Boy Bands Coming

I only want to smell my daughter’s natural scent, Strawberry’s. Any other scent on her is forced weird like herbed shampoo made from Hemp I’m assuming, which is Indigo Girls skinny dipping gross. Understand, I don’t have a problem with my daughter becoming a lesbian because she’ll be immune from getting Aids. Which is a relief, knowing how she can take a licking and keep on ticking. Don Draper, I fucked him, I can’t take no more. Dice lives, Challah. Thank you very much. Understand my daughter is 11 years old in case you’re wondering why you haven’t puked up your Linguini in a white wine clam sauce yet. But now my daughter wears Jessica Simpson perfume, which ruins my 3-way fantasy with my wife once I score a standing room only residency in Vegas, for Do It All Dad Does Decadence. Prior, when my wife used to work nights, I’d be out in public with all 3 of my kid more often, which would prompt grown men to say, “You’ve got your hands full bro.” And I’d say, “If my book United We Laugh becomes a worldwide sensation, especially in France, resulting in my wife agreeing to an open marriage with Jessica Simpson, then my hands will be full.” Jessica’s Simpson’s perfume isn’t an exact replica of her sexy scrumptious scent inside. Still, I don’t want to my daughter smelling like the generic essence of Walmart perfume shoppers either.

I finally confront my daughter and say, “Who are you wearing Jessica Simpson for again? Is there a metrosexual boy crooner in your class that I don’t know about?” Daughter says, “Chill out daddy, I just wear it to feel extra girl, the way you charge money we don’t have on a grey cashmere sweater from Banana Republic to feel more banger pretty yourself, no offense.” Plus, didn’t you always call Guido’s the original metrosexuals of their day?”

And I say, “Yeah, but Jessica Simpson perfume throws out a mommy muff vibe during a middle-aged crisis for brand diversification’s sake only. And you’re still only 11, who just got her breast buds yesterday, so can we call a time out on your full-blown blossoming into womanhood for age of innocence stalling sake? Despite mommy insisting I should be relieved after proclaiming how you’re the last one to get breast buds in your 6th grade class, which prompted to me say, “Then, why haven’t your breast buds sprouted yet?” I add, “Plus, your predominant scent of strawberry’s isn’t some freak, random occurrence. It’s because Daddy sold a spleen to feed your habit of drinking only Strawberry Kaffir at Trader’s Joe’s during your Pre-K years, so let’s get some more milage out of that imbibed scent, before you start getting dolled up for the next kid on the block intent on giving you the good stuff.” Boy Bands coming, Challah. Thank you very much.

Michael Kornbluth

 

 

Sent from Mail for Windows

 

Show Me The Funny

Daughter asks, “Daddy, what’s anti-semitism? I say, “Hostility toward Jews regardless of it being earned or not. For example, Jews are gifted but belong in their country to annoy themselves to death.”

I need a new email address, so employers take me more seriously. Doitalldadyear@outlook.com is beginning to sound too pornographic punctuated for my tastes. What, unholyfather@nothingtoseehereatmoveon.org was already taken. Damn you Cock blocking priests for hoarding up all the dark web accentuated email addresses for yourselves.

Which reminds me, not that it’s a fair comparison. But I can’t get into my new Rabbi as much anymore knowing how he just quotes the same news stories that my wife hears about on NPR 1st. He uses an analogy during Yom Kippur services about some Nasa laser used to knock off the trajectory of a simulated Asteroid by stating how making a small change in our life can cause a big impact later. Only for my wife to say, “I think he follows the same stories that I do on Instagram.” And I say, “Great, so the Rabbi is an Instagram horror and a slave to NPR summation stories like the rest. No wonder why he was giving me hate states during services after listening to any of my comedy records after Rosh Hashanah services prior like, Stab the Clown, American Screwed or The Day Democracy Died, take your freaking pick. Understand, this Rabbi runs a Chabad house, which is a Hasidic strain of Judaism, which is considered more hardcore secular religious than most. So, you’d think he might throw a bone to the Gateway Pundit for citing stories about the pandemic of the vaccinated and how the lion’s share of new COVID cases in Israel, the most vaxed country on the planet, are from the mandated vaxed despite the FDA being less trustworthy these days than Hamas terrorists hiding behind hospitals in the name of imperialistic imposed cowardice. Governments worldwide sanctioning worldwide death and permanent crippling through forcing God’s children to take clot shots till their last dying breath in order to maintain employment is no big deal. But please, suck off the altar of science some more Rabbi that’s done less to stop the spread of life saving information regarding the accelerated death shot than give Sam Harris a dose of personality to make his voice clock in a notch past catatonic, Ben Shapiro included thanks.

God forbid the Rabbi talk about our country bankrolling Azov Nazi’s who have a gun to Zelensky’s head when he’s not posing in Vouge in his finest ensemble of army fatigues from Gap Kids. Now, I know why they call them army fatigues for a reason.

Why not condemn the evil proliferation that’s stemming from the fake news White House and beyond, that’s deliberately tanking our economy to make we the people pay for electing Trumpy Poo twice before he let Democracy die under his past tweet depletive watch?

Instead, I have to hear a story about NASA using a space gun to alter the path of a random Asteroid that poses no threat of taking out life on our planet anymore than the pushing of replacing fossil fuels with mandated Telsa charging stations does. I understand how little impacts can cause changes of trajectory in your life, but not always Rabbi. It’s been 6 months since I gave up drinking beer and my ascent toward achieving orbit while dunking a basketball is barely a hair above earthbound. At this point, I stand a better shot of dunking a basketball in a gravity chamber at Nasa’s higher hopper’s institute for White Man’s Disease on Planet of Putzy Apes.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m no atheist overnight. But it was hard to not get super depressed when the Rabbi retold another story about a Canadian family who have 4 kids, while 3 of them will see nothing but dark in their near future while becoming officially blind in the process. But the sweet takeaway from this tale, is the parent’s taking the kids on a never-ending world tour of the planet to fill their kids with rich filled images of Giraffes sticking their necks out for each other by stomping on any encroaching Tribesman scientists in the need for Giraffe DNA used to create a mutant superfreak to break the WNBA star out of a Russian prison for the crime of being strapped with too many weed oil pens and loaded cartridges. Who needs the Jungle Book, when you can just charge the trip on Michal J. Fox’s credit card, I’m assuming. Look, my heart aches at the mere retelling of this story. But it was hard for me to fight the urge of Googling on Duck Duck Go, Blindness side effects from the clot shot soon after. Can you even leave Canada without being quadruple vaxed? Would Trudeau even allow a Trucker family to receive such prominent placement in the NPR news feed while receiving such a plethora of goodness enshrouded well-wishes from the international community at large? Unless, Trudeau is footing the bill, I don’t want to hear this story on Yom Kippur, because it’s still beyond depressing for me to hear any positive spin in relation to oh Canada, after the country froze bank accounts, slashed tires, rented out motels, seized fuel and removed whole freaking oil tankers in a coordinated effort to freeze the protestors in their tracks, so they wouldn’t dare honk their horns in the name of being free of vaccinate mandates that have a proven track record of killing, crippling and paralyzing it’s defenseless victims at large. Put persecute the cranked up Muslim Truckers in Canada who are prohibited from even dropping No- Doze to feed their families for Christ’s sake.

Show me the funny. Fine, my parents hate me so much, they questioned my inherent goodness on the most holy day of the Jewish Calander by only focusing on whether or not I’d follow through with my promise of helping my younger brother finish moving into his new apartment this Friday to start his new lease on life after just getting divorced this past year prior. After only sharing a video of me blowing the Shofar on a mountain top at the start of Rosh Hashanah after writing The Koshertarian Comedians, whose instilled more Jewish pride in their three grandchildren than any NPR damning insurrectionist ever would, virtual grandparents included, who couldn’t even be bothered to wish their grandchildren a sweet new year individually because Putin is responsible for tanking the stock market lower than Groping Biden’s balls.

Michael Kornbluth

Ball Gag and Chain

Nike’s stock is dropping because of poor sales in China.

I remember Zit Face Zuckerberg running in a mask throughout the streets of Bejing pre-COVID regardless.

Although Lebron’s son, the fake news chosen one like Jesus, will break Jordan’s record for most wins and catapult its stock price to new Stock Market highs in no time.

Only to ring the bell at the New York Stock Exchange during George Floyd Appreciation Century, and proclaim loud and proud, “It’s gotta be the bat shoes, made in Wuhan, Wuhan. CCP forever, Brony Bon Bon, gets paid in Yuhan paper y’all. You can’t knock the COVID scam hustle. Big Pharma reps from Brentwood, got to get paid. We all can’t be good enough with numbers to sling rock or white enough like Steph to make a living off our wicked jump shot.”

Michael Kornbluth

Gen X Masturbation Record

Do It All Dad gets you off long time with #GenXMasturbationRecordComedyRecord129

Killer Set for 9/18/22

True Detective Moment 

Far From Slacking 

Perfect Swishes 

Love Juice Lore 

Cinco De Mayo Mope 

Pulling For Howl Master 

Sweet Summer’s Gone 

No More Mr. Sly Guy 

Punisher Light 

Titanium Balls 

Nazi Rock Historian 

Clinton Groupies Moaning 

Dr. Seuss Is Tony Robbins For Kids 

Manhandling The Truth

Gen X Masturbation

Stay At Home She Male Slayer Comedian slays on comedy record 129 #GenXMasturbation

Killer Set:

True Detective Moment

Far From Slacking

Perfect Swishes

Love Juice Lore

Cinco De Mayo Mope

Pulling For Howl Master

Sweet Summer’s Gone

No More Mr. Sly Guy

Punisher Light

Titanium Balls

Nazi Rock Historian

Clinton Groupies Moaning

Dr. Seuss Is Tony Robbins For Kids

Manhandling The Truth