I’m buying myself the book The Uncensored History of 80’s Rock. Bookstore owner says, “Would you like to be put on our list?” I said, “Not yet. I’m just getting this gift for myself the way I filled out my own Father’s Day Card last year.”
Waiting for Joe Biden to deliver a flub free, unifying speech is like waiting for Hunter to give up blow for blow painting fulltime.
His old school cokehead buds miss the good old days, getting tweaked in townie bars next to their dealer in Wilmington, Delaware, only hearing last call from the bathroom stall, only to utter, “Where’s Hunter man?” Oh, yeah, he’s spewing his white priveledge seed all up in some stripper’s fake news roped off snatch in the Champagne Room where only the high roller hacks roam.”
Hunter Biden texts found in his forgotten laptop reveal he was not only banned from the Chateau Marmont but wasn’t allowed to gather any of his belongings. My brother is banned from Talking Stick Casino in Arizona yet Hunter makes little bro come off as a major slacker and serial underachiever in comparison.
At the chocolate shop in Ridgefield, CT, I say, “I’ll take 3 of those chocolates.” I don’t want to perpetuate my dad’s tradition of playing blatant overt favorites or they’ll suffer from a lifetime of lingering resentment that no amount of yoga, prayer, or weed edibles can expunge from the depths of their slighted, impossible to recover from souls.”
When your dad says out loud in front of you, “I don’t know how were related.” It means he treats you like sloppy seconds for a reason.
I got my dad a joint for us to smoke together in Arizona after it became legal there because I thought we could bond over the all-star review for my book, The Great American Jew Novel. Dad says, “Yeah, I’m going to smoke this with my friend Nat in Vegas instead. And pops wonders why I seek laughs from strangers for a living.
Megan Rapinoe is partnering with Victoria Secret, which is totally on brand move for them to make. Can’t wait to sample their new line of edible shin guards that taste like hairy fish sticks.
If Megan Rapinoe runs for President, what’s going to be her campaign slogan? Bring back the L Word To Netflix Obama, your are only hope.
Is the purple haired tom boy look even a real life type or just a cry for attention because Olympic Soccer carries less cultural oomph in America than Orlando’s Blooms archery tips?
When Megan Rapinoe refused to take a knee, what point was she trying to make again? Pussy hat wearing lesbos are down with licking Nike’s ass no matter what.
Did Megan Rapinoe ever accuse Kaepernick of sporting a fake news fro backstage at the ESPYS’s? Have you ever seen a bi-racial afro that large before? Slash tried to grow out his fro and it was a total flop. At the same time, fake news fro takes selfies with Linda Sarsour who supports genital mutilation through supporting Sharia Law and Chelsea Manning’s run for senate. That’s like wearing a mutilated clit on your fro bro.
Eli Manning is still a bigger pimp than Brady in my book. He ruined his shot at a perfect season. Giselle was a Victoria Secret Angel, big deal. Now, she’s like 80 in model years. Plus, her uppity lisp isn’t winning her any popularity contests over Tyra Banks either. And why doesn’t anyone praise Terry Bradshaw as the best quarterback ever? Nobody aired it like out Bradshaw. Fine, that much he shares in common with Brady. I’ll give you that much.
I’m moving on out to Russia. You don’t have to worry about Global Warming blather from the local news. Putin defending the use of fracking wouldn’t cause a pussy riot online either. Putin trolls Greta Thunberg and tweets, @GreatThunberg, Fracking actually reduces CO2 emissions. Furry Brow tweets back, “So Neil Young is full of shit now?” Putin showcases a flash of Trumpian wit and fires back with “Neil Young doesn’t take showers to reduce his carbon footprint. So that much, you share in common babe. Why doesn’t Global Warming scare me Greta? Because Al Gore’s speaker has considerably cooled.”
Russians can still take a joke. Trump has ties to Russia. Duh, what mail order bride owner doesn’t? Plus, like the great Russian novelists such as Fyodor Dostoevsky, I prefer my comedy like my coffee, dark and bitter.
Also, you know BLM wouldn’t be allowed to harass patrons dining al fresco in St. Petersburg while slurping up some more Caviar soup. Putin’s so tough, he could snap your neck by just staring at it topless on a horse in the country.
Like Honest Abe said, “I’d rather live in Russia than in a place that lives under the pretense of loving liberty”, the way America does today. But Biden wants our family members and neighbors to rat out Trump supporters over white supremacist concerns because we don’t live by the creed, In Fuck Face Fauci We Trust. Nor are we inclined to believe in objective science anymore, after learning how every past prominent scientist in this country decried the Wuhan lab leak has a conspiracy theory because they didn’t want to be branded as a fake news white supremacist like the rest.
Putin actually said the name of the unarmed, American veteran Ashley Babbitt who was shot in cold blood in the Capital Building after the Stop The Steal Rally, which is more than Trumpy Poo ever mustered the courage to do.
Putin poisons his political opponents. Well, that’s better than pushing a non FDA approved vaccine on your Trump hater supporters that’s leading to more complications than election fraud audit reveals in the great free state of Arizona.
Putin poisons his political opponents. Like doxing ICE agents, immigrants from El Salvador who speak to the NY Times about MS-13, or any moms on Facebook who dare to criticize critical race theory as race divisive bullshit is any different?
Putin poisons his political opponents. Big deal, the blowhard dullard hack would’ve gotten liver cancer at some point anyway. I bet you Putin doesn’t have a fuck up druggie son who creamed in his dead brother’s wife seconds after the cremation ensued. Plus, Putin would never allow the drug cartels from Mexico or communist killers from China to push more Fentanyl through our southern border, that’s killed more crackers in this country than Taylor Swift kicking it with Lena Dunham on Instagram.
Russian journalists today know more about nationalistic pride than terrorist siding pieces of shit liars at the NY times. Who shamelessly pushed golden showers tales about Trump and Russian hookers with less legs than Lieutenant Dan. Plus, no Russian Journalist would ever be dumb enough to believe Trump hired a couple of Russian Hookers to pee on each other at his hotel room in St. Petersburg because he’s a notorious Germaphobe. Especially knowing how Trump could hire a bunch of Ivanka lookalikes to pee on each other at his Trump International Hotel in Washington D.C, whenever he likes. I’m also positive Melania can talk dirty to him in Slovenian whenever, wherever, wearing nothing but a mink hat from Spies Like Us.
Hate filled leftist retards don’t exist in Russia and would never feel morally exalted over anybody by breathlessly slinging endless bullshit enshrouded lies about election interference by the Russians, that made Drago pop out of various voting booths in predominately blue states, issuing life or death ultimatums such as, “Vote Trump or I’ll break you. If you die, it’s your fault for not believing in Holograms.”
Russia would never allow the construction of a George Floyd statue to prove thug lives matter. Especially when 2 billion dollars worth of property damage, and thousands of businesses destroyed for 6 months straight was designed to scare the Supreme Court to ever rule in the favor of law and order ever again.
Last, Billy Joel is the 1st to crowd surf at a concert in Russia before Eddie Vedder ever did. I’m not saying you can’t find a better country than Russia. But America is light years from acheiving Nirvana ever again. Wake me whenever this neverending shit show ends.
New York City is reopened again. Cuomo declares victory. He killed off the greatest
city the world has in only 15 months flat.
Steven A. Smith claims Durant is the best player to represent New York. Be a more
transparent kiss ass Smith. Millennial Mouseketeers would’ve gotten stomped to
death in the vastly more rough and tumble era of the eighties NBA. The
suffocative defensive play by the Bad Boys, X Man, The Pacers, Kevin Willis and
Charles hard as oak Oakley wouldv’e torn Durant’s pipe cleaner arms off like he
was the black Gumby. Durant isn’t an actual Playground legend from Brooklyn
like Bernard King either. Bernard King was the black Larry Bird on steroids
with Rocky’s eye of the tiger snarl in Rocky 2. Who ripped the rim off the
fucking basket while going coast to coast like Westbrook on Adderall with far
greater chest puffing huffing ease.
Refusing to vote is giving up on America. No, avoiding Voter ID to cheat again is. I
forgot. Calling out election fraud is the big lie like humanization being the
religion of peaceful Palestinian protestors for hire. Which reminds me, an all
Muslim girls prom was just held in Detroit. The prom was like mine, pork free.
I hope nobody votes in America ever again. So, politicians who let Democracy die
under their watch without making a peep will feel like emptier imposter do good
helpers at the Harvard Club than normal till their last, scotch stench filled
Is Baby Face Omar the new face of Banana Republic yet? To model their new line of
casual antisemitism footwear that comes with a complimentary Israeli doormat to
Actually, the Supreme Court gave up on America when they refused to look into the case of
election fraud that was more blatant than Jill Biden’s varicose veins with no
panty hose on in front of the Queen. Who offers stiff competition in that
department with her panty hose on in person.
Eric Clapton’s famous music friends like Steve Winwood are avoiding him like the
plague now since he opened up about partial paralysis after his 2nd COVID jab.
Back on his high horse again with chompers like that. Dear Alexa, play me any
song by Cream, Clapton or Derek and Dominoes to make me happy. It’s too bad
Steve Winwood isn’t cracking anybody’s top 100 pleasure playlist either.
Nobody has died from the COVID jab. What about boxer legend The Marvelous Marvin
Hagler? Oh yeah, MSN debunked the conspiracy theory already despite Tommy
Hearns claiming the murderous jab put him out for the count more than his
combinations ever could.
I made a COVID jab pinkie swear when my parents asked me to get vaccinated for
their behalf. But my father’s shoulders collapse whenever I go in for a hug
for old time’s sake since I came out as a Trump supporter. Plus, my parents are
vaccinated, which grants them immunity from the virus allegedly. So, at this
point, what difference does it make? Hillary Hammer Time Cankles strikes again.
Thank you very much.
I hate run-on sentence critics. It’s not my fault your slow and can’t keep up with my gender fluid flow.
Critical Race Theory is bullshit. Guaranteed money in the NBA, regardless of injury, is so oppressive.
The Muslim Sisterhood in congress don’t have an issue amplifying their voices in America either Jack.
Howard Beal was killed in the movie Network over lousy ratings. CNN’s worst nightmare come true.
British accents are unwelcome intrusive like Boris Johnson’s wife staring in my general direction.
Does Triple AAA offer ANTIFA roadblock assistance because the Proud Boys will do it free of charge?
Night screams mean you care about living. Or else you wouldn’t be afraid of dying before making it.
New York will come back, but everybody has left, except Free Palestine protestors and The Halal Guys.
Forcing kids to wear muzzles is wrong. Boris Johnson’s wife at the G-7 summit, not so much.
Jill Biden is a tacky, small town ho. Biden wears her panty hose when he can’t find his mask.
Masks are the new condoms only because I can’t cum in my wife wearing one either.
99 percent of people survive COVID yet Fuck Face Fauci, AKA, Dr. Gnocchi pushed endless lockdowns and triple masking of our kids while acting as if COVID depresses your immune system more than entry into the Dallas Buyers Club.
Hydroxychloroquine can increase your survival rate by 200 percent. What’s up with that study Doc?
Still, Dr. Fauci used his power to block the use of it. He’s Dr. Kevorkian in reverse.
Biden is donating thousands of free COVID vaccines to Africa like a poor man’s Bill Gates who can’t code for shit either.
Sanctuary cities is encouraged lawlessness on crack.
1 kid only means, your diaphragm is for walls after all.
I’m against unlimited immigration because I’m not a proud member of the rapist enablement party.
If calling Baby Face Omar, a Jihad loving runt cunt, makes me alt-right, then I’m alright with that.
Where were you when Fox stopped counting the ballots? Thanking God JFK didn’t die for nothing. Yeah, me to.
IBM made technology to identify Jews for Nazis. Watson Supercomputer says, “No Sherlock.”
My mom texts me Happy Father’s Day on the wrong day. Her happiness for me knows no bounds.
Boris Johnson’s wife, woof, woof needs water breaks, not my son 2 minutes into basketball practice.
My wife wants me to get COVID to say, “You should’ve worn a mask going down on MAGA mom.”
Trump Won signs at MLB is my new favorite America pastime, after telling Lebron to go woke himself.
The Mueller Report court hearing proved what again? Mueller parts his hair with gritty, elbow grease.
Did Drago pop out of your voting booth and demand, “Vote Trump or I’ll break you.”
When the Statue of Liberty went dark. I bet DeBalsio forgot to pay the Con Ed Bill on time again.
I hate the term helping others unless you’re applying for a job that says help wanted.
Maintaining relationships is overrated among those who think Mr. Groper won by a hair alone.
My son is going to trade school to become a landscape artist. Because NYC will have to start from Ground Zero at this rate. Or he could become a furniture designer within his own private studio and avoid charges of sexual harassment because he’ll design his own state of the art safe space for jerking off. Or he could become programmer and work remote unlike those software engineers who were charged with sexual harassment pre-COVID, despite them leaving the impression that they were too busy banging out new code to hit on girls anyway. Plus, I thought only ugly girls went to coding boot camp. Also, don’t programmers wear those yenta breath noise canceling headphones at work for a reason. Last, the typical Pearl script command isn’t, “Massage my carpel tunnel ho.”
My daughter’s 4th grade teacher just made her classroom writer tutor. Parenting matters to.
The Foo Fighters are playing Madison Square Garden’s first big concert post pandemic on June 20th in front of 20 thousand fans, immune to catching an itchy esophagus or any semblance of taste throughout their everlong, edgeless lives.
But Dave Grohl is one of the good guys bro. He’s an accessory to murder. If Kurt Cobain killed himself, Woody Allen stands a shot at winning father of the year.
If Frank Sinatra is Ronan Farrow’s father, then why isn’t Woody sleeping next to Secretariat?
Courtney Love is Mia Farrow with better husband selection.
Can you a get a fake news fake vaccine ID in Times Square? Or does domestic terrorist money payments in bitcoin no longer apply?
What if a MAGA groupie flashed her tits at Dave Grohl from the front row, before throwing a secret stash of hydroxychloroquine on the stage? Would she be banned from MSG for inciting a riot against good drugs, that would’ve saved plenty a name?
They’re been more than 5000 reported deaths from the alleged miracle non FDA approved vaccine designed to keep you safe from the made in Wuhan virus, financed by US tax dollars, thanks to Fuck Face Fauci’s use of gain of function research, designed to get you more than rabies from Chinese Bats. What happens when that number reaches 100,000? Will the Who be invited to play next year at MSG if they promise not to play We Won’t Get Fooled Again? Or was that Pete Townsend’s alibi when he got caught clicking on firstname.lastname@example.org, in the name of opposition research for a song about Pizza Gate conspiracy theorists? Alex Jones lives. Thank you very much.
And if Michael Jackson were alive today Monique, how would he defend himself against his Neverland accusers? All the Beatles royalty points in the world can’t buy me love?
Even Lincoln Logs are racist now. The Chief Play Officer of Hasbro declares, “Lincoln Logs are racist. We’re naming them Obama Logs now. The Chief Marketing Officer says, “But Obama grew up under a tent in Kenya, with dreams of building a Super Mosque over the remains of Ground Zero. Kayne 2024 bitches.” Can I get a holla for some Challah? Offended yet, then go woke yourself, holla, thank you very much.
Why are Jihadists so into virgins? Doesn’t Jihadi John have enough blood on his hands already?
Remember, when we took out the number 2 in charge of ISIS, and the Washington Post called him a religious scholar. Yeah, and Joy Behar is the Chief Happiness Officer for Breitbart.
How does killing terrorists ring leaders make it easier for ISIS to recruit again? As if ISIS would ever honor it’s non-compete agreement with Al Qaeda.
Plus, ISIS aren’t good recruiters in the 1st place. They just target other lonely virgins who wish their phones blew up.
This is Corey Booker flirting with actress Rosario Dawson. Was it you or Chloe Sevigny who died of Aids in that movie Kids? Just playing, in the end, that white bitch didn’t feel so privileged after all.
I’m going to push my daughter into Lesbianism when she gets older. First, she won’t get HPV, which leads to cervical cancer if left undetected. More importantly, Lesbians don’t die of Aids because you can take a licking and keep on ticking.
I caught my son playing with his sisters Barbie dolls yesterday. I said, “Make sure you triple wrap Pecker Wood with extra thick layers of seaweed, before you take another deep dive into Polynesian Barbie.”
Banging my GI Joes together well past puberty is way gayer than playing with Barbie dolls, I think. Especially, when I had Gung Ho manhandle Cobra Commander like his gimpy bitch in Pulp Fiction.
One year for Hanukkah, my mom got me a book called the 12 Stages of Puberty. It was a humiliating gift to receive because my younger brother of 3 years had already hit puberty and banged the 3 hottest girls in his class. Who I tried to jerk off to at the time but couldn’t. I say, “Mom, why would you give a puberty book in front of my younger brother? He can play with himself whenever he wants.” Mom says, “But you do that all the time with your GI Joe figures.”
Whenever I’m out in public with my 3 kids without my wife, I hear, “You’ve got your hands full.” And I’ll say, “If my wife agrees to an open marriage with Katy Perry after my book The Great American Jew Novel scores me an agent already. Then, my hands will be full.”
After Lebron James lost in the 1st round against the Suns, do you think Obama scurried down into his man cave in Martha’s Vineyard to tear through his private stash of Almond Joys, hid under a giant box of Duct Tape from Costco? Joan Rivers lives. Can I get a Challah, for not giving a shit if I offended you already, and if I did, then go woke yourself, holla; thank you very much.
Why isn’t Marv Albert lionized as a hero of the LGBT community? He had an affair with a retired Broadway Transgender dancer for a solid 15 years. Doesn’t that give him a leg up on the competition? Eddie Murphy getting caught picking up a Transgender prostitute on a lonely West Hollywood night is child’s play in comparison. Oscar De La Hoya got caught wearing woman’s lingerie, whoopty freaking-do. Del La Hoya was never canceled and had his career taken away during his prime because he liked to nosh on his sexual partners backside with extra relish on it. And there’s no way Marv Albert is capable of sexual assault on anything. He comes up to Spike Lee’s knee. If anyone is guilty of forced sodomy, it’s Spike Lee’s forced fed, media pushed narrative behind critical race theory and all lives matter being the new n word, burning up race relations faster than any Public Enemy video could, thank you very much.
Imagine Marv Albert doing play by play for Drag Queen Reading Hour. Drag Queen says, “Who wants to be a Drag Queen when they grow up?” And Marv Albert says, “We’ve entered serious garbage time folks.” Dr. Seuss, she’s not. Is that an Amber Alert I hear? Another reason, not to encourage your kids to go way downtown. I live in Soho and know what danger lurks behind those dumpster alleys late at night, which isn’t the most spectacular move to make with no protection on your person, which is why even hotels in West Virginia have room service for a reason.” Holla, thank you very much.”
Did you know Ellen DeGeneres and George W. Bush are friends? I knew she was pro bush, but what do they do together exactly? Besides play Operation with Michelle Obama, gender reassignment edition? Watch Portia De Rossi squirm as W paints a portrait of her clit being hacked off in front of Michelle for Sharia Law Appreciation Month?
Portia De Rossi is from Australia like my wife. We wanted to get married there yet my mom shot it down. She calls, “Son, Australia, is a long flight from New York and your father doesn’t love you that much.” I console my wife later and say, “Assuming we have a boy one day, instead of hiring a Rabbi for the circumcision, we hire Crocodile Dundee. Just so we can hear a roomful of Jews say, “Now that’s a knife. You can chop it all off with that thing.”
Daughter asks, “Daddy, was Shakespeare transgender, because he’d dress up like a girl in all his plays? I said, “Back then, male actors played all the female parts because Kate Blanchet’s, great, great, great, grandmother was a but-her-face with no make up on to. So, I don’t know if Shakespeare was Transgender because the Bard of Avon also wrote, “Hanging perverts saved many a bad marriage”, because decoupling hadn’t gone viral yet. Plus, masturbation post #meto wasn’t declared man’s last safety rail left yet. Nor was sexting, Internet porn or dick picks devised back then either, which proved to be the death knell of small talk in this country and beyond, before tatted up white chicks on crystal meth ruined the golden age of muff diving forever. But I do know for a fact that Kevin Spacy bought the Old Vic playhouse in London because backstage the Academy Award winner is gay about lunging at Othello in tights.
If my son played with dolls, I’d tell him to triple wrap his life blaster in the making in seaweed, before taking the deep dive into Polynesian Barbie.
Why is the transgender community so offended by the song Dude Looks Like a Lady? In the song, Steven Tyler takes more than a peek, proclaiming with surging lust, “Oh, what a funky lady, and I like, like it, yeah.” So did Richard Pryor, get over it already. He called it the best piece of pussy Bill Maher never had. Holla, thank you very much.
I’m breaking my Chic-fil-A strike if I see Transgender Father’s Day trend on Twitter again. Either you’re an involved father or you’re not, nipple tits. And stop acting like getting shafted is a new experience you’re closed to pursuing either.
I’m in favor of sexual expression but Drag Queen Reading Hour is a tad scary for our kids, don’t you think? Fluorescent lights don’t look flattering on anybody, let alone on a poor man’s Marilyn Manson impersonator. Also, if we’re going to be exposing our kids to Drag Queen Reading Hour and believe it’s not intended to groom our kids into pool time entertainment at John Podesta’s house, who showcases enough pedo installation art to make Marilyn Manson blush. Why not have a Drag Queen read a fable about buyer’s remorse after playing operation, gender reassignment edition called, The Missing Link? It’s a fable about a sexual awakening on the dance floor at the China Club. Where a horny, sexually repressed, 17-year-old kid from Westchester County reared on Lou Reed Records, desperately tries to his exert his presence behind stuck up Jenny From The Block but fails to flex his manhood up into her round of mound, because his missing link to old school, banging hip hop is gone baby gone.
At least our kids won’t be required to wear masks at the pool this summer, looking like Michael Jackson’s kids on holiday in Bahrain, who are being forced to identify with the Moderate Muslim Housewives of Manhattan.
This past morning, my wife asks me, “Can I go to sleep now, after working all night at the NICU?” I say, “Do we live under Sharia Law in this house? Of course, you can go to bed now, but not until I titty blast you with this bomb strapped to your chest 1st.” Andy Kaufman lives. Thank you very much.
Why do I care about rocking the Koshetarian Diet? First, I don’t have to do any of the blood draining myself, so it’s the least I can do. Second, the Koshertarian Diet makes me feel like a less all over the place Jew, which is a welcome change of pace. Third, it’s the least I can do to show my love for Hashem for blessing me with the three sweetest, most hilarious, fuss free kids in the universe. Fourth, the Koshertarian Diet allows me to look down on my younger brother and parents for never giving the Koshterian Diet inside the house and out an extended chance. And I have zero interest in being a fake news, God dissing hippy. Sorry, when you live in Arizona for 9 years and haven’t visited the Grand Canyon once. You’re a fake news hippy. I don’t care if your Bob Dylan station on Pandora disagrees. Fifth, my younger brother orders bacon cheeseburgers at Wendy’s with extra bacon on top yet he thinks being lactose tolerant is responsible for his chronic stomach pains, which have nothing to do with 2 decades worth of cocaine abuse, only hearing last call from the bathroom stall. 6th, I love the Koshterian Diet because if I do go out to eat, my options are significantly lessened. So now, whenever I do dine out, I no longer feel as indecisive as Jared Kushner holding up the salad bar line at the Bellagio. 7th, I rock the Koshterian diet because I wrote about a book about my divine powered quest to get my 3 fuss free kids excited about giving the Koshterian Diet a chance. John Lennon wishes he was this productive during his stay-at-home dad years. And if I don’t back up the talk, I’m no worse than my fake news hippies’ parents. 8th, I embrace the Koshertarian diet to ensure God continues to bless my funny Jew bone as I bang out more sheets of comedy gold. 9th, I practice the Koshertarian Diet because it forces me to generate more mo money minting ideas such as the Do It All Dad Hero Food Truck, which peddles the1st ever smoked Kosher brisket cheesesteak, using a plant-based cheese wiz in my debut middle age coming of age story, The Great American Jew Novel. Last, the Koshertarian diet reigns supreme because it triggers Italian deli workers, whenever I order an egg and cheese with no bacon on it. Italian Deli worker says, “No Bacon on that?” And I’ll give him the same response I give my 4-year-old, Chosen Curls Was Bound To Woo, whenever he whips out his pubescent life shooter in the making during dinner again, “Not Kosher baby.” Can I get a holla for some Challah? Thank you very much.