All Metal Baby

Dear Billy Corgan,

I’m Ric Flair literally, woo. I’m writing a thank you letter like Curious George taught me to do. I want to thank you for bringing NWA wrestling back from the dead. My daddy bought me the NWA All Access Pass for my birthday and I’ve never been happier. I love watching new wrestling matches with daddy. But I want to return the favor and give my daddy some love on his birthday to. I’m his best friend and best friends get each other gifts, right? And he didn’t even get a card from Mimi and Papa this year, so I want to make it up to him in a humongous way. Daddy is a really funny comedian, who’s due to record comedy record 94 this Sunday Less Garbage Lines, yet he’s beginning to feel like an imposter for having no paydays to show for it. He also looks after my older sister Matilda and older brother Arthur. We make a great home team and want nothing more than for daddy’s comedy career to achieve blast off time already. Would you be willing to let my Daddy do five minutes of Nirvana material at Lollapalooza this summer as your opening act? You won’t be disappointed. I’m sending you a demo record he recorded last summer called Burning Mask Party Record. United we laugh, my daddy, proves it every day, yeah, yeah. Daddy is a fan of old school jamming out Chicago to.  I’m guaranteed you’ll be impressed and you better play Rocket if you say yes, or I’ll be pissed Billy. Last, my father is feeling like a mega dumb moron for passing on spending 40 bucks on your debut album Gish, in favor of Deep Purple’s Last Concert in Japan for only 22 bucks on Vinyl instead, which he thought was the deal the century, until he realized soon after that Deep Purple’s Last Concert wasn’t Deep Purple Made in Japan. Don’t get me wrong, Daddy and I are huge David Coverdale fans and adore his live album In Heart of The City that he did with White Snake after he left Deep Purple. Still, I know deep down this mix up brought Daddy down because he loves your band and didn’t buy your album Gish because he was trying to be a frugal pragmatist on his birthday for a change. I hate to end on a down note, but nothing would make daddy happier than get blown away by a sea of laughs this summer in Chicago at Lollapalooza after being stuck like a rat in cage as a Stay-at-Home Shemale Comedian for the past 5 years and counting since I was born, with no grandparents in sight. At the same time, being under house arrest post COVID hasn’t been that much of a radical departure for daddy. Regardless, it’s his time to shine this summer and nothing would make me happier than to see my daddy flying high again.

Your Biggest 5-Year-Old Fan,

Samuel Teddy Kornbluth

P.S. My big sister helped me write this letter. But I can still do more one armed pushed than her. Plus, my big brother did the artwork for Daddy’s record cover Burning Mask Party Record, which is beyond overdue at this point already. Let’s launch a burning mask party on stage together Billy. I know you can do it. Billy Madison lives, Challah, thank you very much. That’s my daddy’s catchphrase by the way.

Dear Samuel Teddy Kornbluth,

I heard your dad’s record Burning Mask Party Record. And you’re correct, it rocks. It would be an honor to help break your father big at Lollapalooza this summer. I can offer him one thousand dollars for five minutes, which should be enough to pay for travel expenses. Although, I see him scoring a recording holding deal after this. Tell your dad that will have a booth set up for him to sell any of his, comedy records and books at the show soon after although I have an idea for a grand entrance that will drive the audience wild for the overall presentation. I’m a big-time wrestling promoter who knows a thing about putting on kick ass show for reason. Stay cool All Metal Baby.

Best Always,

Billy

All Metal Baby descends from a helicopter on a zipline down to the Lollapalooza stage, dressed like Van Halen angel baby from their album 1984 with a cigarette behind his ear. The 500,000 plus crowd goes wild as The Smashing Pumpkins play the intro to Rocket in the background as Billy croons, “Love.” All Metal Baby makes a perfect landing on to the stage from the helicopter. First, he faces the audience and flashes the bird with both middle fingers behind his ears, as if he’s sporting Devil horn middle fingers. Billy Corgan howls, “All Metal Baby in the house, Ronnie James Dio, lives, Challah, thank you very much. Crowd screams with holy shit Joe C lives to, as the crowd roars, “We like to party, rock the party.” Next, All Metal Baby launches into a series of one-armed push-ups while flipping the bird with his remaining free hand. Next, All Metal Baby grabs the cigarette behind his ear, which isn’t a real one but flammable nonetheless, and lights it up before throwing it on top of a pile of masks, which takes this Burning Mask Party that much higher. Then, All Metal Baby hops into a drum set behind his cherished daddy, who always wanted his son to dress up like the Van Halen angel baby for Hanukkah Halloween, so wishes do come true. Then, Do It All Dad launches into his act that was made for these times, starting with, “Nirvana, didn’t kill Hair Metal Aids did, before Magic made HIV disappear.”

The 500,000 plus crowd laughs in one love unison, which screams a Refrigerator Perry touchdown of yesteryear, which is drawn out even longer, after All Metal Baby does a one-handed headstand rim shot on the drums after his daddy’s opening punchline, while sucking on a Scorpion lollipop to boot.

All Metal’s Baby daddy completes his short-lived Nirvana set, made for these times.

I dislike any rock journalist or cultural critic who still lives in Portland, Oregon or in Seattle, Washington, ANTIFA apartheid represent. Especially those intent on selling us why Kurt Cobain was destined to become another rock casualty cliche due to a stomach irritation aggravated from too much soy. But at the height of his popularity, with all the f-you money in the world to avoid touring if he wanted to, after becoming a proud, doting father no less, Kurt Cobain wanted to pull an Ernest Hemingway after his shotgun marriage to Sloppy Seconds Hole? Because Kurt Cobain couldn’t bear the burden of being branded as the voice of Generation X by Tabitha Soren, when Sonic Youth had less brand name recognition on MTV than the Fine Young Cannibals or Midnight Oil throughout the early nineties for that matter?

Kurt Cobain admitted that their records sounded closer to Motley Crue records than punk rock ones, which doesn’t make him sound like the overgrown kid in the Jermey video on the verge off blowing his brains out over his Trapper Keeper in AP Bio either.

And Kurt Cobain killing himself at 27 no less, which is when Janis Joplin, Jimi Hendrix and Jim Morrison died from accidental overdoses is too cliche ridden planned for a rock star who raided his dead grandma’s closet for her most unflattering, wool sweater to sport on MTV Unplugged.

In the song In Bloom, Kurt Cobain sneered at meathead jocks with hardcore sardonic disdain, more likely to be first in line to see the Foo Fighters play the first MSG show post pandemic for the privilege of seeing big pharma sell out shill Dave Grohl perform in front of a vaccinated only crowd, to mark another monotone milestone through their edgeless, ever long lives. Yet were supposed to believe Kurt Cobain would give those same homophobe faggots in University of Maryland hats, who like to sing along to his “pretty songs”, the satisfaction of killing off his legacy as being the most kick ass, wildly popular non-conformist artist of his generation by proving to be another unoriginal, poser artist burnout tale of premature, blatantly avoidable ruin on VH1 Behind the Music like the rest. Yeah, and Eddie Vedder met his banger pretty wife at a lesbo coffee shop in Seattle for slam toxic masculinity night.

All I’m saying is that Kurt Cobain was not one to do cliche, outside of doing his best Sid and Nancy impersonation with Courtney Love for a bit. And in the end, his overhyped stomach pains cited as the main driving force behind blowing his brains out after framing his vision of becoming a middle-aged junkie artist like a modern-day William Boroughs to Courtney Love as an easily attainable goal to shoot for, has been blown way out of proportion, like the working effectiveness of COVID 19 vaccination shot, which works less than an Alice and Chains cover band today at BYU, with Mitt Romney in town.

Personally, I love the Courtney Love Hole album, Live Through This, even more than Nevermind, even if ex-boyfriend Billy Corgan penned the lion share of her monster lyrics on it like, “I shit my bed from doing too much H. So, I might as well die in it.” Plus, I can’t hate someone who called Linda Sarsour a fake news feminist who had no business attending the Woman’s March on Washington because of the Palestinian freedom fighter’s support of clitoral mutilation to ensure Muslim housewives receive zero pleasure on earth before being stoned to death for the crime of being spotted in their full-length Burkas in Sex and The City 2. So, if siding with Courtney Love for calling Linda Sarsour a fake feminist, makes me alt-right, then I’m alright with it. Challah, thank you very much.

Truth is, Kurt Cobain wouldn’t be caught dead in Starbucks if his Sonic Youth record collection was riding on it. So, I don’t buy Kurt Cobain feeding into the packaged brand of brooding depressive consumerism by killing himself at the height of his popularity who caused a bigger eruption in Courtney’s Love pants than Eddie Van Halen ever did. Nor do I buy into the forced fed, media manipulated assertion that Kurt Cobain was too much of a gun-shy pussy to persist rocking in a hyper focused Internet world of do or die capitalism Man. A victimized Twitter Twat, he wasn’t it, “Here we are now, entertain us, I feel stupid and contagious because I shared a needle with Magic Johnson’s number one groupie in Seattle. You want a remake of Sleepless in Seattle post Kids you got it.

Last, did you know Kurt Cobain predicted that an outsider who never worked in politics could become President of the United States like Trump one day? Ok, so maybe Kurt Cobain killed himself for a reason, knowing that the eventual advent of social media would unearth the A Plus narcissist in us all. Neither Republicans nor Democrats have a monopoly on messianic right, God does. The sooner were all able to unite around that absolute truth of one love, under one God, who knows above all else, when you’re being an insufferable, know it all twat, on the alleged right side of ethical moralism, the better.

Shit, at least I’m self-aware enough to proclaim Jesus doesn’t want me for a sunbeam yet. But thank God, I still have time to seek absolution for being the biggest prick in the east, since Alec Baldwin admits no fault for acting like an all-over the place Jew since he quit self-medicating by getting loaded. Short lived Nirvana lives, Challah. Thank you very much.

The following day, Rolling Stone Magazine called All Metal Baby the ultimate smash hit at Lollapalooza during the summer of 2022. At the same time, his daddy now nicknamed by Billy Corgan as Killerset Kornbluth wasn’t chopped liver either. And for those about to rock, All Metal Baby salutes you, Challah. Thank you very much.

Michael Kornbluth

Too Funny To Fail

I don’t like Kyle Rittenhouse anymore. Now, he’s down with Thug Lives Matters Most? Defending Dad’s store from getting looted and burned to the ground with an AR-15 in hand shoots that fake news placation to smithereens. Does he support resisting arrest? Does he support 2 billion worth of property damage during the past summer of love? Does he support Cops letting ANTIFA and BLM led riot mobs wreck any facade left behind cops existing to protect and serve anything but their precious pensions anymore? Does Kyle support the good cops who contributed to his bail fund? Who can’t find work unless they service truck drivers cruising down to Florida, with the hope of scoring a security guard job at Costco during the peak holiday season? Kyle Rittenhouse doesn’t like to be associated with lawyer Lin Wood, so he’ll receive less hate speech spewing’s about him on the View? Lin Wood only scored Nick Sandman a huge defamation lawsuit payday from CNN for trying to paint him as the second coming of Dances with David Duke. I don’t think Kyle Rittenhouse should’ve been on trial for acting in self-defense. Still, I wouldn’t exude a smug smile because Matt Gaetz offered you an internship on Captial Hill since the day Democracy died without a whimper from the Republican righting side.

I wish Adam Sandler was more divisive. His Hanukkah song needs to be updated to make it less of a safe space for gentiles. The Golden Jew needs to downplay his cozy relationship with Obama running Netflix and replace the verse, “OJ, definitely not a Jew, with Linda Sarsour, definitely not a fan. And if that funny man assertion makes me alt-right, then I’m alright with it.”

If Adam Sandler went after Obama’s basketball game alone on his next Netflix song and joke special, I’d get my wife pregnant by accident again and name the kid Adam Sandler Kornbluth instead of Zevon Zappa Kornbluth. All Sandler has to say in a made-up conversation with Chris Rock on stage is, “Hey Chris, if Obama is such a baller, then why did he ride the bench at an all-Asian private school in Hawaii? And if Obama isn’t a radical jihadist enabler of the most despicable order, then why did he nuke gift Iran 1.5 billion dollars in the still of the night in unmarked bills as he slithered out the White House door on to George Clooney’s Banana Boat Team in St. Barts, only feel to like second Banana after Jay Z arrived? That’s right, Obama Be Good, gave all that untraceable terror money to create overseas manufacturing jobs for Build a Bear, to make the Iranian economy less reliant on the sale of hair removal cream for the Kardashians.”

Bruce Jenner wasn’t asexual when he was married to Kris Jenner. Although, I’m positive Bruce stayed harder longer after he pushed Kris to cut her short, to look more like a dolled-up Ralph Macchio.

History of loser lamentation. Alien spawned, Christan baby cannibal loving Jews, stabbed Weimar Republic loyalists in the back with their diamond encrusted pitchforks by using Uri Geller forms of fork bending mind control on the newly in charge democratic government to sign a peace treaty against their best interests despite losers in war having no fucking leverage to dictate more favorable terms otherwise, Kraut breaths. In the end, Germany lost some farmland that a location scout for Inglorious Bastards couldn’t even find using Waze anyway. 2 million Germans die after they decide to team up with Austria and Belgium against the big 3 England, Russia and Italy yet they expected to be a fair match against mafia bred Italian muscle, descendants of Drago and Brits who had nothing to lose in war except waking up to the dreaded prospect of cursing their wench wives for birthing such pasty, mole maligned kids after the United States of America came to the rescue as the ultimate Road Warrior tag team from the more hardcore southern WCW circuit to apply the final power slam on fake news assertions behind a superior superpower worth envying of any kind. But the Germans are proud people. The Germans are moronic people after they exterminated all the smarter Jews. What has Germany contributed the world since World War 2? Besides, 5-week rave paid maternity leave? But banking is a religion in Germany? Banking is a religion in Switzerland to. That doesn’t make the national embrace of gold tooth hording Gnomes for all their worth any less deflective creepy. Gnomes look like Santa’s dumpy, druggy trust fund babies who managed to survive after they eventually got cut off because they’re old enough now to collect Social Security. Hitler got his panties in a bunch because Germany had to pay war reparations which were beyond payable. And they call the chosen people monopolistic, greedy loot sack hoarder whores. Also, when you perpetuate a war resulting in 10 million lives lost that you ultimately lost, don’t expect free Starbucks gift cards for life. But the Germans are prideful people. Why? Any kid from El Salvador can shine my Ecco shoes with far greater polished precision. Plus, aren’t all German men uncircumcised? What’s respectable about an ant eater schlong? I don’t care how big your petrified pig in a blanket is. Last, none of World War 1 was fought on German land. So, the least mother Germany could do was pay some dead dad littering fines in Italy who gave the world opera, Leonardo Da Vinci and Sophia Loren’s luscious lobes of perfection, which I’ll take over the nerve pinching edgy film score to Run Lola Run any day of the week. Losers walk with a hunch of shame for a reason you bratwurst bitches. 400 thousand Americans died during World War 2 by the way. So, when you willingly watch the NFL today, understand you’re supporting players who take the knee who are cool with kicking Nazi destroyers in the nuts, again and again.

Succession on HBO jumped the shark after Murdoch’s daughter used the expression burning Koran’s. Like any sane person would burn the Pedophile Guide for Dummies since cartoons of Muhammad were deemed permanent no go-zones since French cartoonist Charlie Hebdo got canceled from breathing prematurely.

Wikipedia is so Fascist favoring. Root cause for the Spanish Inquisition, stupid stubborn Jews. Cause of the Holocaust, pinko, leftist Jews who dared to charge Germany interest 10 million lives lost later because they failed to prove why Aryan’s are superior organizer planners of risky world war. French Revolution, overblown reaction to high taxes and the inflated cost of cheese since the horn dog King starting hogging up all the Brie for in Northeast France for lube in marathon long gang bang sessions in Versailles because Nostradamus predicted the rise of sodomy in powdered wigs during France’s post Trans topping period. Nostradamus predicted that one day Versailles would become the perfect romantic getaway from the plague and anal stimulation starvation.

You know you’re not 100 percent gay when you get increasingly aroused from a teenage girl double fist a gentle caressed veggie burrito into her mouth without chomping down on it with fangy fearsomeness in the process. Plus, you’re not feeling 100 percent gay, when the girl at the Kosher butcher greets you with your full name after you gave her your business card prior, only to pronounce at the Kosher Buther in front of her, loud and proud, “I love how I’m up in your cranium already.” Challah, thank you very much.

Michael Kornbluth