The Coronavirus Birthday Special

Enough with Trump’s name on the checks. His name has been all over fucking New York City forever, pre-smart phones, 9/11 and Magic making HIV disappear. Stop acting like this a radical new departure from the past already.

Biden can’t remember the name of the #coronavirus or recall the year 9/11 happened. But Obama endorsed him because he was stoned watching Weekend at Bernies with Colin Kaepernick thinking, the CIA is pulling his strings anyway. We got this no matter what.

Everything is made in China, ventilators, the #coronavirus, Hunter Biden’s cocaine slush fund. But Trump should be impeached for questioning the source of those sketchy ties. Hunter thought he was getting paid to sell a new borscht sports energy drink.


Trump should put his name on all the body bags Leslie Jones? Yeah, 1st, you’re so not Wanda Sykes, so strop straining. 2nd, Obama let Chinese made fentanyl kill more crackers than Taylor Swift kicking it with Lena Dunham on Instagram. You better recognize.


Any hack celeb or politician who blames dead fathers, brothers, sisters and daughters on the big bad blond wolf versus blaming the Chinese who mislead the world about the #cornoravirus are batshit crazy pieces of shit. Their careers belong in body bags.


Non Essential Late Night Bombers

Seth Meyers doesn’t want CNN to broadcast Trump’s #coronavirus briefings. What would Seth Myers prefer? Nancy Denture Breath Pelosi playing with her teeth, fidgeting like a boozehound deplorable whacked out on diet pills like it’s the State of the Union again?

Trump’s #coronavirus briefings are the mere projections of a rambling psychopath? What does Steve Colbert’s ardent defense of John Podesta’s pedo installation art, perverse enough to make Marilyn Manson blush have to do with it?

How are Trump’s #coronavirus briefings propaganda sessions? All he’s doing is pointing out how much the media sucks for giving China more leeway than Biden’s 4 decade streak of little girl fondling and hair sniffing for chocolate little bunnies.

Is Obama going to be giving his virtual college commencement speech to the college class of 2020? Would this make Michelle proud of her technology literate husband? Whose powers of engagement on Facebook are inferior to Diamond and Silk these days.

Trump is using his #coronavirus briefings to only attack his critics. Wrong, that’s just the media’s big takeaway because for 3 years their precious, constantly impaled, zero respected egos feel less essential for the common good than ever before.
You’re better off not watching Trump’s #coronavirus briefings. Then, stop obsessing about the big, blond wolf blowing your precious moral high ground to shreds, to justify your pathetic, parasitical, click bait, commie red sucking off existence.

Trump’s #cornoravirusus briefings are only used to attack his critics. Unless, you’re going to die alone in a hospital bed or have to wait for a proper burial for your Uncle Saul until morgues have enough room again, shut the fuck up, you useless, bickering cunts.

So if I don’t think Trump is an off the rails, bullying pyschopath, then I’m not into my mother as much as Seth Meyers.

Our state of the union more than ever before is like Stephen Colbert’s handle on funny these days, shaky.

It’s too bad Bill O’Reilly is no longer important enough to impersonate.

At least Bill O’Reilly gave Colbert gravitas.

Michael Kornbluth

Can’t Enough Of Social Distancing

No more Indian woman on the cover of Land O’ Lakes. How much can you scalp a Land O’ Lakes carton of butter in my parents fridge from 86? I have a bookie friend who used to sell peyote to Craig Carton, who’d like to know.

Just when I think my wife is beyond annoying lately, my younger brother’s wife got her beat. Her take on GI Joe action figures. They’re so nationalistic. My parents were pacifists. So they don’t consider ANTIFA Punisher wannabes as forces of good?

Religious fanatics on the right and atheist coastal elitists all suck and ruin dinner parties for everybody. But nobody highlights this undeniable positive result of social distancing. New Chelsea Handler tit pics don’t count.
I’m regretting hiring my younger brother’s wife to teach my kids since the #coronavirus hit. I don’t care if I finished my Great American Jew Novel already. I have to endure, so what else are you doing for your birthday besides getting your kids gifts?

Brother’s tutor wife driving me crazy again. Bush is the reason why you never hear about trade schools in high school. Yeah, I don’t recall Obama sucking off Joe the Plumber either.

It’s only been 1 month for those working from home yet parents who normally work in an office away from their kids all day couldn’t be more restless. Are your kids that much more horrible than you are? Is that Trump’s fault to?
My son’s Kindergarten video teacher conference taking an ugly dark turn. Do you have anything to share Arthur? My dad hates Disney because they own ABC and did everything in their power to discredit #Pizzagate. You should’ve backed off bitch.


He was a permanent fixture of my youth and heir apparent to Mean Gene, minus the whiskey marinated voice. What a storied, action packed career, who had been everywhere man. Sleep tight maestro of the play by play mike.

Give a birthday card or shut the fuck up. So you’re just getting your kids a bunch of gifts for your birthday? I gave myself the month of April to write the Great American Jew Novel to shame my gentile in-laws for force feeding Eucharist on my kids, which is big.

Michael Kornbluth

Batshit Nancy

My mom insists she’ll be coming back to NY to see her 3 grandchildren back east in June. Hold on Mom, are you telling me Dad is annoying you at home that much? To just throw caution to the wind and say, “Fuck it, Trump’s going to win anyway.”

Trump took insufficient action denture breath Pelosi? When he issued a travel ban on China, you were too busy stocking up on Chunky Monkey, you China slobbering whore. James Corden has more self-respect in the mirror than you bat shit crazy bitch.
Where were these genius Scientists calling fake news bullshit on China for claiming the #cornoravirusus wasn’t contagious through human transmission? Let me guess, sucking off the fart fumes of Obama’s legacy of sucking off atheist hero Stephen Hawking.
What #cornoravirus warnings did Trump ignore again? Wasn’t it Bird Brain DelBlasio while fumling with his chopsticks in Chinatown who told New Yorkers to get a grip? Even a showy putz like Ed Koch could hold on to chopsticks for the cameras.
Learned from my wife about Bill and Hillary dropping off Pizzas at her hospital during the #CornavirusOutbreak. No sushi, Hammer Time Cankles? With your pay to play charity foundation kaput, it’s hard to play the elitist Robin Hood of Westchester County, huh?
Everything with the Democrats today is life and death. Under Obama’s so called leadership, ISIS ran wild and he nuke gifted Iran 150 billion on his way out the door. But Biden being chummy with #coronachina should put American’s security concerns at ease.

Siding with China is siding with the Nazi’s, Bloomberg, CNN and every piece of shit US senator who blames the 10,000 deaths of my fellow New Yorkers so far on Trump’s racist travel bans, shipped hospital beds and pushed for financial relief checks, you feckless cunts.
Blaming Trump for the #CoronavirusOutbreak is like blaming Warren Beatty for giving Aids to the Monkeys.

Fuck anyone whose collecting a paycheck from home, reduced or not. Getting to spend quality, bonding time with their kids, who still bitch about “civic duty” to their so called friends, who must hustle outside the home to pay their rent, you ungrateful cunt breaths.

Michael Kornbluth