Jewish Jesus Lives

Zelensky crashed a Saudi hosted Arab summit, claiming, “You can’t turn a blind eye to Russian aggression. They jail our journalists for speaking the truth, and that’s my job. And with all due respect, Prince Mohammed, our bio lab R&D budgets to work on new weapons of mass destruction don’t pay themselves. With your support, I can draft Orthodox Jews, who refuse to fight for Israel because they’re a bunch of pushover pinko pussies. I’ll make them fight for us. I’ll throw in some free agent Russian hookers who Hunter has on speed dial to sweeten the deal. Besides, The Ukraine is the new Israel, haven’t you heard? Jewish Jesus lives, Challah. Thank you very much. 

Saudi Prince says, “Aren’t you the guy who plays the piano with his penis, schmeckle spot? But calling yourself Jewish after getting your kids baptized is a stretch like Hillary Hammertime Cankles claiming how half of her deleted emails were yoga related. Contemplate a divorcation from your power naps on Gucci dufflebags of cash in St. Barts and will talk. Or I’ll unmask your okayness with Hair Plugs Sniffer ordering the bombing of the Nordstream Pipelines because cheap natural gas powering the Mercedes Benz factories in Kraut breath Germany matter. Filling up my wife’s Mercedes Benz SUV shouldn’t cost more than burka cleaning bills in Allah’s hymen hacking paradise. Jewish Jesus would get crucified again if he supported this criminal administration’s premeditated effort to kill off our energy independence. It’s like the Big Guy hogging up all of Hunter’s adderall for himself after giving up blow for blow painting allegedly, after getting paid 52 grand a week by a Ukrainian sports drink energy company, to push chilled borscht as the new Kombucha. So stop acting like the second coming of Jewish Jesus, squinty. You’re not bumping elbows with the needy unless Andy Dick elbows you out of the way to snarf up your last line of blow.”

Jewish Jesus lives, how else can you forgive this neverending shit show? Jewish Jesus lives, Challah, thank you very much.

Michael Kornbluth

When America Winces

At a parent-teacher conference for my son’s Kindergarten class, his Spanish Teacher implores us to bring Spanish to our home. I raise my hand and ask, “Isn’t one home invasion enough?” 

When America winces, Challah, thank you very much. 

Self-Defense is deader than Kyle Rittenhouse’s prospects during pledge week at the University of Arizona. 

When America winces, Challah, thank you very much. 

I wish toothpaste tasted more like Bud Light. So, I wouldn’t taste anything afterward except Kid’s Rocks spurned tears. 

When America winces, Challah, thank you very much. 

Now Kid Rock can’t play beer pong with groupies on Spring Break in Daytona Beach without his gag reflex kicking in to the image of a Dylan Hepburn finger popping American Badass from behind to Devil Without Cause?

When American winces, Challah, thank you very much. 

10.8 million Tik Tock followers are ten times platinum. So, I’d lose my zest for pounding Bud Light on the front leg of my F Hair Plugs Sniffer Tour, Born free, my balls.

When America winces, Challah, thank you very much.

I’m guilty of wincing after asking Alexa how many followers Dylan Hepburn Mulvaney has on Tik Tok before finishing that joke. 

I didn’t wince because Dylan Mulvaney is trans. I winced because she’s hackier than John Mullaney’s act in Jerry Seinfeld’s Bar Mitzvah suit. 

When America winces, Challah, thank you very much. 

I also winced at the thought of how Dylan is the best American-made Trans talent Tik Tok offers these days. Our Chinese Overlords wouldn’t consider Dyland Hepurn Lady Boy gold material of any kind, especially since the price of the US dollar is more depressed than Trumpy Poo’s tits knowing that Operation Death Speed continues to cause more cases of cardiac arrest than torn condoms on Bill Maher’s party bus tour of Rio De Janeiro during Marti Gras, sponsored by Third Legged 

When America winces, Challah, thank you very much.

I bet Dylan Mulvaney isn’t even real, just a CIA-made, augmented reality version of what a trans influencer spokesperson for Bud Light would look like based on John Mulaney’s stool sample alone.

How Dylan’s sex appeal alone is generate 10 million followers on Tik Tok? It sounds more prosperous than John Mulaney selling out Madison Garden because he had the balls to after Seinfeld for a change. Cosby was rapist for 4 decades in a row. What happened to your powers of observation then Jerry?

When America winces, Challah, thank you very much.

Click Farms in India wince at padding Dylan’s numbers more than they did for the creep Swede in Succession.

When America winces, Challah, thank you very much. 

Michael Kornbluth 

Intensely Doable

If Nike wanted to help the Black Lives Matter Movement.

They’d make a new ad campaign message that said, “Just Stop Resisting Arrest”. Hashtag, Thug Lives Matter most, not so much, which is intensely doable if Charles Barkley is doing it. Intensely doable BLM jokes live, before I’m permanently canceled next time I do that joke at the Post Office, Challah, thank you very much.

Is your mom’s mood ring, pissy yelllow passive aggressive like mine?

Intensely doable mood ring jokes live because I’m written out of the will anyway. So what difference does it make? Hillary Hammertime Cankles strikes again, Challah, thank you very much.

Michael Kornbluth

Fingertapping Good

They say the thing you do obsessively between 13 and 18 is what you heve the chance to be world class at. I do excel at using my son All Metal Baby as a mini air guitar appendage while blasting Fallen Angel by Poison on Vinyl. #Fingertappinggood

Fingertapping good, Challah.

Thank you very much.

Michael Kornbluth

Skunk City More Than Ever

I love New York, more than ever. Since when, all lives matter became the new N word, in honor of Thug Lives Matter most.

What’s my crime prevention solution? Take away medicinal weed cards like recess passes next time Latrell Sprewell’s brother from another mother tries to choke out a pasty cop’s white privilege on the Lex line.

All of a sudden, Thugs Lives Matters most has a full-blown panic attack on the Subway.

I can’t be cut off from my Mango gummies homey.

Yolanda don’t like my skunk ass weed breath.

Edibles are ash free, plus, stink free which equals zero regrets.

And I’m not sharing a blunt with you after just coming out of the slammer, you monkey pox packing motherfucker.

The city always smelled like stale beer, especially around the lower east side, but not now it reeks of skunk weed, not the most flattering scents in the world.

I’d rather go down on Cardi Bi’s yeast infection.

Skunk City More Than Ever, Challah!

Thank you very much.

Michael Kornbluth

Glorious Assholes

U2 is cheesy Irish, right?

Van Morrison isn’t.

House of Pain wasn’t.

Dennis Leary never was.

Glorious assholes live.

Challah, thank you very much.

How was U2 ever considered the biggest band in the world?

They sound like the Rolling Stones after attending a woke retreat on Lobotomy Island?

I still haven’t found what I’m looking more is no Free Bird.

Did Lynard Skynyrd’s swamp music ever remind you of genetically modified cheese or toothless lab grown meat?

And with or without you is about who Bono?

An Irish Lassie with fucked up chompers.

Who swallows but grazes from time to time.

Especially on Sunday Bloody Sunday.

Glorious Assholes rule, Challah.

Thank you very much.

Penthouse Paradise

What is Trump being arraigned for again? Charges of Islamophobia against ISIS, after Obama rebranded them ISIL so they’d sound more startup friendly in the NY Times?

Also since when is paying hush money to a porn star a sex crime

I get paying hush money in the form of a spare gold brick lying around Donald’s refurbished bathroom on his Gulfstream because Stormy Daniel’s overactive gag reflex kicks into high gear after midnight when her camel toe snatch comes tumbling down. Which keeps on waking up Barron from drooling all over Melania’s tits through her see blouse after Fashion Week but still.

But Trump choosing to go muff diving into Stormy Daniel’s droopy eyed snatch over Melania’s barely broken in, high end beaver when they met is a stretch. Because Trumpy Poo Tits is a notorious Germophobe, and can order a bunch of Ivanka look like alikes to pee on each other to match his golden shower fountain heads in penthouse paradise on top of Trump Tower whenever he likes. Penthouse Paradise, Challah. Thank you very much.

Michael Kornbluth