Category: entertainment

Lake On Fire

by doitalldadyear, posted in entertainment, politics, sports

Kari Lake should be picked as the speaker for Howard University’s graduation ceremony if she becomes Vice President in 2024.


Kamala Harris wanted to be here.


But she pooped out after playing kick the can with her clit in St. Barts.


Eminem called Trump the new Hitler.


But when Trump bought Mar-A- Lago, he lifted the ban on Jewish membership, Slim on Facts Shady.


Remember when Kevin Hart backed out of hosting the Academy Awards over a homophobic tweet?


Did the Hip Hop Gay Mafia get under his skin too?


Did Kevin Hart wake up next to Little Nas holding the dirty Aids needle that the Deep State used to take out Easy E?

What I love about President Trump is his relentless optimism and over the top salesmanship.

If President Trump got pricked with the same dirty needle used to take out Easy E.

The President would tweet on Truth Social the following morning.

“Do I have full blown Aids? Yes, but my T-Cell Count numbers have never been stronger?”

But Robert Kennedy as our new Secretary of State nudged me to allow Dr. Gnocchi to be eaten alive by Michael Vicks prized fight dogs, so it’s all good. MAGA glory lives, Challah, thank you very much.


But back to Kevin Hart. I’m not a Kevin Hart hater, just a short-on-laughs audience member at the BET Awards.


Nicki Minaj and I are tight, alright.


Nicki agrees.


The COVID vaccination shot works less than Russell Westbrook running the Triangle offense.


Now, Melo is officially retired.


I want him to get hired as the news spokesperson for Tampax Tampons.


Name another player besides Westbrook, whose been responsible for stopping so much flowage.


We overcame election fraud this time because Hair Plugs Sniffer caused World War 3 with Russia.


500 zillion later, you’d think Zelensky could afford a new shirt.


Now, I know why they call them army fatigues.


If White Supremacy is the biggest terrorist threat in America, then Whoopie Goldberg is the new Chief Happiness Officer for Breitbart.


All the deep state sleaze that overthrew the will of our people, are white. But they were no match for Hershel Walker after Trump elected him as Attorney General.


The Georgian Bulldog knocks off their heads one by one in the 1st ever-televised MMA match outside the White House.

How many crunches do you think Joy Behar can do? Before she pukes out an unhuggable cunt alien in The Day Democracy Died.


Dana White wanted to call the event “Rumble In The Rose Garden.” But at this point, President Trump was done beating around the bush. That’s Louie’s job. So, President Trump named the one-night-only event “Hershel Walker vs. the Swamp Thing State.”

The pay-per-view event paid off our national debut and got our economy roaring again, ushering in a new era of energy independence because fracking is good, Lisa Simpson. Fracking reduces our C2 emissions. So, yes, Neil Young is full of shit too. Besides, our country’s addiction to Mountain Dew and Crystal Meth offsets our country’s low birth rates after the COVID vax did.

God bless Howard University and Puffy Daddy for making Biggie blow up bigger than Hillary after stress-eating herself to death in Gitmo like Pizza The Hut.

The USA has got its mojo back, Jimi Hendrix lives, Challah; thank you very much.

A hologram of Jimi Hendrix appears in front of a purple, red, white and blue because Jimi would want it that way, as the Star-Spangled Banner plays from Woodstock as we fade out, USA, USA, USA!

Michael Kornbluth

Chosen Clutch Ones

by doitalldadyear, posted in business, entertainment, sports

I love my new Air Jordans. They’re called 6 Rings. Lebron calls them. Wind beneath my Arch Angel Wings. What? According to Snopes Knows Best, Arch Angels are the second lowest rank of angels, after MJ, Larry Bird, and Magic. You don’t believe me, King of the Persecution Complex? Snopes Knows Best is a well-regarded fact-checking website, according to MAGA-hating Alexa. Snopes Knows Best debunks urban legends like you being the one most like Michael. Dunking at your son’s high school basketball games during warm-ups isn’t equal to Nate the Great skying over Dwight Howard in a Superman cape champ.

Stop pouting, King. I know you want to call Jokic a white Serbian nationalist worse than calling Anthony Davis softer than the Grand Dragon’s new pillowcase thread count after getting a gift certificate for his birthday on Overstock.com.

Jokic taunting you in your dreams as the fake news chosen one who just got swept in the Western Conference Finals is a terrifying thought to contemplate in a post-thug’s lives matters most universe; I get it.

But if you’re serious about getting bumped up to Jesus Shuttlesworth’s status in He Got Game. Then, rely on something other than a Hall of Fame sharpshooter to bail you out for the NBA finals game. Instead, win three more rings to be spoken in the same breath as Choke Free Jordan, champ. But oddsmakers leftover from Tony Soprano’s crew, since Jimmy the Greek’s extended family went into the Gender Fluid Greek Spa tour business, are betting against you flying high among choke-free angels of yesteryear like Mike if you think teaming up with your son Brony Bonbons from Bel Air will get the job done. Didn’t his school Sierra Canyon High School, lose to Harvard West Lake, where Jason Segel from How I Met Your Mother used to be considered a low post-threat?

Larry Bird beat Magic on a team that had Worthy and Kareem on it with a broken back. Magic Johnson never took flopping lessons from Lena Dunham, rocking the arm flapper look on Instagram, while getting into character for the Hunchback of Bushwick during Restaurant Week.

Higher ranking angels like MJ, Bird, and Magic were consistently choke-free, which you can’t claim based on your shooting percentages in 4th quarter games against the white Serbian nationalist alone.

Make HIV disappear like Magic without access to his top-secret Truvada stash and you’ll achieve higher ranking angel status in my book, United We Laugh, I prove it every day.

Chosen Clutch Ones live, Challah thank you very much. 

Michael Kornbluth

When America Winces

by doitalldadyear, posted in blogging, entertainment, humor, politics

At a parent-teacher conference for my son’s Kindergarten class, his Spanish Teacher implores us to bring Spanish to our home. I raise my hand and ask, “Isn’t one home invasion enough?” 

When America winces, Challah, thank you very much. 

Self-Defense is deader than Kyle Rittenhouse’s prospects during pledge week at the University of Arizona. 

When America winces, Challah, thank you very much. 

I wish toothpaste tasted more like Bud Light. So, I wouldn’t taste anything afterward except Kid’s Rocks spurned tears. 

When America winces, Challah, thank you very much. 

Now Kid Rock can’t play beer pong with groupies on Spring Break in Daytona Beach without his gag reflex kicking in to the image of a Dylan Hepburn finger popping American Badass from behind to Devil Without Cause?

When American winces, Challah, thank you very much. 

10.8 million Tik Tock followers are ten times platinum. So, I’d lose my zest for pounding Bud Light on the front leg of my F Hair Plugs Sniffer Tour, Born free, my balls.

When America winces, Challah, thank you very much.

I’m guilty of wincing after asking Alexa how many followers Dylan Hepburn Mulvaney has on Tik Tok before finishing that joke. 

I didn’t wince because Dylan Mulvaney is trans. I winced because she’s hackier than John Mullaney’s act in Jerry Seinfeld’s Bar Mitzvah suit. 

When America winces, Challah, thank you very much. 

I also winced at the thought of how Dylan is the best American-made Trans talent Tik Tok offers these days. Our Chinese Overlords wouldn’t consider Dyland Hepurn Lady Boy gold material of any kind, especially since the price of the US dollar is more depressed than Trumpy Poo’s tits knowing that Operation Death Speed continues to cause more cases of cardiac arrest than torn condoms on Bill Maher’s party bus tour of Rio De Janeiro during Marti Gras, sponsored by Third Legged Beauties.com. 

When America winces, Challah, thank you very much.

I bet Dylan Mulvaney isn’t even real, just a CIA-made, augmented reality version of what a trans influencer spokesperson for Bud Light would look like based on John Mulaney’s stool sample alone.

How Dylan’s sex appeal alone is generate 10 million followers on Tik Tok? It sounds more prosperous than John Mulaney selling out Madison Garden because he had the balls to after Seinfeld for a change. Cosby was rapist for 4 decades in a row. What happened to your powers of observation then Jerry?

When America winces, Challah, thank you very much.

Click Farms in India wince at padding Dylan’s numbers more than they did for the creep Swede in Succession.

When America winces, Challah, thank you very much. 

Michael Kornbluth 

Intensely Doable

by doitalldadyear, posted in comedy, entertainment, humor

If Nike wanted to help the Black Lives Matter Movement.

They’d make a new ad campaign message that said, “Just Stop Resisting Arrest”. Hashtag, Thug Lives Matter most, not so much, which is intensely doable if Charles Barkley is doing it. Intensely doable BLM jokes live, before I’m permanently canceled next time I do that joke at the Post Office, Challah, thank you very much.

Is your mom’s mood ring, pissy yelllow passive aggressive like mine?

Intensely doable mood ring jokes live because I’m written out of the will anyway. So what difference does it make? Hillary Hammertime Cankles strikes again, Challah, thank you very much.

Michael Kornbluth

Unplanned Fatherhood Yucks

by doitalldadyear, posted in blogging, entertainment, family

What’s the best thing about unplanned fatherhood, 3 kids later?

Drinking alone is no longer an issue.

I gave up drinking beer last summer during my year without beer. Because beer bellies give self love a bad name

Plus, it was humiliating to spend so much time in front of my kids, hungover, recycling, endless reminders of my hopoliscous past as entire Rocky marathons on AMC passed me by.

I quit edibles too because they’d kick in after I thought my daughter was asleep already.

And whatever buzzy calm I felt went poof once my daughter would ask, “What do you do after tucking me in?” Finally, I snap and say, “I squeeze in 2 minutes of me too time alright.”

When my daughter was younger she’d ask hard questions to amswer after the edibles kicked in when I thought she was asleep already. She’d ask, “Daddy, if God created the universe, then who created God?” The best I could come up with was, “God went back in a time machine made by Elon Musk.” Daughter says, “Do more edibles Daddy. But thanks for making me an Atheist at 4.”

Did I mention how my 11 year old daughter has breat buds now? According to my wife, she’s the last person in class to get them. So I say, “Then, why haven’t yours sprouted yet?”

Now I’m going to do an impersonation of my daughter in fight prevention mode again. Pause Daddy, my mama got your point mid breath.

Unplanned fatherhood yucks, challah. Thank you very much.

I also quit taking adderall after writing like a Jewish angel on it for the past 12 years in my mind.

I quit adderall so I’d focus less on how ahead of the curve annoyomg my wife can be, especially after threatening to kick me out of the house if I gave our kids, the common cold through Covid. An itchy esophagus matters too.

All time most annoying line is, “I’ve sacrificed.” She acts like an aspiring comedian in his late thirties into third legged beauties.com wanted kids ever. The 0 percent waist fast doesn’t hurt.

Unplanned Fatherhood yucks, Challah, thank you very much.

And if hospitals were so overwhelmed at the height of Covid, how did Nurses have so much free time on their hands to work on their elaborate Tik Tok dance routines for their new Chinese master overlords to spy on from afar.

I calls my 2 sons Stud Alerts on the loose. I won’t send them to junior high unless they have a lawyer by their side at all times to hand out pre-poundage consent forms. They might be gayer than I am. One time, my youngest son asked his older brother to sit on his penis and I say, “Not Kosher baby, but that is a rock solid line to use on a busty vixen in a Russ Meyer remake of Busty Beauties or Topless Tudors.”

But my oldest son is the best slacker alert ever. He’ll say, “Daddy, no box jumps today.” I say, “I got food poisoning from the Halal Guys, long Covid and Aids through Zoom with Andy Dick.” And slacker alert son will fire back with, “Enough with the excuses daddy. You’re worse than Hillary.”

Unplanned fatherhood yucks, Challah, thank you very much.

Michael Kornbluth

Losing Passions

by doitalldadyear, posted in entertainment, poetry, writing

Why can’t you criticize Billy Crystal without being deemed a bad Jew?

Just because he plays a curmudgeonly asshole comedian in Mr. Saturday Night?

Despite Jewish law prohibiting you from working during the Sabbath during your ordained day of rest?

If you want to get rid of your kids, start reading The Webster All-In-One Dictionary and Thesaurus 15 minutes before their school bus arrives.

Suddenly, I felt like Moses parting the Red Sea.

You want to make the earth move.

Start reading your kids, The Webster All In One Dictionary and Thesaurus.

My kids sprinted for the door like a bat made in Wuhan with Racoon rape rabies was on their tail.

They parted with their Nintendo Switches faster than Juno sliced off her tits.

One night, my youngest son asks, “Daddy, who’s Moses? I say, “A stuttering Jew who came through.”

Another night, my wife said, “The Bible is meant to be interpreted as Metaphorical.” I say, “Then, why are you being anal about ass play again?”

I devised a new tradition for Hannukah to instill Jewish pride among my kids called Hannukah Hat-Trick.

When you get 3 gifts for one night of Channukah, it doesn’t matter if they’re all big Kahuna gifts; you yell, “Hannukah Hat-Trick, Challah. Thank you very much.”

My wife expressed concern about my new tradition because I’m still so broke my Hebrew name is under Judicial Review.

My wife says, “Don’t get crazy with the gifts this year.” I say, “Whatever, Gentile Grinch.”

Losing passions, Challah. Thank you very much.

One year for Christmas, my in-laws got my daughter a toy chest with no toys in it.

I told my daughter.

Don’t worry, Matilda.

We have eight thousand Hannukah gifts to fill it up with.

But Billy Crystal doesn’t think Hannukah is a sexy holiday.

What’s sexy about Christmas, Billy?

Doesn’t it celebrate a virgin birth through immaculate conception?

The only thing getting fisted over Christmas is a breast-heavy Turkey.

We’re sexualizing religious holidays now.

Look, I lived in West Hollywood for three years.

Plus, I did a comedy record called Funny Enough Fagala, which means ass on fire in Yiddish.

But I’m not fretting about the absence of sexy in Hannukah like I did when living in Park Slope.

Which famed writer Norman Mailer once called “The most secure place on earth for pampered Jewish pussies to live.”

Hannukah isn’t sexy, Billy.

Unless I got enough gunk left to pump on Gina Gershon’s tits after eight miraculous hump-heavy nights, I agree, Billy.

But I’m not bending over backward to dump my Jewish identity for a Christmas Tree to feel less overtly Jewy pushy annoying around Gentiles during the holiday season.

Besides, when Gentiles see a Christmas Tree, they see a Christmas Tree.

When Jews see a Christmas Tree, they see a Camouflaged Cross.

Growing up, my dad said, “Son, Jews don’t buy Christmas Trees. Unless the plan is to convert it into a Treehouse and flip it for a profit.”

I just learned that Moses sought God’s advice after his daily power hike at the top of Mount Sinai, only for God to whip out his ten commandments on the spot. And demand, “Complain about getting Carpel Tunnel while transcribing these commandments into stone despite you being a little rusty on Hebrew. And I’ll hire your assistant Joshua to finish you off and the job for you, Kapeesh.” 

That must have been a shocker.

Moses wanted advice on marrying outside the tribe without being condemned as a polytheistic whore.

Are you going to tell me Moses never developed a surging stiffy at the sight of Prince Hakeem’s bathers in ancient Babylonian Times 6 degrees separated from Cleopatra’s burning bush?

After Alexander bursts through his lamb skin condoms giving her every STD in the book, including Homio Erectus of The Pelvis Bone.

Self-hating Jews, half-Heeb crazy or not, who bend over backwards to adopt Christmas Traditions to fit in, are gay. 

That’s like changing your Alexa voice from the dronish, deeper baritone monotone of Scarlett Johanson’s voice between estrogen throat blocker treatments in exchange for Julie Andrews.

In Billy Crystal’s Autobiography, “Jewish Yuck,” he also says, “There is a reason Norman Rockwell never painted a Jewish family dinner.” Because nobody could ever sit still from complaining with their arms too much. Or was it because Aunt Hilda’s armpit stains after working the double at Ratner’s were too off-putting for William Randolph Hearst’s readers? There is a reason Norman Rockwell never painted a Jewish family dinner. Maybe, because he’d never be fucking invited.

Didn’t Norman Rockwell paint pictures of roasting Yamaka’s over an open fire on Easter to add color to his dry-as-toast company chatter?

Good ham this year Julie. You showed those Lubavitch Jews what they’re missing for sticking with God’s old-school commandments over our do-over book, according to John the Baptist. Who’s John the Baptist again? And did he start housing pulled pork sandwiches once his boy Jesus declared all pork products Kosher? I wonder what lead Jesus to give his dad the giant the f you rebuke on that law. Did his friends goad him into doing it? Jesus, how much fucking Falafel can one man eat without turning into a moderate Muslim homemaker, assuming you go easy on the chili paste. Those pomegranate molasses Koshertarian Wings are a bit fruity-forward for my tastes. And I don’t want to give our less tolerant Muslim neighbors any freaky Fagala ideas. Jesus says, “But Muslims don’t eat pork, Joseph.”

Joseph says, “Yeah, but that’s just because Islam is culturally appropriating the shit out of Judaism. I’m supposed to believe their great Muhammad, their Islamic Moses, ascended to Heaven on a winged donkey from Mount Sinai only after Muhamad made Jihad, child sex trafficking, and rape Kosher in Allah’s gangster paradise.

But I’m supposed to believe Jesus, who was celebrating Passover during his Last Supper, decided to break free from dietary Kosher restrictions out of the blue, all of a sudden, just because the Romans opened up a Stromboli stand in the old city to test the faith of those true believers who later got tortured to death during the Inquisition for refusing to partake in Tapas served with acorn-fed prosciutto. The Spanish Jewish Prisoner moans, “How much per pound? Way too pricy; Kosher Salami poached in Christian baby blood is my cup of tea. Jews aren’t known for being real heavy drinkers, either. Who has room for heavy Spanish Reds after another spirit cooking dinner at Hillary’s palace? Hillary Hammer Time Cankles strikes biblical lore with relentless precision.

Losing passions, Challah. Thank you very much.

How do I feel about joining a Jewish Synagogue today?

Lukewarm, only to learn that an orthodox Rabbi at a nearby Synagogue in Yorktown Heights quotes form the same NPR news feed my wife subscribes to.

What’s it like being married to an atheist gentile?

Annoying, especially when your wife throws a toy train at your head after you nudge her to tell her parents that we’ve had Hebrew naming ceremonies for all three of our kids already.

I try to empathize.

Babe, I love anyone who loves God, who doesn’t want to kill me for being half Heeb crazy.

The only difference between Gentiles and Jews is that the chosen people don’t buy into Jesus being the Messiah.

A rotating door of Karen types yelling at me to wear a damn mask at the Kosher Butcher doesn’t sound like peace on earth.

Wear the damn mask.

Suck the hate speech out of my chosen schlong first, Karen.

Pretend NPR ordered you to leak it.

What’s it like raising Jewish kids without sending them to Hebrew School?

Easy, we do Shabbat prayers every Friday night.

I’ve involved them in my comedy act while writing the book The Koshertarian Comedians.

And laugh hysterically at the sight of my son Chosen Curls giving a flying elbow drop on top of our Christmas Tree that Mama bought against our wishes again.

Plus, I experience zero regrets whenever I yell at my wife for decorating our house with non-denominational Gnomes for three months leading up to December again.

I hate Gnomes.

They look like Santa’s cut-off Trust Fund Babies on Social Security.

What’s it like having dinner with my in-laws over Grace?

A time to channel my inner Kid Rock, as I say, Amen, I say Amen while being a sneaky Heeb about it because they have no idea I’m imitating Kid Rock on Rock and Roll Jesus. 

Once, my daughter admitted to lip-syncing Grace after my mother-in-law forced my 3 Jew blood-tainted kids to receive Eucharist, a Ukrainian communion without my approval.

But right now, you’re thinking.

But Zelensky is Jewish.

He had his two kids baptized.

So that’s like saying Jihadi John is Jewish.

Don’t Jihadists ever tire of pubescent dent-free trim?

Don’t they have enough blood on their hands already?

What was it like growing up with a Southern mother who converted to Judaism?

Weird, especially the time when she’d reveal her southern belle side.

Mom says, “Kentucky is known for horses and pretty women.

I say, Mom, keep your sundress on. Before you tell me, Dad is bigger than Man-O-War.

The number of Jews is declining because so many are assimilating or pulling out early from excessive meat sweats.

Michael Douglas wants to connect other Jews to faith.

Maybe, start with condemning Rabbis who use COVID, Trumpism, and the Holocaust in the same sentence over the High Holy days and will talk.

Trump was the best friend Israel ever had.

And Israel discarded him like trash in exchange for Hair Plugs Sniffer.

Who only cares about brownie sniff-offs, arming a nuclear Iran again, punishing MAGA country for electing Trumpy Poo Tits twice, and depressing the US Dollar more than Zelensky’s coke dealer since he declined his Dark Money Discover Card.

Maybe, have a Rabbi who admits to his congregation.

Obama’s the one in love with Hitler.

Obama wished he was that organized.

Exterminating any big-mouth Jewish critic who dares to criticize his thug’s lives matter most rhetoric and nuke gifting to deal to Iran would be a gas.

Losing Passions, Challah, thank you very much.

Michael Kornbluth