Dear David Mamet

Guns don’t kill people if the FBI actually had a school shooting quota to fulfill. As if their pensions, book deals and shooting the shit time with Jack Tapper were riding on it.  The FBI should be banned from Starbucks, if they don’t follow up on the next school shooter lead. Coffee should be for closers, not for fake news do good posers, in FBI windbreakers.  David Mamet lives. Can I get a holla, for some Challah?  

Writers like you, Ayn Rand and Charles Bukowski have helped inspire me to make a semi enviable living off the page, so thank you. Or else I never would’ve received the pure thrill of writing The Great American Jew Novel, a midlife reinvention comedy tale about a Bashert daughter who becomes her unemployed dad’s talent agent to help make his do it all dad year come true. Diane Sullivan from the Midwest Book Review said, “The Great American Jew Novel exceeds in a hilarious New York exploration of the world of comedy and Jewish culture”, which isn’t a chopped liver praise for laugh yanker centric intended material either.

I’m contacting you because you’re only the only super Jew left in the biz who doesn’t suffer from Trump Derangement syndrome for starters, which has somehow gotten worse since the day Democracy died. It was impossible for me to block out your book The Wicked Son, when I was attending a reformed synagogue service in Ridgefield, CT, where my son Arthur Morrison Kornbluth, had his Hebrew naming ceremony prior. I chose the name Jermiah, because Muslims are cool with that Jewish prophet and I wanted to provide my son with natural immunity against charges of Islamophobia, in case of any his future woke classmates listen to any of my 31 comedy records posted on Soundcloud, inundated with various sparkling gems such as, “A 2 state solution is impossible, if Hamas keeps fucking.” Don Rickles lives. Challah, thank you very much.

I thought of your take on the Sunday Bacon Jews, because the woke rabbi in Ridgefield, CT, who sold his soul to the P.C police used expressions like Trumpism and dared to use COVID and the Holocaust in the same sentence. As a result, I wrote a last-minute chapter addition about this experience, which lead me to a Conservative synagogue in White Plains NY the following day, for my new book The Koshertarian Comedians, which is a story about getting my children excited about embracing the Koshertarian diet from the more laughs and yummy dances I get. Various agents have praised the heartfelt funny in the book, but it’s more than just a stand-up yuk attack to. 

I know you can’t read any unsolicited material, so I’m being sneaky Jewy about it and sharing with you my favorite comedy record recorded this summer, The Koshertarian Offensive Attack, to prove you’re not the last self-loving Jewish New Yorker at heart after all. A comedy manager referral, preferably a Jewish one with balls, who could embrace a practicing Koshertarian Comedian who’s never shied away from a good Hillary Hammer Time Cankles joke, would make a great early Hannukah gift to.

Best Always,

Michael Kornbluth

Promoting & Emoting

How do you elevate enthusiasm? Getting paid to give a shit always helps. If my dad could only make money off my comedy, he could become my manager and have a vested interest in emoting and promoting in my honor for a change. Versus acting ho-hum in my presence since I became a Stay-At-Home Comedian, who takes extreme offense at me asking my accountant if I can write off my never-ending joke gem dissemination on my Do It All Dad Year Podcast as a charitable donation. What makes me such a world class enthusiast today outside of yanking off my own material again long time, all the time? Never feeling the need to prove my cultural cool cred by attending Hamilton, which is worse than Obama rapping or pretending to be a world class baller because he rode the bench at an all-Asian private school in Hawaii helps.  Hamilton rapping isn’t divisive? But you were separated from 400 Benjamins before dinner, for the priveledge of hearing a play cited by Hillary Hamer Time Cankles at the Democratic National Convention, before she failed to sell 80 million branded racists on why baby boomer mom knows best.

Today, I’m giddy because a new broadcast audio app that allows fans and certain paid commentors to perform live running commentary for various sporting events is offering me an opportunity to shine as their new paid star comedic voice to rant and roll on my 1st love before Motley Crew and AC/DC, the New York Knicks. Actually, haven’t watched a Knicks game since the Knicks traded KP for a box of cotton candy because his Latvian brother agent made Knicks owner James Dolan painfully uncomfortable because he sounds too much like the Russian mob boss in 25th Hour. Prior, I never got over MSG management ordering security to escort Charles Oakley out of the world’s most famous arena for an alleged hate speech violation, despite Trump critics not having that silence treatment to squelch pro Trumpian trash talk just yet. From what I recall, Knicks owner James Owner biggest beef with Charles Oakley besides him openly criticizing many front office moves was an ex-Knicks player of Charle’s Oakley’s magnitude using his carwash owner and private barbeque catering money to pay his own way to floor seats at the Garden, without having to rely on any meager handout greeter jobs from Cardinal Dolan unlike Larry Johnson who had more mouths to feed last the time I checked.  Charles Oakley was always stronger at pulling off a convincing head fake from 12 feet out. If Larry Johnson wasn’t such an explosive player in the lane at UNLV and with the Charlotte Hornets soon after, he could’ve developed a more reliable pump fake in the driving lane earlier than later after he developed back issues from throwing it into every groupie south of the mason Dixon line. But the original super Jew Jesus Christ promoted the liberating power of forgiveness. So, I’m ready to give the Knicks another shot of love, which shouldn’t be a stretch, because I’m very confident in my ability to get paid to give a shit about emoting and promoting Knick fan enthusiasm again. Especially knowing how my future investors in me, are budding fans already and I’ve always performed with extra fiery gusto for those who took an effusive interest in my special sparkly brand of me.  Plus, the Knicks are stacked with youthful, versatile, ultra-agile talent this year compared to Knicks teams of winter break blur pasts, despite stand out moments such as John Stark’s jack in the box launch stuff over Air Jordan, back when Scottie Pippen rightfully bitched for getting paid less than BJ Armstrong’s nanny.  Bernard King huffing and stuffing, going to coast to coast like a bat out of Brooklyn on the A line express to Broadway happened a tad before my prime viewing on MSG time while soaking up the rhyming and styling profiling’s of the coolest, flyest color analyst to ever grace the mic, Walt Clyde the Glide Frazier. Sure, Latrell Sprewell showcasing some sporadic sprouts of spry dashing and dishing quickness in the lane after choking the crusty old white privilege out of PJ Carlesimo when he played for Golden State in a NY minute. Later, inspiring me to coin the New York Knicks Dictionary Modern Edition including such as hardcore hilarious entries such as Spree (V) To Flee from an impending choke hold.  Actually, used that 13-year-old punchline in my original cover letter that’s lead to my call back audition on Friday when I’ll be doing a live color cast broadcast for the Knicks versus the never scary Washington Bullets. No longer having to box out Wes Unseld under the boards could carry the masked Atlas on Five Avenue on his shoulders for Christ’s sake.

A new study says, Knicks fans are the most loyal fanbase, especially compared to Brooklyn Nets fans, who most likely never heard of Drazen Petrovic who would’ve manhandled Luka Donic like a 5-star Dallas stripper at Scores on audition night. I’m member of Generation X but have played no role in the garbage heap time suck the Internet has become. My generation has never been able to enjoy sex paranoid free despite Magic making HIV disappear. We’ve also lived through 9/11 in our twenties, multiple recessions going on 3, whose kids are forced to wear masks at school looking like Michael Jackson’s freak kids on holiday in Bahrain. Now, it looks like will pay more for monthly gas heating bills this coming dark winter than the electric bill tab for 311’s hydroponic farm in Santa Cruz for the year. As a result, members of Generation X like our comedy like our coffee, dark and bitter.  Any kid today sporting a Steph Curry jersey who’s never stepped over trolly tracks of shit throughout the streets of San Francisco is the apart of the bandwagon generation.

Anyone see the new doc on Dr. Fauci by National Geographic?  Did Ken Burns direct it or does he socially distance himself from mass murderers that have nothing to do with murder’s row on Yankee dynasty teams on baseball docs for PBS? Imagine Lou Gehrig breaking his iron man streaking after snagging an itchy esophagus from COVID?  Cal Ripken Junior wouldn’t have resembled Bea Arthur Senior on top, grinding out 5000 lifetimes to catch up with his extended playing streak already. Lou Gehrig had 25 bone fractures in his hand by the time he broke the all-time consecutive streak. So, I don’t see him quitting his rigorous playing steak over a severe case of the sniffles. They called him the Iron Horse for a reason, not Leo Epstein from Biloxi Blues. 

Daughter had after school Fairy Club today. One her classmates made fun of her for it. She said, “Fairy club is for little girls.” I said, “No it isn’t. Woke Superman is into fairies now to.”  Call me old fashioned, but I don’t want Superman speeding toward any hole of desire. He’s freaking Superman. Granted, Lois Lane was a fag hag if there ever was one. Still, aren’t superheroes similar to the Jedi because they reject the life of fleshy pursing passion, even if they’re capable of shooting off loads faster than a speeding bullet on a bullet train to an Octopus anime porn convention in downtown Tokyo, where only the hell hole dammed roam.  How would Superman today describe an uncircumcised penis? Would Superman say, “Picture the earthworm from Dune if you’re about to entertain Paulie Pine Nuts at Scores for a Saints of Newark after hours party.  Was it me or was the portrayal of a young Tony less arousing than Dr. Melfi in bellbottoms? Also, my friends went to bodegas to get forties of old English, when we were underage. Old E, Snoop Dog’s old school ho sprayer of choice. But for some frigging reason, a young Tony isn’t enterprising enough to score some beer without his connected uncle’s help?  Tony couldn’t have scored some malt liquor at a bodega in Newark, who wouldn’t mind poisoning the white boy with more demon drink for a change? I thought Tony was in fucking Mensa. Couldn’t have Tony made his own moonshine like an east coast version of Larry Flynt for Christ’s sake. At the very least, you’d think Tony would dick over some putzy Jew kid with a bag oregano without fearing any major beatdown repercussions. So, he could score enough money to have some wino score a bottle of Night Train. Axl Rose was a crazy hick from Indiana who was capable of enough to hustle for the stuff after being welcome to the Jungle. But the budding young criminal mastermind genius known as Tony Soprano couldn’t break into the football’s captains’ parents liquor cabinet to give Carmela a bada bing to sort of remember after cleaning out all the schnapps already?

I got an update from my oral surgeon on my wisdom teeth just taken out. He says, “I just spoke with your dentist Dr. Silver, and he’s thrilled with progress of your mountain dew mouth now? I say, “It’s a good thing, I didn’t wear my new Kyrie Irving jersey today or else I would’ve fucked up the party for everybody.” Oral surgeon doc laughs long time. Yeah, so back the drama free Knicks. Derick Rose proposed on the Garden Floor, and nobody blew the rape whistle on him in the process.  So let’s start promoting and emoting about the new and improved New York Knicks already and focus on our big 4 for now to get my Knicks smack talking mojo working again.

Kemba Walker

Even my younger brother texted me, “We got Kemba.” And were not Face Timing each other to sleep either ever. “We got Kemba”, is a great line though. It sounds like Knicks management snagged an alpha dog from Dikembe Mutombo’s village, who’s danced, pranced and romanced into our forlorn dreamy hearts before even stepping foot on to the world’s most famous arena that’s bigger, brighter and flat out cooler than Michael Jordan’s Zoom call displays of heart ripping out dominance. Michael Jordan was never deemed threatening enough to be murdered outside of his apartment in the Dakota building, OK.  Can you imagine John Lennon doing a fucking Hanes commercial? Like he’d actually reveal his shit stains after trying to snuggle off some CIA strength strong acid with Yoko.

Derrick Rose

Derrick Rose can still elevate and shove your hate in your face at a breakneck freshman phenom pace. I made a rape whistle joke prior, but he was cleared of all charges and kept by the jurors for autographs soon after. So how creepy of an impression did he make after all? R. Kelly he’s not.

J.J Barrett

Is a lottery pick done good, which is a rare event for the Knicks franchise like Patrick Ewing ever getting a coaching offer from them. J.J Barrett is a Duke grad stud, who plays in your face de while shooting 40 percent when launching way from downtown three’s. He’s dare I say without being accused as racist, a high IQ player. Meaning, J.J had a much better math SAT score than I ever did to get into the Harvard of the south, Duke, is all I’m saying. And I’m twice as pathetic, because my math SAT score was still abysmal, despite me being a) part Jewish, and b) taking the test untimed, to the point when I was done, my friends had already declaring their major’s sophomore year in college at Washington University.

Julius Randle

Just had his second kid, which is a great omen for more auspicious, hooping and swooping to come. He was voted an all-star last year and made Knicks fans believers in hardcore loyalty materializing sometime in our favor eventually again post 1999. Prince lives although Julius Randle has a stronger, fiercer handle than the prolific prince of pop art rock. I don’t care if black entertainer defender extremist Dave Chapelle tells me any different. I love Julius Randle’s smile and resent free chip on his shoulder to prove last year he was no fluke has been never was real deal all-star championship bound caliber player. He’s a less streaky John Starks in the making. Plus, the addition of two franchise player point guards in Kemba and Rose, will create easier buckets for his teammates to create more space than Octomom after push 5000.

Honorable Mention Supreme

Coach Tom Thibodeau

How does any hardcore Knick fan loyalist not love Tom Thibodeau even before he won Coach Of The Year honors last year and ushered the Knick fans back into dreamy fantasy land with greater do-good possibility than ever before man? Fuck Phish New Year’s Eve shows of MSG past. Coach Tom Thibodeau is the Knick fan faithful’s best chance of making that elusive parade down the Canyon of Heroes on Broadway possible while never sweating the possibility of Greek the Freak, dragging his big ass along the court like a Van Gundy off the rack rag doll from the nearby fashion district on 36th and 6th. Tom Thibodeau will ensure the Knicks play hardcore DEFENSE, which always makes your team more competitive than the rest, especially when he’s also giving this new stupendous team of young spry neophytes the green light to drain more balls than Led Zepplin groupies for the directors cut of The Song Remains the Same. Can’t wait to hear the Garden roar of old when Messier, Hogan and Dice were on top. New York needs a winner again. So, I have a good excuse to call pops. Go New York, go.  

Michael Kornbluth

Running On Shtick

The Obama’s deciding to cut off Nancy Pelosi from their birthday bash invite list.

Obama: We’d cut her off from the open bar eventually anyway.

Michelle: I wonder if her nipple taps taste like Grey Goose by now.

Obama: I could get into getting pegged with those gallon jugs swinging against my bony ass from behind.

Michelle: Let’s just hope the capital police don’t turn their backs on denture breath when shit really hits the fan.

Michelle: Whatever you want Barack, but there’s no way were serving Snoop Dog’s new wine. What will our neighbors in Martha’s Vineyard who used to live in the Upper East Side full time like Spike Lee think? Wine Spectator says, “Snoop’s wine tastes like mouthwash used to porn hood hell.”

Obama: I could still get into the satanic hag pegging me from behind for a sloppy lush push. If she tears through our open bar like Cujo, on Joe’s extra strength Adderall. After I smoke through the remainders of my Presidential papers with Snoop and Martha Stewart, for teaching Malia how to make her own bong out of a Fuji Apple during our last vacation in Maui at the 4 Seasons. I better spray that ragged old ho with some Old E 1st, Snoop’s over the hill ho, sprayer of choice, to get into the mood 1st though.

Convinced I conquered COVID 19 through schtick after plowing through 3 comedy records on Sunday. But putting our country under permanent masked lockdown, relegating all business transactions through Zoom, assuming Jeffrey Toobin can behave, and keep his hands up high where his editors at the New Yorker can see them, will make our economy great again in no time.

Just to appease my nurse wife, I’m getting a COVID test, so my kids don’t have to have an abortion hanger jammed up their nose against their free will. Nurse wife says, “It’s just a little prick, that will make you tear.” I say, “That’s what Michelle Obama said, before she pegged Prince Harry’s freckles into the royal rug at Buckingham Palace, after a post Wimbledon party that got out of hand. After Meghan Markle lost a thumb wrestle bet to Michelle despite she he using her pinkie. Joan lives. Can I get a holla for more jokes to get me taken down faster than Dominion employee pages on LinkedIn the day after Democracy died, Challah? Thank you very much.

To make matters worse, I’m getting my test in a Whole Foods parking lot in Chappaqua, Hillary Hammer Time Cankles country. I say to my nurse wife, “Does this make me a marked man, like when Hillary made funeral arrangements in the woods once she caught wind of Chelsea’s fiance considering increasing his asking price while walking down the aisle as a form of last minute leverage at last the sec? And we all know how much Hillary doesn’t like blowing money on fine China, after jacking all of her white privilege China from the White House on her way out the door, to feel more more smug secure compared to her Hedge Billionaire neighbors within the elitist woke wench confines of northern Westchester country, which as a whole, exudes less sex appeal than Meghan Mccain trying to excavate a couple of Pizzeria Pretzel Combos out of her belly button on any given Sunday, when John Water film retrospectives with Divine resume for plus size ladies who mattered much on IFC.

My mother overhears me wailing on my new electric Stratocaster guitar in the garage while practicing the open C chord again and again. I greet her upstairs when I’m done playing and she says, “Nice playing son. I still think you’re incapable of making any sustainable income off any form of creative expression. But at least you’re not expecting me to show any interest in another fruitless diversion to distract you from providing for your family of 5 post COVID or not. Despite claims of you being a grossly overlooked, shadowed Hair Metal Comedian, whatever the fuck that means. And I thought Democrat pundit putz breathes on CNN excelled in verbal gymnastics. From where I stand, you’re the Mary Lou Retton of contorting run on sentences to only perfect landing scores in your mind.” I say, “I hate run on sentence critics mom. It’s not my fault, your CNN controlled brain is too slow to keep up with my gender fluid shredder flow, no offense. Like Rodney before me, I’m running on Schtick till the end of time and I feel fine. REM lives, holla, thank you very much.

Michael Kornbluth