Category: health

I say, “Matilda, tell me about the Bath Bomb mama got you last night for Hanukkah. She says, “It’s almond winter mint.” I say, “Sounds like a coffee drink Michelle Obama strong armed Starbucks to make for Kwanza.” I support defunding the United Nations. They only exist to give Hamas a veneer of diplomatic stature like Kamala Harris in a Burka made from Ann Taylor. The Left today has less use for proud practicing Jews than abortion on demand because nobody would get smoochy with Booger Face Behar disciples without a nappy mask on to puke up their pro-Antifa innards 1^st. Leftist Jews today reject everything today Jewish. Why else would they rush to tat up their arms to rock the Lena Dunham arm flapper look for all it’s worth? And you wonder why New York birth rates have sunk into China rat ruining earth. Mocking full of themselves, fully vaccinated dicks from my Generation X, who got an itchy esophagus from COVID, who still think Mr. Groper won by a hair, who had no problem with the Democrats using mail in voting to jack an election to hide their crimes against humanity is more than kosher in my book. They moan, “I can’t believe I got COVID. I’m vaccinated for Christ’s sake. But you’re still the Mongoloid Moron for trusting your natural immunity over Dr. Gnocchi, Obama Be Good and Nancy Denture Breath Pelos, who have less use for lockdown-imposed rules than consciousness clearing confession.” More pretentious moans of despair continue. “How could I get COVID after being fully vaccinated?” “Because you’re a glamorized lab rat, immune to self-corrective inspection like your baby boomer resister parents, because insufferable, wholly destructive, baby boomer arrogance never dies. And you’re the delusional, a plus narcissist who thinks the real America kicked off Twitter already, gives a flying shit about your opinion’s inflated sense of self-worth since you’ve done dick to speak out against censorship and silencing of any pro-self-defense sentiment since your jerkoff media pretended, they acted in good faith by calling a child rapist released from the loony bin in Kenosha as a peaceful, victimized protestor who only punctured his victim’s age of innocence with guided meditation music on Amazon music, indefensible pricks.” Kurt Vonnegut was right; the US media is the one to blame for dividing everyone into either a liberal or a conservative. Why can’t someone just launch a Burning Mask Party already? That’s right, the black men have been wearing a mask for years according to Dave Chappelle. Yeah, Kamala, the Ugandan Giant wore one in character from 84 to 86, but that’s it. We all know Kamala Harris was a useless cackling whore before she was assigned border visitation duty to see if the Donkey show is keeping the dreamer alive in us all. Unmasking Kayne as an opportunistic showboat fame whore didn’t require a tremendous leap of faith either.  So, Drake accused the infallible Kayne West of writing strictly secular rap music these days. Fucking own it Kayne. Don’t sling me shit like how Bound 2 You, was secular music, when you banged Kim on the sink, while getting some gunk on her mink. Unless you’re framing Kim Kardashian in your eyes as top of the Porcupine Persian Puss chain, who could turn your prick into wine to pour over Taylor Swift’s country ass white dress at the MTV music awards because only Beyonce can get away with wearing ray of light white after Labor Day in St. Barts. I can’t wait to give up all forms of overpriced wine and IPAs for the year. So, I could feel like a bless bloated, blowhard hobbit hipster straining to give any bangable woman sustained stiffage based on their Grateful Dead and Company shirts and Dancing Bear masks since everyday became mask up Sharia Law appreciation day.  Without those freedom loving deplorable Dead Heads making a peep about the fascist Democrats hacks in charge of these draconian policies otherwise. What a depressingly dreary, fake news patriots unmasking it’s been. But Hillary doesn’t have evil energy like Trump, Carlos Santana? But Hillary is the best-selling voodoo doll in Haiti, year after year. Plus, I don’t need to drop acid in this instance, to see who’s full of shit Carlos. Did you know you can reverse all form of brain damage impairment by refraining from alcohol for one whole year? You experience improved memory and better executive reasoning for a degenerate Jew like myself, with a long, shameful history of alcoholic bumps into furniture in the middle of the night after pissing himself while passed out in his daughter’s bedroom prior because he possesses no feel for measured pounding pace of Kentucky bourbon on the 1st night of Hanukkah, that he’s only been planning for all year, whatsoever. 87,000 people die each year from Alcohol overdosing. I must have 87,000 lives then. Because I’ve drank enough bourbon one winter in my parent’s attic with my wife to make Charles Bukowski feel like a lightweight pussy poet, guilty of excessive hyperbole like Hitler’s claim to be Marc Chagall in the making despite never leaving you with a magical dreamy, impressionistic impression. Hanukkah Challah Day Joke: A Cardinal’s finishing line on altar boys next in line. “It’s all holy meat juice to you kid.” Lenny Bruce Lives. Hannukah Challah Day, Challah. My brother’s response to this joke was a plug for an old school Public Enemy video. He says, “Despite your political affiliation. I know you can still appreciate some old school hip hop.” I say, “Why, because Public Enemy predates the Thugs Lives Matters Most protests during last year’s Summer of Love? I should still love Public Enemy because the Jewish Forward insists on framing Professor Griff as a “victim”, whose career was gunned down by the Jewish Mafia over his comments about all the Jews controlling the slave trade at the height of Public Enemy’s popularity despite Jews heading up the Holocaust being banned from land ownership in Europe while being stripped of any incentive to love thyself as thy neighbor, when you’re surrounded by nations of mini-Hitler’s mouseketeers.  Why would I listen to Public Enemy after my best friend’s mother claimed I looked like Elvis growing up as a kid? It feels good to be compared to rock royalty while your best friend’s mom drools at the prospect of unleashing your hound dog side inside of her for some totally worth it rib rattling, jail house bound rock of her own. Professor Griff is a fucking moron. Calling Jill Biden, Dr. Biden, doesn’t make her any less of a lying, trashy, small-town ho, who never met a brush she liked for Scarecrow Appreciation Month. Professor Griff accused the Jews of controlling the entire drug trade to Rolling Stone. I’m positive Frank Lucas would have an issue with that white supremacist blanketed assertion. If you saw the movie American Gangster, you know Denzel’s character believes, “Whatever those dumb mooks can do to poison my community, I can do better. Just wait until the Saints of Newark comes out motherfucker.” How does Farrakhan celebrate Holocaust Remembrance Day? Spray Jard Kushner’s Twitter feed with nothing but termite emoji’s, from dawn till night, but throw in the hashtag, but Natalie Portman is alright. New theory behind my compressed nerve: Losing my nerve to offend LinkedIn by posting more comedy records bound to keep me out of Corporate America forever. Future father wisdom 1st time Dads can look forward to on text conversation threads from their friends in the same boat already. Increased wiggle room can be a deflating experience. Unlike Glue Guns, your sweaty sex period won’t stick. No looking back once mama’s semi-tight snatch of yesteryear tears apart at the seams. You won’t know whether you’re floating in space or landing on an aircraft carrier museum strip in Chelsea Piers, unable to achieve blast off without fantasizing about new Bermuda Triangle’s to have your super soaker disappear in. Give hell hole sex a chance, for a tighter topping experience all around. 2 kids later, Goose would rather spike Wilson half naked around other sweaty slick Top Gun gunners, instead of taking another nosedive headfirst into Meg Ryan’s sunny shine snatch. Because sex with Meg Ryan after 2 kids resembles playing musical triangles in the high school band as you flail your metal rod stick against Tom Hank’s romantic movie library collection stuffed inside. Before you know it, your 10-year-old daughter gets breast buds. And you get mad at your wife yelling, “Why haven’t yours sprouted yet.” But you can’t get mad at your wife for transforming a gingerbread house into a tricked -out Hanukkah blue one with a Star of David out front for the 3^rd night of Hanukkah. The only thing missing on front door was a sign that said, “No Liberal Jews allowed, who think Farrakhan’s admirers in Public Enemy are held back from demonizing Jews any more than Deshawn Jackson only needing to be properly reeducated on Hitler.  You know, Obama’s most admired leader according to the Source Magazine. Obama would give Hitler 5 mics if he could. I’m not even exaggerating. Obama’s the one who loves Hitler. Obama wishes he was that organized. Mass extermination, of all his nosy pestering journalist critics, who dared to criticize his billion-dollar nuke time out deal with Iran would be a gas. Dumb Drunk Daddy, no more, no more. Aerosmith lives, Hanukah Challah Day, Challah. Thank you very much. Michael Kornbluth