The Greatest State Motto Reset Ever

I think it’s time to reset America’s 50 State Mottos to match these progressive minded times, starting with Vermont, “The Green State”, which should be changed to “CBD Oil Only.” Bernie Sanders couldn’t even make Vermont great for Pot Heads on vacation.

Delaware should change it’s motto to, “Your Nazi Gold Is Safe With Us.”

Nebraska, “You’re Fired Bruce. I Will No Longer Call You The Most Boss With Unquestioned Authority. Move To Australia Once The Supreme Court Rules President Trump As The Clear Victor Among The Millions And Millions, Who Weren’t Caught With Their Hands In The Ballot Boxes Stuffing In More Votes For Liver Spot Littered Joe.”

New Hampshire, “Eat More Edibles And Fade Away.”

Kentucky, “United We Stand With Nick Sandman.”

West Virginia, “Alec Baldwin Thinks He’s Better Than You.”

Arkansas, “Hillary Hammer Time Cankles Isn’t Fooling Shit.”

North Dakota, “Liberty And Union Sitting In A Tree, But If BLM Is In Town To Chant Fry Piggy, Piggy, Fry, Chances Are You’re Packing, So You’re Not As Inclined To Flee.”

Massachusetts, “Self Hating Jew Town USA.”

Hawaii, “Fuck Surf music and Mike Love To.”

Alabama, “Where Have You Gone Josh Lucas?”

New Mexico, “Were Good Enough For Val Kilmer.”

South Carolina, “Spanish Moss Rules Everything Around Us.”

Wyoming, “Trigger Free Star County.”

Tennessee, “More Sweet Tea Dear.”

Oregon, “Tracks Of Tear Gas Tears.”

Mississippi, “The Delta Force of Rock.”

Colorado, “I Can’t Breath And This Incredibly Strong Dispensary Grade Weed Isn’t Helping.”

Rhode Island, “BLM is Coming For Our Mansion Museums 1st.”

Pennsylvania, “Amish Lives Matter If You’re Amish.”

Georgia, “Dr. King Was Inspired By Zionist Jews CNN.”

New York, “Not So Jew Friendly Anymore.”

Minnesota , “911 Is A Joke, EY!”

Texas, “Bad Assess For A Reason.”

Oklahoma, “Labor Conquers Watching The Corn Grow with all the Children of the Corn Tweaked Out On Crystal Meth These Days.”

Iowa,  “World Renown Short Story College Workshop.”

Connecticut, “The New, New York.”

South Dakota, “Dead Presidents On My Mind.

Virginia, ” George Washington’s Bitch.”

Kansas, “Danny Manning Could’ve Been The Black Larry Bird.”

Ohio, “Big Ten Beauties On Top Galore.”

New Jersey, “Born In Anthony Bourdain’s Hometown.”

Michigan, “Kid Rock Country.”

North Carolina, “Beauty Queens Bliss.”

Missouri, “Sultry Southern Comfort.”

Louisiana, “Give Me Some, Swamp, Swamp music.”

Montana, “Bigger Than Japan According To Wikepedia”

Illinois  “Birthed The Belushi Brothers.

Idaho “Potato Farmers Slinging Mad Weight To McDonanld’s B.

Washington  “Nirvana For Grunge Music For A While.”

Florida, “Gotta Love It.”

Wisconsin  “Cold Cow Country.”

Maine “Bar Harbor is Our Left Bank Bitches.”

Arizona, “Desert Bliss.”

Nebraska, “You’re Fired Bruce. I Will No Longer Call You The Most Boss With Unquestioned Authority. Move To Australia Once The Supreme Court Rules President Trump As The Clear Victor Among The Millions And Millions, Who Weren’t Caught With Their Hands In The Ballot Boxes Stuffing In More Votes For Liver Spot Littered Joe.”

Indiana, “Larry The Legend Still Lives Here.

Alaska, “Inhaling Salmon Long Time.”

Utah, “Pristine Air.”

Maryland  “Play Me Some Terrapin Station.”

California “Criminally Insane In The Membrane.”

Michal Kornbluth

Rough Riding Biden

Florida and Anti-Semitism are so hot right now, Biden not so much. Too bad Hunter won’t profit from the Infrastructure Bill to pay for the reconstruction of his deviated septum.

Biden got the most votes of any presidential candidate in U.S History. Yeah, and Michelle Obama didn’t piss on the ceiling fan in the Lincoln Bedroom before Trump was sworn in, only for The Donald to say to Melania seconds later, “Is this what She-Hulk meant, when she said, “When they aim low, we aim, high?” Holla, thank you very much.

Imagine Obama on election night with Michelle, when the final vote tally came in. Wait a minute, we had to wait for that. Ok, so when the final vote tally was accumulated allegedly, after every Dominion employee scrubbed their LinkedIn page with the ruthless of precision of Corn Pop rubbing against Biden’s leg hair for good luck, to make it out of the hood, looking fit and trim again, doing something more constructive with his time than binge. DMX lives holla, thank you very much. Finally, Obama barks at the TV, “White Collar Joe broke my record Michelle. Can you believe this shit? Even after you strong armed Jack into kicking Trump off Twitter.

Biden getting more votes than me is like DMX giving up weed for catnip.”

Rest in Peace DMX, your growlish flow was the best. And nobody barked more killer rhymes, wearing such searing scarred truth on his chest.

Party it up in rap heaven, positive Tupac will have plenty of blunts rolled for you already after cleaning out the local 7-Eleven.

Michael Kornbluth

Losing Your Religion

When you order a Triple Espresso, you’re tripling down on productivity. Last time, I ordered a double, I made a decision, only triple espressos moving forward, because my wife circumcises my happiness enough already.

If your mom rejected your connection request on LinkedIn. You’d live to score laughs from strangers for a living to.

My mom is from Kentucky, but not the part, where finger food is anything that tastes like your cousin’s panties.

Mom told me once, “Son, Kentucky is known for horses and pretty woman.” I said, “Keep your Sundress on mom. Before you tell me Dad is hung like Seabiscuit. And the reason you converted to Judaism is because Dad’s Hebrew Hammer pounded you into submission. Because the honor of marrying into Dad’s putzy DNA wasn’t enough for you to kick Jesus out of your heart permanently either.”

“I’m the mother of your 3 kids” is a copout, whenever I call my wife a bitch again. When you become a mother, it doesn’t prevent you from becoming an unhuggable cunt like my mother in law again. Just like becoming a Grandpa, doesn’t ensure you’ll turn into fucking Santa Klaus over night either. For example, for Christmas one year when my daughter was 2, my father in law got her a toy chest with no toys in it. My daughter acted confused, not knowing if this was a sick, practical joke or not. So I ease her concern and say, “Don’t sweat it Matilda. When we get home to New York, will fill it up with your 8000 Hanukkah gifts. And if I’m in a more forgiving, generous mood, I’ll throw in some Jesus Apostle trading cards to prove the Bible Part 2 matters plenty to 2 billion large to.

Mom just texted me a black and white picture from Easter with her sister yet it got weird when she pushed for my daughter to see it. Because this is coming from a woman who went out of her way to shame my gentile wife during my daughter’s conversion mikveh ceremony, who told the Rabbi there, “I’m the daughter of the biblical Sara, unlike my bitch daughter in law, who was never that into Jesus in the 1st place either.” I text back my mother and say “I was born on Easter as you know mom. Plus, my friends called me Jesus when my hair was thick and long in college. Plus, I’ve been called a delusional madman for criticizing fake news heroes like Obama Be Good, so I share that connection with Jesus to. Last, Matilda drew this in the sand yesterday. It said, “I Love Jews.” My mother never acknowledged her granddaughter’s artwork in the sand. But that’s what happens when you start worshipping fascist Democrats over you know who.

Michael Kornbluth

Hamas Hates Nuance

I text my mom photographed images from my 9 year old daughter’s report on the Holocaust called The Terror Of The Holocaust, which included a plethora of killer subtitle headers to, such as A Terrible Form Of Hate, Monster In Charge and Don’t Blame Us! And I add the killer one liner for the ages, “Don’t post the report on Facebook or else Hamas will accuse you of hate speech.” Holla, thank you very much.”

Biden is sending new aid to aid Palestinians since AOC served Andrew Yang’s balls to him in a Mai Tai on the rocks.

Fuck nuance. Palestinians elected terrorists in charge. The only difference between Palestine and America is that we didn’t elect a terrorist enabling scumbag to cut Palestine a blank check to finance non-stop terrorism against Israel as long as members of Hamas, the PLO and Hezbollah keep fucking. Holla, thank you very much.

Kids can’t be terrorists. What do you call ANTIFA? Elderly wannabe Punisher vigilantes in hoodies. Holla, thank you very much.


Also stop acting like you give a shit about Ramadan. Arab terrorists started something called the Yom Kippur war against Israel in 1973, on the most holy day on the Jewish calendar with the intent of wiping Israel off the map forever. The only difference now is you have social media to make worldwide antisemitism go transparently viral in real time you Hamas lover you.

Michael Kornbluth

Just Shoot For Shit

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Check out this episode!

The COVID Joke Truth Serum

The COVID vaccine is so useless, not even George Steinbrenner would give Steve Howe’s degenerate younger brother back in the day another shot at big leagues pay.

The COVID vaccine is more useless than trying to snuggle your wife back into her good graces again.

The COVID vaccine has less magnetic power than the Elephant Man show room at Michael Jackson’s house.

The COVID vaccine is desperate for love like a stay home dad around his bi-annual visiting parents.

The COVID vaccine has an urgency problem. Unvaccinated people are in a greater rush to fly Spirit Airlines to Cancun.

The COVID vaccine offers zero ROI, besides fleeting self-satisfied smugness before you learn, it’s keeps COVID away less than wearing a mask at Obama’s 60th birthday.

The COVID vaccine is a bigger bust than Lebron on the Lakers without Uni Brow Davis to bail out the King of Taco Tuesdays at the Staples Center again.

The COVID vaccine offers less box office appeal for our Chinese master overlords than Shia Labeouf.

Big Brother is more into COVID control, than keeping you comfy and warm.

The COVID vaccine is like Courtney Love. You can’t trust that bitch’s integrity either, despite the album Live Through This being Billy Corgan’s finest work pre Mellon Collie Sadness.

Michael Kornbluth

COVID Babies

The only good thing about the never ending shit show post COVID is learning how to trim my own beard. Then again, I don’t see any relocated barbers from the Taliban sweating social distancing guidelines while using their heirloom machete to trim a little brain off the top.

Truckers in Australia are planning a strike to end this COVID driven tyranny that’s turned the land down under into a nanny police state mate. God, please inspire Stallone to reprise his role as a truck driver arm wrestler in Over The Top for a commercial on YouTube with his arch nemesis Bill Hurley where they join hands in solidarity in front of an American flag calling for American truckers to do the same. Assuming, they can guarantee Ashton Kutcher servicing them at trucker stops with the trucker hat turned backwards to make room for more big gulps of working class hero privilege. John Lennon lives, holla, thank you very much.

Biden pushing the COVID vaccine again on all of us poorly informed, unvaccinated people. Mr. Groper says, “Pfizer’s COVID vaccine just received FDA approval. You take their boner bills right? So, stop being so headstrong about the repeat prick every 6 months and suck it up buttercup. It’s big brother’s world now, you feckless cunts. You’ll need to double up on your Lipitor and blood thinner treatments after I give MAGA country cardiac arrest with more Taliban gift bags from Airforce One to hijack your next local school board meeting near you. You thought your kids wearing masks was a a suffocating inconvenience? Try Sharia sanctioned law by machetes and Russian confiscated AK-47’s motherfuckers.”

A reporter asking Biden how many Americans are left in Afghanistan.  How many cigarettes are in a pack of Camel smokes Joe, after Hunter’s gone through one eight ball too many? How many more aces do you have up your sleeve Cool Hand Luke? Fine, straight to the harder hitting questions then, how many Americans will meet their maker in Afghanistan Joe? Come on man, if Hunter was president, I’d expect him to blow off questions regarding dereliction of duty to snag more blow to get up for some more blow painting but not you Joe. If you’re such a good guy Joe, then why didn’t you tell Hunter to cut out creaming into his dead brother’s widow seconds after the cremation ensued? Fuck this job, I’m getting in shape to become a Peloton instructor, they don’t teach live classes anymore, so I won’t have to get the vaccine shot right? Did you know some Peloton instructors make up to 300 grand? No wonder why they’re so fucking happy riding bikes to such shitty Fleetwood music. You can’t be arrested for hate speech if you’re a Peloton instructor in London for leading a Cat Stevens artist series on Yom Kippur either. Imagine a Peloton instructor dropping dead from the COVID vaccine shot on a live feed. Would you keep riding through the pain of not pushing yourself to burn through those remaining 200 calories left to burn for the remainder of your leftover 10 minutes in motion? So, you could enjoy your beer after your Peloton ride guilt free, soon after? Yeah, me to.”

A groomsman at my wedding almost 11 years ago is about to have his 1st kid. I want to be more excited for him considering the circumstances, but at least he lives in Florida. So, he’ll never have to see his kid come off the bus with a mask on looking like Michael Jackson’s adopted kids on holiday in Bahrain. Plus, my groomsman bud voted for Trump to. So, I can see him pushing his future daughter into getting artificial insemination one day. Because he won’t like the idea of any penis ever entering his daughter. Then again, look how Hillary turned out. Still, how will COVID babies be taught about Kamala Harris in US history class down in Florida in 4 years exactly when she becomes President in 4 weeks? Teacher says, “They call her Pearl Necklace Harris for a reason folks. She’s actually part Indian, and part Jamaican. Her ancestors owned slaves in Bob Marley country. Plus, she was born in Canada. So she’s an all over the place, unhuggable cunt really. Who never had any business sitting her fat stanky ass in the White House Oval Office, until we the people took the power back and DeSantis killed off the rhinos by starting a brand new Burning Mask Party, which gives Trump a heart attack for not patenting that killer political party name to slap on schmatta looking hats sooner. Then, the Trucker’s union in America went on strike over forced mandate shots, brought our economy down to it’s knees, after a nationwide voting audit proved Dominion machines are more evil embedded than White House assertions of any stranded Americans wanting to stay in Afghanistan as hostages because they really want to nail their audition for Saw 5000. Then, the new age Nuremberg trials happened, which sent Fuck Face Fauci to Gitmo for funding and lying about being the least deserving of his mass murder participation trophy. After that, our truckers stormed into the White House with the other white hats and MAGA Patriots, including active and retired military at large and got that fake news black lives matter bitch trucking on a one way ticket to hell, that being a one way Greyhound bus ticket to Folsom Prison to work on a chain gang for a new doc by Oliver Stone called,  Kamala Is The New Black. The end, thank God. Oh yeah, Ivanka broke up with Jared and got herpes.”

I reached out to a high school bud about visiting one of our friends who just had his 1st kid at 45. He texts back, “I don’t think Dave will want us around a newborn with all that’s going on.” I said, “But the Taliban is coming, we’re still forced to wear masks in hospitals anyway and Sharia Law won. So, what difference does it make? Hillary Hammer Time Cankles lives, Challah, thank you very much.

What’s an appropriate gift for a COVID baby in Australia today? Pepper spray resistant swim goggles. Strollers equipped with Alexa powered COVID curfew reminders? Unless mommy wants to quarantine herself in penal colony detainments for COVID spurning cunts while her kid gets snatched up by child services for reckless endangerment because the COVID God’s of law and order are batshit Pelosi crazy.

Michael Kornbluth

Do It All Dad Talk

On Sports:

I want to get HGH for my 46th birthday. Granted, my wife will have less love juice to slurp up on my 47th, which should be a win, win, for both parties involved.

On Sex:

Unless a girl is riding your joystick out of its primary pole position, it’s for the most part, overrated.

On Drugs:

Don’t miss them when I’m off them, including Adderall. Not focusing on the deafening sound of silence on LinkedIn from former high school and college buds after I post one comedy record link post after another helps boost my peace of mind tremendously, knowing what lame brothers in arms they’ve become.

On Friendship:

Either get excited for my comedic mojo rising or shove your measured, begrudging merriment up your ass.

On Love:

Proves whether you pass the give the shit the test or not.

On Sales:

Your drive to sell what you got without the widespread acclaim or go fuck yourself pad in Florida yet, proves whether you make it the mountain top of success of your own accord or rely on Triple AAA to haul your sorry ass over the whatever, whenever, finish line of life.

On Cold Calling:

Converting a cold connection into a warm one only arouses your innermost interest to penetrate more hidden love connections at large.

On Metal:

Speed + Attitude+ Balls+ Wailing Emotion = Soaring Stiffage Inside

On Food:

Make with love or become another take out ordering boring Jew like the rest. My last name is Kornbluth, I know more than you do.

On Family:

Learn to mother yourself better than mom.

On Fatherhood:

God gives kids to only the lonely. Plus, funnier dad, happier baby.

On Flirting:

More fun when you’re married because you exude a far higher don’t give a shit factor.

On Married Women:

My husband is the least sexy, unsolicited for admission on the planet.

On Finance:

Boring fuck wads manage other people’s wealth for a living.

On Real Estate:

Sell any bit of Manhattan for bitcoin while you can.

On Conspiracy Theories:

Alex Jones is smarter than you Mongoloid Moron.

On COVID:

What so called life left do you care about saving since our country sold its soul to the CDC, Big Pharma and China exactly?

On Establishment Media:

Unfunny, boring, fake news deep, anarchy arching, tyranny, enabling, sell out, grossly overrated hacks.

On Big Tech:

The real deal misinformation machine.

On The Supreme Court:

Morally compromised, pompous populated, gun shy pussies in robes.

On the Electoral College:

Billionaires in Beverly Hills are loading up on shotguns now, but their votes matter more after supporting the summer of love to make Trumpy Poo look bad.

On the FBI:

Domestic Terrorist deterrence has gone bye, bye or else they’d shut down big tech for being used as a messaging platform to ensure synchronized smash and grab plots go viral.

Michael Kornbluth

The Livewire One

The UN just passed a resolution to deny all Jewish ancestry connection to Temple Mount by calling it Haram esh-Sharif, which in Arabic means, “King Solomon didn’t build shit”, despite remnants of the Western Wall still standing. And there being archeological evidence of lamb skin condoms buried deep under the 1st Temple used by King Solomon with the Queen of Sheeba, so he could last longer, the next time she flashed her bushy legs under the influence of some primo Ethiopian weed, which was never confused with the dirt sprayed kind from the Bronx that tastes like Windex.

What would you consider more suicidal behavior? Accusing the founding father of Islam of cultural appropriation on the BBC for hijacking the great Mosque of Mecca despite Abraham and Ishmael building it. Or becoming known as a Dome of Rock Truther Blogger Comedian on Real Time with Bill Maher to take heat off Salmon Rushdie by comparing the UN’s attempt to rebrand the Temple Mount as a Muslim only holy site to Mr. Roger’s Land of Neighborhood Make Believe. Dome of Rock Truther Blogger Comedian reveals his last words on Real Time with Ball Maher, ” A 2-state solution is impossible if Hamas keeps fucking Bill. The Dome of Rock is also a 3-minute walk from the Western Wall. So, claiming ancestral connection to the original resting place that housed the 1st great Temple of Solomon is a stretch Bill, like Hillary claiming all her destroyed emails under subpoena were yoga related while the rest detailed funeral arrangements in the woods in case Chelsea’s finance decided to increase his asking price at the last sec. I also don’t recall Drago popping out of my voting booth to command, “Vote for Trump or I’ll break you.” Russian Collusion isn’t why Hillary Hammer Time Cankles lost to Trump. Hillary lost, because she’s an unhuggable cunt Bill. The same Huma Licker Breath who failed to sell 70 million branded racists on why Baby Boomer Mom knows best. I’m still waiting for that bumper sticker Bill, Baby Boomer Arrogance Never Dies. But Trump has ties to Russia, duh, what mail order bride owner doesn’t? Cut me off before the Muslim Brotherhood does Bill, hook up another 50 percent heeb when you can.

Bill Maher says, “You’re growing on me Michael like Dexter on Showtime although I don’t see you getting renewed for 7 more seasons.”

Suicidal Comedian throws in some final last words, “But Bill, I forgot to promote my new comedy record, “Not Kosher Baby.” The original record cover concept was a picture of my 5-Year-Old-Son licking Finn’s butt from the new woke Star Wars. My son does share my DNA, so he’s bound to take a dip into the dark side eventually. My son licking Finn’s butt was my son’s idea actually. I don’t want to you think I’m grooming future fluffers for the Rebellion. Son even said, “Finn being a black guy makes it funnier Daddy.” I said, “I agree, Samuel. Licking the Asian girl’s butt who plays the Rebel Mechanic wouldn’t work because I don’t see her being popular enough of a character to warrant a giant doll size action figure on her behalf either. Although the last image we settled on for the record cover was my son blocking his face with a Playboy magazine while holding up a playmate centerfold from a Suzanne Sommer issue that I got myself for Hanukkah. Next to my son in the pic is his Teddy Bear, who’s sporting an orange foam roller between his legs. In the end, my son and I decided to use the Teddy Bear foam roller hardon pic instead of the one catching my son in the middle of licking Finn’s butt. Between pictures, my son knocks over the orange foam roller with the Playboy. Later, I make him laugh when I said, “You knocked over his penis.” But yeah, so we went with the orange foam roller boner pic, because we didn’t want the butt licking one to do give the Podesta brother’s any funny ideas. And don’t act coy Bill. Google Tony Podesta artwork. There’s enough pedo installation artwork on those fundraising walls to make Marilyn Manson blush. At the same time Bill, going with the record cover of my son licking Finn’s butt for my 45th Comedy Record, Not Kosher Baby, would be innocuous compared to sicko states like California forcing kids to take COVID vaccine shots to attend Kindergarten like they’re grown-up Billy Madison’s who are wastes of life to begin with. The only long-term side-effects that we know off for kids are a false sense of security or a fake news return to normalcy because they work less than Hunter does on his Blow Painting since he gave up blow in townie bars in Wilmington, Delaware on the night before Thanksgiving, only hearing last call from the bathroom stall. And China loves open borders Joe, because Chinese made fentanyl smuggled across our southern border has killed more crackers in this country than Taylor Swift kicking with Lena Dunham on Instagram. Pregnant moms getting the COVID vax stab are causing an increase in stillbirth babies Bill. Vaccinated mothers are giving birth to kids with cardiac problems out of the womb. Grown healthy dads at 42 have been reported to drop dead of heart attacks on the vaccination room floors seconds later. But I’m supposed to trust Dr. Fauci who’s suppressed effective early-stage treatments like hydroxychloroquine to treat an itchy esophagus for anyone under 70, who never condemned Cuomo for forcing elderly homes to house infected COVID patients after Trumpy Poo shipped in hospital beds for needed spacing, that got less touches than a Bible at Barry’s favorite bathhouse colony in Provincetown. But my mom wants me to get stabbed with the vax before visiting her and my dad in Arizona. Mom tries to pre-close me on the phone with, “I don’t ask much of you.” And I’m thinking, “Experimenting with the most dangerous vaccine of all time, which a preponderance of PHD’s have resisted taking, so you can steal my free mind and warrior soul away is a pretty big ask mom. Your side already stole an election and got away with it since the day Democracy died. All of this drawn out COVID theater way past its expiration date, where all the evolved ones pretend to care about the health of their neighbor when most diehard leftists want all Trump voters dead already is a serially unfunny comedy, that’s offering no comedic relief in sight. Unless Mike Dikta becomes the new president of the CDC and calls masks a worst prevent defense than pissing off Walter Payton by calling him a pretty boy faggot in headbands. I know you don’t have kids Bill. But I wouldn’t want my worst enemy to see their kids masked up off the bus looking like Michael Jackson’s kids on holiday in Bahrain. But the masks work. Woke bloke please. Masks work less than Melo running the Triangle Offense. Why hasn’t Melo become the spokesperson for Tampax Tampons yet? Name another NBA lifer responsible for stopping so much flowage. And doctors who refuse to treat unvaccinated patients aren’t doctors anymore. They’re wannabe George Clooney’s in stethoscopes who belong in Straight Jackets for acting like COVID depresses your immune system more than backend entry into the Dallas Buyer’s Club. Last, I don’t like interfaith families Bill. Not that my wife gives me a choice in the matter. The only thing I hate more than my kids being used as extras like the kids from Pink Floyd the Wall to feed the media manipulated narrative behind vaccinated lives mattering the most, are fucking Gnomes Bill. Gnomes look like Santa’s stoner slacker offspring in Succession. I had to give up taking edibles before I thought my daughter was asleep already because I’d feel like a mongoloid moron trying to answer her super deep questions on the stuff. She’d ask, “So daddy, if God created the universe. Then, who created God. I said, “God went back in time in a Time Machine, made my Elon Musk.” Daughter says, “That’s a real convincing explanation Daddy. Thanks for making me an atheist at 4.” The Livewire One lives, Challah. Thank you very much.

Michael Kornbluth