Older Than Aids

You want to talk feeling old?
I just met a bartender in Arizona who never heard of Van Halen. I said, “Have you tried Sammy Hagger’s tequila yet? Bet it goes down Van Halen light.” Bartender says, “Who’s Van Halen?” I said, “The reason why I use my son as a mini air guitar appendage.”

Michael Kornbluth

The Zamboni Artist

“No friendship is an accident.”

O. Henry

If a husband googles an ex-girlfriend 3 kids later, does it mean he’s officially divorced from great expectations at home? At the same time, what man isn’t guilty of reflecting fondly on spoiled summers past? Especially, when you’ve had to suck up another frigid east coast winter in the face of permanent career stagnation suckitude again. The same winter and so-called comedy career that felt colder than Harvey Weinstein’s old casting couch at the 4 Seasons when you’re not laughing all the way to the bank yet. But at least, Harvey Weinstein’s wife of the past 12 years finally left him, to focus on her lifetime battle with amnesia. Now, Solomon Kornbluth, a proud stay at home podcast comedian was on thin ice with his wife of 12 years for failing to make any money off his sheets of comedy gold, despite him urging his accountant to write off such an awe inspiring, sparkly array of A plus gemry dissemination on his Do It All Dad time blog and Do It All Dad Time podcast as a generous charitable donation.  What 45-year-old non-industry repped, so called Comedian, Solomon Kornbluth wanted was a win, but not just any win, like getting another comedy record Mega Dumb Daddy reposted on Sound Cloud again by some random, faceless music promo service, but an actual trophy, symbolizing how in this instance Solmon Kornbluth was best of the rest.

Solomon Kornbluth had won some awards in the past, but they weren’t a result of superior mental toughness, sustained physical dominance or a result of outperforming his competition for number 1 champion bragging rights either. Winning Most Improved Basketball player at Sleep Away Camp was an incredibly moving moment for Solomon Kornbluth because despite not knowing the full extent of it yet, he was an overly sensitive, lonely, shy, nerve plagued fag, who blew off Canteen mixers with the fellow female camp members to shoot hoop and read his Cracked comics in bed alone instead after cranking one out to freckle face specked Allyssia Rody, a counselor for the female camp who wore University Maryland boxer shorts, creeping up her supple, spry ass as Dice would say back in the day. And her mountainous cleavage formation was a thing of immovable, feast worthy beauty as those gorgeous melons dangled like luscious lobes of mouth drooling inducing perfection. Ok, so maybe Solomon Kornbluth wasn’t 100 percent gay yet, especially knowing how a fellow bunkmate tried to shame him once for owning a jar of Vaseline while having no idea what that meant. Bunkmate Jordan from New Jersey says in a crackling, just a day over puberty voice, “What do you need that Vaseline for Solomon?” And Solomon says, “I don’t know, for an itchy ass. My mom packed it for me.” Bunkmate Jordan laughs in a slightly demented, pseudo bellowing manner and says, “You can’t blame your mom for being a fudge packer dude.”

Later, on his Do It All Dad Year podcast, Solomon Kornbluth would do a routine about Sex-Ed in Sleepaway Camp throughout the late eighties before Magic made HIV disappear. He says, “Do 3rd graders today really need to know about scented lubes after using good old-fashioned Vaseline became passe already? When I was 13-year-olds at Sleepaway Camp, but still not into the puberty party yet, one of my bunkmates gay shamed me for my mom packing me Vaseline yet I still didn’t get gay lube joke connotations used at my expense till watching shemale porn decades later on 3rd Legged Beauties.com, if you really to know. It’s hard to develop any surge of self-esteem at Sleepaway camp, when you’re the 2nd worst athlete there after the Shiek’s son from Great Neck in yenta breath Seinfeld country. Seinfeld otherwise known as the “Joke Doctor”, just auctioned off one of his vintage Porsche’s for Charity. I hope half that half of those proceeds went to Larry’s kids. I also don’t want Seinfeld smirking for at least 5 years till he gives us a semi-credible excuse on being completely oblivious to Bill Cosby’s 4-decade reign of rape throughout fantastic LA, up high in those Hollywood drugging hills. Where were your powers of observation, then, Jerry? Also, why isn’t Barry Bonds or Roger Clemens in the Hall of Fame already?  They were already Hall of Fame bound when I used to collect their cards at camp. Plus, if I took HGH, Testosterone Shots or any form of performing enhancing drugs at Sleep Away Camp, I just would’ve struck out at a more accelerated speed.”

Solomon Kornbluth never got into collecting hockey cards until his friend Jared got him into the NY Rangers in 93, encouraging him to buy all the hocky cards he could so he could snag an Eric Lindros rookie card of his own, bound to be worth big money one day, who was being hyped as the new great one post Gretzky, who had a bigger mark on his back than Trump did after her triggered the Swamp with fits of despair for relegating good old Jeb Bush to another low energy, half wit hack for hire like the rest. Solomon Kornbluth targeted Laura Bush in his debut comedy album Resist This when he said, “Fuck Laura Bush for thinking the world gives a shit about her memoir, Texas Librarians Know Best.” At least, Hillary Hammer Time Cankles was willing to get rich or die trying bitch. And this is an impression of Stevie Nicks backstage at MSG, “Hillary, tell me lies, only sweet little lies. Versus humongous bitter ones, like how you lost to Trump because of Russian collusion, involving fantasy tales of Drago Holograms emerging in your voting booth only to threaten you with impossible to ignore ultimatums like, “Vote Trump or I’ll break you.” I thought you lost to Trump because you’re an unhuggable cunt, my bad. You must have deleted that memo to Hillary. And why would Trump hire 2 Russian hookers to pee on him at a hotel in Moscow, when he can hire a bunch of Ivanka look-alikes to do the same thing at his hotel in D.C whenever pussy grabber likes?”

One time Solomon and Jared got caught shoplifting Hocky Cards at Child World, yet the security guard let them off with an ominous warning, when he said, “I’m going let you 2 go, but understand the only reason I caught you 2 was because you came back to steal again and got greedy.”  This damning, ominous indictment of greedy self-serving behavior always stayed with Solomon Kornbluth who obviously didn’t pay homage to the commandment Thou Shall Not Steal one iota for some time after. Even his younger brother shamed him into stop stealing Turkey Jerky at Gelson’s as the ultimate shishy bitch life enhancer back in the day. Little bro says,” “Never steal, it’s wrong bro” And this is years after his younger brother, AKA Sir Snort A Lot, was caught on a security camera stealing thousands from his parents ATM to buy more blow at 13 years old in Washington Heights from Julio Silver Blade The 3, which resulted in his parents shipping him off to boarding school with a bunch Jew picking on Hocky jocks in Avon, CT. So Solomon Kornbluth knew what a steep price his parents had to pay for his younger brother’s crimes of incessant, serially serving selfishness like a pseudo slacker underachiever Hunter in the making, who never had the privilege of being able to collect 52 grand a month from a Ukrainian sports drink company for pushing Borscht as the new Kombucha.  

One day Solomon Kornbluth got burnt out on making the world laugh for free on his Do It All Dad Time Podcast again and went to the local hockey rink for a cheap Happy Hour special and was greeted by an Italian bartender, Vinnie Zamboni the 2nd, who’s known to stir memories of ex-girlfriend’s past. Vinnie notices how Solomon Kornbluth is a tad low energy, hunched over his phone without much fiery glint in his eyes. Vinnie says, “Is that IPA stale champ?” Do you want something a tad lighter that’s more poundable like any yenta breath from Long Island on Spring Break?” Solomon Kornbluth laughs and asks, “What’s your story? Bartenders never make me laugh, unless they’re sporting a winter wool hat in summer.” Vinnie says “I’m Vinnie Zamboni the 2rd, my great, great, grandfather invented the Zamboni machine. I do the light shows for the hocky rink. My Zamboni driving days are behind me, cool job though when your 16. I plowed my fair of share of ice queen boxes on top of that puss plower machine. Solomon says, “What type of light shows do you produce? The one at Hayden Planetarium is boring, I felt asleep 2 minutes into it. Daughter woke me with a sharp elbow in my ribs and I yell, “What, God only made Neil Grase Dyson interesting for 2-minute spurts at a time.” Vinnie Zamboni The 2nd laughs and says, “You’re a pretty funny guy yourself. So, what’s bringing you down champ? Solomon Kornbluth says, “Just longing for some fun in the sun again, 2 unplanned kids later. That’s what I get for being a degenerate pothead who keeps on forgetting to ask his girl if she’s on the pill.  What’s bringing me down is realizing how I’m getting bored of my kid’s company and need to get back on stage again. Plus, my pinched nerve in my back is killing me since my wife forced me to see a Hate Speech Therapist since I stopped taking Adderall to focus less on how ahead of the curve annoying my wife can be after droppings lines such as, “I’ve sacrificed. She acts like an aspiring comedian in his early thirties wanted kids ever.  I’m doing a Google Search for a chiropractor, and I end up finding my ex in Hawaii who I met when I used to live in Hermosa Beach. How could I ever forget Summer King beyond those Hermosa skies? Then, I googled a comedy festival in Hawaii, but realized it’s been canceled because of this COVID damage done bullshit, so it got me down because I know I can win it. The only awards I ever won was Grooviest my Senior Year in High School and Most Improved Basketball Player at Sleep Away Camp. I was also wined and dined after leading my IT agency sales office in billing one month and got to party it up in the Sunset Room in fantastic LA once but that’s it. my But I want to win that comedy festival and blast off away in my comedy gold mobile wave runner, which nobody will ever be able to take away from me. George Gershwin lives, Challah, thank you very much. If I can’t afford to get my son the SS flag GI-Joe Aircraft Carrier for Hanukkah, at least I can let him ride my comedy gold wave runner mobile. How much would gas cost to ride that wave runner back to New York exactly? I’m still so broke, my Hebrew name is under Judicial Review.”

Vinnie says, “So I produce light shows flush with holograms of hocky legends both dead and new like Bobby Hull, The Mighty Messier, and reenact legendary fights like when Ty Domi fought Bob Probert in 94, when he poses with the belt around his waist, boy were those the days, pre-social media, before you had to hear lines on kids shows about some character being the Lebron James of stem cell research. What the fuck does that even mean? Is he a celeb Scientist that has his own brand of tequila spiked umbilical cord stump smoothies that he sold to Bill Gates for a cool 500 million or what? Can you believe kids today get Beyond Meat tattoos around these parts? I freelance as a Tattoo artist for my brother’s Tat Parlor in Danbury, CT called Body Art USA.”

Solomon Kornbluth says, “I’ve been telling my local Pizza owner Frank to make an artichoke slice using an alfredo cream sauce, versus just a boring white slice with flaccid, deathly off-white artichokes on it, that will inspire hipsters from Bushwick to make the schlep down to these parts just to Yelp all about it. Plus, I’m getting pissed about Bill Gate’s equestrian riding daughter already owning half the real estate in North Salem already. So, I love the idea of Frank being able to grab a meatier slice of that synthetic pea protein, beyond meat pie.” Vinnie says, “So whatever happened to your Summer Wind? Solomon says, “She smiled at me one day with her soul blasting eyes that screamed I love you, and for some strange reason, my eyes didn’t love her back. One time she died her blond, when I took her out to meet up with a friend of mine in Nappa and everyone thought she was a high-end prostitute, because she dressed real classy sexy with the tight dress, creeping up her ass. I loved kissing Summer King. We’d do weed shotgun kisses together, which were the best. We made veal piccata while watching the Soprano’s together, drank Pyramid peach beers by Hermosa Beach and nobody sported prettier feet in the sand than Summer King. Vinnie says, “Summer sounds like a real trophy wife material.” Solomon says, “Yeah, she even said, “Why don’t we move to Santa Barbara so I could write books and she could day trade to make us money for the time being. Boy, did I fuck that one up. Vinnie says, “I hate to bring you down more than you already are Champ, but you’re right.”

Solomon Kornbluth says, “Summer liked Metallica, Wu Tang, the Soparnos and loved everything about me. She thought I could be a big-time writer just from reading my Friends spec script for Christ’s sake. Vinnie says, “I already told you fucked up bro. I’m known as the ex-girlfriend stirrer but you’re just progressively pissing me off for being such a dumb fuck for expunging her from your life jerkoff. You don’t think I want to kick back in the sand with a hot Asian gal from Hawaii in pebble free Hermosa Beach with a gal named Summer King no less for Christ’s sake” I had to suck up summers in an ocean full of seashells and fucking nets of seaweed in Norwalk, CT for Christ’s sake. Plus, my brother owns this rink and its family tradition to keep it family operated. You’re a little old for it, but do you want a job riding a Zamboni? We’re already running around in circles, so why not take your sad sack sob story around the ice for a couple of laps because you’re bringing me down and enraging me at the same time. I’m paraphrasing but Mark Twain said writers write interesting stories who’ve possessed a series of interesting, varied jobs, so why not a give the Zamboni driver job a shot champ? You obviously have nothing better do with your time on a Sunday, ultra-wise King Solomon you’re not.”

Solomon Kornbluth took the job and smoothed over the rough patches with his wife at home before being promoted to chief Zamboni manager, who worked on his MC skills as the host of a weekly Karaoke night, rocking out renditions of Baba O’Reily with real deal star powered authority. Then, one year later, Solomon Kornbluth got his trophy and won the Aloha Comedy Festival, coming in 1st place and was able to take his wife, and mother of 3 children for endless, killer spins in his new comedy gold mobile for one memory rich victory lap after the next after, delivering a killer set for the ages that started off like this.  

Solomon Kornbluth Kills

It’s hard to keep cool when your kids were forced to wear masks like Michael Jackson’s kids on holiday in Bahrain.

If Michael Jackson were alive today, how would he defend himself against all his Neverland accusers exactly? Would the King of Popping cherries say, “All the Beatles royalty points in the world, can’ t buy me love?”

Anyone try Snoop Dog’s new wine?  According to Wine Advocate, it tastes like mouth wash used in porn hood hell.

Actually, gave up drinking beer last summer. It got humiliating spending so much time, hungover, recycling, endless reminders of my lush, littered past, as entire Rocky Marathons on AMC passed me by.

Did you know 4/20 is Hitler’s birthday? After learning this, I felt more betrayed than the time Sly Stallone snuck Mel Gibson into Expendables 3.

Stopped smoking weed till I discovered weed edibles, which are half CBD because I felt like a total moron trying to answer my daughter’s questions on the pure sticky stuff. Daughter asks, “Daddy if God created the universe, then who created God?  I say, “God went back in time in a Time Machine made by Elon Musk. Daughter says, “Real convincing Daddy. Thanks for making me an Atheist at 4.”

And this is Ziggy Marely being interviewed by High Time Magazine. Ziggy, how did your dad have 7 kids? Doesn’t ganja drain your ball sack dry? Ziggy Marely says, “Fake news, MAN.”

And if Obama is such a baller, why did he ride the bench at an all-Asian private school in Hawaii?

What if Bob Marley became President of the United States, so Obama didn’t have to? For starters, there’s no more trouble and it’d be a punky reggae party tonight and we’d be jamming in the name of the Lord, not in honor of Allah’s Gangster ruining paradise, especially since the hopeful one rebranded ISIS, ISIL, so they’d sound more start up friendly in the NY Times.

And ISIS Headhunters aren’t good recruiters. All they do is target other lonely virgins on Face Book Messenger like Good Will Hoodie/AKA Zit Face Zuck, who wish their phones blew up.

But killing the number 2 in charge of ISIS made it easier for ISIS to recruit. Like the head of recruitment for ISIS would ever honor a non-compete agreement with Al-Qaeda.

And why are radical jihadists so into deflowering virgins in Allah’s hymen hacking Paradise? Doesn’t Jihadi John have enough blood on his hands already?

Other text in the Koran also promises the duration of sex greatly prolonged and its pleasure enduring. Spoken like a like a true Virgin asshole till the end of time and I feel fine, Challah, thank you very much.

Solomon Kornbluth was later blown up to smithereens on his Comedy Gold Mobile Wave Runner in the Red Sea by Hamas terrorists after headlining a comedy tour there called, “King Solomon Kornbluth Lives”, because a 2-state solution is impossible if Hamas keeps fucking.

Still, what’s better than a 1st place Trophy is a new award in your honor, given every year at the Standin O Laughs Festival in Haifa called the Killer Kornbluth Award, honored to a comic that year, who exhibited fearless, killer shtick till his last dying breath.  

All 3 of Solomon’s killer Koshertarian kids won the Killer Kornbluth Award in their dear dad’s honor soon after. So comedic royalty in the mold of King Solmon Kornbluth did live on through Do It All Dad’s big three after all.

And Solomon Kornbluth had his new Zamboni Artist friend to thank for his victory laps in his Comedy Gold Mobile, taken with his 3 biggest fans in the universe while squeezing on to their dear dada with all their loving might in his custom made, stretched 3-seater Wave Runner. The same team who always stood by his side, especially when his comedy career was ice cold, when mama would threaten to kick him out the house whenever the mood struck, and not even Hamas, despite them trying, could ever that away from thee.  Unplanned favorites rule, proving once again how no friendship is an accident. O. Henry lives, Challah. Thank you very much.

Michael Kornbluth

Dangerous 3rd Grader Minds

3rd grader hipster spawn reared on Lou Reed records in Park Slope, Brooklyn says, “Mr. Gay, I know beastality isn’t exclusive to gay teachers like yourself according to Dr. Kinsey’s book Sexual Behavior in the Human Male, whose hard data studies suggests how men’s sexual histories are gay, dull, or completely full of shit all together. But what I’m wondering about today is why aren’t Mooses getting top billing in Beastablity flicks over horses? And you thought Meatloaf being excluded in the Oscars 2022 Memoriam after 43 million records sold was a slap in the face. I went on Youtube thinking Northern Exposure was an independent film parody of Midnight Cowboy, directed by John Waters, about a Moose who flashes for money in Times Square movie houses in the seventies when Peter Frampton came alive all over your daughter’s face. Divine already ate shit in Pink Flamingo’s in 1972, so she he sporting antler regalia, while sporting a replica of a John Holmes moose link dick isn’t too far flung of a concept to wrap your head around is it Teach? Also did you know that antler growth is based on testosterone levels? Yeah, I’m not getting any sustained stiffage with Scarlett Johansen as the voice of Alexa who sounds like she’s between estrogen throat blocker treatments either.”

3rd Grade Teacher, Mr. Gay says, “Retirement can’t come soon enough. Lucky for me, Florida is flush with anti-aging clinics, grooming schools are us, not so much anymore, Disney’s new theme park attraction, Land Of 3rd Legged Beauties, excluded. Challah, 2 Live Crew lives, being funny enough naughty as I want to be, Challah! Thank you very much.

Michael Kornbluth

Hate Speech Offense

Why did the audio have to cut out when Denzel and Tyler Perry were caught comforting Will Smith? Did Denzel say, “You try that shit with Spike at the Vanity Fair Oscars bash and I’ll jam your black privilege up your ass son, you dig. Just keep the black Medusa away from me. She’d scare P Diddy stiff with cucumbers on his eyes during a post Beverly Hills Hotel facial like Mila Kunis would with no makeup on.” How did Tyler Perry comfort Will Smith without having enough time for a Madea costume change backstage? To promote his latest and greatest film, “Bitch Slap Happy White”, starring Juan Howard.

And then Bradley Cooper trying to comfort Will Smith after Denzel and Tyler Perry failed isn’t too hilarious. “Will, if I could act like I achieved sustained stiffage from sucking face with Lady Gaga. You can pretend you’re not a black supremacist entertainer like the rest during the Oscars when you knew ahead of time you were going to win no matter what. Like the great Johnny Mac would say, “You cannot be serious.” Minnesota Congressional Rep Baby Face Omar Gonna Work It Out, can knock out Chris Rock with a Hijab headbutt to his Solar Plexus for Christ’s sake.”

Assuming the Will Smith slap was a staged one, it wasn’t a very convincing one. Jerry The King Lawler slapping Andy Kaufman over his chair on the Late Show With David Letterman it wasn’t. Apparently, all the brains in Hollywood died with Andy, Challah, Andy Kaufman lives, because he staged his death in the 1st place, you gullible pieces of shit, Challah. Thank you very much.

If the slap wasn’t staged, then why did Chris Rock look less fazed than when Sandler showed up to his wedding in his finest pair of Jam shorts?

The worst part about Will Smith cashing in on his black entertainer privilege while doing his best to distance and downplay his ties to the hip-hop gay mafia, is having to read in the NY Post about weird, weak, woke Howard Stern accusé others of mental health issues compared to fake news deep perm head, who treats catching COVID as a death sentence worse than back-end entry into the Dallas Buyer’s Club. The same weird, weak, woke Howard who never dared criticize the Thug Lives Matter Most protests, 2 billion dollars worth of damage later, or say anything remotely critical about the Russian collusion tales with less legs than Lieutenant Dan, out of fear of being disinvited from anymore 2 bite chicken parm dinners at Jimmy Kimmel’s house.

But hey, it’s all good, according to P Diddy after Chris Rock and Will Smith reconciled at the Vanity Fair Oscars bash, because “It’s all love”, like Will Ferrell ending his hundred-dollar million friendship with director producer writer star Adam Mckay because he casted John C. Reilly over him as Dr. Buss in Winning Time. Brilliant decision on Adam McKay’s behalf. Plus, he directed the Big Short, so Will Ferrell can go woke himself to. Out of character during interviews, Will Ferrell exudes the personality of a blah breathed Amy Schumer. Will Ferrell is somebody who deserves a bitch slap over forsaking his friendship with Adam McKay for a part on HBO, not the great Chris Rock, who Netflix can no longer afford to pay with just one rib. Regardless of Chris Rock losing anti-establishment cred after he shilled for Governor Cuomo as a clot shot pusher shamer like the rest, but nobody’s perfect. Or why else would any woman willingly bang Andrew, No I Won’t Jump Off My Own Bridge, Cuomo. He looks like The Thing and Mama Fratelli from the Goonies had a baby. Now, that’ an Oscar punchline worthy of the great Chris Rock, because Amy Schumer ain’t no moral compass of civility either. She thinks the group who voted for Hillary Hammer Time Cankles are the smart ones despite Huma Licker Breath failing to sell 64 million branded racists on why Baby Boomer Mom Knows best. But Amy Schumer still thinks Hillary lost to Trumpy Poo because of Russian collusion. That’s funny, I thought Hillary lost because she’s an unhuggable cunt, my bad. But it takes one to know one, right Amy? I guess Hillary deleted that memo to, Challah. Tony Clifton shits on, Challah, thank you very much.

Michael Kornbluth

Almost 50 Guitar Store Licks

Let me guess, you got up this morning and got yourself a personality, not. Anthrax lives, Challah, thank you very much.

Named my kid Arthur Morrison Kornbluth, which is a miracle because I created an actual flow to Kornbluth. Before he was born, I say to my wife, “Babe, were going to nickname him The Art Show.” Big sis tenses, already sensing his latent mojo rising and says, “No it’s my show.” I say, “I’m sensing blood in the streets of Scarsdale Village.” Peace Frog Morrison lives, Challah, thank you very much.

Actually, wanted to give the middle name Brooks to my son in honor of Albert Brooks, but I changed my mind because I didn’t want to give my son the permission to be a Jewish pussy.

Mom says, “I’m not in favor of my grandson taking Kung Fu.” I say, “Mom stop being. intentionally political annoying. We call can’t be seasoned sharp shooters like Kyle Rittenhouse who refuse to let mob rule while being attacked by pedophile members of ANTIFA like their weekly insurrection stipend from George Soros and Klaus Schwab are riding it on for failing to their monthly destructor quota. Also, mom what do you even mean when you claim to be against your grandson learning Kung Fu? He’s the handsomest kid in class, so he’s going to piss off jealous boyfriends like a bunch of mini–Jack Lamotta’s in the making from Raging Bull. Granted, Superman today is more into banging Faries into the futon couch while coming up from behind faster than a speeding bullet, but you get the gist. Also, mom Kung Fu was adopted by Chinese Farmers as a form of self-defense against Chinese war lords with no other intent but raping and pillaging their rapidly fleeting sense of security and welfare the way any good member of the Democrat party post has done pos COVID under the guise of the common good throughout our current land of decrepit, Democrat run deterioration. Last, what alternative would you prefer your grandson learning as an effective form of self-defense earlier than later ma? Becoming a rageful wannabe comedian at 45 with 3 kids to feed and marriage to uphold together who wrecks Everlast bag chains at home from decade’s worth of pent-up range for ever allowing himself to be pushover putzy in the 1st place, not that dad nudged to me change course ever prior. Of course, the moment I do find a means to fight back against hurls of disrespect and invective from old friends and family members regarding my chosen path to deliver hardcore hilarity for a living through the art of punching back through comedic righting song, you insist I throw in the towel because you invested all your hopes and dreams in your preferred son of choice, despite him possessing no discernable talent outside guilting you into breaking out in canker sores again because he’s pining for the days when he could afford more blow to impress his friends while only hearing only last call from the bathroom stall, got it.”

It’s hard to maintain your composure at the Guitar Store when the employee there treats your presence among your 3 kids with nothing but sneering disdain for purchasing First 50 Pop Hits Should You Play on the Piano. Meanwhile, I bet this snob rock putz was the 1st in line to see the Foo Fighters who insisted on playing to vaccinated only audience at MSG throughout his ever-long, far from dreamy, perpetually downer weepy, air-grounded, edgeless life.

Is that it? Oh, 50 Pop hits doesn’t do it for you Jack Black Light? Like you’d ever get your wife pregnant by mistake again, just so you could name your kid Zappa Zevon Kornbluth, excitable boy, you’re not. Actually, on second thought, Zappa Zevon Kornbluth is beginning to sound to overtly imposed pretentious on par with Bowie Hudson Kornbluth, so I’m thinking about going with Live At Leeds Kornbluth instead, Who lives, middle aged waste land, Challah. Thank you very much.

Is that it? Yeah, Lou Reed tried to charge Billy Idol for the privilege of recording with him, so you can go woke yourself to, Sweet Jane.

Is that it? It’s not my fault you’ve failed to achieve commercial success in life yet asshole. Prove that your anti-establishment enough to get kicked of Twitter for being a Wuhan Lab Leaker truther comedian and I’ll give a shit about whatever purported slaying soul you possess as the second coming of Buckethead, bore breath Brett. But I’m positive you possess a more beautiful play soul than twinkle toes Rhodes.

Is that it? What, All of Me by John Legend doesn’t do it for you? His wife’s scrunchie face doesn’t do it for me either, but at least he graduated UPenn before Ivanka did.

How to Save A Life by Adele isn’t on my playlist either. Nor was I ever into that song before she discovered the Keto Diet after Jenna Jamison did, I’m assuming. What was that original hit of her’s, “You Could’ve Had It All? You mean all your 300 pounds of you Mary Ploppins, even after the Keto Diet materialized in your favor, what a country.

I Knew You Were Trouble By Taylor Swift never gave you sustained stiffage either? But her lollipop lick them up legs have nothing to hide like Coroner reports on triple vaxed, famous performers.

Million Reasons by Lada Gaga has to give you a minor chubby bud. Gaga rocked when she sang Moth Into Flame with Metalica during the Grammy’s or did your pussy shrivel up and die after they came out with the Black Album to?

Roar by Katy Perry has to get you a tad titillated just based on the video of her nipple launcher bra alone. I get it, I’m with my 3 kids right now, all alone, and you’re thinking. Somebody’s got their hands full. If I get my own TV show one day called Better Than Boobie, the 1st ever father son cooking show, where we review homemade dishes that were either double fisters or yuck yuckers. And my wife finally agrees to an open marriage with Katy Perry, then my hands will be full.”

The Scientist by Cold Play isn’t about Fuck Face Fauci, so does that trigger you sense of moral superiority for still standing by Neil Young for protesting against Spotify for allowing a podcast interview with Dr. Malone, only the inventor the MRNA gene therapy used in the COVID vaccine who claims it work less than Frank Zappa did on doing less smug filled crowd work for a change like a wannabe Lenny Bruce minus the punchlines because he feared being branded as a Republican knowing his drug spurning stance outside of getting off his vanity vagina for recording every fart whisperer freak feast he ever recorded in Joe’s Garage, Challah. Mothers Of More Annoying Innovations lives, Challah. Thank you very much.

At the very least, you must like Rihanna’s song Stay right? Despite Dave Chapelle’s claims about her big ass forehead begging to be caught in the middle of another furious one 2 combo roundhouse by Chris Brown for overextending her stay in the car after insisting they listen to her chart-topping hits on 97.1 instead.

Still, I’m not getting the sense you jerk off to the most beautiful woman in the world, Beyonce, according to People Magazine, despite her uglier side emerging when she refused to stand for the National Anthem during the Superbowl because Demi Lovato reminded her too much of the white privileged version of Albama Shakes, Jeff Ross with bigger Jew balls, lives, Challah. Thank you very much.

Michael Kornbluth

Killer With A Cause

Edgeless comedy blows.

Reason to forsake Adderall. When you take it long enough in a row, it feels like a burnt-out devil is stuck in your head, intent on stealing your time, soul and brain from its intended form forever.

Yesterday, I sensed a lit agent being a smug prick in declining an offer of representation for my book The Koshertarian Comedian. So, I check his Twitter feed, which includes a retweet about Melania failing at defeating cyberbullying with a screen shot of her husband’s suspended account. So, just to fuck with him back, I email, “Fuck your fake news sincerity. Trump won. But keep thinking Mr. Groper got more votes than Trump or Obama Be Good ever did. Which is like claiming DMX gave up weed for catnip during Lent. DMX lives. Yonker’s is getting black as shit up in here Challah, thank you very much.

If you’re still concerned about catching COVID, then just admit your precious vaccine works less than Jared Kushner does on his tan, when he’s got Ivanka to do whenever she talks dirty to him in Mandarin on his birthday again, resuming her role as Christina Tightcoochie, otherwise known as Jewess Who Swallows. 2 seconds later, Jared Kushner blows a follow-up load for 2 minutes straight into her pearly white face and says, The Russians are coming, the Russians are coming. Hide your borscht soup recipe for Passover or we’re screwed Trumpy Goo.” Can I get a holla for some money blasting Challahs? Killer With A Cause, Challah, thank you very much.

The new mayor of NY consulted the mayor of Chicago, lead maker of blood controlling kits in our country, on how to tackle crime better than the cast of 21 Jump Street without Johnny Depp willing to resume his FBI informant role in Donnie Brosco Does BLM Busts The Most for anything less than 50 million in bitcoin and all the cases of Chateau Margaux Keith Richards can drink.

How can the mayor of NY tackle crime better? Why not, condemn Jussie Smollett for trying to incite a race war on Obama Be Good’s behalf and say to the NY media, “Deplorable is anyone who’s glad Jussie Smollett took a shot.”  At least it’s a start.

What’s a woman? 2 tits, a hole and a heartbeat, right? Next question. Nancy Denture Breath Pelosi needs a working heart for an actual heart transplant, so she’s off the to do list, Challah. Thank you very much.

What’s the science behind exempting the Mets 1st baseman from getting the clot shot over 1st responders who ran into the Second Tower without sweating the prospecting of catching an itchy esophagus? Gold Gloves matter most.

What’s the science behind discharging Marines who refuse to take the clot shot? Fuck Face Fauci is my friend, no matter what. Who cares if the DOD database says COVID vaccine shots cause a 300 increase in miscarriages? Court packing the Supreme Court with pizza partying throwing pedophile sympathizers means those kids would’ve been in breathing distance of early release child predators anyway.

The Don’t Say Gay bill will kill kids? Yeah, like Rolling Stone Magazine refraining from calling Michael Jackson gay killed off his age of innocence ruining terror like a smooth criminal. What would Michael Jackson say in his defense against all his Never Land accusers today Rolling Stone? All the Beatles royalty points in the world can’t buy me love.

Am I the only one who doesn’t think it’s kosher for the kindergarten teacher in Billy Madison to be teaching my kids about masturbation just yet? What can Veronica Vaughn add to that conversation that Do It All Dad can’t?  When your Pete Sampras, you can pick out any ball girl you like. And you don’t have to play with yourself anymore like you do with your GI-Joe figures.

In Kentucky they offer self-pleasure workshops for toddlers, which is fitting I guess, when finger food down there is considered anything that tastes like your cousin’s panties. Those same self-pleasure workshops offer hands on lessons on simulating masturbation called Giving Up Blow For Blow Painting to get off instead by Hunter Biden, AKA Sir Snort A Lot, whose done hearing last call from the bathroom stall at Molly Malone’s while his biker bud extras from the Sons of Anarchy yell, “Where’s Hunter? Who else is going to pay for this shit?”

My daughter has ruined Jello for me by saying, “It’s made of horse bones daddy.” So, I got back at and her said, “Linzer Tart cookies are made out of Unicorn Periods.”

It’s hard to keep the Tooth Fairy story alive when you blank on putting money under your daughter’s pillow again. Daughter says, “Daddy, is the Tooth Fairy even real? I say, “The Rock slept in for a change alright.”

Why would my mom think my brother’s ex-wife would return her diamond engagement ring after he expunged her inner light forever? That’s like giving a girl HIV unintentionally but expecting her to return the Lexington Steel replica dildo used to fuck her over and help seal the deal with.

Just learned that Zelensky had his 2 kids baptized. So, calling Zelensky Jewish is like calling Jihadi John Jewish, just saying. Which reminds me, ISIS aren’t good recruiters. They just hit on lonely virgins on What’s App, who wish their phones blew up. And a 2-state solution is inconceivable if the Muslim Brotherhood in the struggle keep fucking. Also, why are Jihadists in general so into deflowering virgins? Don’t these divine powered angels of light have enough bloods on their hands already?

My mom focuses way too much on my 11-year-old daughter’s legs, who go on for miles and miles. Granted, her hips already hit the ceiling. Still, doing my best Trump impersonation while judging my daughter’s statuesque figure in the making feels more off wrong than Kosher right for me but I’ll try anyway.  She’s Miss New York material for sure mom. So, clap your hands for the next Miss America but Trump keep your hands up where I see them. All of a sudden, I feel like I’m conducting a Zoom call with Jefferey Toobin at CNN for Drag Queen Reading Hour Appreciation Day.

I’m opposed to Drag Queen Reading hour, because fluorescent library lights don’t look flattering on anybody, especially on a poor man’s Marilyn Manson impersonator.

Why should I side with my great Aunt who fired her maid of 20 years for refusing to wear mask while cleaning her toilets? I’d prefer to take the maid out to lunch at Russ & Daughters and offer her all the smoked salmon platters she wants for sticking to her guns.

You know gas is expensive when 10 dollars isn’t enough to last you through smoking a half a pinner.

People Magazine is blaming blood clots on unhealthy diets now. Then, why is Raphael Nadal complaining of sudden chest pains? He abstains from gluten and from following the herd mentality. Wait a minute, that’s Djokovic, my bad.

How can you say sentences for child rapists are too harsh? 80 percent of the prison population wouldn’t be in there if they weren’t fucked over by some parental figure in one capacity or another. The arc of justice has gone straight to hell if Americans defend any Supreme Court Justice nominee pick who plays the opposition research Pete Townshend card while defending hand slapping punishment against pedophilia, when Joe from Scranton clicked on Soapybottomsnothingtoseehereatmoveon.org. Alex Jones lives, Challah, thank you very much.

Michael Kornbluth