September 27, 2001
Dear David Mamet,
Guns don’t kill people if the FBI actually had a school shooting quota to fulfill. As if their pensions, book deals and shooting the shit time with Jack Tapper were riding on it. The FBI should be banned from Starbucks, if they don’t follow up on the next school shooter lead. Coffee should be for closers, not for fake news do good posers, in FBI windbreakers. David Mamet lives. Can I get a holla, for some Challah?
Writers like you, Ayn Rand and Charles Bukowski have helped inspire me to make a semi enviable living off the page, so thank you. Or else I never would’ve received the pure thrill of writing The Great American Jew Novel, a midlife reinvention comedy tale about a Bashert daughter who becomes her unemployed dad’s talent agent to help make his do it all dad year come true. Diane Sullivan from the Midwest Book Review said, “The Great American Jew Novel exceeds in a hilarious New York exploration of the world of comedy and Jewish culture”, which isn’t a chopped liver praise for laugh yanker centric intended material either.
I’m contacting you because you’re only the only super Jew left in the biz who doesn’t suffer from Trump Derangement syndrome for starters, which has somehow gotten worse since the day Democracy died. It was impossible for me to block out your book The Wicked Son, when I was attending a reformed synagogue service in Ridgefield, CT, where my son Arthur Morrison Kornbluth, had his Hebrew naming ceremony prior. I chose the name Jermiah, because Muslims are cool with that Jewish prophet and I wanted to provide my son with natural immunity against charges of Islamophobia, in case of any his future woke classmates listen to any of my 31 comedy records posted on Soundcloud, inundated with various sparkling gems such as, “A 2 state solution is impossible, if Hamas keeps fucking.” Don Rickles lives. Challah, thank you very much.
I thought of your take on the Sunday Bacon Jews, because the woke rabbi in Ridgefield, CT, who sold his soul to the P.C police used expressions like Trumpism and dared to use COVID and the Holocaust in the same sentence. As a result, I wrote a last-minute chapter addition about this experience, which lead me to a Conservative synagogue in White Plains NY the following day, for my new book The Koshertarian Comedians, which is a story about getting my children excited about embracing the Koshertarian diet from the more laughs and yummy dances I get. Various agents have praised the heartfelt funny in the book, but it’s more than just a stand-up yuk attack to.
I know you can’t read any unsolicited material, so I’m being sneaky Jewy about it and sharing with you my favorite comedy record recorded this summer, The Koshertarian Offensive Attack, to prove you’re not the last self-loving Jewish New Yorker at heart after all. A comedy manager referral, preferably a Jewish one with balls, who could embrace a practicing Koshertarian Comedian who’s never shied away from a good Hillary Hammer Time Cankles joke, would make a great early Hannukah gift to.