My Son Is Going To Trade School

I hate run-on sentence critics. It’s not my fault your slow and can’t keep up with my gender fluid flow.

Critical Race Theory is bullshit. Guaranteed money in the NBA, regardless of injury, is so oppressive.

The Muslim Sisterhood in congress don’t have an issue amplifying their voices in America either Jack.

Howard Beal was killed in the movie Network over lousy ratings. CNN’s worst nightmare come true.

British accents are unwelcome intrusive like Boris Johnson’s wife staring in my general direction.

Does Triple AAA offer ANTIFA roadblock assistance because the Proud Boys will do it free of charge?

Night screams mean you care about living. Or else you wouldn’t be afraid of dying before making it.

New York will come back, but everybody has left, except Free Palestine protestors and The Halal Guys.

Forcing kids to wear muzzles is wrong. Boris Johnson’s wife at the G-7 summit, not so much.

Jill Biden is a tacky, small town ho. Biden wears her panty hose when he can’t find his mask.

Masks are the new condoms only because I can’t cum in my wife wearing one either. 

99 percent of people survive COVID yet Fuck Face Fauci, AKA, Dr. Gnocchi pushed endless lockdowns and triple masking of our kids while acting as if COVID depresses your immune system more than entry into the Dallas Buyers Club.

Hydroxychloroquine can increase your survival rate by 200 percent. What’s up with that study Doc?

Still, Dr. Fauci used his power to block the use of it. He’s Dr. Kevorkian in reverse.

Biden is donating thousands of free COVID vaccines to Africa like a poor man’s Bill Gates who can’t code for shit either.

Sanctuary cities is encouraged lawlessness on crack.

1 kid only means, your diaphragm is for walls after all.

I’m against unlimited immigration because I’m not a proud member of the rapist enablement party.

If calling Baby Face Omar, a Jihad loving runt cunt, makes me alt-right, then I’m alright with that.

Where were you when Fox stopped counting the ballots? Thanking God JFK didn’t die for nothing. Yeah, me to.

My mom texts me Happy Father’s Day on the wrong day. Her happiness for me knows no bounds.

Boris Johnson’s wife, woof, woof needs water breaks, not my son 2 minutes into basketball practice.

My wife wants me to get COVID to say, “You should’ve worn a mask going down on MAGA mom.”

Trump Won signs at MLB is my new favorite America pastime, after telling Lebron to go woke himself.

The Mueller Report court hearing proved what again? Mueller parts his hair with gritty, elbow grease.

Did Drago pop out of your voting booth and demand, “Vote Trump or I’ll break you.”

When the Statue of Liberty went dark. I bet DeBalsio forgot to pay the Con Ed Bill on time again.

I hate the term helping others unless you’re applying for a job that says help wanted.

Maintaining relationships is overrated among those who think Mr. Groper won by a hair alone.

My son is going to trade school to become a landscape artist. Because NYC will have to start from Ground Zero at this rate. Or he could become a furniture designer within his own private studio and avoid charges of sexual harassment because he’ll design his own state of the art safe space for jerking off. Or he could become programmer and work remote unlike those software engineers who were charged with sexual harassment pre-COVID, despite them leaving the impression that they were too busy banging out new code to hit on girls anyway. Plus, I thought only ugly girls went to coding boot camp. Also, don’t programmers wear those yenta breath noise canceling headphones at work for a reason. Last, the typical Pearl script command isn’t, “Massage my carpel tunnel ho.”

My daughter’s 4th grade teacher just made her classroom writer tutor. Parenting matters to.

Michael Kornbluth

The Manhattan Jerkoff Project

If you want to teach your kids about masturbation, send your kids to Dalton prep school for 50 grand a year on the Upper East Side of Manhattan. They’re teaching kids about masturbation early as 1st grade, imparting liberty preserving lessons like jerking off being our last safety rail left kids.

The question is, assuming Dad is beneath teaching his kid about the importance of jerking off to avoid disease and charges of rape with due process being deader in our country than Mia Farrow’s judge of character. Where would you prefer your kids to learn about masturbation? At sleepaway camp with your kid’s camp counselor or at school from a professor who teaches porn literacy at Columbia College? Porn literacy, do the parental controls at Dalton prep ensure the porn categories on their laptops are only visible in Latin?   Forcing our kids to read porn categories in Latin, is one way to bring dead languages back to life in no time. It also ensures Dalton kids won’t be accused of Xenophobia for refusing to take a class trip to Vatican because they know what giving communion in the dark means in Latin. The main reason Dalton is teaching kids about masturbation and only allowing them to surf porn written in Latin, is because some catholic donor wants to make their Latin club great again. So his son can sprinkle his debates with more highbrow nicknames than Trump could ever belch out on Twitter like BAT SHIT CRAZY COVIDITUS PELOSI. Holla, thank you very much.

The teacher at Dalton claims the masturbations lessons in the animation video were misinterpreted. Because jerking off videos like Topless Tudors are so ambiguous.

In the masturbation video animated kids discuss how touching themselves, makes it point in the air. “So, Johnny, you ever touch yourself to Dora and feel the need to cover it with multiple backpacks? Holla, thank you very much.

Parents who send their kid to Dalton claim to be enraged over their kids being show masturbation videos in the 1st grade, but they want to remain anonymous, refusing to come out on Tucker Carlson out of fear of being kicked off Facebook or else they’d lose all showing off privileges.

Aren’t the parents who send their kids to Dalton high powered lawyers, hedge fund managers and plastic surgeons for trans teens reared on Lou Reed records, considered less disposable employees than the rest, assuming they shit in MAGA hats on company retreats in the Bahamas? And how does speaking out publicly against Dalton’s teachers sexualizing their kids age of innocence get somebody fired from a hedge fund in Connecticut bringing in 4 billion a year? Does office security yank you out of the executive corporate john, on the top floor, only to sing, “You don’t come around here no more.” Tom Petty lives, holla, thank you very much.

Michael Kornbluth

The Manhattan Jerkoff Project

If you want to teach your kids about masturbation, send your kids to Dalton prep school for 50 grand a year on the Upper East Side of Manhattan. They’re teaching kids about masturbation early as 1st grade, imparting liberty preserving lessons like jerking off being our last safety rail left kids.

The question is, assuming Dad is beneath teaching his kid about the importance of jerking off to avoid disease and charges of rape with due process being deader in our country than Mia Farrow’s judge of character. Where would you prefer your kids to learn about masturbation? At sleepaway camp with your kid’s camp counselor or at school from a professor who teaches porn literacy at Columbia College? Porn literacy, do the parental controls at Dalton prep ensure the porn categories on their laptops are only visible in Latin?   Forcing our kids to read porn categories in Latin, is one way to bring dead languages back to life in no time. It also ensures Dalton kids won’t be accused of Xenophobia for refusing to take a class trip to Vatican because they know what giving communion in the dark means in Latin. The main reason Dalton is teaching kids about masturbation and only allowing them to surf porn written in Latin, is because some catholic donor wants to make their Latin club great again. So his son can sprinkle his debates with more highbrow nicknames than Trump could ever belch out on Twitter like BAT SHIT CRAZY COVIDITUS PELOSI. Holla, thank you very much.

The teacher at Dalton claims the masturbations lessons in the animation video were misinterpreted. Because jerking off videos like Topless Tudors are so ambiguous.

In the masturbation video animated kids discuss how touching themselves, makes it point in the air. “So, Johnny, you ever touch yourself to Dora and feel the need to cover it with multiple backpacks? Holla, thank you very much.

Parents who send their kid to Dalton claim to be enraged over their kids being show masturbation videos in the 1st grade, but they want to remain anonymous, refusing to come out on Tucker Carlson out of fear of being kicked off Facebook or else they’d lose all showing off privileges.

Aren’t the parents who send their kids to Dalton high powered lawyers, hedge fund managers and plastic surgeons for trans teens reared on Lou Reed records, considered less disposable employees than the rest, assuming they shit in MAGA hats on company retreats in the Bahamas? And how does speaking out publicly against Dalton’s teachers sexualizing their kids age of innocence get somebody fired from a hedge fund in Connecticut bringing in 4 billion a year? Does office security yank you out of the executive corporate john, on the top floor, only to sing, “You don’t come around here no more.” Tom Petty lives, holla, thank you very much.

Michael Kornbluth

Visions Of Hamas Social Workers

If Biden condemns the surge in hate crimes against the American Jewish community, then why doesn’t he stick Kamala Harris on it? She’s married to a rich Jew. Tell her hubby to redistribute his wealth to moderate social workers in Hamas. Social Workers for Hamas can deprogram Jihadists in Gaza through exposing them to LinkedIn thought leadership posts by Marc Cuban on how to design high definition video portals to sell Hashish Hookah’s Made in Gaza, not controlled by those blood sucking Jews for a change.

Social workers for Hamas can push a hate filled Jihadist into attending coding boot camp, if they don’t wanna waste their lives digging death tunnels for terrorist groups like Hamas for a living. Only to get denied entry into Hebrew University prior because they described their experience digging tunnels used to kidnap, kill and maim in the name of you know, as a rewarding, lived experience to emulate for Hamas’s version of Habitat for Humanity. Holla, thank you very much.

Imagine a Social Worker for Hamas from Berkeley, urging a teen Palestinian to give up dirty bomb making for designing killer virgin dating apps such as “Blood On The Burka” instead?

Social Worker tries to break the ice by quoting Bob Dylan 1st and says, “Look Samir, it’ ok to rely on government assistance when you’re optionless otherwise. Like Bob Dylan said, “Show me someone that’s a not a parasite, and I’ll go out and say a prayer for him. But I won’t draw a cartoon of Muhammed riding his underage slave wives after dark like a MAGA hat sporting Dr. Seuss, alright. I’m being deadly serious Samir. Designing killer dating apps such as “Cherry Bomb Popping” can change your corner of the Arab world, which you’re terrorist leadership has destroyed willingly to score more international aid from the UN to ensure you remain dependent, genocidal terrorists for hire forever. Virgin dating apps can usher in an era of calm to Palestine not seen since the Second Tower went down faster than Obama did at a Chicago Bathhouse during Arafat Appreciation Month. The advent of killer virgin dating apps such as, “701 Virgins Now, You Sand Ho Bitch”, will bring death to jerking off and give birth to a less hate filled generation of Palestinians. Who won’t be so sore about nearly sandpapering their dicks into shawarma shreds, mangled up and blue.

Michael Kornbluth

Zionists In Bed With Groping Biden

Zionist boomers caught in bed playing around with the idea of voting for Biden again deserve to have their circumcised flap of discarded skin sewn back on their mouth.

And all those fake news Zionist boomers who refuse to condemn Hamas, Iran, the media, our Muslim Sisterhood in congress, the wealthiest avowed socialist of all time Bernie Sanders, and our Fire Crotch press secretary in charge of pushing more Jew blood libel because her boss is such a staunch supporter of Israel’s right to defend itself without using it’s defense weapons it paid for in it’s defense, have all been unmasked as the real big headed, hate filled extremist pricks through and through. Holla, thank you very much.

Zionist boomers who voted for Biden should be forced to donate their monthly social security checks to the PLO when DeSantis becomes our next president because they should be forced to pay the price for whole heartedly backing the terror hellbent on bombing whatever good will our country once had to offer into smithereens.

Zionist boomers who voted for Biden should hide in Burkas till they die. No amount of makeup or plastic surgery will ever erase the ugly hate they exude inside and out anymore. So what difference does it make? Hillary Hammer Time Cankles lives again. Holla, thank you very much.

Zionists who voted for Biden need to sue their shrinks who also suffer from severe Trump Derangement Syndrome for aggravated assault against their mentally deranged beyond repair psyches for siding with Terrorist groups launching nonstop rockets into Israel like they can’t rid of them fast enough. Who have less respect for human life than Planned Parenthood’s ironically detached name of business.

Zionists who voted for Biden are dumber than the rocks Palestinians threw at Israeli’s during the good old days before their top Presidential pick gifted them 200 million to afford big boy rockets designed to kill large swaths of innocent Israeli life, which even war mongers like Dick Cheney would consider the antithesis of child’s play.

Zionists who voted for Biden are scary dumb. Even W, took a break from eating glue and finger painting maimed Navy Seals he gave PTSD to after pushing Collin Powell to sell whatever shell of integrity he once possessed to mention on 1st leg of new book tour how Iran is the evil regime behind backing all the Hamas terror attacks against Israel in the 1st place before they ever would. Because baby boomer arrogance never dies.

You know you’re scary stupid for thinking Obama 2.0 on crack cocaine would have Israel’s back against terror attacks. Knowing Biden lives in Greenville, Delaware, whose state motto should be changed to, “Your Nazi gold is safe with us.”

Boomer Zionists who voted for Biden are responsible for World War 3 when Israel decides to wipe Iran off the map next time they try to send an intercepted drone to take out Amare Stoudemire’s big man camp in Tel Aviv. I love Amare Stoudemire. He embraced playing for the New York Knicks immediately when he came out as a Jew after signing his 200 million dollar contract with the Knicks. All of a sudden Amare proclaims, “I went on Ancestry.com, turns out I’m a black Hebrew like Lenny Kravitz and Slash. So I’m one of you now. My success is yours. Danny Shays. I fucked him, oh. I can’t take no more. Dice lives, holla, thank you very much.

The worst part of Boomer Zionists who voted for Mr. Groper is how none of them are experiencing buyers remorse whatsoever. Because A) They know the election was stolen, so their vote wasn’t in tune with America’s will in the 1st place, which should make them feel like 2 time dumb ass retards for thinking they knew the real pulse of America from watching CNN again and again while distancing themselves from their Trump supporting offspring like they could catch HIV from catching a glimpse of their MAGA hat after they went on a barebacking summer tour of She Males in Brazil for a real summer of love last summer. B) Boomer Zionists still believe the lie about white supremacists in this country being the main driving force behind unpunished violence in this country if you don’t criticize critical race theory, you cracker ass, wannabe slave holding motherfuckers.

Boomer Zionists think White Nationalism is responsible for all the domestic terror caused by BLM and ANTIFA this summer because after Obama got elected twice, 80 million Americans were in the midst of acting out a latent midlife white supremacist crisis. Don’t blame the FBI though for spending more time following the financiers of real terror in our country than they do shaving and scrubbing the police records of punisher vigilante wannabes in hoodies within ANTIFA, who never outgrew their pyromaniac phase.

Zionists who voted Biden will never admit they made a mistake. Instead, they’ll stick to playing Bridge and eating more Shrimp cocktail from Costco while Rachel Maddow praises Bernie Sanders for hating Israel more than his putz prone father. Who couldn’t teach him how to change a tire if his open tab at Katz Deli and nearby dry cleaners for perpetual spicy brown mustards stains was riding on it.

The same Bernie Sanders who on his application for the University of Chicago claimed to be part Native American Indian for their financial aid package before starting to major in Zionist Conspiracy Theories designed to turn Palestine into South Africa East.

Bernie sanders states in his college application for financial aid, “My dad is part Cherokee. Why else would his childhood friends make him an Indian whenever they played Cowboys and Indians by nicknaming my putz prone dad on the run from the white man, “Trips on Curbs.” Name another Jew in the sixties who refused scalped tickets to see Simon and Garfunkel in Forrest Hills after the Graduate broke big? Name another picky Jew who asks for the Buffalo Burger menu at Katz? Still not convinced, my dad, Trips on Curbs isn’t a native American Indian Jew? The man could drink Hillary under the table on an empty stomach after breaking his fast on Yom Kippur. You don’t think Hillary is deplorable, fall down drunken bitch? Then, why on the last leg of her past campaign tour, if you want to call it that, Hillary look more unbalanced than Hunter’s checkbook? That woman is less stable than Sarah Silverman after Global Warming destroys more pot crops in the US than Trump banning Neil Young from performing at Farm Aid.

It’s hard to get your proud Jewish daughter who draws Stars of David everywhere to start Hebrew school next year, if she learns that the Rabbi in charge voted for the candidate who enables terrorist trust fund babies like the Crimson Guard Commanders from GI Joe.

How do I sell my daughter on embracing their antizionist education there again? I might as well concede, “Israel’s critics are right. Hitler had the right idea after all. Rabbi Pushoverstein would’ve drawn a map for the Gestapo to find Anne Frank if they let him snuggle up with some Cookie Crisp cereal and bunch of Carrie Bradshaw books under a roaring fire next to the ovens, as Russ and daughters ashes blew in the wind as their dreams of selling smoked Nova for a living on the Lower East side went up in smoke.

Zionists who voted for Biden are lost souls without a cause besides sucking off the fake news goodness of Obama’s race war inciting legacy till their last dying breathes. I don’t see the original Super Jew Jesus Christ being in such a forgiving mood these days either. Although I’m positive Michelle Obama will urge Americans on Twitter after our eventual burning mask party to still give scowling a chance. Kamala Harris is the hottest thing from Canada since Alanis Morissette gave fellatio drawn out over the course of a double feature a chance.

Michael Kornbluth

The Fanatical Circle Jerk Of Despair

A group of Jews got jumped at Sushi Fumi on La Cienega by oppressed Palestinian Nationalists. What did saggy tits Silverman have to say about the incident on Twitter to draw attention away from her tits sagging popularity for the past 20 years already?

Jews in the diaspora need allies. WE ARE NOT ISRAEL. And we sure as fuck aren’t the Israeli government.”

Did her weed brownies kick in before this brain fart or what? Is this the same Sarah Silverman who questioned President Trump’s maturity when she’s the one who still takes bingers in hoodies into her late forties? The same dronish, grating hack who never outgrew her tasteless jokes phase? She says, “We are not Israel”, in all caps. Watch out Lenny Bruce. You bet your cream cheese ass America isn’t Israel. Their citizens actually respect their commander and chief. Unlike Mr. Groper and your lover boy bust Obama who still houses Valerie Jarret, his live in Arabian horse whisperer. The same Valerie Jarret who drafted the time out nuke deal with Iran, including 200 billion to make their economy less reliant on the sale of hair removal products for the Kardashians. You’d jerk off Jihadi John, if it got you 6 million more followers, you blah breathed disgrace to your race. Way to completely wreck whatever good girl Jewish veneer you had left, you Jihadi jerker offer. Holla, thank you very much.

I call to schedule a hair appointment for my son. Kid Salon Owner says, “What’s your number Mr. Kornbluth. I tell her the number and say, “Just don’t give out the number to Hamas because my last name is a dead fucking giveaway. She laughs. I add, “Are you free later tonight to grab some Matzah Ball Soup. Salon Owner laughs long time again. Because I’m a hilarious sexy Heeb, unlike Saggy Tits Sarah, thank you very much.

Joe Biden praises ‘Fighter’ Rashida Tlaib, after she publicly confronts him on Israel. And says, “Drop a couple of pounds, and Talib Kweli fucker wannabe will be all up in your sandy brown snatch in no time.

AOC is preparing a resolution that would block the US sale of bombs to Israel to rearm their Iron Dome missile defense system that only takes out Palestinian Rockets. It has no offensive capabilities besides enraging every frothing Anti-Semite under the sun, especially the horse faced ones who compare immigration holding centers with centralized AC to Nazi death camps. Nazi Death camps at Auschwitz were used for more than lice removal babe. And what makes you think you’d survive Hitler’s wrath? You’d be rounded up with all the other pick pocketing gypsies by the Gestapo for thinking you fulfill the Aryan idea of being another aesthetically pleasing Libra like Pearl Necklace Harris, which throws the entire astrology chart into question. Holla, thank you very much.

MSNBC’s Hayes says, ‘Can we get an Iron Dome for Gaza, so children there ‘don’t have death rain down upon them?’ Ask Natalie Portman to fund it on the down low. She’s moving to Australia to avoid vicious hate speech attacks from afar anyhow. Holla, thank you very much.



Did you know 20 percent of Hamas rockets end up backfiring, landing in their own backyard, killing more of their own citizens to do even more ethnic cleansing on Israel’s behalf? Who knew Hamas was capable of exhibiting such retweet worthy compassion for human life, regardless of peaceful religious doctrine adherence or not? Holla, thank you very much.

But Hamas is willing to accept a ceasefire under 2 conditions. 1st dibs for all kids being taught critical race theory at the Disney satellite office for the Al Jazeera network. 2nd, Hamas gets the Big Guy’s 10 percent cut from cultural appropriation consulting fees paid to the Republic of China. Holla, thank you very much.

Has Kamala Harris visited the boarder yet? Or will she require a translator from Telemundo as all the American ICE agents barrage her with chants of, “Choke on a chocolate babka you stanky ass, punta bitch. Compare ICE to The Klan again, Halle Berry. And stop pretending your black. You didn’t even know if Tupac was dead or not. If you’re black, David Duke is the new racial sensitivity trainer for Disney Kids.



How is Israel an apartheid state again? Hamas is trying to wipe Israel off the map, not the other way around. Here’s a concept Palestine, stop throwing violent temper tantrums that put everyone in danger, and Israel will stop grounding your cry baby Hamas commanders into the ground, six feet under, ok.

How is Israel an apartheid state again? Are Palestians being denied interviews for IT recruiter jobs in Tel Aviv because IT recruiters get les respect than stay at home dads under permanent COVID house arrest already prior?

Are Palestinian woman even allowed to reveal their headshots on LinkedIn yet?  

And killing Hamas terrorists doesn’t make it easier for Hamas to recruit. All of a sudden, you expect Hamas to respect a non-compete with Al Qaeda?  Holla, thank you very much.

Last, Hamas aren’t good recruiters. They just target other lonely virgins on What’s App. Who wish their phones blew up.

While Addressing a graduating class of Coast Guard cadets Mr. Unity quoted mass murder Mao and said, “Women hold up half the world. While the other half walk out the knots on Bob Kraft’s back. My dear friend Al Gore doesn’t promote sex trafficking by frequenting massage parlors behind his wife’s back because he only requests older ones who weren’t yanked off the boat yesterday.” Holla, thank you very much.



Claiming BLM only hold signs is like Biden claiming he only sniffs Strawberry Shortcake.

BLM only holds signs. And Michelle Obama only holds her birthing people hole whenever she runs out of duct tape from Costco again. Joan lives Holla, thank you very much.

If BLM only holds signs, then who caused 2 billion dollars’ worth of damages during their peaceful protests against resisting arrest during this past summer of love? And why is eating al fresco no longer a viable option for a night of relaxation with your cracker ass white bitch wife ever again? Blame the signs for all time low NBA ratings, as they plummet into China sounds like a reason to love the NBA game again. Holla, thank you very much.





Michael Kornbluth

Michael Kornbluth

Israel’s Loving Feeling

I don’t know what’s more annoying. Jew hater reps in congress defending Palestinian terrorist attacks on Israel or the US media’s fawning over the marriage between Kristen Bell and Dax Shepard. You love your wife’s teen boyish backside Dax, we get it. I’d call my wife soft and generous to if I could get her into another 3 way again, 3 kids later, after that promised boob job on top, that never materialized in my favor, holla, thank you very much. And calling Kristen Bell or Dax Shepard “hilarious” is like calling Alex Rodriquez and J Lo weighty deep with subtitles for an Ingmar Bergman film retrospective on Telemundo version’s of IFC. 

And why is Dax Shepard relapsing after 18 years of sobriety national news all of a sudden? You’d think James Taylor took up heroin again in need of more than a friend. How pathetic is our current state of celebrities in our country when Dax Shepard and Kristen Bell get seated next to Jay Z and Beyonce at the Met gala? I guess, the event organizers wanted hip hop royalty to feel the least overtly threatened by any credible form of discernable, jealous inducing talent in their midst. I’m surprised Lena Dunham wasn’t plopped down next to Beyonce as a party of five, so Jay Z’s wife could feel less cheated in the looks department with no makeup on compared to the hunchback of Bushwick during Restaurant Week.

Memo to antisemitic runt, aka, Baby Face Omar. If you fire 400 rockets into Israel’s backyard, don’t expect an Edible Arrangements Gift Basket in return, with a thank you note written in Farsi.

Would the Jew hating US media prefer the LGBT community to comment on the colorful firework display of whizzing rockets lighting up the Israeli sky last night instead?  A gay right wing florist in downtown Tel Aviv rants on Medium with loaded sardonic bite, “The end of Ramadan always ushers in such a pretty sparkling sky. Who needs a vaccine stamped passport to visit Disneyland now? You can’t beat a firework display like this, especially when Biden gifts Hamas a cool 200 million to finance such a breathtaking array of sparkly spewing light. This is starry night recreationist wonder at it finest. Seth Rogen would totally light a joint to this shit although I still wouldn’t fuck him with Rashida Talib’s dick. And isn’t it adorable when Baby Face Omar describes Israel’s right to strike back as an “act of terrorism”? Personally, I’d call it an innocuous revenge fuck, but that’s just me. Let’s not act as if Israeli forces burned their Hashish crops, poisoned their chickpea farms, replaced all their rocks with rubber ball playgrounds from McDonalds and stripped the broadcast license away from Al Jazeera in a coordinated effort to delegitimize their insidious disinformation campaign about Israel being the one guilty of perpetual aggravated assault over the protracted annals of history.”

Seth Rogen won’t work with James Franco again because of sexual assault allegations against squinty. First, I know a girl who used to bang Franco who claims he has a small penis. So why would a predator force himself on a desperate actress, knowing she’s not going to feel anything but fake news casting couch distress 2 seconds after? Second, I also heard James Franco is bi-sexual, so how uncontrollably horny would you get around a d list actress knowing how gay men in general are a tad less selective and more open to giving anal a shot? Especially if James Franco mounting you from behind is the equivalent of Kristen Bell’s pinkie being jammed up your butt, as James Franco says from behind, “Let it go. If I don’t take away your anal virginity, Marilyn Manson will. Holla, thank you very much.

I’m beginning to feel like Tony Soprano because of my mom’s constant push to get me vaccinated for COVID after I already explained how the non-FDA approved, fake news vaccine has already killed 4000 Americans in the US alone. I’m also not the size of Chaz Bono’s belly button ring either. I also look after 3 kids when my mon’s in Arizona as my mother in a law reclines herself to death in a torn up Lazy Boy chair in Greenville, Delaware from 86. So, I can’t afford to get violently sick from the experimental gene therapy COVID shot or risk becoming paralyzed like Christopher Reeves without those monthly residual checks from Superman 1 through 3 arriving on our doorstep every month either. Also, I’m too busy banging out more sheets of comedy gold for my next killer set loaded comedy record to take five million more shots afterwards to fight off the latest strain of COVID from England, that will cause me to break out in varicose veins and a constellation of moles from head to toe. Last, if Don Lemon pushed his adopted trans son to get an HPV vaccination before he’s old enough to buy an Equinox gym membership in Chelsea, I’d trust his good intentions behind jamming his COVID vaccination pitch down America’s gun-shy throat with such breathless fury.

Michael Kornbluth

Dr. Seuss Is Tony Robins For Kids

Dr. Seuss’s illustrations are steeped in harmful stereotypes they say. But I don’t recall him drawing a picture of BLM protestors looting the Gucci store, who refuse to pay.

Dr. Seuss drew a picture of a topless African in a grass shirt. He’s a racist then, it’s set. But I didn’t know Fubu was in fashion yet.

Has anybody complained about the hooked nosed, Goblin Bankers in Harry Potter yet? You know Mel Gibson was overjoyed with that movie set. Did JK Rowling, think, I’m hiring Mel Gibson as the set designer on my flick, Mel being a throbbing Jew hater dick, makes him my automatic number one pick.

What if I don’t care for Green Eggs and Ham? This means what, I hate the Irish race and refuse to play beer bong with them at such a rapid fire pace? Or does it mean, I insist on watching Irish movies with subtitles because of the funny way they sound, while also refusing to unfold my arms and dance in junior high to more Jump Around?

Dr. Seuss drew pictures of Asians eating with chopsticks, how sick. It’s worse than drawing a picture of Cardi’s B dropping her slippery chopsticks into her cum bucket, full of other forgotten stuffing’s in there like a lost lost chicken nugget.

What happens in the book, And To Think I Saw It on Mulberry St? Did Sonny and his crew beat up a bunch of rowdy bikers on the street, because they sprayed beer on the bartender and should’ve stuck to ordering their drinks neat? Wait a minute that happened in the Bronx Tale. American made mafia tales about the working man can’t be beat. I only wish Chazz Palminteri’s acting career, still packed so much heat.

Dr. Seuss is the Tony Robins for kids, who continues to inspires millions of kids to keep fighting for their dreams, instead of recommending they watch, 13 Reasons Why, whenever they feel their lives are falling apart at the seams.

Dr. Seuss was right. There is fun to be done and games to win. Just stop playing the victim, give Twitter a time out or just dump your tablet into the trash bin.

Michael Kornbluth

Mr. San Diego

Grilled fish tacos are lame, especially the ones from Baja Fresh, a popular health-conscious LA fast food chain, where your sense of charming individuality and personalized edge flat line to death and die. Are grilled fish tacos healthier than battered fried ones? Did Tony Gwynn strike out less than a teen George Brett at Daytona Beach on Spring Break?  Also, did the 8-time batting champion, who batted .391 in 94, who hit .412 against the equally nerdy Greg Maddox in the post season, ever leave the impression, he’d spray even more doubles all over Petco Stadium if he went on a diet with Kirby Puckett and only ate In and Out Burgers ATKINS style, using lettuce as buns instead?  If you’ve never made your own homemade Big Ups Batter Up Beer Batter Baja Fish Tacos or never sampled the all-star goods from San Diego founded, famed fast food Tex-Mex chain Rubio’s, to inhale their battered fish burrito in 7 bites max, then your life sucks more than the snotty clogged Lupus from the Bad News Bear, before he snags a high fly ball over right field and chants with sudden clear voiced, take no shit bravado, “Just wait till next year”, before pouring beer on Miguel who looks like the uncoordinated Latino Tony Gwyn in the making.

Now, I’ve fried up Icelandic Cod using the standard, eggs, flour and panko breadcrumbs, or from using homemade discarded breadcrumbs ones, blah, blah, blah, yet all those crispy exteriors, even the non-blotchy, all covering coating jobs were flimsier than Wade Boggs power numbers against Roger Clemens during batting practice compared to my Lagunitas infused beer battered one. Regardless, if Nolan Ryan drank the cocksure Roger Clemens under the table the previous night and beat his ass in darts with overpowering, clutch precision, only to throw the upstart hothead into a crippling headlock for trying to call fake news bullseyes one too many times over a high stakes game of darts during All-Star weekend in Houston, when Robert Redford was deemed young enough to play the Natural because the casting director wanted a more stoic, wooden version of Kevin Costner if possible.

Big Ups Batter Up Beer Batter slams all other breaded exterior concoctions out of the park by providing far superior crunch, snap and pop like Barry Bonds on the HGH, before his balls become the size of gumballs, better suited for the kid in the Bazooka Joe comic strips back in the day. Still, the added juicy, crackling oomph my Lagunitas IPA beer batter, mixed with rice flour, flour and baking powder required more rounded out flavor to make this Baja fish taco, the go to hot dog substitute to snag at the ballgame in Petco Field where the San Diego Padres play because HGH alone wasn’t responsible for Barry Bond’s breaking, Hammering Hank’s homerun record, knowing if I took steroids at sleepaway camp, I just would’ve struck at a more accelerated speed. If you’re going to make a consistently clutch, hit heavy Baja fish taco from home, you must add more boogie down balance and funky snap by rounding out the lineup  with a homemade pickled, purple cabbage slaw with jalapenos and Mexican oregano in addition to spreading the mini warmed flour tortilla with plenty of sumptuous, chipotle adobe mayo crema love, lined with plenty of chili powdered, in your face, spiky kick like the edge of Ty Cobb’s extra sparkly cleats up your ass, as he flew home like a bat out of hell in another blaze of natural born killer glory.

The Baja Fish tacos were a real hit with my kids, earning plenty of, “delicious nods”, so much so that I decided to make it a double header and serve them on back-to-back to nights this past weekend, doing my best hit heavy, consistently clutch, Mr. Sand Diego impression with endless joy spewing, Spring Training is almost here cheer.  For back-to-back nights, in our humble east coast Abode, Tony Gwynn, Mr. San Diego, the 1st ballot hall of famer, who would’ve most likely hit 400 or higher similar to Ted Williams during the abbreviated 94 strike seasoned lived again, especially knowing he didn’t become so pleasantly plump like fellow high average hitting sluggers such as John Kruck in the 90’s from sticking to protein shakes and black bean soup for after double header game feasts to. Even Don Mattingly, Mr. Neat, would’ve gotten his mustache and pristine pinstripes drenched in the crema from these Big Ups Batter Up Beer Battered Baja Fish Tacos, to eat his little hometown blues away, especially after the 94-strike season killed his shot at playing for the Yankees in the World Series, only to rip the ball off its seams into his favorite go to right field pocket in the House That Ruth Built, to make his own childhood Natural fantasy come true to.

Michael Kornbluth

The Shoe Salesman Son

“I used to dress like you,” the dapper 17-year-old shoe salesman says at the Nordstrom located in The Westchester in White Plains, NY. Baby Boomer Grandpa replies, “Actually, that’s why I’m here.” I live in Scottsdale, Arizona now with my wife. I don’t mind the heat. Plus, everything is very causal in Arizona, so I never feel compelled to dress up anymore either, which includes my wife to. She didn’t even bother brushing her teeth the one time we had a whole year to get ready for our 1st Skype call with our granddaughter back east. I could literally see my wife’s Dunkin Donut’s breath fog up the screen during our chat. Me, I’m still sporting the same pair of ashy tennis slacks from 86 according to my 1st born. What’s the point in dressing up fancy anymore, unless we’re going out to dine out in Arizona for Italian and pretend the food is barely edible again, compared to our old haunt off the Grand Course in the Bronx, which served the best Veal stuffed with prosciutto in a white wine, mushroom sauce ever. Now, my wife insists she’ll let me die alone in the August Arizona sun if I don’t stop dressing like a baby boomer bum. It’s bad enough how my 1st born calls me a fake news hippie for never visiting the Grand Canyon after living in Arizona for 9 years, despite my Bob Dylan collection being more eclectic than most.”

The Nordstrom Shoe Salesman Son says, “I actually prefer Dylan’s later work on the Tempest, Soon After Midnight, Pay In Blood, Long and Wasted Years, Roll On John, forget about it, it deserved all 5 stars it got in Rolling Stone. Modern Times wasn’t chopped liver either, Working Man Blues chokes me up a little inside because it makes me think of my dear Dada every time. I never outgrew calling him Dada despite being 17 already. Baby Boomer Grandpa says, “My dad never bonded with me over Bob Dylan. He just called me an idiot for struggling with pre-calculus more than my brainer Jewish friends who attended Bronx Science.”

The Shoe Salesman Son says, “My Dada jammed all the Bob Dylan folklore down my throat ad- nauseum. Bob Dylan was a member of the Latin club in high school, he’s an amateur boxer who has a huge mural in his Malibu estate of Jerry Garcia to prove jam bands matter. The Grateful Dead did a killer version of Visions Of Johana in addition to refusing Bob Dylan’s offer to join the band. Allowing Dylan to tour with them as the opening act after recording an album called Dylan and The Dead wasn’t enough for Robert Zimmerman from Minnesota because baby boomer arrogance never dies, got it Dada.”

Baby Boomer Grandpa says, “I never got into the Grateful Dead personally, although seeing them perform with the Allman Brothers and The Band at Watkins Glen would’ve been worth the trip on bad acid for it.” Shoe Salesman Son says, “So tell me why your wife is a chronic pain in the ass again?” Refusing to dress up for her these days, makes me think, you’re trying to get back at her for hogging the blankets for the past 50 years or for playing slovenly favorites with your 2 kids, I’m assuming, you tell me. I just want to know why dressing up for your golden years, free of financial worry or any nagging subconscious desire to reconnect with your sons on a deeper, more meaningful level besides trying to convince your 1st born why Lebron is a greater player than Michael Jordan, despite King of the Persecution Complex never playing with a broken back like Larry Legend when he beat Magic’s Lakers, with mind melding behind the back passes and consistently clutch jump shots which were never looked like line drive chucks either.”

Baby Boomer Grandpa says, “It’s not as if my wife is spending hours getting lost at the local Sephora store to stock up on new makeup items either. But if I’m honest with myself, the real reason I’m not dressing up anymore these days is because I ‘m an old Jew who only got dressed up in the past for synagogue or work because I had to. Granted, wearing nice suits to work when I used to work as VP of sales for a packaging company in New Jersey, made me feel like hot shit, but that was the eighties before Steve Jobs started rocking the Grandma Jean, casual Friday look. I think the Beatles are vastly overrated to, especially compared to the Rolling Stones. Name one rocker by the Beatles, which would make your life feel complete if you got to hear the song in person in the sixties, assuming it never got loud enough for The Fab Four to hear their own voices singing.  Yeah, that’s what I thought, and Ferris Bueller singing Twist and Shout on a float in the Loop of downtown Chicago doesn’t count either.”

Shoe Salesman Son says, “My Dear Dada was always more of a John Lennon fan, Watching The Wheels and Working-Class Hero being his most liked songs by the Liverpool Lip, when he used to look after me during my younger stay at home pre-k years.”

Baby Boomer Grandpa says, “I never bonded over rock and roll with my dad. I did get my 1st born into Dylan though. He even bought us tickets to see Levon Helm, part time singer and drummer from The Band, at one of his midnight rambles in Woodstock once. Positive my son snuck off into the woods to puff a one hitter to. It’s better than doing more blow and only hearing last call from the bathroom stall like my youngest. Shoe Salesman Son says, “Have you gone to any rock concerts together with your 1st born  since?” Baby Boomer Grandpa says, “None, I took him to an Arizona Diamond Backs game in Phoenix once. He talked up a storm as usual with a long-haired lawyer next to us, who came from money, I think. I recall the lawyer going out of his way to tell me what an impressive brain my son had. And I thought my acid usage in college resulted in more synapse incineration deterioration than others. Starting that Bob Dylan record review club with my 1st born Joshua, wasn’t the worst idea he came up with either. I should call him now, don’t you think?”

Shoe Salesman Son says, “Sure, unless you want to die a distant father with an aching gash that feels like a corkscrew in your heart. Bob Dylan lives, holla, thank you very much. My Dada is no longer a stay-at-home dad but a big-time comedian now, that’s his catchphrase he uses on his Do It All Dad Year Podcast and on stage during his residency in Vegas now to. Dada told me if college doesn’t interest me, I could always stay home longer but get a job in sales job that offered commission, so I’d understand the empowering, momentous surge derived from incentivized performance-based jobs, which make you feel on top the world in charge again.”

Baby Boomer Grandpa says, “Give me 2 pairs of those Echo shoes, one in navy and one white, size 8. Those hipster kicks should tone done my wife’s bitching for a bit. Thanks for pressing me to reconnect with my 1st born on a deeper, long lasting level this time around. He’s still trying to make it as a writer. Who knows, maybe, we can write a book together called, “Bonding Through Writing Dylan Record Reviews With Dad.” What, only Bob Dylan is allowed to be a wordy Jew?”

Michael Kornbluth