Your wife is a sensitive sleeper.
Then, get her a guided meditation app for hardcore rap.
Pop more melatonin bitch.
Or I’ll pop my broom stick in your ass.
You crazy eyed bitch.
Your wife is a sensitive sleeper.
Then, get her a guided meditation app for hardcore rap.
Pop more melatonin bitch.
Or I’ll pop my broom stick in your ass.
You crazy eyed bitch.
8 billion later, you’d think Zelinsky could spring for a new shirt.
Now, I know why they call them army fatigues.
Biden won’t trade for Brittney Griner because he’s a dude.
He can’t tell if he just shat his pants again.
But Hair Plugs Sniffer can still sniff out a payback opportunity from 11 times zones away.
Flowers show whether your sorry or not.
A florist caught me staring.
She says, “Can I help you?”
I say, “I’m still deciding how sorry I actually am.”
I add, “Am I really sorry about sighing after my wife told me about blowing money on a cleaning service after only getting my LinkedIn Recruiter account installed at work on Friday? Wife says, “It shouldn’t make a difference to you. It’s leftover birthday money from my father.” “Yeah, well it’s definitely not from leftover commission money that I earned from you father’s H1-B referral when I started to work for Robert Half after he became a grandfather 2 times over. I would’ve had an easier time selling a Bollywood Musical to Mindy Kaling about a MAGA mom who launches a Desantis Bobble Head Doll business to pay for her daughter’s hate speech voice lessons called Midnight Bus To Martha’s Vineyard, than making a placement fee off that guy.”
Fuck Marc Maron for becoming a blowhard, sell out Hippy hack like the rest.
Triple vaxed Maron is like Neil Young minus the comedy gold records.
Because it’s hard not to laugh at Neil Young records these days.
When his idea of political activism these days, is bitching on Twitter about canceling the Joe Rogan Podcast.
Young, he’s a bigger stoner than you are dude.
He does DMT into forties for Christ’s sake.
So, let’s not act as if Rogan is conducting secret mind control experiments for the military industrial complex on broke trust fund babies in the sixties reduced to eating stray cats behind Poo Poo Porks on the backstreets of San Francisco.
So, Rogan interviewed a doctor on his podcast who said, “The vaccine works less than Obama does on his fade away jumper.”
Because if Obama was such a baller in high school, then why did he ride the bench at an all-Asian private school in Hawaii?
But seriously how much did Obama ruin everything, including Hawaii, the NBA and Marc Maron’s podcast career?
Roseanne Barr refuses to add hazel nut creamer to her coffee because of Obama now.
Since she got fired from her own show for making fun of Valerie Jarrett.
Who isn’t Corrett Scott King last time I checked.
She’s the Muslim’s Brotherhood’s dreamy love child, who cooked up the Nuke gifting Time Out Deal with Iran.
After pushing Obama Be Good to lift sanctions and grant Iran 2 billion dollars in unmarked bills to create more overseas manufacturing jobs for Build A Bear.
To make the Iranian economy less reliant on the sale of hair removal products for the Kardashians.
Valerie Jarrett only lived with Obama and What’s Talent Got To Do With It as their live in Arabian horse whisperer throughout his entire tenure of his anti-Israel administration, no big deal mang.
Shit, Obama hated Israel so much, he published Israel’s nuke launching codes on Medium, Al Jazeera Earth and on Illan Omar’s secret Gmail address used for her Muslim brotherhood ties at YourMamaObama@Gmail.com.
Obama ruined the NBA since it became a safe space for Lebron’s ego, which is extensions of Obama’s really, outside of him not tattooing on chiseled lats, “The Chosen One.” Who’s otherwise known as king of the persecution complex.
Who cares if Lebron got the idea of wearing a cast after Michelle threatened to break her arm in his ass, if he offered Beyonce Paul’.Newsman’s Lemonade over home homemade Kombucha again?
You know America has lost its rollicking edge when Steph Curry is on the cover of Rolling Stone, which is lamer than a young Cameron Crowe being on it.
If Steph Curry loses this year. Do you think Obama will scurry into his man cave in Martha’s Vineyard and console himself by munching on his secret stash of Almond Joy’s hid behind a giant box of Duct Tape from Costco?
Ever since Marc Maron interviewed Obama, he’s just become another unhinged Obama Be Good licker upper.
He never asked Obama.
What awards have you won that aren’t participation trophy ones?
Did you even win the Hawaiian Tropic Towel Boy competition in 86?
You couldn’t even win an Emmy on Netflix about climate change because Al Gore’s speaking career is still ice cold.
And why did you win the Nobel Peace Prize again?
All you did was rebrand ISIS, ISIL so they’d sound more startup friendly in the NY times.
That’s an Obama accomplishment to revolve a Presidential library with.
Eisenhower built highways and won the great war.
You ruined Hawaii, the NBA and my podcast career. You were so unlikeable towards the end; you made Trumpy Tits president like when all you did was fill in for the Messiah medium Jesus Freak from Connecticut in a Texas drawl and beat Mitt Romney’s power tie collection from Brooke’s Brother’s.
Last, my MAGA listeners left want to know.
Does Illan Omar text you what Toni Morrison to quote next on Twitter?
Let me guess.
Last time you said, “Don’t even think of quoting Ann Rice Omar. Living in the Big Easy doesn’t make you black enough bitch.”
Don’t you think baby face Omar gonna to work out is an antisemitic runt who doesn’t belong in Congress after marrying her cousin in exchange for US citizenship status?
How does she celebrate Holocaust Remembrance Day with your boy Farrakhan? Post termite Emoji feeds in Elie Wiesel’s old Twitter feed from dawn till night? But include the hashtag, “ButNataliePortmanisalright.
For the anniversary of Amy Winehouse’s death, did you push Illan Omar to tweet, “Something happened to a devil horn hiding, beehive sporting hypnotist Jew bitch, who exploited the great Palestinian Song Book for all it was worth.
Rocking Maron lives, Challah.
Thank you very much.
Set List: New Work Banter, Nitpicky Lame, Year Without Beer Film Premise, Selectively Suspicious, Qatar Rocks, Big Pharma Blues, Headhunter Writer, Lame Love Lives.
How are you doing today?
All of a sudden, I feel like Billy Madison reentering the workforce after being a stay-at-home dad during Covid.
Doing my best to block out how my wife tried to pack me a Quaker Dewy Chips bar for work.
But my father hates the term stay at home dad. He prefers Sheltered Bum.
Harboring more screenplay fantasies is off the list.
Halfway into Tarantino’s book Cinema Speculation, Tarantino pauses to point out what a foaming racist Dinero’s character is in Taxi Driver, before he started popping off at the mouth on the View, looking like Betsy Ross falling apart at the seams.
If Travis Bickle was such a lone nut racist, then why stop halfway with the Mohawk Quentin?
Doesn’t Travis invite a black chick out for a date who works in a porn theater in Times Square?
“So, if your Great, Great Grandmother was good enough for Thomas Jefferson. I wouldn’t mind pursing happiness through titty blasting bliss with you sis.”
In the book, Tarantino even goes out of his way to tell us how Harvey Keitel couldn’t find a white pimp throughout New York City to study under, yet Travis Bickle doesn’t hesitate to blow away this wannabe wigger. It’s not as if Travis Bickle gets cold feet at the last second and thinks, “Wiil this kill be applied to my quota when I apply for the Grand Dragon’s new opening in Hell’s Kitchen next month? That’s being advertised in the back pages of the Village Voice under the classified section ad for Ethnic Cleanser Cleaners needed, that reads, “Colorblind Vigilantes and Shaft wannabes aren’t allowed.”
Travis Bickle even admits to taking black riders in his taxi, while most of his fellow taxi drivers don’t.
And don’t you think Taxi Drivers of all colors have earned the right to be selectively racist? Meaning taxi drivers of all creeds, are allowed to be more selectively suspicious than others.
“Wow, this is a pretty big tip. I don’t do drug run drop offs for Frank Lucas, just because I’m dropping you off in Harlem dude. I actually prefer the bigger hipped sisters. What, only Lou Reed gets to cruise for some brown sugar around these parts like a Midnight Cowboy from Long Island.”
Just because Travis Bickle shoots a black guy robbing a liquor store, I wouldn’t call him the second coming of Ed Buck. You know, piece of shit, Democratic fundraiser who’d cruise for black homeless dudes in West Hollywood only to drug them to death with Crystal Meth while trying to get some drugged out love in the process, forget about it.
Countless lives lost, 2 billion dollars of damage later, post summer of love, in honor of George Floyd Appreciation Century. God forbid you be selectively suspicious of those who shout racist. When they don’t charge elitist white cucks in positions of power in the media and big tech and government for being selectively racist when they broadly brush MAGA country as a whole as racist, mongoloid morons who refused to get blood clots from vax shots that work less than Russel Westbrook running the Triangle Offense.
I’ll reserve the right to be selectively suspicious of more woke tard bullshit, whenever I want Quentin thanks. Like how on Joe Rogan, you played dumb about your film patron Harvey being a serial rapist. Look, I get it, Quentin, Disney wasn’t financing your next project. But at least, fess up and say, “I wanted to make more films and looked the other way. And close with a hard-hitting slashing joke.
“But at least Harvey’s wife finally left him after 12 years, to focus on her lifetime battle with Amnesia.”
Selectively Suspicious, Challah. Thank you very much.
Can I move to Qatar? You don’t have to worry about getting your Android phone rammed up your anus hole outside of Grand Central at 2 in the morning. Then again, it’s my year without beer, so I wouldn’t be in a desperate dash to catch the last train heading back to Westchester.
Thug Lives Matter Most knocks out the lushy, disgruntled ad executive for Ogilvy and Mather with just one viscous right hook to the ground. Ad Executive crunched up on the sidewalk in noggin swelling agony says, “I can hook you up with a SAG card you know. Our biggest account is Optimum. All you need is proof of vaccination, and I’ll hook you up with commercial work for them. J.B. Smoove makes Tracy Morgan sound like Sidney Poitier.”
Thug Lives Matter kicks his teeth into the pavement and says, “Fuck Optimum, they won’t let me watch individual Knicks games on NBA TV in Yorktown Heights unless I subscribe to Optimum or get MSG through Direct TV. And I only do the Cloud motherfucker. Kayne for President, you media hording heeb. And fuck your Truvada commercials on Hulu. I don’t want to see that whack ass gay shit while babysitting my sister’s son during commercial breaks after Lego Masters. With no bail laws you can’t be in jail long enough to get HIV induced hemorrhaging now. It doesn’t matter if I sell dimes or bricks of H. “
So, you can’t tongue some random bloke’s balls during a match between Mexico and Poland during the World Cup. Aren’t those games standing room only anyway? Plus, what self-respecting gay guy would book a trip to Qatar after watching the Sex In The City movie, blotchy old hags on the rag with nothing else better to do since the United Arab Emirates and China bought up all the primo posh real estate left in Manhattan that’s skunk weed smell proof. Outside of those apartheid imperialists in charge of Israel, isn’t being gay the number one cause of death in the Middle East after suicide bombing and heart attacks from rock throwing paralysis after getting booster shots in exchange for more nudie pics of Jennifer Love Hewitt in the dressing room lot for Disney Kids coupled with Brittney Spears sandy clean snatch. Singing summer loving, having a blast till his good rock throwing arm goes limp from the clot shot and has to switch jerking with his left, assuming he’s got any juice left or decides to become a kite surf instructor for John Kerry and his new world order friends to pump that family fortune for all its worth.
1st word today kids.
Corrupt, something that rots from within.
Think of ancient hipster hacks like Patrick the musician.
Who thinks blowing off mama’s birthday early for band practice in his late forties is a jealous inducing hook.
Who thinks doing Enya cover songs on riverboats along the Hudson makes us in touch with the beautifying divine and dream alive hip hearts in us all.
Who thinks being in a band with a bunch of pharma tech developers and designers gives him the anti-authortorian edge to break on through to the cover of Rolling Stone in the sixties in no time. Then again, Steph Curry is on the cover of Rolling Stone these days, which is less rollicking than a young Cameron Crow being on the cover of Rolling Stone.
If you had a conflict with what drugs you were pimping big pharma websites for, you’d quite your job.
Yeah, and Dice would go soft on Neil Young on his podcast.
You ever want choke Joni Mitchell with one of her hippie haggard shawls to shut up long face Horse tooth for good?
Leaving your wife who survived cancer for Daryl Hannah is in poor taste, don’t you think Young? You going through a post midlife never banged a mermaid crisis or what?
You were scared during the height of Covid, Young? Didn’t you used to share heroin needles with Harvey Millk? You were scared of getting an itchy esphogus from Covid Young? I’ve been puffing Marbalo Reds since my twenties and my lungs feel great, since my bud Ari Shaffir turned me on to edibles and the weed pen; but you get the gist.
Not one big pharma company has spoken out against the clot shot.
Not one big pharma company has condemned the pushing of opiods in our coutry that have killed more crackers in this country than Taylor Swift kicking it with Lena Dunham on Instagram.
Not one big pharma company has come to the defense of Eric Clapton confessing to experiencing temporary paralysis in his playing arm strung by the All Mighty by taking the Covid vax shot.
Not one big pharma company has commented on Justin Bieber’s frozen face or Katy Perry’s droopy eye twitch in Vegas or how the craziest thing about soccer is how my fellow Ameeicans still expect me to give a shit about soccer, World Cup or not.
The LA, Philly title game was the craziest thing that ever happened in soccer. I thought midfielders dropping dead midfield at a hard 30 from blood clot induced cardiac arrest through the operation death speed did the trick, my bad.
Flourish, to kick ass and take names, think Kari Lake once she teams up with Linda Hamilton and takes down The Dominion Machines, that being the new Skynet for good.
Fluky, think any hired hack replacement on Comedy Cental to replace Trevor Noah on the Daily Show, assuming he remains Bruce Springsteen’s gimpy bitch message boy for life. Insisting how all his blue collar fans 3 decades ago were n bomb dropping hicks, who only tolerated Clarence Clemon’s operatic, spine tingly sax work on Jungleland because jungle is in it and the song is West Side Story meets American Me meets New Jack City.
Just don’t call voter ID fair and inclusive. How else are you going to tell MS13 apart with all that shit on their face?
Practicing conflict resolution.
Samuel, don’t hit your brother in the spine when he’s not looking or you’ll paralyze him like Van Damne’s brother get’s paralyzed by the braided pony punk in Kickbocker. And when your paralyzed from the waist down, you can’t derive any prolonged merriment from futzing around with your schmeckel spot anymore. If you’re lucky your brother would feel a whiff of butt wind after going butt liquid in his pants but that’s it. You don’t want you brother in a wheelchair because he intentionally scared you in the morning by pretending to be a raccoon on the loose again, do you? Last, stuffing you in the trash and duck taping you in there with raccoons and your butt liquid nappies would be times worse, don’t you think?
Son says, “Stop stealing my butt wind, butt liquid jokes, Moron Jewish Son. Eat my butt rice, Challah. Thank you very much. And Patrick’s son is more boring than Patrick. Is that why you accuse his mother of micro dosing to make her kid more interesting because he takes after the father?
Big Pharma blues, Challah. Thank you very much.
Your LinkedIn connects are very sexy. I plan on pumping the Fin Tech ones for all their worth, assuming there’s any money left.
So my LinkedIn bio is written in the 3rd person like Kenny Powers. All men can’t be created equal, Challah. Thank you very much.
You have to check out the pilot for Tulsa King, Sly Stallone at 75 is better than ever in it. His performance makes up for sneaking Mel Gibson into Expendables 3. And for chucking more mango gummies at his suckalicious wife on a lazy Sunday afternoon in Beverly Hills.
“Hey Model Tits, it’s not about how hard you get hit, its about how much you can take and keep moving forward away from the gummy edibles store on Rodeo Drive that only sells high end Hawaiian, that’s how winning is done. You know the new edible store on Rodeo called, Sticky Icky Rich Bitch. That has a paywall made out of JR Smith’s abs in your wildest pot powered dreams. How can you expect our model daughters to follow your lead if you have less munchie control than JR Smith? The Cavs banned Blunted from conducting anymore topless interviews after games because he was high enough already. Glad we had this chat. Now let’s pose for a pic on Instagram holding hands, pretending I never chucked mango gummies at your head like your the second coming of Rebel Wilson before giving Harry Styles some pegtastic love from behind during Coachella. What, that fat bitch had to shred her fat suit one way or another.”
Hitting with my best shots, Pat Benatar lives, Challah. Thank you very much.