Withering Ties

Dad says, “Can you believe it? Mom stayed up with Sil and Shelly till 11 playing Pinochle.”

I say, “It’s too bad Me Me, can’t score points by crashing around her grandchildren at a hard 7 without fail. But sucking off the fake news legend of her 2nd born 24/7 would suck me dry Dad. At this point, I’m positive you’re used to feeling like sloppy seconds in the relationship. I know you question how were related, join the club, but at least now at the height of Jonathan Gina Mania, 2 wrecked cars, and one narc gun blast later, you can identify with being the sloppy second one after all. I know you’re the only child and you became an A plus narcist to overcompensate for your cold, distant, 10 -blocks away mother in Queens who never offered to babysit me when I lived next door, surprise, surprise, but you get the gist. Still, can’t believe you can’t recall one nice thing my old maid Mosey would say after looking after me for 3 years in a row in Queens before you moved to the suburbs in Westchester, so I could have my own panic room to cry it out in. Because fuck the overrated school system in Edgemont, New York. You and every other parent who moved from Queens or the Bronx to the more snuggle soft confines of Westchester County, just moved there because in a house in the burbs, the buttressed cries despair are easier to bear.” Withering ties, Challah.

Thank you very much.

Michael Kornbluth

Michael Kornbluth

Twice as Soft

I only feel tough around black dudes in masks, which is the craziest phenomenon of my lifetime. I don’t think every black dude had to duke it out in Watts growing up. But if NPR were to take a survey of the least likely demographic to still be sporting masks at Dicks Sporting Goods while fondling size 13 Nikes. Plus, since when are black guys as a whole proactive about playing defense of any kind? A black dude in a mask isn’t looking good or winning over any fly ho’s while having to pull a nappy down between sips of Old E, Snoop Dog’s old school ho sprayer of choice. Ludacris please, you’re just bequeathing more power to Dr. Gnocchi, which is dumb. That’s like taking barebacking advice from Dr. J who passed it down to Magic Johnson. I’m still twice as soft as any black dude, not named Erkel but I also didn’t get triple vaxed out of fear of catching an itchy esophagus. Last, like most black dudes, I don’t discriminate against pussy, although in Meghan Mccain, no matter how much intricate ass play preceded, I’d still be twice as soft compared to Leroy Brown from the block. Challah. Twice as soft, Challah. Thank you very much.

Michael Kornbluth

American History F

I don’t even bother hiding my disgust with those still in masks at the grocery store anymore, after all the Covid vax damage done that’s caused more pre-mature cases of Cardiac Arrest than ripped triple wrapped condoms during Bill Maher’s last leg of his stand up comedy tour in Brazil, sponsored by Third Legged Beauties.com. Because nothing screams indepedence from religious persecution by a one world order crown on the other side of the Atlantic than wearing an American flag designed mask during July 4th weekend at the deli counter section of DeCicco & Sons. That’s only a 3rd generation Italian American business that wouldn’t have been possible if Columbus didn’t resist Queen Isabella’s request to socially distance himself from going around the world 4 times over in search of more silky smooth lining to destroy without the aid of his small pox carrying, compass compromised dick. American History F, Challah, thank you very much.

Michael Kornbluth