envy. And I no longer feel so excessively Jewish around House of Pain.

 

Int. Home
Wife
Don’t expect me to do cartwheels over your latest and greatest genius idea.
Any money for you to produce now would be nice.
Stay At Home Comedian
I can’t wait to see how excited you’re for me when I start booking gigs at Country Clubs in Connecticut.

Judge Jeanine’s gone hard at the vermin for trying to derail the Trump Train bound for glory from the start. But she can’t say Sharia Law on TV? What’s upheld in Europe right now? Besides no go zones being safe spaces for Palestinian freedom fighters.

 

Ext. Mobil
Younger Brother
You need weed to hang out with me?
Stay At Home Comedian
I’m not here to jerk off your Facebook posts about banning all guns or show interest in how you listen to Crosby Stills to minimize hate in your life now.

 

Brother
What about Charlottesville?
Stay At Home Comedian
They were good, God loving peaceful white protesters in attendance, protesting the taking down of the Robert E. Lee statue. He called slavery a moral evil like the UN, Rape Wood, John Podesta’s email chains, etc.

I cried at least twice when I saw the footage of President Trump sign his veto for his national declaration act. The Angel moms are so strong. The love and respect in the oval office at this moment was so palpable. Finally, felt a change is going come Mr. Sam Cooke.

INT. CAR-MOBIL GAS STATION
Younger Brother
You need weed to hang out with me?
Stay At Home Comedian
I just bought you a piece and about to score you a huge bag for not much, so you can feel like a big shot again. Mom reminds me how important this for you.

Brother
You never check in on me. I lost my job. Why try anymore?
The world doesn’t revolve around your kids.
Stay At Home Comedian
Your shitty Pete Davidson impersonation isn’t moving me one 1 bit. Is the 2 Instagram followers worth it?

Int. Home
Stay At Home Comedian
Doesn’t your maternal instinct always want to hear, mama, mama? Because this way you’re always able to feel appreciated and needed? Granted, they could be crying mama because you don’t love them as well as I do.

Int. Home
Wife
Don’t expect me to cartwheels over your genius idea.
Stay At Home Comedian
Thanks for the final nudge to write my pilot for Crazy, Good, Dada about our family friendly, food sketch comedy show, The Pescatarian Comedians.

The End

By,

Michael Kornbluth

 

 

BE FUNNIER THAN WEIRD AL BY CHRISTMAS

Daddy, what’s confidence? Telling doubt, see ya, wouldn’t want to be yah. Or as Axl Rose sings in Mr. Brownstone, Worryin’s a waste of my time. And I’m not Heavy Metal’s answer to Richard Lewis.

Nationalist is a loaded word. The N bomb is a load word. ANTFA lives matter is an oxymoron.
Starting shit with my mother in law part 1
Enough with grace in our home Rosa.
None of my children including myself believe Jesus was the real Messiah. If so God would’ve started a Kickstarter campaign to pay for our moving costs to Israel already.

Starting shit with my mother in law part 2
Don’t force my kids to say Grace unless black Jesus Haile Selassie is included. He’s God incarnate, direct descent of David. His body disappeared to, just saying. You better recognize.

Starting shit with my mother in law part 3
Don’t force my kids to say Grace.
I love me some Jesus but don’t believe he’s the Messiah. Fake news Nazi smears, ANTIFA & CNN suing the White House doesn’t feel like the age of messianic peace within me.

Motley Crue ranks as the best brawling band ever because of the long reach of Tommy Lee and Nikki Sixx alone. The Allman Brothers had black bassist Berry Oakley but Dwayne Allman is getting his ass whipped easy and looked like he was dying to begin with.

Yelling at my daughter is like yelling at the Grateful Dead for opening up with St. Stephen because Jon Mayer looks prettier than Trey playing it obviously.

How do you hate the movie Rudy? Dare I quote Ike on Veterans Day? “It’s not size of the dog in the fight, it’s the size of the fight in the dog.” F the underdog Rudy. Spoken like the last Jeb Bush fan on earth.

But really how do you hate the movie Rudy? That’s like hating Eric Stoltz for hooking up with Laura Dern in Mask or hating Lupus for snagging a grab in Bad News Bears.
Or hating Daniel Day’s Lewis’ club left foot.

Louie CK is right. Most kids can be annoying assholes. Mine are fuss free. But hipster husband talk of white nationalists turning America into an Aryan nation despite no Edward Norton, American History X knockoffs gracing the Oval Office is so tolerable.

Met Stan Lee in Beverly Hills. Told him, I loved him in Mallrats. Jagger and me, we had a running contest, last time I looked I was way ahead. What an inspired writer life he lived. Goodbye sweet prince of boyhood wonder and creatively jacked good guy delight.

Int. Home
Wife
You went to the new Stop & Shop in Mahopac?
Stay At Home Comedian Dad
I’ve seen more sure footed tourists in Times Square.
I hear. Can you direct me to the canned goods and frozen food sections please? Yikes!

Racist Case Against Trump
He called the White Nationalist Protesters in Charlottesville, nice people. Did Trump name names & give shouts out to Schillinger from OZ and his kids Screaming Nazi and Hail Jager Goldschlager?

#FacebookDown was down on Monday but Farrakhan’s page was still up. Zit Face Zuck must label his anti-Jew tirades as fake news hate speech or inspired filler for Spike Lee’s new joint.

Michelle Obama says Melania never reached out to ask her advice on being 1st lady. Like Melania planned on rocking the Kwanza themed decorations for Christmas. Or had to rely on Michelle for Fashion tips once Fashion Police got terminated.

Michelle Obama says Melania never reached out to ask her advice on being 1st lady. I’m sure her perpetual, bitchy scowl during Trump’s inauguration had nothing to do with it. Or how Michelle didn’t bother doing her hair according to my barber.

Michelle Obama says Melania never reached out to ask her advice on being 1st lady. Or inquire about Beyonce’s secret Lemonade recipe. Produce a documentary on yourself for Netflix already called “Ungracious 1st Lady.”

Michelle Obama says Melania never reached out to ask her advice on being 1st lady. Last time I checked, Barron isn’t the one passing out at Lollapalooza on more than just Fun Dip. Nor is he interning for Miramax either.

Michelle Obama says Melania never reached out to ask her advice on being 1st lady. On what, how to strip the Oval Office of all high class prestige but letting it all hang out on Ellen? In white slacks after Labor Day to top it off.

Bud
How about Melo?
Stay At Home Comedian Dad
Contrary to popular belief, I think he’s a poor excuse for a leader.
Who failed to live up to hype like Obama on Cheeseburgers.

Long Island City is so hot now because Amazon’s coming to town. No, it’s not. It’s still Queens. Compared to Manhattan and Brooklyn, Queens is still the sloppy 3rd Kardashian sister. Whose easy to pound at 3 in the morning like a lamb gyro in Astoria.

With Amazon moving to town, the 7 line will be tighter than Nas Ilmatic, represent, represent, represent.

INT. Car
Son
Be funnier than Weird AL by Christmas Dada. Or I’m killing you with our sharpest knife for real.
Stay At Home Dad
I better get sharper by writing funnier jokes then.

INT. Car
Son
Be funnier than Weird AL by Christmas Dada. Or I’m killing you with our sharpest knife for real.
Stay At Home Dad
How did you get so tough?
Son
My daddy’s a killer comedian.

INT. Car
Son
Be funnier than Weird AL by Christmas Dada. Or I’m killing you with our sharpest knife for real.
Stay At Home Dad
I’ll go for the jugular kid.
Forward force all the way.

INT. Car
Son
Be funnier than Weird AL by Christmas Dada. Or I’m killing you with our sharpest knife for real.
Daughter
Kill or be killed by political correctness Dada.
Don’t make Obama’s legacy the death of comedy to.

THE END

By,

Michael Kornbluth

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

College Is Off The List Dad

Free In-House Marriage Couples Therapy:
I address my 5 Year old son.
Arthur, tell me to suck it up because you’ll be miserable without me.

Epstein’s last words. Orange Is New The Black is social justice porn for Obama.

EXT. Restaurant
Boomer Dad
Aren’t you going to say great seeing you?
Do It All Dad
You bolted from the restaurant after I started scoring laughs from strangers next to our table. You refuse to encourage my gift. I got the memo seared into my subconscious.

INT. HOME
Do It All Dad
College is off the list Dad.
Your grandchildren can’t identifiy as proud New York Jews on your standard east coast based college campus without being persécuted as monstouros, white chosen Supremacists.

Scene: Trump on the phone with whomever is in charge of Denmark. How about we take Greenland off your hands?
Didn’t you guys give into to radical Islam and ban Gummy Worms at schools because they weren’t Halal? Is white sauce next? It doesn’t have to be.

Scene: Trump on the phone with whomever is in charge of Denmark. I love the Mermaid statue in Copenhagen. Neil Young, never a huge fan, just dumped his wife of 35 years for Daryl Hannah. He’s going through a post midlife never banged a mermaid crisis.

Anger Management Therapy Idea:
Spill a brand new Lego set in the Mall cafeteria until the parents stop dropping f bombs, cursing their children’s existence on the spot.

Jay Z will be picking America’s half time entertainment offerings now for the Super Bowl. Adam Levine’s topless tatoo show combined with the firey background felt too alt-rightish, with an extra flamer twist. Proud Boys are no flaming sodomites alright.

I resent my mother for instilling the fear of my youngest son being prime pedophile snatch up off the playground material. Dad adds. But will eye him like a hawk when we look after him in our gated community playground in Scottsdale, Arizona no problem.

Baby Face Omar won’t slip into depression after being denied entry into Israel. She’ll just write it off as something happened to Jews no longer being hospitable to anyone who supports financial sanctions akin to real life terrorist occupier lovers in Iran.

Hugging flags isn’t patriotic but refusing to stand for the national anthem is Popovich?

He’s like Ron Kovac in reverse minus the Bronze Star and Oliver Stone giving 2 shits about penning Duncan, Parker, Ginobli and me. Show class like the Admiral poker face.

On the phone with younger brother.

I’ll be attending the dinner, Natalia has to look after the kids.

You mean my rehearsal dinner.

Are you marrying yourself?

Takeing selfies of yourself driving drives that motif home already but I digress.

Don Junior shouldn’t go on a Twitter blast after the same targets as his father.

It’s like Dl Hughley doing a set after Chris Rock.

The talent discrepency is more glarish than Trans Chucky trying to fill Joan Rivers clown shoes on Fashion Police.

Jon Lennon gave Julian a trust fund because being a working class hero would threaten his legacy to be.

You can’t be bigger than Jesus if you don’t nail your marks on Sullivan to Love You Do.

On the phone with Dad.
Aren’t you excited to see your father?

Inviting me to Peter Lugers after blessing you with 3 fuss free grandchildren would make me feel more singled out for my unique brand of specialness inside.

The Mooche insists Trump incités hate.
Didn’t he break an F bomb in rapid succession record second to Cankles on élection night?

INT. CAR
Cop
Liscense and Registration.
Do It All Dad
What was I pulled over for officer? Child Trafficking because I got three kids seperated from their mother in the back?

Scene: Car
Do It All Dad
How does your dad exude any self-worth knowing he had all Summer to clean the Slip and Slide for Baba Camp? No clean water to spare?
Son
I even packed 2 pairs of trunks for it.

Do It All Dad laughs long time.

INT. HOME
Daughter
Daddy, did you know Barbie has 5 husbands?
Do It All Dad
What a slut?
Daughter
What’s a slut?
Do It All Dad
Wearing short shorts and lipstick to Larry King book signings, with predatory zeal untill he drops dead.

INT. MOVIE THEATRE
College Bud
Giving your kids Diet Coke isn’t good.
Do It All Dad
Your diet now is hardboiled eggs and chicken wings. Cut out the wings and I’ll like your Keto diet fan page with a ghetto fabulous twist Balboa.

INT. HOME
Boomer Mom
The flower basket isn’t pretty enough for a Flower Girl.
Do It All Dad
No offense môm, but it’s in poor taste to dump on the basket knowing Uncle John has done zilch for you to exploit my kids for feel good props against my will.

How do Trump’s words inspire terrorism?

Is he quoting Jihad mentions in the Koran with Al Jazeera’s Piers Morgan ?

Does he tweet shoot anyone not wearing MAGA marching gear?

Does Trump dox ICE agents? Bankroll ANTIFA if Soros stiffs them?

INT. MOVIE THEATRE
College Bud
Giving your kids Diet Coke isn’t good.
Do It All Dad
Is that what your AA book says?
Also, don’t you have a deviated septum? So why don’t you blow your childless condescension up your ass, Dr. Drew Howser M.D.

Banana Republic is selling Hijabs now. Baby Face Omar can modèl thèm to conceal her business casual anti-semetism.

Victoria Secret hired a Transgender girl. Modeling pink duct tape for Home Depot in the power drill asile will be under scandalous scutiny next.

INT. HOME
Wife
Put a shirt on, we have company over.
Do It All Dad
I’m just proving Stay At Home Dads can be trophy wives to. No need to cover up a droopy physique with a Lulu Lemon fitted spanx tang top up in here.

Michael Kornbluth

Resisting Gag Orders Good

Scene: Wedding Rehearsal Dinner
Younger Brother
Don’t talk politics.
Do It All Dad
I’m not even talking to you.
Only you can make me regret getting you an original Nintendo for your wedding gift with a Tecmo Bowl game minutes after the fact.

Scene: Wedding Rehearsal Dinner
Baby Boomer Dad
Don’t talk politics.
Do It All Dad
So you’re trying to censor me, Peter Fonda mourner you?
Let’s agree, I won’t send you a signed copy of Do It All Dad Does Jokes as a peace offering then man.

Most symbolic moment at my younger brother’s wedding.

Brother walks down the steps with my parents, arms interlocked. I’m a healthy distance behind with my great Aunt before I hear. Bro, back up and give us space because I’m closer to mom and dad, I win.

Most annoying moment at my younger brother’s wedding was the Bride instructing me to take a time out from playing with my kids to watch my mother sloppy slow dance with my brother like he was the prom king she never molested with her body moving.

Observationl humor about my younger brother’s wedding.

My parents don’t care about rubbing their blatant favoritism of my younger brother in my face from his Bar Mitzvah party onward. It’s like they’re double daring me to prove who the real star is.

INT. RESTAURANT
Wedding Guest
What’s your secret?
Why are your kids so behaved?
Do It All Dad
I unravel the mysterious source of their infinite wonderfullness in my debut parnting book Controlling My Kids With Comedy, A Love Story. For 9.99 you can find out.

Wedding Scene:
Ashley Judd refusing to watch Harvey Weinstein shower himself in his suite at the Four Seasons is a form of rape.
Yeah, it’s totally equivalent to pinned, non fantaized about, borderline suffocating, pinned down pentration.

Accepting how hard I bombed at my younger brother’s wedding.

The bride and groom were making out the whole time I was bombing away.

My parents hated my comedic aspirations already.

Kids got rave reviews. Was a big hit at the party before I got political.

Scene: After I bomb hard at my younger brother’s wedding.

Wedding Guest
You enjoy being inappropriate?

Do It All Dad
I don’t like to bomb. But I don’t like to play it safe or care to charm the Squad’s linguistic mishap sympathizers one bit either.

Scene: After my Dad tried to bully me into wrapping up my set after bombing hard at my brothers wedding with no microphone.

Dad, you really suck sometimes. But I should be thrilled because you called my children beautiful at my brothers wedding.

EXT. WEDDING
HONEY
Michael is a stay at home dad.
Do It All Dad
My dad prefers the expression sheltered bum. He doesn’t know I wrote 2 books this year. Neither does my mother. Younger brother doesn’t care because he’s a fake news friend.

My performance at my brother’s wedding was a total debacle. Making an alt right joke in relation to Jim Carrey and me referring to a potential love triangle between the bride, her mother and myself on my brothers wedding night was declared inappropriate.

EXT. WEDDING
Boomer Dad
Are you looking after the kids?
Do It All Dad
You don’t leave me with much choice, do you? But yes, I’m relishing their company in your absence as usual, that’s correct.

Michael Kornbluth

Inappropriate Hated Speech

When I 1st met Jane’s mom Honey, she says to me, “Your daughter is your twin.” I reply, “Yeah my DNA is all over her face.” Honey laughs longtime. My mother in law doesn’t care for rock concerts because they’re too loud.

My parents expressed concern about me making today tense. But I haven’t started flirting with Jane’s mom yet or professed how I’m hot for Honey, knowing the feeling is mutual.

Who loves the sun more than sweet Jane’s and Honey’s laugh? I’m more of an overcast guy myself.

Sweet Jane and her mother Honey are effortless sweet. I wanted to say scrumptious sweet but I don’t want to cause a love triangle with Honey and my sister in law on my brother’s wedding night. Sure, that’s a big no, no, even in Bill Maher’s book.

Sweet Jane and Honey play Fortune Teller with my kids. I predict leaning on you 2 for babysitting the way Comedy Central plans on exploiting Trevor Noah’s family friendly charm for all it’s worth.

Sweet Jane and Honey are such good educators. They taught my brother God is real in our hearts. Similar to God George Steinbrenner has given my brother more 2nd shots at redemption than Steve Howe.

Sweet Jane and her mom Honey are the sweet, soul sisters I never had in my life. 3 kids latér, it’s a little late for us to have the birds and the bees talk or about how marriage reduces men to sluts in a straight jacket for our better half.

Side note, Jonathan face times his best friend Forrest before he goes to sleep with his fiance sleeping next to him. Congrats Good Will Hoodie, you’ve killed bedroom privacy and encourage driving selfies to the point of no return.

Sweet Jane and Honey are really into my kids. The rest of you today are interchangeable props really. Cam from Canada, make yourself at home and hit somebody. So, Jim Carey can paint you as an alt-right deplorable goon proud boy for hire.

Sweet Jane and her mom Honey are the sweet, soul sisters I never had. Some unplanned kids latér, it’s a little late for us have the weed talk and how weed can lead to you blanking on confirming whether your woman is on the pill or not.

Sweet Jane and Honey, welcome to the Kornbluth family. My kids are smitten with you, so you’ll have always have a special place etched in my heart. My 3 kids are automatic fans of me. And I was into you 2 from the start 2, L’Chaim.

Michael Kornbluth

Sent from Mail for Windows 10

Grandma Blanking on Birthplaces

On the phone with mom.

Which hospital was Arthur born in again?

The one you sent jack shit to.

Which hospital was Arthur born in again?

The building with newborn babies on the Upper East Side, you showed zero rush to visit despite your future scheduled flight but that’s not important right now.

INT. HARVEST MOON
Hack Dude
John Legend is more talented than Kayne West.
Do It All Dad
Yeah, I’m not sitting in the deep valley sun to hear John Legend give a sermon on anything but how to drown out his chicken head wife to moonlight sonatas in his head.

For a sec, I thought Jeremy Lin was trending because of #ChristianPrivilege. God forbid the Knicks resign the classier, still active, Bay area point legend, not being chipmunk chucker. I’ll never forgive JR Smith for running the Golden Child out of town because he couldn’t accept Jeremy Lin clogging up the driving bike lane all for himself.

Can’t Jeremy Lin play in China and emasculate Marbury if he wanted to? Enough with all the sob stories in his honor. He owned the Garden for a bit and didn’t have to demand get in the bandwagon. Plus, Harvard grads are popular on LinkedIn.

INT. HOME-AM
Wife
I’m making hard boiled eggs. I know how much you hate them.
Do It All Dad
So I won’t expect a gooey, runny ending to our time on the couch tonight after the kids are in bed then?

INT. HOME-AM
Wife
This pen could’ve ruined my Lilly Pulitzer cloths. It’s just another broken promise from you.
Do It All Dad
I promised to be thrilled at the prospect of you having to conceal your sagging legs with Lilly Pulitzer.

INT. HOME-AM
Wife
You’re so lucky this pen didn’t ruin my Lilly Pulitzer cloths. I knew you’d get defensive.
Do It All Dad
How can I be defensive if I apologized for almost ruining your cloths with my pens again for doing laundry you don’t?

INT. POOL
Do It All Dad
Your brother dove like an Avatar.
You dove like an Olympic hopeful in training.
Daughter
Well you dive like a knock kneed girl on the rag.
You can’t tuck me in for a whole month.

EXT. HARVEST MOON FARM
Do It All Dad
When are you do?
Nosy Husband Of Pregnant Woman
Did say what do you do?
Do It All Dad
I know you paid off all her debt and make 300K plus, so she doesn’t have to do Jack shirt anymore Champ.

Don King was the Jussie Smollet riot inciting instigator of the 90’s in a Nike jumpsuit. Sharpton tried to frame NYPD cops for a rape, feces involved, fake news hate crime. But Obama celebrated Al for this distinction.

Brainstormed story titles to write for a Jewish parenting site, Kveller.

Trade Mother In Law’s, Dream On

My Jewish Daughter Identifies as Hindu

Grandma Blanking on Birthplaces

Force Feeding Communion Isn’t Kosher

Defending My Jewishness on Christmas

What does that even mean calling Trump a Rat? Last time I checked, Presidents working for free, aren’t cheddar chasing, political whores for hire. But Trump’s the king rat in the nut cracker. He’s the Twitter king of cracking wise, I’ll give you that much.

Completion of the wall is an imminent reality now, Mueller was exposed for the deep state pawn that he is. US farmers, vets, legal Latino voters love Trump. Economy roars on. But backing Jew haters and calling Trump a Rat, will get grope a dope elected, morons.

When Lebron loses to Kawhi this year, what will the excuse be now?

He’s a pass 1st super star, more in the mold of disappearing Magic Johnson. Who thought dumping off to Uni Brow for a deep three with one second on the clock in the 4th will do the trick.

Still on the phone with mom.

Arthur and Matilda will be in Delaware for Baba camp. But that’s when I’m going to be back east. Will baby Samuel be there at least?

You really do resent him for making annual appearances back east look bad.

But I’ll make sure baby Samuel feels more than a giveaway constellation prize.

INT. HOME-AM
Wife
You’re so lucky this pen didn’t ruin 500 dollars worth of my Lilly Pulitzer cloths.
Do It All Dad
Don’t worry baby. I’ll write us out of the red eventually.

Michael Kornbluth

Missed More Than Mommy

EXT. HEAVEN
Joan Rivers
Clinton body count is still trending on Twitter Anthony.
Anthony Bourdain
Up for a titty fuck Joan?
Joan Rivers
I thought you’d never ask.
Shit, God can you zap Bourdain’s foreskin off in a flash?

If a boy is born 100 percent gay, does he suck down booby milk regardless? Because he doesn’t know what his preferred oral fixation is yet.

Bette Midler claims Trump pays black people to pose in pictures with him. Because Kayne West became famous for going out of his way to please his white slave masters in the song Black Republicans. And Jim Brown makes bank reforming gang banger’s I’m sure.

Bette Midler claims Trump pays black people to pose in pictures with him. Because Kayne West and Jim Brown are the Wayne Brady and OJ of their day, you dumb bitch. And Candace Owens is the help for Jerry Nadler offline, moron.

D.L Hughley calls Trump supporters lower than Satan worshipers. You’re a reformed gang banger, who was at the right place at the right time. You make Kevin Hart sound Paul Mooney deep in comparison. At least show a strain of attempted funny, comedian.

Scene: De Blasio debating Trump

De Blasio
You won’t be welcome back to New York.
Trump
I worked with Ed Koch, to rebuild the Wollman Rink in Central Park, under budget. Charter school cock blocker, let AOC cock block Amazon’s move to Queens.

De Blasio
You don’t know what’s right for New York.
Trump
You turned NY into a Sanctuary City, which is encouraged lawlessness, you dumb mook. You use NYPD to protect the head of ANTIFA outside his Brooklyn pad, Lena licker.

Baby Face Omar says be more fearful of white man than Jihadists. Because blowing up buildings to bang virgins in the afterlife is no indicator of knee jerk Jihadi having enough blood on his hands already.

Baby Face Omar says be more fearful of white man than Jihadists. I know because so many Jihadists are known for their animated senses of humor involving making fun of you know who.

NY Times letting Baby Face Omar write op-eds, means Steven Spielberg is off their Kwanza party invite list.

Girl from my past who grazed my meat Mallet once sends me an instant message.

Your parents retired to Arizona. Good for them, well deserved.

I reply.

They’ve been absente grandparents ever since, 3 grandchildren later and growing.

Explaining Bruce Lee to my 2 year old boy.

Bruce Lee was an American and the Chinese killed him for teaching martial arts secrets to Kareem, who couldn’t carry a film based on his force of personality, if his life depended on it.

INT. FANCY ITALIAN GROCERY STORE
Baby boy pushes car that has a plastic flag attached, which reads customer in training.

Do It All Dad
They should change the sign to shishy bitch on the rise.

Older Italian woman laughs long time.

The Obama’s are creating podcasts exclusive for Spotify.

Their participation trophies from Hollywood and Big Tech never end.

Is Ben Rhodes already framing the resisters of the podcast as Trans hater war mongers?

Girl from my past I tried to get a book review from.

Have you taken your family to Australia yet? I reply through instant messenger.

Yeah, opening for Jim Jeffries, assuming he can handle my pro Trumpian material should cover the cost easy.

Does your husband get cabin fever from your constantly stalled banter never lifting off past Clicheville?

Have I taken my family to Australia yet? Fly your 1 kid compared to my 3 from NY to Arizona once and I’ll treat your inquiry more seriously.

EXT. HOME
My 3 kids bum rush me.
Daughter
What took you so long?
Do It All Dad
Were you that miserable without me?
Daughter
Kind of.
Do It All Dad
So much for mom’s makeover making up for my presence when I was gone.

Michael Kornbluth

Mueller, Mueller, Mueller

Has Baby Face Omar downplayed the death of Amy Winehouse as something happened to a hypnotic, beehive horn hiding, Benjamin loving devil woman who exploited the great Palestinian song book for all it’s worth?

What’s going to be the big reveal from the Mueller hearing? He only parts his hair with good old fashioned elbow grease?

Don Cheadle calls Trump the most frightening man on the planet. Why do I get the impression Samuel L. Jackson would deliver that line in a more dramatic, convincing fashion? That’s right, Tarantino hasn’t written shit for you because you lack gravitas.

Omar calls for abortion access for Illegal Aliens. My brain needs to re-compute that sentence.

I don’t think Illegal Aliens are coming to America for the red carpet Planned Parenthood treatment because they’re tired of telling Hector to pull out already.

The squad fears violent attacks against them. Obama did call ISIS the JV squad but the comparison ends there. Knowing they encourage ANTIFA to terrorize MAGA country at large.

Mayor Pete insists white nationalism is the most deadly form of terrorism in the USA.

What about the unmasking of Hondurans standing up to MS13 by the NY Times because they’re still with her for some reason. Care to comment, Children of the Corn?

Impeachment first, prison next. Sure, and the Knicks off season was a resounding success. Stop ruining the allure of me ever wanting to work in Hollywood, moron resistors, every single one of you. You’re all off the list.

Corey Booker wants to punch Trump because the President writes punchier material than he does.

It disgusts me to see Schumer and the blond bitch feeding off the good will from 911 1st responder’s knowing they support sanctuary cities, which put men in blue at most risk. Neither has done dick to demonize the cop hating mayor in charge now either.

Scene: Podcast Interview
Host
What’s your favorite quote?
Do It All Dad
I’ll quote the great Rabbi Mendel Schneerson, “Think good and it will be good. It won’t help Baby Face Omar impeach Trump. Or help her impose Sharia law in America but I digress.

INT. FOOT DOCTOR
Do It All Dad
If you want to learn who fails the friendship litmus test. Write 2 books in 2 years, looking after 3 kids with zero help from grandparents and you’ll learn how much they suck real quick.

Larry Charles, Seinfeld writer alum, Entourage also, encourages the Left to arm themselves, against who?

MS-13 extras on the Fox Lot for a remake of American Me?

Mueller takes the stand.

Ted Cruz: Mueller, how did Trump obstruct justice again? He didn’t fire you. You got a gag order on Roger Stone. He didn’t sue Buzz Feed for defamation for the Euro Trash golden shower tale. Still waiting, Mueller, Mueller, Mueller.

Michael Kornbluth

Hot For Son In Law’s Brother

My parents are so selfish, they pushed for my family of 5 to move next to them in Arizona for east coast heat wave weather stretched out to 4 months a year. And had no plans to up the AC to drown out Uni Brow Maddow whenever we visit.

My love for the Knicks has been reduced to bemused, preverse scorn. Now, I’m aroused at MJ wrecking the Allan Houston, not every shot was so pretty Knicks on YouTube in 1997.

Giving my wife grief on purpose via text.
I’m not rubbing it in. But none of the kids are sun burnt from yesterday nor have they made any reference to their skin catching fire yet.

Planned Wedding Party speech for my younger brother.

My brother’s mother-in-law Honey, compelled my mother to pretend all the wonderful emotive superlatives Honey showered in my honor were an extension of her own sincere feelings about me.

This is me freaking out locals at the pool as I smash my 2 year old son’s knees into water after hoisting him up high in air, again and again.

Breaking baby.

More convincing pump fake.

Baby Samuel headbutts the sky.

Typhoon alert part 2.

INT. POOL
English Kid
Your baby looks like a girl.
Do It All Dad
Yes, my son without make up is hotter than David Bowie minus being overtly glitzy creepy.
And Eddie Izzard is gross, make up on or off, Piers Morgan included on or off the Telly.
There’s nothing worse than the Kindle kid take away scream.

I thought Kelly Osbourne made entitled bitchery sink to new deplorable lows on Fashion Police.

My mom in Tahoe warping reality again over the phone.

In Tahoe, I always think of our time here with you and Natalia.

Before you disinvited us 2 kids later because my stay at home dad of shame didn’t warrant a family retreat.

Diversity is our strength. Like Michelle Obama invited Joan Rivers to the White House for Sponge Cake to break her Yom Kippur fast, she hulk scowl please.

Diversity isn’t always great because me marrying a gentile, resulted in my unhuggable cunt mother in law force feeding communion wafers down my Jew blood infused kids behind my back, which isn’t kosher in our book Michelle.

INT. HOME
Do It All Dad
I always get. Your daughter looks like your twin. I reply. Yeah, once, I grossed out my daughter and said, “My DNA is all over your face.”

Younger brother’s future in-laws laugh long time.

EXT. BARBEQUE
Brother’s Future Father In Law
I respect your tenacity.
Do It All Dad
Your mom admitting in a letter she’ll never show an interest in your writing career propels your love of joke slinging into ridiculous speed.

INT. HOME
Honey
This Pixar movie had this sensual love making scene on a beach in Cuba.
Do It All Dad
Saying adios to Burt Lancaster’s hairy spine was a welcome relief.

Honey laughs long time.

INT. HOME
Brother’s Future Mother-In-Law
Move the flowers out of the way, so I can stare Michel’s handsome face.
Do It All Dad
My younger brother isn’t dealing well with me being your dream celebrity lay in the making Honey.

INT. HOME
Wife
The kids are sun burnt to a crisp.
Do It All Dad
Their skin is being burnt alive as we speak despite me using lotion twice. But you nit pick because you hate I how entertained and bonded with your 3 kids during a heat wave without you.

INT. LAKE CLUB POOL
Old School Cool Jew
There’s ways to prevent unwanted pregnancies.
Do It All Dad
I never mastered the art of the pump fake. All my dad taught me was a half formed hook shoot.

Old School Cool Jew laughs long time.

Michael Kornbluth

American Squad Bashing=Calm Feeling

Does Baby Face Omar text Obama for what Toni Morrison or Maya Angelo quote to use next? Yeah, I don’t see Norah Ephron making Obama’s final cut either. Take a hike Susan Rice. Living in the Big Easy doesn’t make you black enough.

The impromptu send her back chant was hilarious. Some patriots did something about expressing their hatred of baby face Omar, no big deal mang.

Baby Face Omar calls for economic sanctions against Israel while comparing the Jewish homeland to Nazi Germany. Can someone show this bitch Schindler’s List already?
She’s like Obama’s subconscious teleprompter come to life.

INT. Doctors
Nurse
Lactaid pills won’t work on your daughter.
Do It All Dad
After 2 decades of cocaine abuse, my brother now blames his stomach issues on Land O Lakes. Failing to reign in his redneck hick side has nothing to do with it.

My younger brother being passive aggressive. Barbeque is a good idea, you should let Jane’s dad grill. Just like I should let you in my house after you tainted our old couch with a used condom to prove your scumbag marks?

The resistance can call Trump supporters Nazi’s 24/7, celebrate ANTIFA for attacking ICE buildings and Marines. But Trump and his supporters are the violent, hateful side, because they told Obama’s dream love child to f off, sounds fair to me.

When Trump won, I prayed for them to build a wall around the strip clubs in Montreal. So Lena Dunham wouldn’t scare away all the clientele. Are you telling me the bouncers in Montreal wouldn’t be tempted to send hipster rollage back?

My wife ruining everything again.
But you’ve already done a gazillion podcasts. I was talking about promoting my books on other people’s podcasts with bigger reaches like How Dad Made A Porno without tapping his wife for inspiration.

INT. DOCTOR’S OFFICE
DOCTOR
The #SendHerBack chant was disturbing.
DO IT ALL DAD
Why, is Baby Face Omar insisting Jared Kushner whipped the audience into a frenzy by using his mind control, Jedi Jew tricks?

Mayor Pete calls Trump supporters committed racists. Because chanting Omar go home, whose a Muslim Brotherhood infiltration wet dream come true means Trump voters hate all Muslims, even the moderate ones who condemn Terrorists acts for a change.

Memo to Donny Deutsch:
Just because you’re a dog lover, I can think of more creative ways to express your affection for them than insisting the Bomb Squad are good boys for dehumanizing the Holocaust for social justice cred points on Twitter.

If Trump voters are no different than white supremacists. Then, why don’t any pledge their allegiance to ANTIFA? Yeah, black dudes and Hispanics aren’t in ANTIFA dude. Plus, white anarchists aren’t playing street ball in Sanctuary Cities either.

If all Trump supporters are committed racists, then why don’t you hear go back home to Kenya chants erupt at Trump rallies? That’s right, we can’t prove that because all his records are sealed and nobody on record met Mr. Charisma at Columbia, my bad.

Our allies believe we’re outright racists now according to Alec Baldwin. Israel named a community in the Golan Heights after President Trump. The Brits jail truthers of Muslim grooming rape gangs, Germany is Germany and France is fucked. So what difference does it make?

INT. HOME
Wife
Forgot to tell you but I’m having lunch with Liz at her favorite restaurant in Chappaqua.
Do It All Dad
Don’t puke up your shrimp cocktail if Cankles waddles in.

Do It All Dad fakes barfing.
2 year old son laughs long time.

Memo to Dan Le Batard:
Jemele Hill called your President a Klansman. Baby Face Omar refuses to condemn Al Qaeda. Trump passed prison reform. Jim Brown got his back. You’re a mush brained, overrated, witless, Muslim Brotherhood endorsing hack.

Memo to Dan Le Betard Part 2:

President Trump has instigated a racial division in this country? No, Obama, academia, rape wood & ESPN hack blowhards did. Showcase any glimmers of cutting wit or new idea formation and I’ll give a shit about your opinion mang.

INT. BOOKSTORE
Worker
How are you?
Do It All Dad
Annoyed at random Grandmothers on the street vocally expressing their stupefied bemusement at how happy my 2 year old boy is compared to their sour puss seed.

INT. HOME
Wife
Forgot to tell you but I’m having lunch with Liz at her favorite restaurant in Chappaqua.
Do It All Dad
Give my best to Huma Licker Breath. Tell her tough shit about Lolita Express Stein being denied bail.

INT. HOME
Wife
Forgot to tell you but I’m having lunch with Liz at her favorite restaurant in Chappaqua.
Do It All Dad
Dining in Hillary Hammer Time Cankles country is less appetizing than Omar modeling in a Head and Shoulders commercial.

Send her back is actually a pro Jew chant, which I don’t see Baby Face Omar being pleased with anymore than her colleague AOC singing Beastie Boys at Karaoke by mistake.

INT. BAGEL SHOP-NY
DO IT ALL DAD
Baby Face Omar jokes are no go areas in bagel shops now? Good work though letting the Jew hater runt divide, conquer and occupy our alleged last safe space sanctuary to put as at ease.

Michael Kornbluth

 

Fake News Happy For Me

Fake news is an expression now. Actually, it’s a fact based, truth enshrouded reality.

Ban ICE. Because caring about Homeland Security was so weapons of mass destruction years.

Friendly reminder, Baby Face Omar described 911 as “something happened.” Like it was a forgettable Edward Albee play off Broadway.

I hear they’re doing a remake of Three’s Company based on the bomb squad Freshman congressman called, Allah’s Avenging Angels. Because they’re are all virgins I’m assuming, except for AOC cranked up on high grade coke in college.

I’m happy for you means I’m all out of manufactured pleasantness in your honor.

I’m happy for you means your dad’s shoulders collapse in shame when you hug your dad for a reason.

I’m happy for you means you lucky, unworthy, spoiled piece of shit.

I’m happy for you means mom and dad are making your younger brother feel like the unintended, unwanted defect again.

I’m happy for you means your dad is fake news Bob Dylan deep.

I’m happy for you means you’re an idiot for thinking our relationship is a shining example of love supreme.

I’m happy for you means you fail the friendship litmus test.

I’m happy for you means they don’t think you deserve anything that’s jealous inducing for them.

I’m happy for you means not really.

I’m happy for you means your mom is rudderless without Snoopy giving you less generic lip service.

David Crosby, you know Garfield in the yard, having to follow Neil Young used to be so hard. Thinks Trump has no restraint. But Trump’s never drank, smoke or did coke when it was free liver spots. Baby Boomer arrogance never dies because of you.

What does USA captain Megan Rapino tell a lesbian Trump supporter at the Cubby Hole bar in the West Village?

I wouldn’t lick Ivanka clean with toilet water from detention camps if Michelle Obama was guaranteed victory in 2020.

Trump stokes white nationalism.
Was the Klan under their sheets depressed for 8 years when Obama was president? Do Popes normalize pedophilia decade after decade? Still, make Nazi Germany great again wasn’t his campaign slogan Judd Apatow.

All the media has done for 3 years is divide. How is this division problem Trump’s fault exactly? Did he write a golden shower fantasy tale to give Obama loyalists the right to spy on his campaign for opposition, German porn research?

Hillary on Megan Rapinoe as Secretary of State.

What difference does it make? I’m getting booed at Billy Joel shows at the Garden. At least backstage Stevie Nicks flirts with me and says “Tell me lies, tell me sweet little lies.”

It’s hard to feel like a distinguished self-published author on Amazon knowing that Jeff Bezos profits from books such as The Jew as World Parasite. But I’m sure you’re new main squeeze loves you for your unbiased dirt rag Jeff.

Trump haters love to anoint themselves as the more respectful party yet they’re the ones who’ve ruined the old world charm of the NBA, NFL, Hollywood, rock & roll and all forms of gatherings with friends and family for 3 years straight.

Do I think everyone should be created equal? No, I don’t, especially anyone who thinks ANTIFA is on the side of right. Because you want white boys on crystal meth cracking Trump supporters heads on your behalf, you dumb ass crackers.

My parents are fake news hippies because they’ve lived in Arizona for 8 years as self-satisfied, smug east coast retirees, Bob Dylan evangelists and not once been to the Grand Canyon. Drinking warm chard before it cools is strike 2 against you mom, no offense. Instructing the DJ to stop playing the Star Spangled Banner by Jimi Hendrix at my wedding to close out the night during my wedding party in a beautiful sculpture garden outside of Woodstock is strike three against you Dad.

INT. Car
Wife
When you were in Vegas I got the kids in bed early every night.
Do It All Dad
But your parents were here for 2 out of those 3 nights. And your mom’s boring by English banker on holiday standards.

INT.KOHLS
Worker
At weddings you’re supposed to sit on the side of immediate family.
Do It All Dad
So my mom and dad seating themselves on the bride’s side means they only care about family separation for illegal aliens.

Michael Kornbluth

The Racist Word

USA Team captain, Megan Rapinoe could run for office?

What would her campaign slogan be?
Bring back the L word to Netflix Obama. You’re are only hope.
Drag Queen library reading hour can make Bette Midler great again. Before she based her world view on Unibrow Maddow.
Free sashimi lunches for Olympic hopeful muff divers.
Make Sarah Silverman funny again.
Pussy riot safe spaces when Ivanka becomes the 1st female Jewess president in 2024.

 

At the supermarket I get 2 tall boys of Throwback Pinner IPA’s because they were 2 for 5 among other reasons. Checking out I say to the grocery clerk. You don’t know what a pinner means because you were born with a vape pen in your mouth.

Deblasio’s wife was a lesbian before they got married. But were supposed to believe Garlic Breath converted her? He eats pizza with a fork and knife. But burying his beak into her slippery snatch is a plausible theory to digest.

Bill and Hillary Hammer Time Cankles got booed at Billy Joel during his MSG show. Because in his eighties prime Billy Joel’s biggest hits were considered lullaby music for Republicans by our Jack Black nation.

The birthrate in NY is at an all time low. Lena Dunham’s frumpy, quadruple rollage look getting a ridiculous amount of encouraged love on Instagram isn’t helping. Also, foodie hipsters are porked out already from meat sweats.

The birthrate in NY is also at an all time low because you never hear any Taylor Swift songs about guys who pass out mid thrust inside her Tootsie Pop treat because Millennial Mouseketeers don’t drink.

If Michael Jackson were alive today, what would his defense be? Beatles royalty points can’t buy me love.

My 1st parenting stance was only exposing my daughter to Woody Allen films which came out pre-Soon Yi. And only playing Michael Jackson songs from the Jackson 5, so my pedo star ban stance is more black and white.

I wonder if Dave Chappelle feels like a less sanctimonious twat for jerking off the genius of #RKelly in his Netflix special. While also using the Emmitt Till story to fabricate more fake news bullshit racist charges against Obama’s better half.

If President Trump doesn’t grant political asylum to Tommy Robinson, I don’t see him doing to dick to prevent big tech from silencing voices highlighting what the rape enablement party has become, sorry.

Bonding with the locals at Harvest Moon Cider bar.
Here’s some primo weed. I like to prove not all Jews are greedy, demonic scumbags like Bernie Madoff. Oh, I dropped a quarter. I’m not going to slip my vertebrae for it, thanks.

Oh, so you’re a comedian, that makes sense. For a moment, I thought you were just on really good coke. And was a greedy heeb for not once offering me any, my bad.

Met a hippie musician who used to bang a girl who danced in a cage for Kid Rock shows. She was so enrapturing she almost ripped his life shooter out of it’s socket. She dumped him. Moral of the story is Kid Rock cage dancers can break your heart.

INT. HIGH SCHOOL
Do It All Dad
Volley Ball trophies, division 1, not bad.
You know Samuel, Daddy lived in Hermosa Beach for a bit. Sand scattered hard body navels abounded.

Janitor passes by and laughs long time.

Pelosi isn’t a racist because she claims her grandson sees only pinata colors in the heart of the barrio holmes.

Russian bots pushed fake news fro Kaepernick to take a knee. I thought Michelle Obama pushed him down in that direction, with her never been proud to be an American bullshit until her husband let ISIS run wild and usher in 2.9 GDP growth.

Michael Kornbluth