Killer Set for 3-3-23:
Love Jaw Lament, Funny Jew Bone Forever, Prince Of Promiscuity, War Drums Inside, Blackmail Pics Unnerving, Woody Killers.
Controlling My Kids With Comedy
Killer Set for 3-3-23:
Love Jaw Lament, Funny Jew Bone Forever, Prince Of Promiscuity, War Drums Inside, Blackmail Pics Unnerving, Woody Killers.
Do It All Dad fails at servicing boring.
Set List: Joyous Jiz Jangle, Sketchy Screener Test, Squeamish Cell Carcinoma Talk, Maui Wowie Mania, Selectively Suspicious, Over Faking Happiness, Big Pharma Blues, Happy Birthday Israel.
November 15, 2022
Dear Ramona Pina,
Waste Of Height, Really Short Stories is a comedic showcase of flash fiction stories that’s made for these punchline topping times. I wouldn’t mind being translated in France and beyond. According to my Soundcloud stats, I’m huge in Lahore, Pakistan. These stories are rooted in real life struggles yet also flush with magical realism within the crossover adult space, which is why I see this material hitting the sweet spot for you.
My target audience for Waste Height are members of Gen X, who do more than audiobooks and the Joe Rogan Podcast. Who will relish my pop culture heavy references throughout Smackdown Satan, When The Shredder Frets and in Radioactive Resume Theories. Understand, I don’t shy away from media criticism in middle age reinvention tales such as Trucking To Zion and The Zamboni Artist.
Being a busy mom of 2, I can you see you gravitating toward do it all parenting tales about wanting to raise drug free children in Regaining That Cuddly Feeling.
Other stories of interest that are reflective of my queer leanings include Slut in Straight Jacket, Busted Beauty and Perverted Science.
Waste Of Height, Really Short Stories, is broken into different story sections: Stand Up Short Stories, Do It All Dad Stories, Funny COVID Stories, American Made-Up Short Stories, Stand Up Staffer Stories, Sloppy Second Stories and Do It All Dad Does Kid Stories. I incorporate every genre from magical realism, The Headless Headhunter, YA, Trading Birthdays and absurdist adult humor, Hop Farm Footsie Scare of 1859.
I refuse to have Louie yuck up the space for funny man adult stories involving hyper articulate children, especially when his kids choke on my kid’s star dust, long time, all the time, Judd Apatow’s included. Challah, thank you very much.
I’m looking forward to your reply.
Art Show USA was no ordinary Wishing Well Architect. He designed a Wishing Well for Bill Gates’s daughter after buying her a horse farm in North Salem, NY, only to clog it on purpose with Planned Parenthood brochures in honor of dad who used to sit on the board of Planned Parenthood for making such a splash as a baby part reseller on the open market (otherwise known, by pro-life activist groups, as the Million Dollar Fetus Flicker Man).
Art Show USA was a perfectionist artist. His Do It All Dad Michael Kornbluth, now a famous comedian author with a standup residency at MGM Grand in Las Vegas, would always encourage his son’s inborn artistic flair; yet all his gorgeous, pitch-perfect son would hear afterwards, in semi-kidding fashion, was: “So you think I suck because…”
Every student teacher evaluation for Art Show USA was a pure joy to receive, for his Do It All Dad, because he got an extreme kick out of some teachers, like his first grade one, Mrs. Rudolph, who would bemoan, in a begrudgingly huffy manner, “We all know Arthur is a great artist,” only to rub in the harsh fact that teachers teach and birth less talented offspring for a reason.
Do It All Dad always pounded into his eldest son’s cranium, “Art sells, baby,” which always stayed with Art Show because he was haunted by early memories of his mom threatening to divorce his Dad if he wrote one more book and didn’t get a job at Trader Joe’s in Danbury, CT.
So, his Dad doubled down on himself and wrote not one but two more books, without advertising the fact to his wife until he scored a lit agent in Israel with his book The Koshertarian Comedian. And the rest is star-studded history.
Art Show made his first million from a lucrative birdhouse-making business called “Bird Baller Cribs,” from only taking one woodworking class. He sold them at various farmer’s markets throughout Brooklyn, Manhattan, Woodstock, and in Kingston, NY, while his mother sold flowers with Art Show’s big sister from their new estate farm in North Salem, calling her flower truck “Green Thumb Girl.”
Do It All Dad’s favorite birdhouse creation was his Kiss-themed one, that rocked a giant-shaped bed similar to the one lead singer and main songwriter Paul Stanley lies on amidst an endless sprawl of busty, blond beauties in his Kiss lair in Beverly Hills (I’m assuming).
The best part of this birdhouse creation was the giant Gene Simmons tongue extension bird feeding line, containing a sprinkling of some homemade CBD oil-marinated granola as more high-flying blue jays and cardinals licked it up; oh, oh, oh.
Art Show USA cares plenty about wishing wells, because ever since he could remember, he’d wish for his Do It All Dad’s books to succeed (because “Art sells, baby.”).
The new and improved wish, after his Daddy finally scored a lit agent started his standup residency in Vegas and got into SAG for a film to co-star in with Russell Brand and Vince Vaughn called Too Tall Comedians, was for his dad to finally part with his precious time-release Adderall, despite his claims of writing like a Jewish angel on the stuff. Reality is, Do It All Dad was an incredibly fast-talking New Yorker to begin with, even on high-grade weed. So, he didn’t require any speedy thought enhancement; ever.
On Do It All Dad’s 45th birthday in Woodstock, NY, he took a mini-hike in the woods with his son, Art Show USA, only to bump into a wishing well along the way. Do It All Dad gave his son a customary quarter to make a wish with, although this time Art wished his Dad would become convinced he’d become a big-time author comedian success on or off the stuff, period. Plus, he knew his Daddy off Adderall would focus less on how annoying Mom can be with her phone during Adam Sandler Appreciation Night at home, again and again.
Daddy was better off writing all day, performing at night, and taking some weed edibles or a celebratory puff from his cherished green, in addition to an IPA or two, after another highly rewarding day at the office, for making the most of his God-given gift of comedic song.
Art Show USA’s latest and greatest wishing well creation was made in Central Park near the Great Lawn in the big city, the place of his birth like Do It Dad before him (which they both derived tremendous localtarian pride from, knowing the Island of Manhattan is what dreams of doer/topper success are made of).
The wishing well was named Do It All Dad Dumper, a tad longwinded name, even for Do It All Dad’s tastes. Still, the symbolic heft of this name wasn’t lost on the New York adoring public, especially after the Today Show did an unveiling of Do It All Dad Dumper, where a line of Do It All Dads followed Do It All Dad’s lead and dumped whatever pill, powder, drink, or strain of dumb, dumb weed they felt was preventing them from flying high off their kid’s glorious presence alone.
Do It All Dad beamed with endless nachas (pride, in Yiddish, derived from the reflective successful glow emanating from offspring who stem from your Do It All Dad tree’s trunk).
Do It All Dad picks up his son with excitable boy glee and gives him a 360-degree airplane spin for old time’s sake, despite Art Show being 6 foot 5, now, and twenty years old. Art Show USA shrieks for untapped joy like he was seven again. Do It All Dad continues to spin and says, “Teenager in love is all grownz up, and he’s all grownz up. Are you too special to be real? Are you too special to be real?”
Art Show USA shrieks with more love-blasting joy and says, with pitch perfect comedic timing, “Are you saying I suck, because?” Do It All Dad laughs a long time, wishing that even his worst enemies got to experience Do It All Dad bliss like this.
“I can’t believe you didn’t cry at the end of Rudy!” Dr. Tearjerker says. Fred, a bald, bearded, stumpy forty-year-old recently remarried furniture salesman from Nyack, NY replies, “Was I supposed to cry? It’s just a movie, doc.”
Dr. Tearjerker takes a deep breath to compose himself and says, “I think you’re incapable of experiencing joy for others.”
Matt the furniture salesmen replies, “How you can say that from only talking with me now, after I paid you 300 dollars an hour to watch Rudy for the past two hours?”
Dr. Tearjerker says, “My sports movie crying therapy bought me my house in Nantucket, a spacious 3-bedroom apartment on the Upper East Side on York, and a Victorian mansion in Mount Vernon, NY.
That’s Denzel Washington’s childhood stomping ground, by the way, and I’m not a Long Island hack like yourself. That’s how I know, motherfucker.”
Matt says, “Doc, take it easy. You sound like my ex-wife already, and we just met. Look, I’m only here because I just got remarried; yet my kid from my previous marriage is already causing a strain on our marital relationship.
“All the melatonin gummies in the world can’t help my daughter sleep better at night, regardless of whether she thinks my new wife was pretty enough to replace Mommy or not.
“My new wife hates how I can’t cry at the end of schmaltzy, happy movies like Rudy, too, and questions whether I really want to have a do-over baby with her, after all.”
Doc says, “What the did movie Rudy make you think about?”
Matt says, “I don’t know, doc. How Vince Vaughn let his looks go to shit? I was never too into Sean Austin Green’s melodramatic lisp, regardless of whether The Lord of The Rings franchise was huge for his career or not.
“I thought about my Dad spending more time watching the Knicks stink up a joint, as a kid, than helping me develop a halfway decent hook shot or believable pump fake, in the post.
“I thought of how my parents reserve their most emotive cheerleading efforts for my younger brother, instead.
“I thought about the time my mom had me get her phone, which she left in my car, only to glance at a text for my younger brother to realize that she uses a nickname for me, Scoops, and for my younger brother, too.
“If your mom regifted a nickname to younger brother, the mama’s boy, because he’s always been her idealized romantic partner based on her sloppy slow dance display at his wedding, wouldn’t you have issues crying at the end of Rudy, too?” Dr. Tearjerker says, “How did that make you feel, to learn your mom uses the same nickname on your younger brother?
Matt the furniture salesman says, “It made me feel like a used furniture salesman; a nobody; an unwanted futon with bedbug bite marks after college.
“I’m open to more sports movie crying therapy, doc. I just want to start resenting my mother less than my wife.
“Since I became a dad, I started morning prayer; yet I’m worried about God taking my good fortune away, since giving me a daughter, because I don’t respect thy mother’s opinion on how and what I should be doing with my life when she’s barleying around to help with my kid in the first place.”
Dr. Tearjerker says, “Why do you resent your mother, besides her not being around to help with your daughter as much as you’d like?”
Matt says, “Whether I visit her in Florida or she visits me back east, she’s always sulking whenever my daughter gives me another jump hug. This saddens her because our bond will never be as close, I guess.
“Fuck radical empathy, Doc. My mom’s default sourpuss mode around my happiness-spewing daughter will always piss me off, more so than her misspelled texts inquiring about how I’m handling the weather back east after I regrettably text her another video of her granddaughter sledding on her Snow Screamer with hardcore funky smoothness from start to finish.
“Either you’re excited about your firstborn raising a girl who won’t turn into the cum bucket-drenched girl from the Fallen Angel video, or not.
“I get it, Mom. You really wanted your favorite to have given you a grandchild, instead, but he was too busy snorting coke for four decades straight, developing a mysterious stomach irritation out of the blue, and yet somehow blames it on being lactose intolerant.
“When all else fails, don’t look yourself to mirror or change your depraved ways. Just scapegoat fucking Lada Lakes. But I’m glad my mom decided to keep the crib for my daughter Matilda around their house in Florida to symbolize positive thinking and wish fulfillment at it’s finest. “And my wife calls me the unstable one for yelling at my mom the last time she visited, after insisting I get a maid, which I can’t afford, or that I express my displeasure with my younger brother personally for not acknowledging my daughter’s 10-year-old birthday whatsoever.
“Bet he’s got distracting demons to contend with; got it. All I know, Doc, is that my mother would never break into a constellation of canker sores over worrying on my behalf.”
Doc says, “Why do you resent your new wife? Didn’t you just get married?”
Matt says, “I love her, Doc, but it’s not my role to criticize my daughter so soon. Four years down the road, sure, but my daughter will be out of the house by then.
“So, if she chooses to live like a slob then, it’s her business, not mine. And no, I don’t want to get my daughter tested for ADD. I talk this much off Adderall, Doc. I actually stopped taking Adderall during my first marriage to focus less on how annoying my wife could be. It didn’t make a difference, really.”
Doc says, “Looks like our time is up.”
Matt replies, “So, what movie magic do you have planned for me next week, Doc? Remember The Titans, or Hoosiers, perhaps?”
Doc says, “So you feel nothing when Dennis Hopper fills in for Gene Hackman as the basketball coach after being found in his home, waddling in drunken squalor, before his son locks his beamish, proud, piercing eyes into his pa’s soul and says, “I’m proud of you, Dad”?
Matt replies, “I can’t believe you get paid for this shit.”
Doc yells, “Get out of my office. You’re banned permanently, you deplorable piece of shit.”
Dr. Tearjerker ended up in an insane asylum because his revolutionary sports movie crying therapy didn’t work on the furniture salesman from Nyack. This made him feel like a fluke and another vastly depreciated, average nobody, too, despite his own mother never reusing his nickname on his younger brother to project the aura of equally distributed, encouraged love.
Now Dr. Tearjerker sports a permanent straightjacket after trying to kill himself with a basketball pump needle once, during outdoor play. He spends all his days, now, in a white padded room, running suicide sprints with a look of extreme determination on his face and chanting, with increasing force, “Rudy, Rudy, Rudy,” only to add, “I still shed tears of joy for you, Rudy. And if I’m deemed crazy by New York State standards for deriving happiness from other’s people’s success through the silver screen or not, I don’t care. At least I know that I’m not among the walking dead, yet.
“Rudy, Rudy, Rudy.”
Matilda Singing Rose Kornbluth lived for play dates with her best friend from Columbia Shannon, who turned her on to Shakira despite her Do It All Dad insisting, at first, that “Shakira is a belly-dancing lounge act for Saudi royals on holiday,” only for his daughter to fire back, in her standard hot pitch, effortless fashion, “Actually, Shakira is the most downloaded artist of all time, and those stats don’t lie, Dada.”
Feeling good about being dejected in the presence of such all-natural sales star ease, Do It All Dad admitted defeat with playful, funny man charm by wrapping up a conversation he regretted getting into (for the most part) by now, saying back, “I wish Mama’s hips had concealed their ever-widening reality, already.”
Do It All Dad also operated an IT staffing business, Stand Up Staffer, from home, placing front end developers, graphic designers, and now-UX designers throughout the Island of Manhattan. On Stand-Up Staffer’s business card was a long stage hook like the one they would use at the Apollo on Amateur Night; except in this pic, a bearded Millennial Mouseketeer stick figure hipster in glasses is getting hooked off into the loving, saving, life-enriching arms of Stand-Up Staffer. The slogan for Stand-Up Staffer on the card states, “Been Talent Hooking Since Y2K,” before LinkedIn thought that leadership posts by Marc Cuban would make Jack Welch shake in his penny loafers, made out of Leprechaun gold teeth.
Do It All Dad was also a part-time, open mike comedian in both LA and Manhattan before Matilda was born, so his daughter, Singing Rose Kornbluth (otherwise known as Grace In Motion) was bound to absorb her father’s always-on, constantly pitching leanings.
When Matilda was only two, she could only string two words together, so her Do It All Dad would mold around those limitations, understanding the always-relevant adage “less is more,” especially when you’re in the pursuit of hooking a hiring IT Director’s interest in hearing about a hot-to-trot candidate over the phone out of the freaking blue, without making any contact prior or delivering a fumble-free first joke difference-maker, which determines whether you score a semi-respectable set with enough momentous, kickstarting oomph at another open mike in the East Village with five other struggling, aspiring stand-up comics stuck in their heads, rehearsing punch lines bound for comedic glory compared to your hack stabs at being professionally funny for five minutes straight at a time.
Still, Matilda would always shine in the scripted lines her dad gave Matilda to score laughs with, at two, so she grew up trusting her Do It All Dad’s stand-up sales wisdom even more each day, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Do It All Dad’s favorite routine at the deli back in the day, when Matilda was only two, was, “Hey, Matilda, what did Tyson Chandler give the Knicks?” And Singing Rose Matilda Kornbluth would take the nookie out of her mouth and say, “Bupkis, Daddy. Bupkis.”
When Matilda was five, her Do It All Dad enrolled his five-year-old in acting camp despite prolonged protests from Mama stating, with huffy, annoyed disgust, “But she can’t even read yet.”
Do It All Dad snaps back with, “We’ll watch Rocky 2 together, for pointers.” Then, the next summer, Matilda co-stared in fifteen or more commercials uploaded on to YouTube for his Standup Staffer business, which later led to her Do It All Dad scoring a retainer staffing fee to place a VP of UX Design for a new food tech startup, FOODIEFRIEDNFORLIFE, based in the NOHO section of Manhattan. It billed itself as a lunch matching service for single working professionals who wanted to network with new business contacts over a shared ribeye for two, knowing that your vegetarian girlfriend never would.
Plus, you could write off these pricy, big-deal-conjuring lunches as a new business development expense if you worked in B2B sales, account management for Madison Avenue, or as an Associate Editor for a major publishing business to woo literary studs on the rise who weren’t complete social spaz attacks off the page, who exuded more than 0.0 charisma off the page.
Matilda’s favorite commercial for Standup Staffer included the one called Blonde Power, where she plays a star UX Designer who’s worked for twenty companies in five years, stating, “I fall out of love easily, like Trump.”
Then, when asked why she decided to dye her hair blonde, Blonde Ambition says, “Guy software engineers prefer blonds, to feel smarter and superior. They’re nerds, remember? Plus, only ugly girls go to coding boot camp.”
So, Matilda was no stranger to performing and selling as she started the 4th grade, especially knowing that her old-school go-to line (whenever her dear dada used to pick up her from daycare in Scarsdale Village after working for the man Robert Half in Manhattan) was, “Can I get a treat, Daddy? I was fuss-free today—fuss-free.”
In short, Do It All Dad played a huge role helping transform his daughter into a supremely confident, effortlessly charismatic, logic-loaded, never too overtly wordy, dronish sales machine. As a result, it pissed off Matilda to no end when the Girl Scouts Of America denied her entry after se admitted to marching in the annual Israel Day Parade with her dear dada because it was insensitive to Arab Scouts in their troop (despite their alleged secular, wholesome girl-nextdoor leanings; despite there being a Planned Parenthood abortion referral fee patch in the works since full term abortions in New York State became Kosher in the empire state’s eyes under Governor Cuomo’s all-knowing watch, otherwise known as a cold-blooded Italian Reptilian, inside).
Matilda fumes to her best friend Shannon over the phone about being denied more primo face time with her friend through the Girl Scouts Of America, saying, “Israel is not the country who fires rockets into their neighbor’s backyards, expecting nothing more than an Edible gift basket in return. Hamas terrorists in charge of their government are supposed to be trusted partners in peace, eight days a week, my chest.”
Matilda’s also admitting to ‘Dude Looks Like A Lady’ being her most liked song on Spotify didn’t warm her up to the Girl Scouts Of America, either, especially since the Boy Scouts started admitting girl men like Juno into their ranks, too.
Matilda Singing Rose Kornbluth was intent on revenge, now, for being denied more face time with her best friend in the universe, and launches Standup Sitter Club, an accelerated sales camp for kids which unmasks the power of cold calling for those interested in scaling their babysitting business to the next level.
Because of that, the head PTA mom calls for a sit down with Stand Up staffer who runs his own IT staffing firm from home, who gave his daughter the idea of recruiting burnt-out goodie-two-shoes from the Girl Scouts Of America in the first place. Matilda started Cold Calling Camp seminar lectures with lines such as, “Smartphones Don’t Come With Balls To Make Cold Calls For You” and “You spent enough time on your ass doing more remote learning from home. The first rule of the Standup Sitter Club is: no chairs when cold calling.”
Now the head PTA mom in charge of her local Girl Scouts chapter calls Stand Up Staffer to demand a sit down, threatening to report his daughter to the better business bureau for unfair recruitment practices, since Matilda’s Cold Calling Camp For Kids Camp depleted her group dry by offering commission-heavy rip profits.
‘Babysitter’ sounds so passé. Matilda’s stable network of enterprising babysitters were rebranded on LinkedIn as Creative Play Consultants.
Stand Up Staffer meets the head PTA mom at a local coffee shop and says, “You can’t knock my daughter’s Cold Calling Camp For Kids. The only way to get ahead in life is to cold call yourself into stranger’s hearts.
I wasn’t introduced to my wife of ten years through a friend. I didn’t swipe her over to my lap at a new cider bar opening in the east village. I didn’t overcome my zero confidence, shyness stutter from a fancy internship connection to the agent training program at the Creative Artists Agency. I didn’t break through the soul-destroying, mentally crippling door of dependence on my parents to pay rent for my apartment in West Hollywood through being bequeathed some cushy IT Account Manger role to wine and dine IT Directors who worked for wine distributor behemoth Southern Wine and Spirits, to secure more job orders to fill, without having to throw my balls on the line in the service of winning over the trust of new clients through sheer audacity and relentless, houndish delight while minimizing my sprinklings of spamish overtones until I became more polished inbetween.”
Stand Up Staffer adds, “More importantly, your daughter Maya is making money at Standup Sitters, earning hefty referral babysitter fees up the wazoo.
“Also, let’s not depreciate your daughter’s increased ability to listen better due to her hardcore cold calling camp training. That makes it easier for her to bear drawn-out conversations with you with more emotionally present awareness and concern the next time you start moaning on about your immovable belly rolls three kids later; or how life offers rapidly depleted meaning once your daughter outgrows the need for Mama’s nurturing hugs as you pop open another boozy mommy seltzer again, for head-lightening relief.”
PTA mom says, “If I can’t knock the cold call, then can I hit you in the face really hard, once? It might turn you on, actually.”
Florida and Anti-Semitism are so hot right now, Biden not so much. Too bad Hunter won’t profit from the Infrastructure Bill to pay for the reconstruction of his deviated septum.
Biden got the most votes of any presidential candidate in U.S History. Yeah, and Michelle Obama didn’t piss on the ceiling fan in the Lincoln Bedroom before Trump was sworn in, only for The Donald to say to Melania seconds later, “Is this what She-Hulk meant, when she said, “When they aim low, we aim, high?” Holla, thank you very much.
Imagine Obama on election night with Michelle, when the final vote tally came in. Wait a minute, we had to wait for that. Ok, so when the final vote tally was accumulated allegedly, after every Dominion employee scrubbed their LinkedIn page with the ruthless of precision of Corn Pop rubbing against Biden’s leg hair for good luck, to make it out of the hood, looking fit and trim again, doing something more constructive with his time than binge. DMX lives holla, thank you very much. Finally, Obama barks at the TV, “White Collar Joe broke my record Michelle. Can you believe this shit? Even after you strong armed Jack into kicking Trump off Twitter.
Biden getting more votes than me is like DMX giving up weed for catnip.”
Rest in Peace DMX, your growlish flow was the best. And nobody barked more killer rhymes, wearing such searing scarred truth on his chest.
Party it up in rap heaven, positive Tupac will have plenty of blunts rolled for you already after cleaning out the local 7-Eleven.
When you order a Triple Espresso, you’re tripling down on productivity. Last time, I ordered a double, I made a decision, only triple espressos moving forward, because my wife circumcises my happiness enough already.
If your mom rejected your connection request on LinkedIn. You’d live to score laughs from strangers for a living to.
My mom is from Kentucky, but not the part, where finger food is anything that tastes like your cousin’s panties.
Mom told me once, “Son, Kentucky is known for horses and pretty woman.” I said, “Keep your Sundress on mom. Before you tell me Dad is hung like Seabiscuit. And the reason you converted to Judaism is because Dad’s Hebrew Hammer pounded you into submission. Because the honor of marrying into Dad’s putzy DNA wasn’t enough for you to kick Jesus out of your heart permanently either.”
“I’m the mother of your 3 kids” is a copout, whenever I call my wife a bitch again. When you become a mother, it doesn’t prevent you from becoming an unhuggable cunt like my mother in law again. Just like becoming a Grandpa, doesn’t ensure you’ll turn into fucking Santa Klaus over night either. For example, for Christmas one year when my daughter was 2, my father in law got her a toy chest with no toys in it. My daughter acted confused, not knowing if this was a sick, practical joke or not. So I ease her concern and say, “Don’t sweat it Matilda. When we get home to New York, will fill it up with your 8000 Hanukkah gifts. And if I’m in a more forgiving, generous mood, I’ll throw in some Jesus Apostle trading cards to prove the Bible Part 2 matters plenty to 2 billion large to.
Mom just texted me a black and white picture from Easter with her sister yet it got weird when she pushed for my daughter to see it. Because this is coming from a woman who went out of her way to shame my gentile wife during my daughter’s conversion mikveh ceremony, who told the Rabbi there, “I’m the daughter of the biblical Sara, unlike my bitch daughter in law, who was never that into Jesus in the 1st place either.” I text back my mother and say “I was born on Easter as you know mom. Plus, my friends called me Jesus when my hair was thick and long in college. Plus, I’ve been called a delusional madman for criticizing fake news heroes like Obama Be Good, so I share that connection with Jesus to. Last, Matilda drew this in the sand yesterday. It said, “I Love Jews.” My mother never acknowledged her granddaughter’s artwork in the sand. But that’s what happens when you start worshipping fascist Democrats over you know who.
I don’t like older Deadheads because they got to experience free flowing love with busty Italian girls in the parking lot of Giants Stadium before Magic made HIV disappear. I had to settle for either dry humping induced zipper burn in college or feel nothing condom sex, which is the equivalent of having to exchange silky smooth lining for plastic covered seats. A guy knows when a condom breaks because he immediately starts to coo, “Wee, wee, sex is fun again.”
I especially don’t like older Deadheads wearing Grateful Dead masks at the grocery store because they’re not dropping acid in those dancing bear masks for 3 hour drum solos on ACID at MSG Square to see Grateful Dead and Friends. I don’t care how much masked deadhead woman bat their eyes to John Mayer with a mask on looking like a longhaired Long Ranger in Tie-Dye in disguise.
Imagine a Masked Deadheads who suffers from anxiety, being slipped ACID by a new age Merry Prankster at MSG, requiring you to wear the mask at all times, except between more puffs of increasingly necessary calming green. Once the double of dose of ACID kicks in, the Masked Deadhead says, “Fuck CDC guidelines. If I could survive Altamont and the Hell’s Angel’s nearly beating my skull into the middle earth, I can handle an itchy esophagus no problem. Besides, I’ve been spoking weed out of out a metal bat at Dead Shows for five decades straight and my lungs feel great, holla, thank you very much. “
It’s hard to remain calm when I see a Baby Boomer in a Grateful Dead mask today. They never had to greet their kids off the bus wearing masks, looking like Michael Jackson’s adopted ones on holiday in Bahrain. All these Masked Deadheads did was use their cushy positions in the media, government and academia to push lawless policies, which turned LA and San Francisco and now Manhattan into overrated, overpriced ten cities sponsored by REI.
Masked Deadheads are fake news hippies like my retired father who hasn’t visited the Grand Canyon in 9 years since retiring to Scottsdale, Arizona, to take up jerking off to the Weather Channel every winter and playing tennis with Dr. Ken, who claims my father’s forehand has never been stronger.
Took my daughter to her 1st Dead show and she says, “Daddy, why are your eyes red? I said, “The THC content in these edibles have unmasked my pothead eyes.”
My daughter’s 1st Dead Show was days after her 2nd Birthday. She points at dinged up looking hippie sucking down a nitrous balloon and inquires, “Birthday”? I say, “No Matilda, Burnout Day.”
It’s hard to plan for kids, when you’re pothead who forgets to ask your girlfriend if she’s on the pill. Although when my wife told me about being pregnant with our 1st child Matilda, my response in my mind was. First, stress how it’s her decision but then push for the abortion and don’t be a pussy about it. Still, at the time it was impossible for me to write off my daughter in the making as a zombie zygote whose spirit could be brought back from the dead by getting my girlfriend now wife, accidently pregnant again in a NY Minute again, no problem. The moment my wife announced she was pregnant with our 1st of 3 kids, I couldn’t be blase about pushing the Unplanned Parenthood, family man, extermination plan.
Do you think Michael Corleone would push Kay to get an abortion if the ultra sound revealed their kid in the making was a gender fluid hermaphrodite? Kay says, “It’s a hermaphrodite Michael. I know you really wanted a boy to carry on your scared Sicilian seed. I’ll just book a contract hit with Planned Parenthood tomorrow. Don’t bother sending a car for me. I’ve seen how that movie ends before. You had no problem ordering your goons to blow up helpless Fredo, so stop acting like giving me the green light to take out a hit on your own flesh and blood doesn’t sit well with your soul anymore. Besides, how does a hermaphrodite as the head of the five families even work? Do all the other thuggish killers in Armani come into The Gender Fluid Godfather’s office to kiss her cock ring or just suck off her latest wallpaper collections of gender fluid pink zit recipes in Pinterest??
Vermont must change their state logo from the Green State to CBD Oil only. Bernie Sanders couldn’t even make Vermont great for potheads on vacation.
I drop weed edibles about an hour before I tuck my kids in to avoid my daughter’s super hard questions on it before they kick in. Once, edibles kicked in earlier than usual and my daughter says, “Daddy, if God created the universe, then who created God?” I say, God went back in time in a Time Machine, made by Elon Musk.” She replies, “Real convincing Daddy. Thanks for making an atheist at 4.”
Did you know 4/20, Earth Day for Potheads because it’s an herb that grew wild around King Solomon’s grave, is also Hitler’s birthday? Total bummer right man? I haven’t been this let down since I learned how Sly Stallone snuck Mel Gibson into Expendables 3.
And this is my impersonation of Ziggy Marely being interviewed by High Times magazine? Reporter says, “Ziggy, your dad had a dozen kids. Isn’t excessive ganga use supposed to drain your life blaster and ball sack dry? Ziggy Marely says, “Fake News man.”
I really don’t like Baby Boomers wearing Grateful Dead masks because they’re acting like this freedom killing reign of COVID terror is campy fun like touring with the Dead during summers past. I only wish I could dance in the grass to the Shakedown Street again throughout the Bethel Woods great sprawling lawn without any mask mandates anymore to kickstart the 1st of many burning mask parties this summer, able to sing with final chapter closed authority, “What a long, evil revealing trip, it’s been.”
Last, I’m sick of hearing certain Baby Boomers proclaim, “We’re all mad.” Unless, you were drafted to fight in Vietnam, I don’t give a shit about your alleged discomfort post COVID asshole. Generation X, that being my generation, had to endure the nagging, adolescent of fear of contracting HIV, multiple recessions, 9/11, the media’s perpetual white washing of the Jew hating squad and our kids being forced to wear masks in school as if we’re living in some sick, twisted version of Pink Floyd The Wall, except this time only the CDC, Fuck Face Fauci and China get final cut. Jew loving Roger Waters lives, thank you very much.